[MissMousey]

I feel down! The holidays are supposed to be a happy time of year...aren't they? Money is tighter this year than it has ever been and the extra stress of holiday spending is only serving to make things worse. People have expectations...and even if they don't...I am my own worst enemy anyway! I already feel less than valuable as a human being, not being able to provide a super Christmas experience for my son is making me feel even more rotten! Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, my house is a disaster...dishes are piled...laundry hampers are full...the hair balls rolling about my floors are getting bigger than the cats themselves and my dog just looks at me with these sad eyes..."what no walk again today"??? I've lost 50 pounds since the 1st of September and although I have a lot more to lose...it has been easy so far because I lack the basic desire to eat. I find it difficult to stuff in enough calories a day just to meed my basic nutritional requirements. I just don't have any will... or desire...I feel like I am worthless! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Saturday...I wonder what he will have to say about all of this?

MissMousey, and welcome to the forums!
Meh. Personally, I've found "supposed to be" something I have to watch out for. Didn't really learn this till my 40's. And wow, did it take practice! I've observed that disappointment and feelings of inadequacy are directly proportional to expectations. And frankly, at this time of year, we are bombarded with "picture perfect" (to put it mildly). And life just doesn't work like that. So please try not to beat yourself up over it, ok? The absolute greatest experience you can give your son is time together. It's not in material things. Spending time together and just enjoying each other's company. Sure, it sounds cliche, but it's true. One of the Christmas things I enjoyed the most as a kid was driving around looking at Christmas lights (we didn't live close enough to walk anywhere, but as an adult with that option, it's even more enjoyable). Mind you, I grew up in my grandparents' house. There were presents for sure. BUT! I can barely remember a single one of them. But my memories of admiring the beauty of the tree, baking cookies, belting out the carols at Midnight Mass , followed by driving around looking at the lights (and therefore getting to stay up super late! Woohoo!) memories are some of the clearest (positive) memories of growing up.

I "get" the depression part of the equation. For sure. Sounds like the Christmas expectation thing is contributing mightily to that. Probably something worth examining at your appt.. Because any amount you can let that go can be helpful in lightening the mental load that is weighing you down. Depression is hard enough as it is. And I'm certainly not saying that getting up and doing stuff is easy (because boy can I relate to what you describe!), but it is a more do-able goal than battling crowds and the stress of subjecting yourself to the economic end of things any more than necessary.

Oh! And as far as other peoples' expectations? I've found that most people are relieved to have "permission" to scale back. It's extremely likely they feel overwhelmed too!

You are most assuredly NOT worthless!!!

[Rosie23]

I am not a big fan of the Holiday's. There is all this pressure to give gifts to all manner of people and it just isn't reasonable to spend money like that. But it can make you feel inferior or something.
When my husband was alive and very ill we had to give up Christmas. There just wasn't any money for it. My kids were teenagers so old enough to understand. Instead of gifts, we sort of had a party on Christmas Eve. Junk food and cards and games and music and lots of laughter.
Take all the hype out of it and we actually had more fun. Even though my husband has passed on, I still do the party and no gifts.

[MissMousey]

Thanks for your kind words, Innerzone and Rosie23! I feel the pressures of inadequacy all the time but it is especially stressful during the holidays for me. I have managed to buy my son the items he really wished for so even though money is scarce and times are tough...he wont be doing without the gifts, my problem more lies in the lack of holiday spirit. It's the things you both talk about here that I can't seem to muster up. The joyous experience, the quality time, the games, the laughter...the part of Christmas that we all remember from our childhoods. That's the part that I am failing at HUGE! I lost my youngest son tragically in a fire 4.5 years ago and I've really been struggling to survive day to day let alone actually live. I know that my mental health is also a huge factor in my failure to succeed at picking myself up and dusting off...moving on...ha...hardly. I do everything I can...but it always seems to fall short. I so wish I could find the strength to have a party...to view the lights with wonder and awe again...but all I feel is sadness...I miss my son! I don't know how to find that part of me that died inside when I lost him...I just exist...and I know it's not fair to my surviving child. He should be experiencing life's joys and here I can't even put up a damned tree anymore. Holidays....blah!

[Irreplaceable]

I feel for you...One of my sister's died almost 5 years ago and my dad hasn't been the same since...He has lost a brother and both parents, and about to loose his other brother, but there is no pain in the world that can compare to loosing a child...That is what he always says...At times, he's like a walking zombie...Going through the motions...

I'm sorry you lost your child...That has to be devastating...I can't imagine loosing my little one...I wouldn't know how you function...I feel like I would just fall apart and not want to leave to house....

Even though your child is not here with you physically, I strongly believe that he/she is with you, but you just can't see him/her...I believe that he/she will always be with you, just not in the physical sense...I believe in spirits...That when people die, they are still here but not in the physical sense....You just can't touch him or her...I'm going to google the title of this movie that I saw recently with Matt Damon...That movie will really open your eyes to just the mere possibility that once people pass, they are still with you...I believe in psychics and people who can see those who have passed to the other side....If my child died before me, I would try to contact her to give me some kind of sign to verify that she is still with me....***sighs*** I hope this doesn't sound like I'm crazy....And I know that doesn't bring your child back...But maybe, just maybe it will give you some kind of reassurance that he or she really isn't gone...And I'm sure that he/she is in a place where they don't feel pain and they are happy...There have been times that I've talked out loud hoping that my sister will hear me....***hugs***

[MissMousey]

Your father is right, that nothing can compare to losing a child. I've faced many challenges and can attest to the accuracy personally. Although I carry him in my heart, and know that a piece of him will live inside me forever...I have memories...as much as I try to focus on the good ones...sadly I am constantly bombarded with PTSD and relive the fire, his death over and over. I've been working with a trauma specialist trying to get through it...but so far not so good. I have some good days, and I have some bad days...but lately I just feel depressed. I guess if you look at it over time...I am better today than I was 4 years ago...with regards to the grief at least...but I have serious doubts that I can ever be at peace. Partly because of a series of many crappy life experiences...and of course the challenges that being bipolar adds to the day to day struggles of muddling through this existence. I just wish I didn't feel so blah. I really want to see my son smiling over the holidays...and I feel like I suck the joy right out of him by being the way I am. Blah...thanks for listening.

MissMousey. It's probably worth noting that I lost the "holiday spirit" for many years, growing to the point that I truly hated the holidays. (Even with loss not being a contributing factor. I'm so sorry for yours, and truly can't imagine. While I'm not so sure about mediums as Irreplaceable, I DO believe people are still with us, and have had some experiences that shored that belief up.) Many of those years, I can't even recall depression, at least of the magnitude where it really sticks out. It predominated in the years when my son was a kid into mid-teens, so I get the guilt thing. I know it seems an impossible thing to ask, but try not to beat yourself up too much about it. You're doing the best you can!

The good news is that I enjoy them now. Well, parts of them, despite the worst economic struggles I've ever had. In fact, oddly enough, the turn around coincided with this(!) Part of it was by that point, I'd let go of the "obligatory" parts I hated. Had to really think about that. Some were obvious, some were subtle. It didn't happen all at once, but took years of whittling. It'd be very much an exaggeration to say that I'm now "filled" with holiday spirit, simply that it is enjoyable again. And I truly didn't think that would ever happen. But it did.

Just wanted to let you know that. Because I wanted to let you know you are not alone and realized my earlier post didn't convey that at all. It's not easy. There are years of what feels like suckitude of seemingly insurmountable proportions that just won't turn around. But it can. Perhaps not this year, but cut yourself some slack. It happens, it's ok, and again, you're doing the best you can.

[Rosie23]

I am sorry for your loss. The Holiday's are never easy are they? I understand your struggle.
And I used the word party but it probably is misleading. There are only 3 maybe 4 of us on Christmas Eve and my kids really are the ones that pull me along. Once someone gets to laughing about something stupid, it just kinda grows. We have fun, but it is on a very small scale. I do not try to do anything grand. Just trying to enjoy now because it really is all we have.

Originally Posted by Rosie23

.... Once someone gets to laughing about something stupid, it just kinda grows. We have fun, but it is on a very small scale...

Oh! This reminded me of a very silly thing. It's not at all holiday related, but it can provide a lot of fun for no cost or effort at all. When I was a kid, I would type out gibberish on a typewriter (because yeah, that's the timeframe we're talking ) and then read it aloud. O.M.G. the laughing. One person could type, the other read.
(Haha, maybe I am too easily amused, but this kind of stuff gets me rolling on the floor...even still.) How old is your son, Miss Mousey? Does this sound like something he might enjoy?