Thoughts please

Hey guys,

Ok I have been doing good since going back on my meds. I have been talking to an older guy. He is 40 im 26. Anyways he lives in England and im in Scotland. Anyways we have been talking for about 2 weeks now and we have decided to meet in a few weeks time. He is gonna come up to me. I have just told him about having Bipolar and what I could act like but I am worried he hasn't fully grasped what it is like for me. He said he only really knows what he knows from the TV. I have bought stuff for his visit and he is renting a room at the hotel in all I have spent over £100. I don't know if I am ok with this or not but I want to see him. I don't know what he looks like as his computer is broken so we talk via text. However my phone can't receive pictures or send them. Catch 22. We spoke on the phone for the 1st time on Friday night for 5 minutes as I was anxious.

I have told him I will need to tell a friend that I am meeting him etc and he is fine with that. I am scared though. What if it all goes pear shaped? He says he loves me.... I don't love him, how can I when I have never seen him or met him.

Am I nuts for going ahead with this?

Personally, I would not do it, but that's just me. To many variables and possible outcomes that may not be pleasant. If for some reason I did do it, then I would bring someone with me and not make plans to see this person for more then one day....just in case we didn't jive.

I don't know, I see red flags, but I am ultra careful about things like this. On the other hand I met my husband on a dating site.

I remember a friend in college met up with a guy she had been emailing with. He came from England to see her in New England. It turned out to be a disaster. There was no danger, but my friend ended up hiding with my roommate and me until he went home. We can look back and laugh because it wasn't dangerous.

What if you brought a friend with you and had him/her blend in with people(remember stay in crowded places don't let anyone take you to a secluded area, especially if you don't know him) Your friend can have her cell phone ready to dial an emergency line if anything should happen.

Anyway, that's just me being careful because I see red flags in your post.

This:
I don't know what he looks like as his computer is broken so we talk via text. However my phone can't receive pictures or send them

and this:
He says he loves me.... I don't love him, how can I when I have never seen him or met him.

bother me.

The first part makes me thing that he doesn't want you to know what he looks like for some reason, and the second part, to be honest, creeps me out a little. I know things like this happened in the 19th century, people could fall in love through their letters, but in this day and age, unfortunately, we have to be safe and watch for predators.

What ever yyou decide to do, make sure you take safety precautions.

u are not nuts for doing so. i think of it as a blind date and even blind dates dont know anything about each other or seen each other. good idea for telling a friend. i would suggest meeting in a public place and bring ur phone with u. its ok to feel wierd about this. i met my husband on myspace! lol we have been together for 4 years and recently married. we have talked and seen pics of each other before we met. which was nerve wrecking.

hope all goes well! good luck

The fact that you're in doubt should speak volumes...

Thanks guys for your thoughts!

He has said we can take it all slow. I met him on a fetish website during my manic episode and its been a constant buzz in my life. I know I am feeling mixtures of excitement but anxiousness. The problem is my friend doesn't know anything about my fetish. I am embarrassed about it. I don't like it, but its who I am at the moment. The guy is booking a room at the hotel in town and im going to be staying 1 night.... he is only here for 2 days. I have a Psych app on his 2nd day so I am thinking of staying with him the whole 1st day and night and then saying good bye to him. People wouldn't understand me in RL if I spoke to them. I have managed to "ignore" 2 other guys I was speaking to. I hate when I get like this. I wish I had a huge alarm that rang sirens when I do stupid stuff like this. Been limiting my time online so not to land myself in even more turmoil.

My Support Worker said on Friday I am making myself more ill as I hide a lot of stuff. People wouldn't understand me and judge me on why I do these things. Grr!!

Nuts? Um, yeah, pretty much! (Sorry!) I do think it is smart on your part to realize that you couldn't possibly love him, not actually knowing him. Especially considering that people present themselves however they want on the internet. And let's face it, there's a LOT of b.s. out there. And even if everything they say is true, it's only the good parts. There's SO much that worries me about your situation that it's hard to know where to start. Length of time communicating, the big age difference (sorry, creeps me out), that you've spent so much money on him, that he says he loves you after such a short time and not knowing you -- he either uses the word "love" far too casually (and therefore w/o meaning) and/or is baiting. I know you've realized in the past that talking with guys on the internet has shown itself to be problematic for you and that it's something you've been working on. I do realize that it is far to easy to forget pitfalls when caught up in the moment, but it's definitely worth trying to see this in a rational light, because it's got red flags all over it.

(It is only fair to confess that I am somewhat hypocritical... I met my BF on the computer (not how you'd think, it was a highly unusual situation). We did communicate for far longer. Even trying to be rational and skeptical, checking out as much as I could from sources other than him and so forth, there is SO MUCH I learned later that would have brought me _solidly_ down to earth. A place I was decidedly not. I kept questioning whether I was hypomanic and convinced myself I wasn't. I was, and can see that now. But then? No way.)

Sooo... Maybe I'm coming off as a hypocritical hard***, but having learned the hard way, it seemed worth speaking up. Even not going the worst way it could have, it would have gone a whole lot differently, as they say, "if I knew then what I know now" ...

Don't do it.

(Updated in light of your new post: Being one night doesn't make this any better of a situation. To be totally blunt, the fetish and 'IRL people wouldn't understand' thing is just rationalizing. You know this deep down.)

You say you wish you had an alarm system that would ring. I think your trepidation and anxiety is the bell. It's normal to be nervous when you meet a new person; I am just worried about your questioning if you should go.

Either way, be safe.

ETA Oh, and staying in his room alone together is the perfect time to take advantage/hurt you.

He has booked the time off work and has already got his coach ticket to come up. Maybe I can go out for dinner with him we would be in public. He hasn't texted me back since I spoke about taking things slowly. He talks to me and he says he feels we are meant to be together. What if it all works out and I was stressing over nothing. Maybe I am just thinking worst case scenario. I have deleted 2 guys from my phone this week and feel so much better for doing so. This is my constant battle. I just think cause I am out of work at the moment I am losing my mind in a sense. When I worked none of this happened. I have managed to limit my time online too. I have only been online just over 2 hours. I can't tell my support network as they will go nuts and won't understand.

The more I read, the more I get creeped out. He cannot be in love and feel that you are meant to be together without meeting or even seeing a photo of you. I am not talking about attraction, though that is nice, I am talking about having an image of the person when you correspond. Also for me sometimes I can tell from someone's face if he/she is kind or not (That has been questioned as a paranoia symptom).

Yes I suggest that if you ultimately intend to meet him that you are in public for the entire time.

Sorry BNLsMOM.... thanks will just do that

Don't be sorry, just be safe.

I could not possibly agree more.
I would agree, but for feeling so very strongly that you shouldn't do it at all, ML. Besides the major league creep factor, consider this...
He's already gotten off work and gotten a ticket? So what? Does making a good decision for yourself, regardless of the timing, make you feel guilty? How very convenient for him. Guilt makes manipulation way too easy. Between the "love", "meant to be together" and "already booked", he is really giving that manipulation and baiting routine a workout. I hope you can see it for what it is, and not be fooled. If you find it hard not cave to manipulation from a distance, think how much harder it would be in person. This is (yet another) reason why I think even the restaurant is a very bad idea. He is already showing himself as a manipulator. It would be even easier for him to manipulate you into bad decisions in person!!! At least you have the distance to be able to reason a little now. Don't put yourself in that position.
Good for you! You will feel so good for making a good decision in this matter as well. Strength builds on strength.

him saying he loves u and its meant to b is a little freaky but i recommend not staying the night with him , that is not taking it slow. people are always going to judge you. if u feel good about who u are then u have nothing to worry. please urself not others do what makes u happy and makes u feel good about urself.

in all b safe! if its something ur doubting or have to think twice about then just go with ur gut feeling!

I really don't think you should do it. I cant express my reasons for this as i've just taken my meds and may fall asleep at any moment.
But i'm worried you are going to do this for more than one reason, mainly being your safety.
What if the experience doesnt live up to your expectations and you feel let down, used, hurt, degraded, detached whatever feeling men like this can make a woman feel, thats going to really bring you down. And its not worth it over someone you dont have feelings for.
I understand WHY you are doing this, but i think you should wait for a time where you're more in control, you've known the guy longer, you know what he looks like and when you are sure you are ready.
Please dont do this Miss Laura!

Me too!

Thanks guys,

I actually don't know what to do anymore. My mind is frazzled. He hasn't texted today and I am not that bothered about it. Its just after 7:30pm here. I don't know what is happening to me. I just feel like my life is a rollercoaster 100%

I say roll the dice. I would caution you on the spending the first night with him in a hotel. If things click he can make a second trip. I think we are vulnerable, and need to go slow.

Staying the night with him = in his mind sex. Period.

Agreed...

Hey Moose,

We have spoken about my Bipolar and I have said can we play(fetish) and have no sex this time as I am scared I get hurt again. He has agreed to this. I just want to have fun. Is my life doomed to have no fun at all cause of this stupid illness? I hate bipolar today!

Totally....and probably kinky sex at that.

I personally am not taking this issue as a bipolar thing at all. It's a safety thing. And I think this dude might be creepy... my definition of creepy may be different from yours? But, you will be the one taking risks...just hope he's worth it, that's all.

Even without bipolar, my statement stands. First date? This situation? Equally as important, starting a relationship based on sex and you won't get love that way. Nevermind that you two seem to have a fetish in common. I don't see how it could NOT be part of your meeting in a hotel room.

Also, sex AND fetish- esp. BDSM- take a TON of trust.

Hey guys,

After a lot of thinking and talking to my Support Worker. I decided to text him and tell him I think it's going way too fast and that I need to go slow. He took that as meaning "it's over" and texted back saying ok worries I respect you and understand and I won't bother you again. I felt terrible and so bloody guilty. As usual I worry about everyone else bar me.

So I have deleted him from my phone, deleted all his texts, deleted my yahoo account, deleted another 2 guys from my phone, deleted a guy from my msn and blocked him too. Later will delete a guy from my Facebook too! I do feel relieved that its all over. I spend about £150 on the guy who I was gonna be meeting and I have no way of getting it back. I stupidly bought things and got them sent to his address in England.

I am sorry for you guys to have to listen to my drama's. I feel like a complete idiot.