[sugahorse1]

I'm in a mixed episode I think, except that I'm not irritable. I'm tired and totally unmotivated. I feel I've dissociated and cannot do my work. I just feel nothing at all.
I'm not sure I like this any more than depression...

[Miss Laura]

Hey Sugahorse,

I am sorry ur not having a great time at the mo! How u feeling now any better?

[Yoda]

[sugahorse1]

Thanks guys. I feel so dissociated - I cannot do any work. Trying to listen to my iPod. I feel emotionally dead. I have nothing to look forward to in my life, and I'm just living one day after the next, for no real greater good. My support structures are all so far away. I feel guilty to text my T, my poor friends have heard enough of my moaning, and my pdoc and only see me in a month to change my meds.

[JustAPixie]

(((( Sugahorse )))

I tbreaks my heart to know that you are going through such a difficult time. Someone once posted something to me about emotions and identifying feelings, and when I get really bad it does help. I'll try and find it for you...

In the meantime, know that I am here if you want to talk or want to "not talk".


Pix

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Pixie,
I don't know what to say - i'm not in touch with my emotions - i'm just in funk. Having to write an exam tomorrow is keeping me somewhat grounded, else I know I'd do something stupid. My bf goes away 2moro morning for 5 days, so after my exam I'm alone. Not sure it is too clever. But i cannot tell my bf that. I've been offered to see a friend 600 km away (I could fly up there) she knows me and my situation; I know i'd be a lot safer there, but my bf would flip!
I just feel I am a drag to everyone. All i do on PC is moan (With the odd decent post I can make to people when i feel stable)I actually don't feel i deserve your support, because i hardly reciprocate. Same with all my friends (Not that there really are any), and i feel i'm letting my parents down too - they don't know how i battle and i prefer to keep it that way, but once i'm gone, i know it'll hurt them to no end

[Trippin2.0]

Wish there was some magic word I could type to make you feel better, you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Will be saying a special prayer for you my friend♥

[sugahorse1]

there is no magic word, no magic person, no magic wand, no magic pill... nothing. just pull yourself together and get over it...!

[madisgram]

they call your mood hypomania. i get it too and it is so difficult to be around anyone when i'm like that, suga. it's just gotta run it's course unfortunately.(know u already know this) wonder if your pdoc could tweak your meds a little just to get you through this? i take an anxiety reducer and it does help.
if you can stand it, do a brisk walk. that may help too.

[sugahorse1]

I don't know if it's hypomania.
I'm ready to climb into bed; i have no motivation, no point in living. I don't think I'm anxious, just feeling sorry for myself and lonely.
My pdoc is too "busy" to realise that I need her help - NOW - and not in 5 weeks

[wing]

(((((((((((sugahorse))))))))
Those mixed states are the worst, aren't they? I think you're doing all the right things to hold on while it passes. And it will pass! Call your friend if you can't fly up and see her...stay connected online, text your therapist, have a good cry. Take a "blankie" day as soon as you can. Give yourself permission to take a day off, curl up in bed, pull the covers over your head and stay there all day...but ONLY one day. Then you must get up and tackle the world again with new strength.
It doesn't feel that way now, but you've been in a mixed state before and survived it. You can and will survive this one, too. xoxoxox

[venusss]

I'm sorry to hear you are doing so badly. Sending lots of positive energy your way.

[blueoctober]

sugahorse, I am truly sorry you are feeling this way and I hope your mood lifts soon.

[sugahorse1]

thanks - i do just want t oclimb under the duvet - except i did that on Sunday when i was deeply depressed... maybe Thursday. I'm just worried not being under supervision...

[madisgram]

how long has this episode lasted, suga?
it may not be a bad idea to just allow yourself downtime. sometimes i do this for a day or two with the understanding i need to rejoin the human race in a few. it does help me by doing this. matter of fact i'm going to do that today i think

[sugahorse1]

Friday was hypomanic,
Saturday SEVERE depression
Sunday Moderate Depression
The last 2 days I've been all over the place.

[JustAPixie]

Gus posted this to me when she saw I was going through a lot of emtions. I think it was first posted by jexa...

"Last week, we looked at ‘expansion’- opening up and making room for emotions, feelings and sensations in your body; allowing them to flow through you, without fighting with them or getting pushed around by them. And I asked you to practice the N and the A of the NAME technique:

N – Notice the emotion

A – Acknowledge the emotion by name

M – Make room for the emotion

E – Expand awareness

I asked you to pause for a few seconds and do a check-in, whenever you’re feeling stressed, and Notice what is happening in your body: where are you feeling it? What is happening in your forehead, jaws, throat, neck and shoulders, chest, and tummy (the areas of your body most commonly affected by strong emotions). And to do so with curiosity; to observe these sensations as if you are a curious scientist who has never encountered anything like it before, noticing the location, size, shape, temperature, pulsation, vibration, pressure, tingling, movement etc. And to then acknowledge the feeling by name, silently saying to yourself, ‘Here’s anger’ or ‘I’m noticing anxiety’.

Did you try this at all? If so, what difference did it make, if any? Hopefully, you started to notice a bit of detachment from your emotion; a sense of unhooking yourself or disentangling yourself from it, at least a little bit. If you didn’t, no worries; when you add in the M and the E of the NAME technique, it becomes much more powerful.

The M stands for Make room. How do you make room for a painful emotion? There are many different ways, but here are three of the most useful. I invite you to experiment with them, and find the one that works best for you – and of course, feel free to use any combination of them that you like.

1. Breathe and Open
Breathe slowly and deeply, and imagine your breath flowing into and around the part of your body where you’re feeling it most intensely. Imagine that as you breathe into the feeling, all this space opens up inside you, around the feeling. See if you can cultivate some sense of opening up inside, expanding around the feeling.

2. Create an Object
Imagine this feeling is an object. What is its shape, size, colour, weight consistency? Is it liquid, solid or gaseous? Is it moving or still? What temperature is it? Is it transparent or opaque? Light or heavy? Is there any sound, vibration, pulsation within it? If you could touch the surface, what would it feel like; rough, smooth, wet, dry, hot, cold, sticky, spiky? Try breathing into and around this object, and see if you can get a sense of opening up and making space for it.

3. A Compassionate Hand
Take one hand, and imagine that it is the hand of someone very kind and caring. Gently place this hand on the area of your body where you’re feeling this most intensely. Let your hand rest there, and feel the warmth flowing from your hand into and around the feeling. Most people find this instantly soothing. Leave your hand there for a while, and see if you can get a sense of softening up or loosening up around the feeling.

NOTE: With practice, you will reach a point where you can do this very quickly; in the space of a few seconds, you can notice, acknowledge and make room for the emotion.

And then what? Well then you need to Expand awareness – to engage with the world around you. Life is like a stage show, and on that stage are all your thoughts, all your feelings, and everything that you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. What you have been doing above is like dimming the lights on the stage, and shining a spotlight on a painful feeling. Now, keeping that feeling in the spotlight, you simultaneously bring up the lights on your body. Push your feet into the floor, straighten up your spine, adjust your posture – notice both your body and your emotion.

Next, you want to bring up the lights on the world around you. So open your eyes and ears, look around and notice what you can hear and see. And notice what you’re touching. And notice where you are and what you’re doing. And whatever it is that you happen to be doing, engage in it fully; give it your full attention, while allowing your emotions to be exactly as they are.

NOTE: this takes a lot longer to write or read about than it does to actually do it. In practice, expanding awareness as above takes a few seconds at most.
***
Like any skill, the NAME technique takes practice in order to develop competence. And like any skill, every little bit of practice makes a difference. If you do this once a week, that’s better than not doing it at all. Initially, it’s easiest to practice NAME in less-challenging situations where your emotions are less intense. This will help you develop your expansion skills, so that over time, you can apply them in more challenging situations where your emotions are very intense. So why not try this when you’re stuck in a queue or a traffic jam, or waiting for your date to arrive, and you’re feeling frustrated or impatient? Why not try it when someone has pushed your buttons and you’re feeling disappointed or upset or annoyed?

REMEMBER: the aim is not to get rid of the emotion, but to stop struggling with it; stop amplifying it; stop letting it push you around or overwhelm you. The thing is, when you drop the struggle and make room for the feeling and engage fully in whatever you are doing, you will often find that the emotion does reduce or disappear. When this happens, enjoy it, but please look on it as a lucky bonus, rather than the desired outcome. Certainly, don’t start looking at expansion as a way to control your feelings, or you’ll soon be disappointed!"

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Pixie - am I right in assuming this is part of CBT?
I've sent my T an e-mail, not sure if she'll read it. otherwise i'll text her tomorrow...

[BNLsMOM]

I don't have anything to add other than my support suga. I hope you begin to feel better soon.

[larakeziah]

i'm in a similar situation at the moment. Everythin and everyone is irritatin me. I can't stand to be around anyone. I can't think, i'm jus numb and want to hide away! I hope this passes for you and for me! Keep safe

Hugs, suga! And never worry about posting! That's why the forum and all of us are here. Sometimes reciprocating is difficult, even impossible. I'm currently in a place where it is only somewhat of a struggle, but there are times I can't really do it at all. That's ok, and the great majority, (if not all of us(!)) have been there. It's totally ok!

Total emotional numbness is familiar to me, too. I've always considered it a form of depression. But who knows. That's just my feeling about it. It is a strange place to be and I hope it lifts for you soon. Above all, stay safe, even if it feels like it's pointless. In fact BECAUSE it may feel that way, because that's a sure sign that the disorder is lying to you. Do not worry about BF flipping out. There was this time that really stands out for me, when my ex-husband made clear that he did not want me to seek help, even though things were really bad. At first it seemed like an impenetrable roadblock, but then I realized... Hey! Wait a minute! THIS IS NOT UP TO HIM! It's your life, your call. You know the support and help you need. Do not hesitate to seek it -- it's not up to him!

[lonegael]

I agree with Innezone. Be carefull now, and don't worry about moaning to us. If you want, dear, I can moan right back, and you won't have to feel guilty. Look. These numb periods can flip either way, and they leave you unprepared for the flip. STAY SAFE. You know how bossy I can get, and you don't want that do you? Fun aside, be carefull. Hugggssss.

[JustAPixie]

Thanks Pixie - am I right in assuming this is part of CBT?
I've sent my T an e-mail, not sure if she'll read it. otherwise i'll text her tomorrow...

I think so??? I just found that it helped me alot to seperate my emotions from one another and ground myself a little. Sometimes it's difficult to know what I experience because it's all dumped on me at the same time. Then I would focus on one specific emotions, not trying to analyze it, just thinking about the emotion and that really helps for me...

[sugahorse1]

Thanks all. Busy trying to focus on last minute cramming for an exam, then need to decide if I want to go back to work for the afternoon, or rather go to the stables(I know what the obvious answer is, but I also have responsibilities)
BF left 1 hour ago, for 5 days... not sure how i'm going to handle this whole being alone thing
Also not sure what mood or state i'm in now - may still be too early in the morning to tell..

[lonegael]

We're here, somewhere, someone is here. Just get on and post dear, OK? HUGGGSSSSS