[Trippin2.0]

I honestly don't get it, why are we making such a fuss in this miserable 'life' ... Chasing things you want, only to lose it or destroy it yourself. The never-ending persuit of happiness, just so you can be miserable,angry, suicidal only days later... Celebrations which you remarkably live thru AND manage to enjoy, only to refuse to leave your bed the very next day. Making future plans even tho you want no part in a future of any kind, b.coz at the age of 17 you realized this was a miserable excuse of an existance and prayed earnestly every year you wouldn't see your next b.day. Fast forward 10yrs, you feel the EXACT same way, except with the addition of guilt b.coz you've become a parent. What's the point of forming ANY kind of personal relationships when people only want to be in the company of 'happy you' and can't stand the real morbid miserable you. So in reality you're alone M0ST of the time, despite having 'friends/family' I fudging hate this, I don't know what to do. I just want out... QUESTION: Why do YOU bother?

[kindachaotic]

(((((Trippin2.0))))). Exactly! As I've gotten older I wake up & think, what's the point. Husband & one friend in particular have pretty much written me off. They say I'm never "happy", well if we could be happy & chipper we would!

Don't have an answer, just thought I'd let you know someone read your post & cares about how you're feeling.

Take good care.

[dragonfly2]

(((Trippin))) - I know how you feel. And I sometimes wonder the same thing about myself. I recently reread some of my journals and it really is the same thing, over and over, throughout the years. But the periods in between the dark times help me survive. I also have kids and there is a sense of, maybe not guilt per se, but certainly having a duty to be here for my daughters. My kids are 10 and 13. The 10 yr old is very attached to me and I know with almost certainty that she wouldn't survive my suicide in the long run. So I keep going and revel in the fresh raspberries, meteor-watching, sparkling crystalline snow, purring cats and children's snuggles that I am privilege to in the between times.

I have also chased after dreams and accomplishments and lost them, twice now actually. But I take comfort in the fact that, despite the hand I've been dealt in life, I was able to accomplish what I did and maintained things for as long as I did. And I have no idea what new goals I will develop for the future. And yes, there is some hesitation in thinking about future goals when there are times I'm just trying to get through the day.

I also feel alone at times. There are a few people I can really share things with, but not very many. Sometimes these thoughts and feelings can be very scary for other people who may not know how to handle them and some people just like to go through life with blinders on and ignore any negative emotions in themselves or others. Coming here helps.

So, I guess I bother because I know there are good times and they temper the bad. I try to enjoy the simple things and go easy on myself when I have a bad day. Or week.

Your mood today is "in love". Can you talk a little about that person? It may just be your reason to bother for today.

[SunAngel]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I honestly don't get it, why are we making such a fuss in this miserable 'life' ... Chasing things you want, only to lose it or destroy it yourself. The never-ending persuit of happiness, just so you can be miserable,angry, suicidal only days later... Celebrations which you remarkably live thru AND manage to enjoy, only to refuse to leave your bed the very next day. Making future plans even tho you want no part in a future of any kind, b.coz at the age of 17 you realized this was a miserable excuse of an existance and prayed earnestly every year you wouldn't see your next b.day. Fast forward 10yrs, you feel the EXACT same way, except with the addition of guilt b.coz you've become a parent. What's the point of forming ANY kind of personal relationships when people only want to be in the company of 'happy you' and can't stand the real morbid miserable you. So in reality you're alone M0ST of the time, despite having 'friends/family' I fudging hate this, I don't know what to do. I just want out... QUESTION: Why do YOU bother?

Trippin', have you ever heard the song Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve.

That song describes what life really is all about. I am going to go find the link to that song.

What keeps me going is my husband and my dog. They would be lost without me so I have a reason to stick around. Everyday, think of 5 things you are grateful for and write them down. They can be repeats too. A Therapist told me to do that and whenever I am feeling like you're feeling, I do that and it makes me feel a little bit better.

You have a daughter who loves you and you love her. She will keep you going. If she lost you, what would she do? She needs you and we need you.

I understand 100% how you are feeling. (((HUGS)))

[Trippin2.0]

Dragonfly, i can't change my PC mood from my phone. Guess I am inlove but that relationship was doomed long before it began. Right now i don't care if i never see him again. Meh...

SunAngel: I honestly cannot think of 1 single thing. My mom used to remind me to count my blessings, they've gotten less and less over the years. Jordan? Honestly, she doesn't need me at all, my mom's always taken care of her while I work (can you spell INADEQUATE) and now that I'm unemployed I'm useless, my sister sees to her financial needs. So all in all I'm disposabal in that girls life. And God? I still believe He's out there, but not in the context the church taught me growing up, so alone I am... I don't want to bother anymore, I don't.

[roads]

(((((Trippin)))))
I'm so sorry you're still so very unhappy! But maybe I can get a laugh out of you when I tell you why I bother. It's because ... Wait for it ...

I'm an alcoholic! And I went to AA! Yippee!

I learned the secret to my occasional wondering about whether I wanted to go on living when AA taught me to Live one day at a time.

Until then, I imagined that what I was enduring now I'd have to endure forever. AA made me understand that that wasn't true. I could know nothing beyond this moment. I learned to Live in the present.

It took a lot a work, and a great therapist to help me, but eventually I learned to stay in the present when panic grabbed at me. It was silly to get caught up in what had happened--that was over. It was useless to project into what might happen--that was science fiction.

By living one day at a time, I can handle pretty much anything. I might be losing my health insurance, but I haven't yet. Today I have it. Whatever happens, I can deal with today. I can hold on that long.

If I can't, I'll break things down to an hour. These are my rules. I can change them. I will hang on one more hour.

Why do I bother? Because I can. It is my right. It is my choice.

When you toss off questions like what's the fuss? & why bother?, Trippin2, I wonder whether you realize that this IS your life--you make the rules. It IS your life--you are in charge. Make a HUGE fuss!

These folks who bug us wanting us to be happy all the time ... You know they aren't. They just aren't unhappy as much or as deeply. You may not want to chance it, but I bug them back some times. Nobody is happy all the time.

This reminds me of a thread someone started about whether we'd take a pill to be hypomanic all the time. Venus pointed out wisely the downfall inherent in that.

Roadrunner

[Trippin2.0]

I get the principle behind 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time. But that doesn't help when my present feel and IS fudged up. NOTHING is right in my life right now. And previous patterns point to this getting worse, not better. You say it's my life, which we could assume as correct, so let's take a look at it from a point of control: caregiving is not my forte', yes I'm kind and blah blah blah, but when I tried, REALLY tried for 8 months of being unemployed, I realized that I'm way too selfish to let a child disrupt my universe, and when I was forced to (b.coz it's the right thing to do, I did it begrudgingly) so I have established that I will NEVER fullfill the role that my mother, sister and niece have taken to so eloquently and so NATURALLY. I am unable to find a job that actually covers my expenses, so how do I change that in my reality? My friends/family, get UPSET with me for getting miserable. I DON'T want to be around them AT ALL!

[roads]

So you don't want to be a mother? And you don't want to have anything to do with your family? Is that pretty much it?

[Notdamooma]

Trippin, I totally understand. I always thought it was normal to think about suicide all the time. I didn't learn it wasn't "normal" thinking until I was hospitalized. Now the only reason for my existence is my husband of 30 years who has put up with sooooo much and my daughter. Without them I would not be here.

[Trippin2.0]

Not so much as don't want to be a mother (altho I have concidered it) more like I hate failing at it, but I try, and I suck, and it makes me feel useless. Family? Wish I could run, but I'm stuck at home with a mother who's scared to be left alone even for a few hours... I don't know what I want, right now it seems I don't want anything...

[Trippin2.0]

Notdamooma: I don't think I'm suicidal tho. Even tho I wish my 'life' was over already... It all just seems pointless and painful...

[Trippin2.0]

On second thought. Maybe I should just quit whining about everything and end it. I mean who wants to listen to this crap on a weekly basis anyway?

[roads]

So if you were gone ...

What would happen to your child? What would happen to your mother?

[kaliope]

Oh, Trippen, how many times did I lament those exact same words? How many bipolars sing the same song? And Dragonfly, with the journals? Here I always thought i would write an amazing book one day and i had all these journals for fodder. Then I read thru them once when I was stable and they were the same crap, page after page after page. It was horrible. I burnt them all.

Reading this takes me back though. Reminds me why I worked so hard. Why i stuck it out. Why i tried everything to get better and never gave up. I was totally against meds, but in the end, it was my last resort. It took 2 1/2 years of trial and error, but I kept with it and therapy and we finally found the right med. Now I live in a different world where all that misery is behind me. It is possible to get better. You just have to be willing to put in the work and have patience.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Notdamooma: I don't think I'm suicidal tho. Even tho I wish my 'life' was over already... It all just seems pointless and painful...

This is not active suicidal thinking but it can become so very quickly.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

On second thought. Maybe I should just quit whining about everything and end it. I mean who wants to listen to this crap on a weekly basis anyway?

This is more active thinking. Don't let it become dangerous. Get some help right away.

[Trippin2.0]

Don't worry BNLsM0M. I usually just sleep it off. Tx for caring tho.

[tnlibrarian]

What keeps me going are my kids. They are 7, 4 and 4 months. They need their mother and I don't want them to grow up without me or being raised by another woman who isn't their mother. My husband keeps me going, too, although I'm not that sure not having me around wouldn't be a relief to him. I know he loves me and knowing that he loves helps keep me going. Primarily, though, it's my babies. I love them too much to not try to keep going.

[AniManiac]

(((Trippin))) Sorry you're feeling this way - not much I can say that I think will help, but I'm sending warm thoughts your way.

What keeps me going, most of the time, is sheer stubbornness. Sure, I adore my husband and taking care of him is important to me, and I love my dog too. But mostly, I just refuse to give up. I've invested way too much work, care, worry, pain, and love into this life to just let it go without a fight. These situations come and go - it gets worse, it gets better.

[bluemountains]

*Possible trigger, about death of a friend*

Hi Trippin,
Next week will be the one-year anniversary of the loss of a friend who decided he was too miserable to go on. He was the lay leader of my church. He left behind a wife and son who recently had turned 18. I hate that his death is my reason for trying to push away suicidal thoughts when these cycle around, and seek help asap. His wife is one of my good friends, and I experience the pain he left behind when we get together. I am determined, though, to offer her as much support as possible, because her pain reminds me of the aftermath of suicide. I take meds, go to therapy, and seek online support from PC friends in order to put it all in perspective.
Don't worry about submitting the same thoughts each week. I feel like I whine and complain here all of the time, but those who are stronger than me always offer positive support.
Bluemountains

[~Christina]

(((((( Trippin )))))

I certainly understand how you feel .. Im sorry your feeling so down...

You are loved wanted and needed even if you cant see it right now.

[Moose72]

My answer is always my kids. Nobody else.

[Trippin2.0]

I hear yah Moose...

[Flooded]

My answer is my kids too. They are 6 and 4 and far too young to be without their mother. I was to young to be without my mother and I was 15 when she died. I couldn't imagine putting my kids through the pain of losing me if I can help it. I'm just beginning to deal with my own mothers death 20 yrs later.

Currently I'm in a pretty bad place and the urge to end it is very damn high. My husband is tending to the kids needs as I'm almost incapable of leaving my bedroom But when/if this episode ends, I'll be back to looking after my babies and loving them as only I can.

Trippin, I hope you find you way out of the black clouds. In the meantime, please keep posting. Maybe we can help

[Trippin2.0]

Jordan used to be my reason too, from the time I found out she was hiding in my belly... But now? Part of me is trying for her, and the rest of me thinks she's better off, any which way I Go... I don't know anymore? Is it logic? Satanic? Mental malfunction? I honestly don't know what to think about all this anymore. Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive, week after week, I appreciate it very much.XOXO