[Bear2280]

Lately, I've been fantasizing about suicide. Though, I don't consider myself suicidal. It's just a place in my mind to wander to, the ultimate escape. Sometimes, usually at night, I dream up ideal suicidal situations and it gives me something to hold on to. A kind of last hope, under my control and stored away in case things ever got too crazy. A reason I joined this forum is to discuss topics no one else can listen to without judging me or freaking out. To me suicidal fantasies as an adult are the equivalent of wanting to run away as a child.

[Amazonmom]

I have suicidal fantasies, but its not actually planning an attempt or anything. It's like once my mind went into the cold dark awful place, it remembers being there. (I planned out an attempt many years ago but didn't try it)

The pain is easier to deal with if I think there is a way out. That's something I am working on in therapy because I think it's a maladaptive behavior I burned into my mind when truly suicidal way back when.

[Eloise42]

My mother ghost wrote a book on suicide when I was six and I grew up thinking it was some kind of normal question to ask oneself: I feel bad, do I feel that bad?

I have some pretty strong feelings about it but what I've learned from being profoundly depressed at times is that there is a big difference between not wanting your life as it currently is, and actually wanting to die. At one point I considered it, decided against it and became even more depressed because the depression was therefore endless.

I think we associate death with change. Which makes sense because when someone you loves dies everything changes. I'm dearly hoping that what you are really fantasizing about is change. And for what it's worth even when it seemed impossible, that was always what got me out of that place. My lifestyle changed, something new came into it and I liked my new life.

[FeelingHopeful]

Bear 2280, No one will freak out here, we are here to listen, This is a great site, everyone is really supportive! Im glad you joined and look forward to hearing what you have to say.

[sanityseeker]

I imagine suicide and pray for death on a regular basis. Driving near the edge of a cliff I imagine one pull of the wheel or opening the door and falling out while driving at a high speed alone on a highway. I survived my mother's suicide and a few attempts of my own with pills. Since becoming a mother I made a deal with myself that I would not put him through the same suffering. He too has spoken of suicide for most of his young life. I think it is like a demon that possesses people and carries from one generation to the next.

Since I can't fullfill my fantasy on account of my son I pray for death to come some other way. I try to make my life worth living but the best I can do is keep surviving one day at a time. I most am just waiting to die. It can't come soon enough.

I know that sounds aweful to say. It is totally controdictory to what I preach to others but it is how I feel about my own life that is solidly planted in the toilet. Somedays I have hope that things can turn around if I just do this that or the other thing but then it doesn't and I feel drained for the effort and I just feel old and tired and a waste of air. Today is one of those days. Started out with a plan and nothing worked out and now my hope has vanished. I am ready to go but it is not my call so all I can do is pray for no more tomorrows. I wish.

[grizmom]

I thought my sui fantasies would never go away, but eventually with proper meds and with time, they have gone away. (Well, except when I cycle down far enough to actually consider it again, but that is rare now)

Welcome to PC, everyone has been very supportive and kind here.

[Shakti]

"I think we associate death with change. Which makes sense because when someone you loves dies everything changes. I'm dearly hoping that what you are really fantasizing about is change. And for what it's worth even when it seemed impossible, that was always what got me out of that place. My lifestyle changed, something new came into it and I liked my new life."

Eloise, thank you for this!! Wonderfully stated and really great food for thought. I wrote this down in my journal to look at when and if I ever feel that low again.

[meApe]

I've had many many fantasies about it. I guess my biggest fear is that everything is going to change. I feel life sucks so bad and any change will only be horrible. If I will not be able to keep things like they are if they will change, then I can at least determine how it will change. I am like sanityseeker if I die and not take my own life then my blood won't be on my own hands.

[Skully]

I would let your pdoc know about this. Even if you are not suicidal it is still something they should know about. When I think about it and get to that fantasy place, I always bring myself back by saying to myself that nothing is worth my life. No matter how bad it gets.

[iluvyaoi]

Don't worry, I've also had these suicidal fantasies. I'm not really sure why I get them. I'm not saying my life is perfect and I'm always happy (even if it seems at times, but it's more of a facade), it's just that I know I will never committ such act because I can't bare the thought of leaving my mother behind. I don't wanna leave this world knowing I still haven't fully made up for what I feel guilty for. When I'm really mad and can't control it, sure, I get some suicidal thoughts, but there are times when I'm riding in the car, and I look out the window and look on to the speeding pavement, and I feel like just opening up that door and jump out. There are times when if I'm in a high place, I feel like jumping off. There are times when I'm walking on the sidewalk, and when I hear a car zooming by, I feel like jumping in front of that car. I'm not sure why I crave for Death...

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Bear2280

Lately, I've been fantasizing about suicide. Though, I don't consider myself suicidal. It's just a place in my mind to wander to, the ultimate escape. Sometimes, usually at night, I dream up ideal suicidal situations and it gives me something to hold on to. A kind of last hope, under my control and stored away in case things ever got too crazy. A reason I joined this forum is to discuss topics no one else can listen to without judging me or freaking out. To me suicidal fantasies as an adult are the equivalent of wanting to run away as a child.

Yeah....

[Nachtschatten]

Bear:

I do the same thing. Many times I ponder about how I want to commit suicide. I am a very visual person and I picture it in the most vivid detail possible. Sometimes it actually helps me to not think about it anymore, but then at other times it makes me even more eager to go through with it. Strangely enough, I've found that when I can't sleep at night I envision scenes of my suicide, or even what hell might be like if the thought that suicides go to hell held any truth. Usually it works like a bomb, I'm asleep within minutes. Something I use to get out of a suicidal rut is to research methods online to see what you can do and how you can do it, and also to find pictures of previous successful suicides. It tends to help most of the time. But the yearning to get away from it all usually returns quite soon, and with it the desire to kill yourself.

sanityseeker:

I do that quite a lot too, pray for my own death. The other day I was driving on the highway with two family members and a friend in the car. The only thing that kept me from driving into the oncoming traffic was the fact that they were in the car. But I desperately pray for my death quite often, so that it wouldn't have to happen by my own hand. I've had too many failed attempts (yeah I guess I'm too much of a p*ssy to go through with it), and the awkwardness of facing everyone after that is just not my cup of draincleaner :-P.

I hope you guys are feeling okay today though.

[sugahorse1]

I've made so many plans, done research... It scares me, that I actually don't feel bad about it. If I get suicial, I know I should not be in a car - those thoughts can be scary.

I too hope you guys are all feeling better today - else PM me and we can chat. I've been stable for about a week now, after having suicidal thoughts... So I really do understand

[racee]

it made me fell better just knowing other people think about it, actually when i told my therapist how everytime i handle i knife i think about cutting my throat or take a pill taking all of them or when i drive on mountains its scary cause i think about driving off the cliffs or getting into accidents or off bridges and im never sure if i'm going to...but i know deep down that i'm not. and she smiled at me and said that ok your normal. thats was the best thing anyone could have said to me.

[bpd2]

I wonder if, once you've gone very far down that road at all, suicidal ideation doesn't become a default setting? I feel that way often...

[sugahorse1]

bpd2 - I think once you've gone down that road, it becomes easier. I often find myself starting down that road again. The initial scare and being frightened have left, as I now know what to expect. I'm sure that after your first attempt, you are at a much higher risk

I pray for my death as well...have come so close I was on a respirator and was nearly unplugged.I still have braindamage in the form of some memory loss.It is really improved tho'~W~

>.< sorry for that post.The edit allotment is expired

[rainwater]

I also have experience these thoughts in times of despair and feeling problems will never change I think trying to fix a big problem causes the hopeless despair. Maybe the answer to feeling better is to take things one day at a time, breath and accept, love yourself more. Best Wishes!

Bless all,
Rainwater