[truffles]

Sorry if this is long, my first post on these boards. I just need to vent get some thoughts. I just feel so lost.
Bipolar runs in DH family, DH has been taking medication for panic attacks, but lately things have gotten worse. He tells me he has racing thoughts and he does stuff and doesn't remember doing it. He was doing drugs (he has stopped, he says) but he is drinking more. Last night he didn't come home, not a first. He was also having an affair.

He has called me home from work last week telling me how sorry he is for everything and he will stop seeing the girl. He wants us to be together and be a family, he has told me so many times he is sorry and will fix everything.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and would never leave him because he has a mental illness. Do people with bipolar do things and not remember? Or is he just lying to me and using that as an excuse.

I just don't know what to do - I am so tired of crying. I don't know what to do for him. When I think things are starting to turn around something happens. How do I know what is the truth when he tells me?

Sorry if this just sound like I am rambling.

Thanks,

[Gemstone]

welcome to PC.

Is he seeing a psychiatrist for the anxiety meds? If he isn't it may be a good idea to consult one.

I have bipolar disorder and have done things I don't remember, but not as a result of bipolar. It's a result of dissociation for me.

There maybe other things at play other than bipolar disorder. It might be a good idea for you to get into some sort of couples therapy. You don't sound like you have a very healthy relationship (the affair). The affair shouldn't be blamed on mental illness. People still have to be responsible for their actions.

btw, I have seen it before, but never known: what does DH stand for?

Feel free to pm me any time if there is anything I can help with.

gem

[truffles]

He does see a psychiatrist, and I would go to any therapy with him, he won't, doesn't beleive in it. He went as a kid, lots of family problems and he feels they don't really help.

DH - Dear Husband

Thanks for the reply.

How long do go with not remembering what you did. He said sometimes he can control the thoughts, other times he can't and that is when he just goes off.

[bipolar_bear]

It sounds like he really needs to see a pdoc and possibly couples therapy for your marriage. It does not sound healthy at this time.

Hyper sexuality does occur with some people that have bp. That is not an excuse as we are all responsible for our actions. I have never never not known what I have done but that does not mean that it is not a symptom for him.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. You need to take care of yourself too. Maybe seeing a therapist yourself can help you sort through your feelings and needs. I hope things improve for you. Take care.

[dogtanian]

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. i think the best things to do would be to maybe talk things through yourself with a therapist or counsellor, which would enable you to sort out all this stuff in your own mind, and get straight how to confront DH about it. someone who knows about bipolar would be really helpful. also, relationship counselling would probably help, but i would suspect it would be even more helpful if you were fore-armed with useful information and a clear idea of how you feel and what you want.

as the others have said, whether the things DH does are symptomatic of bipolar is somewhat less an issue - he does need to take responsibility for himself and you need to let him know how you feel, he needs to realise he's upsetting you.

i hope things pick up soon xx

[Hope4me2]

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[ranger99a]

Hi All!

Truffles maybe I can shed a little light since I am going through it myself right now. Maybe I can help... maybe I can't... but at least it will be something to think about.

I have been fighting BP since I was in high school. The problem was that I just didn't understand. I never realized how NOT normal I was. I have been DX several times with BP but no one ever explain to me and I didn't realize there were different stages. Finally they have DX'd me and explained the difference between Stage I and Stage II. Since I never had a manic attack as my brother did (He was stage I) I always thought that I was just a little depressed and that the Drs were wrong, I didn't need the meds, and that I was just a little depressed and that because of the way my childhood was I just had issues I couldn't get rid of. I've been to counselors, Drs. Pysch. Docs the whole gammit.
During this time I have destroyed two marriages and my third is in the crapper. She wants a divorce, has disengaged and is seeing an old high school sweetheart, she says she still loves me but that the pain of being with me and with my actions are more than she can handle.
So in an effort to try and save this marriage I have turned to another counselor and reading selfhelp books. But for me, her looking me in the eye and wanting a divorce triggered a manic episode. mind racing, not sleeping, not eating, crying, irregular body temp., serious thoughts of suicide. I was all over the place. I finally went back to my Dr. and it was this time that he decided to inform me of Stage II BP. So I have started meds. Symbyax and Xanax and the racing thoughts have stopped and I'm able to eat and sleep now. I know it is going to be a rough road and I hope and pray my wife decides to stay and working things out.
Now to you... I would have episodes that i didn't realize were episodes. I had an affair. Not because my wife didn't love me or we weren't having sex but because I had this intense need to be loved, appreciated, cared for and more sex. During a depressed or level time I would never have even thought about having an affair with another woman. Also during the last 7 years my wife and I have been together, I have uncontrollable fits of rage and anger. Never physical, but definately mental, hostile, yelling, cussing and screaming rage. At both my wife, her family, my family, friends that didn't agree with me. So between treating my family and wife like crap, I had an affair, and many many many on-line affairs. I couldn't stop even when I wanted desperately to. I never wanted to hurt my wife or family. I never wanted to do the things I wanted by I couldn't control myself. As for remembering them, some I remember, some I don't unless reminded of them. It is scarey. Hell I am scared to death right now. I just started the meds so they haven't "charged" my system. The xanax is helping a little. But I am still scared I am going to lose my wife and I am scared I may actually not be able to fight the thoughts of suicide. I keep readig about the meds and they keep saying there is a small risk of these thoughts or actually carrying them out. I don't want to hurt myself and I definately don't want to hurt others. But it is there.
My advice to you... don;t give your husband an out, he'll take it every time. Wake him up. Point blank tell him. Its either he goes to the Dr and gets help or he's gone. If he balks get help from the authorities and have him removed. If it triggers an episode the authorities can help him. If it wasn't for my wife finally hitting me with divorce papers I would still be ruining my own life and the lives of my family and friends. So stand by him, but get him help!!! I wish my wife would have done this 6 years ago... it would have saved a lot of pain, embarrassment, torment, betrayal and anger. I don't know what my wife is going to do... but I do know what i'm going to do... I'm going to stay on my meds, work with my Drs. and therapist and become a human being again.

[truffles]

Ranger99a, thanks for sharing your story. Alot of what you said does sound like my DH. His Dr. did up his medicine, but I'm not sure if it is working. I try and watch out for his mood to change. I still think he needs more help. I do love him and want to stay with him but it is hard some days.

Had your wife gone to see a counselor? I was thinking of it so I can better understand his illness.

I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you are on the right track.

Thank you,

[ranger99a]

Truffles,
No, my wife hasn't seen a counselor yet. I believe she is going to start going in a couple weeks when she returns from her business trip. I have been begging her to go since I started seeing my counselor. I think that even if she does decide to divorce me, a couselor can help her over come a lot of the anger, frustrationa and pain I have caused her. I would suggest you do the same. You can't help your husband if you are angry and hurting inside. You'll build up resentment (if it isn't already there) and that will do neither of you any good. Go with your husband to his appointments if you can so you can give his Dr. your views on how he is doing. I know for me it is hard for me to tell my Dr. and Therapist how I am doing because my moods are still swinging up and down and I just don't know what normal is yet.
It is hard and some days will be harder than others, but in the end it will be worth it, at least I hope and pray it is...
I'm lucky in a way, my brother went through this with stage I so I know how family and friends react. I also know that counseling helps.
Where I was unlucky was that no one ever told me there were multiple stages or I would have gotten myself help sooner rather than thinking I could handle it myself. I am now VERY sorry I didn't get the help and that I've literally put three wives through hell with my illness.

[truffles]

I'm not even sure about how to find a counselor to talk to. I was thinking of asking my husband's Dr. to refer someone. I did go with him to the Dr. but he didn't want me to come in with him.

My one problem is, he thinks he can handle this on his own, I really don't think he can. He can be OK for a couple of days and then he just kind of goes off. Plus I think he has been drinking too much. Self medicating, to take the racing thoughts away.

He goes from wanting help from me, to being nasty with me. I feel like it has been a roller coaster, couple of good days and then bad. I know it's hard for him too.

[ranger99a]

Finding a counselor is not difficult. I don' tknow where you live, but I know there is a church in every community. Talk to a preist. That is where I started. My wife wasn't willing to help me... she was mad and wanted me out and divorced. She didn't expect me to actually fight for this marriage... so it shocked her when I didn't want to end the relationship and I was willing to fight for this marriage. So I called her priest, she's Catholic, I'm not. That is where I started and he gave me a book, the number to some counselors, and some advice. I took all three and ran with it. I lucked out as far as counselors goes, I have a good one this time that I trust and as the experience dealing with someone like me. so start there... church and see where that leads you.
If he is bipolar stage II then he will think he can handle it on his own. I know for me... I didn't realize there were stages, I thought all bipolar was just a single illness and since I didn't have the hullucinations and the major manic episodes like I saw with my brother then I couldn't have bipolar. This time the Dr told me he had dianosed me with stage II and explained better what it was. I've done a lot of research the past week and I nail it almost perfectly. So there is no more denial for me and there is no more self medicating with alcohol. Not that I really did much to begin with because as verbally abusive as I was without alcohol I was far far worse with it. So he needs to stop with the alcohol. He needs to get to the Dr. and you need to go with him, even if he doesn't want you in there with him, call the Dr ahead of time and talk to the Dr about what you are seeing as his mood swings and give him as much detail as possible. Time, date, intensity, examples of the behavior, words, phrases, facial expressions, redness, tenseness, Keep a journal where he can't find it and keep making notes. It will help the Dr and him in the long run.
The wanting help to the pushing you away is normal. I do it all the time and sometimes at the same time. I want so badly for my wife to force her love on me to just hold me, love me, and drag me in to the Drs., but when she tries, I get abusive, harsh and think I don't need the Drs, I can handle my emotions on my own, when in reality I can't. PERIOD! Roller Coasters are normal and until he gets stabilized it is going to be a wild ride,,, YOU have to decide if your love for this man is great enough to see him through, can you hang in during the worse of times to enjoy the best of time? You haven't said if he is physically abusive or not... if he is... get out! he second he becomes physical you are then in over your head and you need to get help fast and get away from him fast... if his mood swings low enough he can hurt both of you.
I've rambled on long enough now... if you want to email me please do I'll help as much as I can... but remember... I am not stablized myself yet... so it my be hard to read what I write.
Rangert