Do I need to go to inpatient again?

I was first admitted to hospital four years ago. Now at 17 I've had four admissions and this year I was planning on spending my 18th birthday outside of a psychiatric unit. The last thing I want is to be admitted again, seperated from my friends and family, and in a unit where I have to share resources with (OCD prevents me from going toilet at all for a couple of weeks sometimes).

The rules on suicidal posts here confuse me. So please do accept my most sincere apologies should I cross the line in what I post. But the past few weeks have been problematic...which some of you know from my recent threads and one or two forum posts. The past few days, though, have been the worse. Last night I was up for three hours later than I intended to be, writing suicide notes to 1. My mum, 2. My best mate Dylan and 3. The group of friends I have labelled as the 'westies group'. I was fully intending to end my life sometime this week at the time and still have a rather strong urge to do so...the notes are hidden in my room until the right time.

However I do have the slight thing holding me from doing so - and that is the fear of leaving my mum and dad in despair. Even though I begged and begged her in my note not to cry, I know that would be an impossibility. I am considering telling the crisis team I have been given the number for and told to report to whenever I'm in distress about the intense and very real urge to end my life but then there's that question. Will I be sectioned?

I'd rather if they worked with me outside of hospital but I am already medicated and attend weekly DBT sessions and nothing stops the impulsivity and I can say that suicidal urges are stronger than any of my other hospital admissions.

Would I be sectioned? Do you think I should be in hospital again? There's no way I'm going into hospital without them dragging me kicking and screaming. I can say that at least.

Sorry if I revealed too much in this. I was tempted to delete it all and just leave the website at least four times whilst writing it. Still not sure about pressing the submit button.

RB.

Hello RB,

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. Your suicidal thoughts sound very serious, especially since you have already taken the time to write notes. You also said they're the strongest they're ever been. You probably won't like hearing this, but I think it would be a good idea to go inpatient.

The most important thing is that you are safe. The psychiatric hospital can provide that safety, while also providing you with whatever help you need to feel better. I hope you'll consider going, and I hope you'll keep us updated on what happens!

I'm glad you submitted the post. I consider you one of our treasures & I don't want to lose you. Since you've posted, at least I can tell you that i hear your plea to be worked with. I would imagine that your meds would have to be reaccessed before any possibility of that could be decided, don't you think? If there's something to be done about the meds, something that would make you feel less inclined to be thinking suicide so necessary, then any need for inpatient would also change.

At least that's what I think.

Roadrunner

please contact your doctor ... maybe as Roadrunner said a change in medication seems needed... writing notes is a very serious thing.. noone likes to be inpatient but your life is worth it ... Your a wonderful person and you need to take care of yourself in whatever way will bring you thru these feelings to a more stable thought process.

Be kind to yourself

I, for one am VERY glad you wrote your post and hit that submit button, RB. And no, it didn't cross any lines. It is good of you to be so straightforward. Writing notes is a very serious thing -- please know that the concern I feel for you on that is not from "academic" knowlege. Roadrunner makes a good point about meds. They can change the whole equation. I get the hospital thing, but...here's the thing. Hospital's a question mark. That your mother would be thrown into depair? That is NOT in question. So if you work back from that, it comes to what it will take to prevent that, right? The thing is working with the negotiables -- meds and talking to the crisis team -- to determine how to stay safe to get it turned around. Please, RB.

Been sitting staring at the screen. So much to say, but don't know how to really convey it...

Teared up reading this. Couldn't possibly agree more.

I know you don't want to be inpatient for your 18th birthday... but is dead better? Think about it... you have a lot to look forward to even though it doesn't seem like it at this time. The only way you can see what is in store for you in the future is to be here. Sometimes hospitalization is the best choice. I think it is the choice you should take right now.

Please check in with your pdoc. I agree that a med tweak might be the answer. So glad you posted, and SO sorry you're suffering
Please look after yourself

Oh hun Sorry ur struggling so much! Have a word with the crisis team. They maybe able to help u at home first and then if not hospitalise u, but it's worth seeing if they can help u at home first. If u do end up in hospital then u have to be reassured that ur in the right place for the moment. It better that u be there for a while than gone forever! Hugs xxxx

Another day and yet the urges intensify...though still fluctuating.
I have my routine appointment tomorrow with my DBT worker. I believe it may not go as normal as other DBT sessions. And it may end in a risk assessment.

We'll see.
RB ♥

Sorry you are having such a rough time.
Hang in there one more day and talk it over with the doctor.

Yup! "We'll see". Try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Whether the session goes normally or not, don't worry about that. Just take it one step at a time to get through this, ok RB? I'm sorry to hear they are intensifying for you, but hopeful in the fluctuation -- in the more positive direction -- your brain is trying to remind you that things can get better. If remembering this can help you through one moment to the next, that's good, but above all, stay safe. Is there someone who can be with you?? Make sure you are not alone. Our brains are not exactly trusty companions at such times, you know? Please keep someone right with you at all times. You have the crisis team number if it gets too intense, please do not hesitate to avail yourself of their help either. If making a call seems too daunting, your companion can call.

Whatever you do, don't go lone wolf. People want to help you, please allow them to do so, ok?

Much much You are so much in my thoughts..... Please please please stay safe, RB.

Hey RB, I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I've felt the way you're feeling before. It's been 2 years since I've attempted suicide though. I've learned to follow the safety plan I came up with on my next to last hospital visit.

I tell my husband when I'm thinking of hurting myself, then he hides all my pills and puts the guns in the gun safe. This eliminates to two "easy" ways to go. And telling my husband has a theraputic effect. I also tell my therapist when I see here whether I'm still having the thoughts or not.

Talking it out with other people, whether loved ones or professionals, seems to help me, and maybe you, to work through the suicidal thoughts. I hope your DBT session will result in a positive change in your outlook. Good luck and my prayers will be with you.

I have to repeat the words of everyone else. Contact the crisis team, or your doctor and follow their recommendations. It's possible you can get a day pass to be out on your birthday and in any case you need to be alive to celebrate a birthday. Please get the help you need.

The DBT session went perfectly normally.
Not because they weren't concerned about my suicidal thoughts...but because I lied through my teeth.

"Any suicidal urges this week then?"
"No, not at all. Not a single thought of it"
"Any self harm urges?"
"No actually. It's been a really good week".
"Oh wow. That's both excellent and surprising because of the issues you've had in the past. I am so happy to see that neither suicide nor self injury are an option for you anymore!"
"Yeah. It's been a really good week. Obviously I have bad ones. But this one was really good".

In the past I've always been brutally honest about my suicidal thoughts with my workers. This seems very different...as though I don't want to be stopped.

However I am currently persuading myself to call the Crisis team. It's almost 9pm and they're on call until 11pm. But I'd rather leave it until tomorrow. If I DO call...it will be tomorrow. No sooner, no later.

I'll keep checking in.
RB ♥

Hi RB - I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I saw your post last night and didn't have anything else to add, so I was silently sending hugs. But I've been watching for your post today. I was growing concerned when you hadn't posted all day. I'm glad you're still okay. I'm not going to be silent anymore though.

It sounds like now, more than ever, you need to be in the hospital. You're at a very dangerous point right now. You don't want to be stopped, you've written your notes...now is the time to listen to that small shred of self-preservation that is trying to whisper over the roar of self-destruction. Please, call the crisis line. It's still before 11 there as far as I can tell. If you're not able to call them tonight then go to an emergency room. Tell them what you've told us.

You are valued so much here, as I'm sure you are to your friends and family there. I know you're hurting. I've been there too. And it may be a little selfish of me to ask you to hold on, to get some immediate help, and continue in a life that hurts. But it won't hurt forever. You can be here for your birthday and for many more after this. But you need to tell people there who can help you.

Please. Call someone. NOW.

Please stay safe

You are needed and loved !!!!

Hey! New avatar! Fun! I like it.

Persuade persuade persuade! Call the crisis team, yes. Please.
I can't stress enough how much I want to see you pull through this.
Sending tons of good thoughts your way, RB
Thank you so much for checking in and to keep checking in.

Update

You all helped to persuade me to contact the crisis team...and so last night I sent the text explaining what had been happening. Mr M. (privacy/confidentiality) text back and we were texting for about two hours, at some times trying to persuade me to agree to hospitalization. However a phone call helped us come to an agreement that a medication review should be tried first. We discussed how I was going to keep myself safe over the weekend and I got the Sunday hours number given to me. We haven't spoken since that (last night).

However. Today I found myself wandering to the top floor of a building and having a look around...in the rain, by myself, getting soaked. I walked off from my friends to do this. Now. Herein lies the problem, I am right now in my logical frame of mind and therefore think hospitalization may indeed be necessary. But the issue is, last time I was admitted to a hospital of which I found TERRIBLE. I was bullied; it felt claustrophobic, and I also encountered bullying from some of the staff once they discovered my sexuality. I was transferred EVENTUALLY to a better hospital. But I am NOT going to that one again. I'd be willing to go voluntarily ONLY if they allowed me to go to a hospital other than that one. It was seriously horrible and I get reduced to tears thinking about it - it's definitely no place to recover OR make me feel safe.

Question is, if I agree to go willingly on the condition that I stay safe until they find a place at a hospital other than the one I experienced in a much, much more negative than positive way, and tell them all about that one hospital...would they agree?

RB ♥

RB,
I think if you explain to them just how you have here they would get you into a better faculity ... noone likes to be in the hospital but sometimes its needed .. so please no more wandering around the roof in the rain .. Im so glad you realize you may need to be inpatient ... I know for me here the longest time i was in was 5 days ( that was my choice) the other 2 times it was 3 days .. I look at it like this anyone can do anything for a week ...((((((( HUGS ))))))))

Stay safe you are so loved you probably have no idea how much

I agree...let them know that the other facility actually made things worse. I'm not sure of the laws there, but I don't think they can section you if you contract for safety and are just waiting for an appropriate bed to become available. It's far better to go in this sort of controlled manner than to do something rash and be forced to go somewhere you don't want to be. But I would get that going soon, before you get any more inclinations to walk around rooftops.

Oh, RB, THANK GOD you called them. I cannot tell you what a relief that is.

I do think they'd be agreeable. Your safety is concern #1, and they know that. Their working with you accomplishes that. Win-win. So yes, I do think they will be agreeable.

I'm guessing from what you wrote that the agreement to stay safe was to be with your friends, right? It worries me that they let you wander off. Very much. Do they understand how this works? What they need to do? For starters, not letting you wander off! Can you explain to them? (If not, get 'em on here and I'LL explain it to them!) Friends plural, yes? Are they distracting each other? If so, perhaps they could take turns with focused diligence? I don't know if that's a stupid idea, just trying to come up with something, because you need them to be up to the task and understand how extremely important this is.

I'm so glad you wrote. I turned on the computer as soon as (yes, literally) I got home to check if you had written. So know you are very much in mind. Please keep us posted. And please please please stay safe! Much to you, RB!

Thanks for all the support. It really does push you to get help...and I believe forums like this with the supportive people found frequenting it can save lives. Tomorrow I will be making that call, telling them the full story of today (I missed out details on here in fear of triggers and giving others ideas), and saying I do actually agree to go to inpatient with the one request that I don't get sent back to Alpha (the hospital I experienced so much grief in).

Innerzone, I haven't told any of my friends about it. They have no idea what's going through my head. I'm always known as the guy with a lot of issues but manages to keep a happy face and make others laugh on a daily basis...and I try to stick to that. Plus I don't want any of them worrying about me and I don't want to make them upset.

A big hug and thank you to everybody that has replied and given hugs and thanks, as well as those who have given me a personal message. It really does go a long way.

I'll keep you all updated as I know what's happening.

RB ♥

Is Maverick among the friends you are with? I remember you saying how very helpful and caring he is. Omg, can I ever relate to the putting on a happy face and making others laugh despite it all. AND the not wanting to upset people. So I totally know what you're saying. BUT. Here's the thing. Trust me. When things are serious, they WANT TO KNOW! How many times have loved ones fervently wished that their loved one had said something? You know? Wouldn't you want to know if they were having serious trouble? Of course you would! And you would not consider it a burden would you? How often we think people would, don't we? But this is a distortion depression tries to make seem like truth. It isn't so. They love you far more than you might feel right now. As do we.

And truly. It is an honor to be able to help you in any way possible. It is giving meaning to my life, at a time when, well, frankly there isn't much.

And yes, please do tell them the whole story. You should tell them about your experience at Alpha too, so they understand that it is help you want. And that you want to work together to get through this. You are very mature and well-spoken for your age and I'm sure they can respect this.

Maverick. Uhm. That didn't end well. Turns out he used me for sex, and in the end he began making jokes about my bipolar and being a generally unpleasant person. I haven't spoken to him for a while now. What happened is, we had a thing, and then two days later he was in a relationship with another one of my friends, and then he cheated on that friend.

However. Thanks a lot for the rest of what you said. I've sent a very, very long text to the crisis team so what happens tomorrow when they go back on call (about 9am) I don't know. IF I'm allowed out of the house to see my friends I will tell them. Thank you (:

RB ♥

In the process of telling my friends what has been going on.
It's really making me tear up.
This is so difficult. It's much easier keeping it secret and sticking to the plan of doing it. :'(

RB ♥