[sugahorse1]

any advice - other than to eliminate the stressor?
I'm going mad. Work is @ a stressful point right now, which will eventually calm down. The hours, energy and concentration required are CRAZY!! I am usually a very vocal person, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am now adopting a back-seat approach, as I really just feel numb. Like I am no longer my own person, but just a puppet.
I am lucky that my meds are helping to stop me fall into depression, but I just feel so arggggg at the moment. I feel like I am in a mild panic attack all day long.

suga! TG for meds, huh? They're the only thing keeping me from going over the edge at this very night. Dissociating, rocking.... Numb indeed. The stuffing down is palpable.

The feeling of a long spell mild panic attack is distresssing, isn't it? Hope it settles down at work for you soon. Sheesh, there really can be some intense spells.

Wish I had some good advice, but unfortunately am not at all in a fit state to offer any...

Still, at least I have hugs for you, suga!!!

[sugahorse1]

thanks IZ.
I guess this intensity is strange to me, after 4 stable months. Yeah, I am dissociating. Had phone conversations with my mom and my boyfriend yesterday, and am lucky if I remember half. I cannot think straight and feel like I'm on another planet. Driving to work, I found myself driving through intersections like a sheep. Not looking at robots or traffic, just following the car in front of me.
I am feeling tearful at the moment- something I havent in ages!
I have Benzo's, which I prob should take to feel a little relieved.
Hang in there IZ-we'll hold each other's hand through this

[PT52]

I'll try to hold both of your hands.
This is probably a bandaid on a broken leg, but I'm finding the whole "be in the moment" therapy to help a lot. The part where you gently bring your mind back to the present moment. I still lose chunks of the day, but not as much. And the only thing that's made me cry lately has been job rejections..I still take those personally.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm thinking of u suga an IZ

Can't type much, my ryt hand is out of action (minor surgery) but know that you both are in my thoughts and prayers...XOXO

[Tsunamisurfer]

Suga, has any therapist or psychiatrist been able to help you with those desperate feelings?
My experience so far is NO. None of them can relate to it. They try to reduce it to a diagnostic category in a manual, and throw drugs at it.
It can be incredibly lonely and insane coping with those experiences until somehow something calms down on its own - noddy badge for the meds? I don't know.
Hang in there.
TS

[sugahorse1]

TS- I'm not sure what to expect from my T in this regard. And naturally my pdoc will be reluctant to give me any more meds to cope, when my situation appears circumstantial.
T suggested I disclose to my HR department, and maybe look for another job, as this is not making me happy. But the security I kind of have in my job, is something I cannot give up.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Hope you're hanging in there, Suga. Hold tight and surf the coming week.
P

[yagalada]

I'm feeling similar lately. I'm just trying to have compassion for myself, be in the moment, and practice the relaxation techniques that work for me, visualization, distraction, progressive muscle relaxation. It doesnt always work but I keep at it, i think that just the practice alone might start to trick my mind into feeling relaxed, maybe

[wing]

Suga, you have the anti-anxiety meds for a reason...there is no shame in taking them. I used to resist benzos, thinking I could manage to push through without them. I don't know why there is such stigma attached to needing them. If your doctor prescribed them, MHO is to take them to get through this rough spot. You can always taper back off once the crisis is past. We need to use all the tools in our toolbox, and for some of us, that includes benzos.

[sanityseeker]

I hope you are feeling better Suga and I wish the same for you too IZ.

Work stress can be very difficult to cope with and I know you have been holding it all together for a good long time. I think the advice your T gave you is worth considering. Perhaps it might make it easier to leave a stressful job that you don't really like if you could find another job first that you do like that will be less stressful.

This might be a way to maintain the security of an income and provide yourself with the gift of a more accomodating work environment. Just a thought.

For years after leaving the high pressure job that I loved but had to leave because my symptoms were starting to really impair my performance. That was 7 or 8 years ago and when I did start to look for work again I thought I needed to find another job with the same high level of responsibility to regain my confidence and self esteem.

It has since come to me that I don't need my job to define me and I can find a way to manage with less. The big bucks weren't worth compromising my recovery. I started my own small consulting business where I could still utilized the skills but without the same pressures. Now when I consider joining the workforce again I am looking at things that I enjoy doing even if the money is much less then before.

Wishing you well and hoping the stress eases up for a while at least so you get a chance to regroup and find your centre again.

Someone else mentioned the value of 'staying in the moment' and I would just like to second that suggestion. I have been doing a lot of meditating lately and keeping track of my breath. It has been a very effective anxiety buster and the more I do it the more quickly I can act when the pressure starts to build again.

[sugahorse1]

i don't think i understand the concept of being 'in the moment' very well.

My stressor has eased somewhat, but i'm left feeling numb. I dont have too much fighting spirit left, but instead am just going with the flow. Held together by meds and therapy, and the bit of support i may have.
Will start looking for a new job I think. Else considered a move within the company, which the 'talent manager'/organisational psychologist would assist me with. And i know it would be easier to justify if i told him about my BP. But scared of that.
Else thinking of running a real estate company branch for my partner. Huge IT component, and I probably have more passion for a real managerial position, not my half-hearted management position where I stilll get dictated to and used to the nth degree. I work a 50 hour week most of the time; no over-time pay

[sanityseeker]

Hi suga... I found I an interesting article today about coping with anxiety. Looking beyond the sales pitch I found the approaches he shared worth the read. Here are the links to a couple of the ones I read tonight....

End anxiety in 4 easy steps.... it speaks to the idea of sitting with the anxiety that instead of fighting it.....
http://www.panicaway.com/newsletter/1

Here is another from the same site but it also has on the right side a list of other articles that don't appear in the first link but seem interesting as well.

Getting to sleep when you have anxiety.....
http://www.panicaway.com/blog/getting-to-sleep-when-you-have-anxiety

My understanding of being in the moment is to be present with your immediate surroundings. Being mindful if you will. No thoughts of the past or the future but focusing on the present. This moment in time. It may be to just focus on your breath and feeling it as you breath in and breath out. It may be looking at a flower or a beautiful work of art or watching the sun rise or sun set, emersing yourself in what is present in that moment. No thought outside of that time.

Others may offer a better explanation but that is what it means to me.

My garden is my best place for staying in the NOW. I have declared it my no thinking zone. When I am in the garden it is all about me in the garden. I will feel the coolness of the dirt between my fingers and acknowledge the pleasure it brings me. I will gaze upon or take in the fragrance of a flower and get lost in it for awhile. I will observe new growth and marvel and how it prepares itself to bloom. I will stop and listen to the birds sing or the chipmucks chirp and just be present in all that is happening moment by moment. It is calming, refreshing and renewing for me.

[sugahorse1]

thanks for your explanation of being in the now. I can only imagine it's easier in theory than practice...

[sanityseeker]

I am not so sure suga. Once you get a taste of it you will never go back. You are a horse woman aren't you. When you ride do your let everything else go and just enjoy the time with your horse. Can you just be in that place with your horse. Feeling the breeze, feeling his strength and power under you. Feeling and hearing his breath. The sound of his huffs the movement of his mane.

Observing those things, staying there in those moments with nothing more on your mind. Nothing more tugging for attention. Just you and your horse and the wind in the air. That is being in the moment.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

...
My understanding of being in the moment is to be present with your immediate surroundings. Being mindful if you will. No thoughts of the past or the future but focusing on the present. This moment in time. It may be to just focus on your breath and feeling it as you breath in and breath out....

Sanityseeker, thanks so much for that useful input.
I want to give it a try, and hope it gives me some control over what appears to be uncontrolled thoughts and auditory hallucinations imposing themselves on me all night. Last night I went to bed around 23h00 and by 01h30 I was still seeing high speed flashes of spinning white bodies, syringe needles, crowds leering scathingly at me, all the while heavy metal guitars and fast paced drums were pushing the pace faster and faster. No sound of crickets or trickle of the fish tank - it was all drowned out by this bizarre vision and internal noise.
Oh well, it gives me some material with which to develop some new art work LOL.

Being in the moment is something I tend to do when scuba diving. If the dive type allows it, I like to close my eyes and simply feel the water around me - slow deep breathing, the sensation of being weightless, relying only on the pressure in my ears to tell me if I am ascending or descending, and just being immersed in the sounds of the bubbles escaping and of the fish pecking on the rocks. I'm quite comfortable doing this at night with the lights off, or in water that is so black you can only navigate by feel. It forces you into an inner realm and to be at peace with it, and not afraid.
But I haven't dived in 19 months because of this non stop rather extreme rapid cycling. Maybe it is time to get back to my amniotic fluid.

I'll check out those links so long.

Peter

[sugahorse1]

sanity-when I'm with my horse is probably the only time I can ever switch off and just enjoy being myself and in the moment. You've just reminded me why I keep telling myself I need to spend more time with my horse.
Going to visit him in 30mins!

[sanityseeker]

Thanks Peter. I am glad you find the information helpful to you and that you are going to give it a try. I hope you find the articles usful.

I know of what you speak about the uncontrolable thoughts while trying to get some sleep. Mindlessness and meditation has become real lifesaver for me and less and less do I have those haunting and imposing nights. It has gotten a lot easier the more I practice.

Originally Posted by Tsunamisurfer

Oh well, it gives me some material with which to develop some new art work LOL.

Now that's a way to find the positive to counter the darkness of those experiences.

Originally Posted by Tsunamisurfer

Being in the moment is something I tend to do when scuba diving..... It forces you into an inner realm and to be at peace with it, and not afraid. But I haven't dived in 19 months because of this non stop rather extreme rapid cycling. Maybe it is time to get back to my amniotic fluid.

It is interesting how easy it is for us to gradually get away from those things that bring us the most pleasure and potentially can be of great benefit to our mental wellbeing. It is too easy to stuff our own needs; to think other things are more important, more urgent, more demanding of your time. The first thing we often abandon when the pressures of life as is most intense is self care.

Both you and suga, when prompted remembered a place where mindless was a natural part of the experience. For me it is my garden, suga her horse and you for you it is suba diving. It is interesting how we forget and undervalue the time and benefits.

Your description under water sounds beautiful and even more beautiful is to hear just how special the time is for you.

I think it is great there is a place calling you gus to visit. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you. As you recognize the benefits it gets easier to retreat to mindlessness even when you are not in your special places. When my garden is resting I go walking in the rain, playing in the snow, sitting by the river to help me stay in the moment and separte myself from the stressors.

[sanityseeker]

I would like to invite and encourage anyone interested in practicing mindlessness and meditation to come and join as on the meditation thread we started a few weeks ago. The support and information we are sharing with each other has been invaluable to each of us. We have helped each other to keep with it, share our struggles and learn from each other.

Here is the link and I look forward to seeing more people join us and sharing the magic.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=172135

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Sanity. We really need to learn to take time out for ourselves and to be mindful. At time easier said than done.
Hoping to see my horse just now.
The stress here is about to push me into another episode...

[Kymaro]

Suga, Employers have to offer FMLA (in the US) Its call "Family medical leave act". your doctor can complete the form and it allows you "time off work" either short, long or intermitent" with the protection of not loosing your job. I myself have used it as I work in the Emergency room as a nurse and stressors can over come me some days. Sometimes, just a break away from the stressor is all you need to bring the focus back in line without the fear of loosing your job. I cant imagine how hard it is to find a job right now. Lots of hugs your way and to everyone else too.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Kymaro. I cannot imagine being without a job. But need to sort out some issues in my current job, as it's triggering me and making me lose it.
I will look into some options similar to what you mentioned. Not quite sure what is applicable here

[BlackPup]

Sorry things are so bad at the moment. Hang in there, take it moment by moment and keep looking for another job.... I'm here if you need to talk, just mail me.... sorry I havn't been around, I've been distracted and self absorbed!

and s

[sugahorse1]

Thanks BlackPup. Appreciate you checking in. Will catch up via mail soon-just haven't had much time, and it's been triggering me. Today I'm just plain tired.
I hope things your side are betterm
Lotsa love to all my felloe BPers

[sanityseeker]

Here in Canada most employers offer extended group benefits insurance to its employees. The cost is usually split 50 50 but that can vary. Among the benefits is long term sick leave. Once other sick leave time has been exhausted the employee can apply for long term sick leave. While on it the employee collects an average of 70% of their salary and they are guaranteed employment when they are well enough to return to work.

Does anything like that exist in the US?