[Amarantha]

I was asked a question today, by a friend..and it sort of shocked me because no one has ever asked me this before.
We were walking and she suddenly turned to me and asks "If you could, would you change it? Would you wish that you never had Manic Depression?"
And I stopped and thought about what it would be like, what I would be like if I didn't have it, and I couldn't.
I couldn't imagine myself without Manic Depression, and I wasn't sure if I would want to, because it is such a huge, consuming part of me, and my life. So I told her no, I wouldn't change a thing.

Does anyone else feel this way? If you could, would you change it so that you never had the illness in the first place? Can you imagine who you would be without it?

I would love to hear your thoughts on the question, and my answer, thanks

[PT52]

wow...deep thought.
It's kind of hard to know how "normal" would feel. When I think about it, I see being BP as walking along the edge of a cliff...if I step off I land in "normal", but I can't see it from where I am. So I don't know if I'll like it or not. I think I would go for it, as long as there wasn't a trade off; creativity, intelligence, whatever in exchange for being normal. Then again, life is pretty interesting the way it is.
Thanks for starting this thread - it'll be interesting to see the answers.

[Amarantha]

Love the metaphor ^.^ I think, if I look at it that way then I sort of feel safe in what has become my own sort of normal, because the generic 'normal' that society has come to know as correct isn't MY normal anymore, because I have adapted to BP...if that makes sense :P So stepping off the cliff for me would be like stepping into an unfamiliar world of confusion, and that's what would scare me about changing anything.

[blueoctober]

I would give this illness up in a heart beat. It takes up my time, finances and energy to manage it. I would rather spend that time and money elsewhere. I have been doing a good job at managing the illness, but I just get sick of taking the pills, making sure I get to bed on time, going to to the psychiatrist and therapist. I struggle with finding a relationship, because I'm scared of the "I have BP discussion". At times I live my life smaller than I normally would because I know that certain actions may trigger the BP.

I'm feeling depressed right now, so sorry to be a Debbie Downer wah-wah

[Amarantha]

Oh no, it's fine I wanted to hear everyone's thoughts on the subject so it's good to see it from your point of view too.
Of course I don't enjoy having BP so that's definetly not why I would choose to stay the same, but because my life with BP has become such a big part of me that I don't have any recollection of what "normal" is like. So, for me, the fear of a life unknown is much greater than the fear of a continually miserable existance.

[Vita]

At first, I thoght the hypomanias were great, and the depressions were like holes im my life: i could hardly see them when I got up (oh -they were pretty deep).
Now, stable on Lamictal (lucky me), finally relieved and happy, I would gladly have been without.

[phlashback]

I have asked myself this question, and it is a tough one to answere. What would change, and to what extent. The butterfly efect is definitly at play, and a small change has a large impact.

Would my life have been easier or better I would never know. For as much pain I have endured I have also become stronger. The things that I have done as well as the things I have not done may never have been.

If I could toss all of the bad and only carry the good I might, but realizing that they are all one in the same means I cannot have it both ways.

SO I guess I would have to say no I would not change it, because with all that I might gain.. there surly would be a cost.

[onlymedid]

I would give it up no questions asked. I get sick of the highs and lows, the meds, the financial part of it, the appointments with the doctor, having to manage my feelings around family and friends, keeping it a secret from people....I could go on and on.

[yagalada]

I would give it up, I wish that I didn't have these problems at all. I don't think bipolar disorder makes me who I am, I feel it complicates me and prohibits me from fully being who I am. I can think back to childhood, before any problems started showing and I was a caring, creative, sensitive, social, intelligent, intuitive, pleasant little kid. Those are the qualities I like about myself and I feel those are the qualities bipolar disorder has impeded.

BUT, I am grateful for my life experience. I think that one day, once I've proven to myself that I've stabilized enough that I can live through episodes without needing crisis intervention, or self-harming, that I would like to learn how to be a peer support.

[Amarantha]

Hm, yeah, I think if I could remember what it was like before then I might want to change. But I barely remember anything from my childhood except a few choice memories and things that people tell me :\

So, really, this person that I am with BP is who I have always known myself as, and will always remember myself as, so there's nothing to turn back to for me. And I would never want to change who I am, no matter how difficult it is for me to live this way.
I also wouldn't change for fear of forgetting what it feels like now, and how strong I've become, I wouldn't want to give that up for anything. Even though it does affect all aspects of my life, especially relationships, I know that if they can't accept me for who I am even with the illness, I wouldn't want them in my life at all.

It's interesting to hear everbody's different view point, and the different things that would affect our decisions.

[reader71]

I would give it up. Depression has destroyed a lot of things in my life, including my self-esteem. My impulsiveness has led me to make very bad decisions that have affected my relationships with people negatively. If I didn't have to deal with managing my bipolar, I think I would be happy about it. It would be nice to go through life without feeling like every day is a struggle.

[Anneinside]

I would give it up in a second. It has eaten my career, my time, my emotions, my money and myself.

This is a good and tough question. i can't remember a time when i wasn't sick. i was originally DX with depression when i was 12 and bipolar at 31 with a lot of trauma throughout my life. I agree with yagalada that everything i've been through has made me what i am today, but I wonder what my life would be like if i'd never felt depressed, attempted suicide, been hospitalized...when i think about all of the time in my life that's been spent on this illness....and the time my parents and friends have put into me with this.....it's very difficult to even picture.

Amarantha, gotta say, this is about the hardest question... I went undiagnosed for sooo long, it is what I know of who I am. Because of not knowing what was driving all this, I had nothing to separate it from. Does that make any sense? If only it were a matter of pick and choose, it would be easy. Massive depressions? No thanks. Hypomania? Yes to the driven parts, no to the rage (and WTF Ebay purchases, lol). Without being able to separate it, it is impossible for me to really say.
Hehe, what a wishy-washy answer.

[Mac Murphy]

I have thought a lot about that question. I hate this illness but at the same time, who I am is the result of my illness and my experiences. I don't know what I would be like without my illness.

Would I be a better person? I don't know.
Would life be better? Different for sure, but better? I don't know because I see friends without mental illness struggle hard in ways that I have never struggled with.
Would I be happier? I don't know, but maybe.

I have had this illness for my entire adult life and I am almost 49. I don't know what it means to be normal. At this point I wouldn't want to be free of this illness because I am afraid that even though it is treated it has become a part of my lifestyle. It is an illness but I have routines that are coping mechanisms that have become habits and part of my daily life. Take away the illness but take all my associated memories as well and let me start fresh. Better yet, let me have my adulthood back.

[Ryask]

Absolute would not change it. I am in school to be a therapist, and i think my experiences with depression, hypo-mania etc are really an asset. I think about how my T doesn't really know what it feels like...he doesn't know what an anxiety "poison ball" in your stomach feels like...he doesn't know what laying in bed, not showering or moving for weeks feels like..I guess i just figure when someone tells me about their depression...i will be much more able to help...because i know what it felt like for me....so if they describe what it feels like...i can help all that much more because i really know what it feels like.