Those thoughts

Your circle of friends cares. For sure. Can you ask for contact with them? That's the only thing that keeps me safe sometimes. You actually have to ask though--and tell them you just need the contact, maybe not suggestions for "snapping out of it" if that's their usual m.o. with you. Maybe they could come over and read to you while you are all snuggily in your bed?

Suga, I haven't read this post in a few days. I didn't realize you were suffering so much. Please keep yourself safe at all costs. I have gone to the ER numerous times when I thought that I wasn't going to make it, and everytime I was admitted to the hospital for a few days and collected more tools for coping.

Even when I have all these tools available to me there are times when it juset goes all haywire anyway. That's when I reach out. Sometimes it means an extra phone session with T and sometimes it means a trip to the ER.

I hope this passes for you soon and you find some peace.

Thinking of you (((suga)))
allow yourself to have the room to get through this without condeming yourself for it - you didn't choose this.
When there at too many emotions you can write them down and then give yourself permission to deal with them when you are feeling better. You can deal with them better when you are stable.

Nothing new to add to the conversation but I wanted you to know that I am still here listening. Waiting and watching for those first glimmers of the turn around that I know is soon to come. Do all that you need to take care of you and you will find that those glimmers of healing have come.

Just jumping on to say I was thinking about you

Ditto, hon. Please hang in there. Keep safe. Stay alive. HUGGGGSSSSSS

Suga, How are you doing?

Hi guys. I think the escitalopram shook me out of the darkness. While I still feel tired (And this weekend wasn't an easy one, with too much on the go) I think I'm on my way to climbing out of this.
Your support has been invaluable through this. My support IRL is VERY limited, so I really count on my PC family.

YAY.... hope things stay good....

I'm not sure if there has been research done into one large dose of escitalopram to shake someone out of depression. I've done it to myself twice now; once 140mg, and then 60mg. I felt terrible the next day, luckily didn't go into mania, T was terrified about my liver, but the following day I'd managed to climb a great way out of this hole. hmmmm - just a thought

While the depression is gone, it appears as if I've lost a very close relationship on the weekend. The person was my closest friend, who I discussed EVERYTHING with. It hurts me to have lost this friendship, and it keeps running through my head... She got upset because I went back to my boyfriend, who had been neglecting me a bit and didn't respect me like he should. But it's my life, and i love him, so it's my decision. But she feels it was wrong and I don't respect myself enough, she she terminates a friendship.

I cannot help but feel empty at the moment. I know it's a Borderline trait too, to feel like you have a void that cannot be filled. It's not around this trigger particularly; it's something I battle with in general.
Now I'm even more paranoid about friendships/relationships - I'm too scared to lose them and get hurt.
Arg - is this normal????
Going off home now - it's 5:30PM, time to make supper, do some work on my other business, then watch "Law Abiding Citizen" with a blanket and PJs with my bf.
Don't ask - I know it's nearly December, I'm in South Africa and it ought to be boiling, but it's raining 5 out of 7 days, and it's 20 Degrees celcius, plus my workd aircon is even colder. I'm cold and miserable.
Cheers!

Sounds like you might be worn out too. when I am psychically messed up, I get very cold even when it is technically not really cold out, and very sensitive to airconditioners. Stay cozy, dear. Thinkig of you. PS, it is minus 10 c here and snowing for day 4 in a row. I'm chilled too. BRRRRRRR! HUGGGGSSSSS!

Suga, in an earlier post, I think I missed important info--I thought you had more rl support than you do...I hope those comments didn't make any feelings worse. I am so sorry your good friend is distant now. Go for the creature comforts, all the things that make you feel safe...warm thoughts to you!

Citalopram has been a life-saver (literally) for me too, although I have to be careful with it as more than 10 mg/day causes rapid cycling, albeit with less severe depressions.

Some days I keep going just because I think my horse needs me.

My horse needs me and the woman who runs the stable I have my baby at would reserect me just to kick my butt! She's scrawny but no way in H* I'm taking her on!

Hey SugaHorse...we have talked about these thoughts. They happen. Then we keep going then we realize the thoughts are not there. Treasure those moments. The peaceful thoughts that are not disturbing come and go just like the bad ones. Focus on the good ones.

Made time to get back on here so pm anytime. I will be on here at least once a day...yeah, this place helps me that much. Helps a lot of other people too including you...I've seen you up and down just like all the rest of us bipolar people. But even though we have "those thoughts" we also have eachother.

Sending you a big horsey hug!

Thanks everyone.
I'm continuing on. Still fairly stable - which is great for my standards.
My real-life support structure is my bf (Who's usually too pre-occupied with his own life, but tries) and my T. I have a 2 friends I text and e-mail during the day. But I never see them, as they live 1500km away. Then there are 2 other friends i can text or see, but I don't really take the offer up too often, as the one is depressed herself and lost her sister to suicide, and her daughter in a car accident a year ago. So me with my "thoughts" - just not a happy scene.
And otherwise it's my PC family!

Hey NF - good to see you back. PC does help - my T has officially let me list PC as part of my support structure.
It's one thing to have discussed those thoughts; when I'm stable I can come up with the most elaborate coping plans and positive reinforcements - but when I'm in the depths of dispair and alone - those plans all go out the window.
Pls PM me your thoughts on this issue (NF), or post here.

Guys - you have been amazing and really helped me through a bad patch that I wasn't sure I was going to get through. With my T gone, my pdoc fully booked, my bf too busy... PC was where i found my support and strength!

Lots of hugs and love - Jackie

Hey glad things are a little better.

Sorry to hear about your friend but you should also respect their side of the situation. Not defending, condoning, or condemning but if they perceive that you are putting yourself in a bad situation maybe they cannot for personal reasons stand by and watch their friend suffer.

Maybe it seems a bit extreme but just like you want them to respect your decision they would hope you would respect theirs. Maybe they will get past this and re-establish ties.

In the meantime you will move on and do your best.

Lexapro - that's exactly how I'm playing it right now. As simple as possible.

That is good to hear. We will always have set backs, some worse than others!

But it is so nice to see you coping again. I know nothing has really changed inside but dealing with it is enormous!

You should be applauded for not giving up!

A standing ovation, infact!

I guess in hindsight most of us could follow in my "cheating steps" and give your body one heck of a serotonin boost. That's ultimately what shook me out of it.
Here's to 5 "stable" days!

5! Yippee! Sooo glad you hear you are feeling better, sugahorse!

Thanks everyone - hoping this lasts. Pdoc did trigger me, but didn't seem to really get to me; step forward...
I'm just tired and need to get my sleep under control - else that'll be a biggy for me.
I told my pdoc about my negative and sui thoughts, and she did absolutely NOTHING, nor did she flinch. She just is worried about what meds to prescribe, that I cannot really OD on. Flip woman - just help me, stop the depression, and I won't have these thoughts!

Hmmmmm. that is interesting. Not to sound like I am a Doctor but I always assumed that even if you thought a patient was acting out an emotional tantrum you don't take a chance on someone talking about suicidal thoughts.

Unless she was really, really, really, convinced you were not going to actually hurt yourself. In which case I would also ask her for some stock tips and lottery numbers.

And I mean no disrespect to her as a Doctor, but that is awful risky to take it so casually.