I'm at an ice-rink

The ice is thin, melting, cracking in every direction... Trying to make it to the other side without falling thru...

You can do it!

Maybe you're right, and I am trying, but part of me doesn't even feel like bothering... Maybe I should just let the ice envelope me.

Don't give up, Trippin. You will get to the other side.

Thanks, I kinda know that... But won't it just be easier not to? I would end up blissfully insane and unaware of how ****** my existance is, or I'd be dead. Either way it spells F.R.E.E.D.O.M... I'm not suicidal, so please, nobody worry, I'm just tired of fighting, but it's my nature, and how do you even go against your own nature. Every year is shittier than the last, I'm fed-up. Fed-up with being here, fed-up of circumstances not changing regardless of my efforts. Fed-up with hoping that somehow my life will be good, fed-up with family and so called friends telling me to pray. Pray? So I can be dissapointed and hear 'no' repeatedly like I have been? These very people who believe prayer is the answer, that God is a god of prosperity and abundance, none of them know true suffering, none of them know poverty, none of them know the shame guilt and anger that eats at you bcoz you are unable to provide for your child. They say I mustn't worry about this life, I must work toward a heavenly afterlife. THAT MAKES NO FKN SENSE! In THIS life, I have bills to pay a child to feed and clothe. In THIS life, I have emotional and mental torment. In THIS life I have wants and needs. In the afterlife I'm dead... Praying is idiotic, I need to find something that actually works. I went from being an independant, self-sufficient women, and even breadwinner after my dad died to leech in a blink of an eye. That alone is fkn traumatic. I'm wracking my brain, doing everything I can think of to improve this ****** situation, zero results. Guys... I'm tired, I'm exhausted

Trippin! I hear you!

I know it's so exhausting. It's so hard to deal with people who have no idea what they are talking about. I know exactly how you feel like this whole life people tell you that you can be anything you want to be. You can grow up and be special. Be somebody. But most of us are just peasants. Not everyone can be queen.

I know from your posts you're a good person! Life is struggle and you're right, you can't just pray and things magically turn better. That's not how it works. You can't let those people get to you. They are clueless to problems if they have none.

You can do it, Trippin. I know I don't want to get up every day, at all any more. I am running on fumes. If it was all me, I'd fall over and give up. I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for my kids. And maybe one day I can wake up and do it for me, too. But for now, I do it for them. I know you're a good mom. Ignore the fools, rant and get the poison out.

I just D0N'T KN0W what to do anymore dhx. I'm sending resumes, not just in response to ads, I pass them along to old co-workers, friends, family, neighbours. I've thought of alternate ways of getting an income, none of which is viable. If I had internet access, I'd join a gay dating website and marry a well-off gay man that won't or can't come out and is looking to marry a woman. (but we'd be friends 1st of cors) BUUUT, I can't even go find this man! Maybe I could even sell my body to science, but who do I call? Atleast you understand...

OK. I think I'm fine now. 2days of madness was more than enough, time to put on my big-girl panties.
Thanks for the support

Trippen, have you thought about going to school/college to further your education and make you more marketable career wise? I'm not saying you aren't marketable now, just throwing out ideas...I went back to college (online) and working on a Masters. It's not stressful, it's paid for by school loans (you should be income eligible since you aren't working), and you might even have a little extra money left in your pocket from your student loans....I'm working and I qualified for loans. Even though the Masters program is more expensive than undergrad studies, I still had a nice chunk of change left in my pocket AFTER paying school fees.

Going back to school gives you a career not a job. Maybe try trade school...But, it depends on what you want. I enjoy school. Even though I work and things can be hectic, I really like it...

If you aren't happy with the things you are doing, you keep running into a brick wall, maybe try another option. At this point, I'm not too optimistic about applying for jobs. It's tough out there....If you're looking for a job now, your best bet is to network and get your foot in the door by who you know. That is really what it is all based on. I had to learn that. It's all about who you know. I am more than positive that there are probably several people applying for these same jobs you are applying for. Every time I get down about finances I realize that it's tough for a lot of people out there...Good luck...

Big-girl panties might stop your bum getting wet! Please know there are others skating right next to you.

Well, it's not your fault, Trippin. You're doing the best you can. Not your fault this economy is aweful for jobs. I also went back to vocational school and that's why I don't work in retail any more. Otherwise, I wasn't marketable, either. Or, I know here when a job gets posted, we get like 75 resumes for one slot...

Dont' give up, though.

The only thing I know about to sell yourself to science that's worth any money is egg harvesting... but they do a full medical and psychological exam on you first. I thought about doing it once... haha...

going to school seems like a good idea, I've given it much thought and research, and turns out it's not do-able. The only college I could go to, doesn't offer student loans, and bursaries don't cover transport, and transport = hundreds of rands per month, it's ridiculous. My BIL is already putting my brother and niece thru college, I wouldn't dare ask him to cover my transport costs... So i need a job to go study... And even if I get a weekend job, it won't cover transport.

Was talking to my mom, and by the way I broke down crying, I guess I'm not as over it as I thought. Maybe I should just pull an ostrich. Thinking, venting and strategizing just leads to tears. All the odds are stacked against me... I'm only able to even post coz my niece topped up my cellphone to call this guy, and I converted a tiny portion of it to data. I'm hoping to get his number later from a friend coz he might be able to get me into a learnership. A learnership is like an internship, but atleast it will pay for travelling and MIGHT lead to a job. I don't even know in which field it is, will find out more later.

I understand where you are coming from. I went from one day being PTA mom of two with a successful and bountiful carreer a loving adoring husband to bam, nothing all alone in an instant because of a manic episode. I gave up on God for awhile, hell I blamed him for awhile, but then when there was nothing left in me I through my hands in the air and hit my knees sobbing because I just had nothing left to give. He heard me that time. I am now back in my home with my ex husband and children. I didnt get my career back but honestly I couldnt do it even if I tried so I am on disability. Trust me I know low. I was at the bottom of the barrell. I really really was. It brings tears to my eyes to remember how very down with nothing. I had nothing but a few outfits and a couple bucks. I was homeless, landed in jail for a dui lost my vehicle lost my home to foreclosure, lost my kids to my husband, lost my friends due to what I did to my husband their friend. All because of a freaking manic episode. I have these all the time. Im so scared it could all fall apart again tomorrow but I do pray. I do talk to God and I believe he is helping me. Im so sorry to hear you say you have lost your faith because I know what thats like. Its very lonely and sad. i hope you find it again. You are an amazing mother and person just remember that. You have a loving intellegent daughter who thinks the world of you, that is something great. Dont give up. We have horrible days but it gets better. We always make it through. Im now having good days again. For now anyways. Just keep your head up.

Thanks M, losing my faith is lonely and sad, but having it didn't make any sense. Not logically or emotionally, and I'd rather have sense at this point. Like you say, I gotta keep my head up, that's what I'm working on today

I am pulling for you. I hope you get that learnership. Often who you know matters more than what your know: networking. I know that I would not be able to get a permanent position at my work without working casual, which is what I am doing right now.

Trippin good job!!! You are always able to turn this around. At least your perspective, you have that strength and that's a gift. I don't know but sometimes I feel like the more I believe good things will happen, like really believe and know it... Well then they do. Obviously that isn't always the case, but I think it helps.

I hope you get that learnership! Something has to give for you one way or the other, and I believe it will. It's the when that drives us crazy. It's not an easy life when we've been dealt the hand with no aces or other winning cards off the bat. But you know, I think our struggles build a lot of our character. However I hope your struggles are over soon. You've struggled enough. And come on really, do you need any more character?? You got character coming out the wazoo!!!

I just know that when things do turn around for you ( which WILL happen ) you will make the most and best of it. I'll keep sending you my prayers, and keeping you in my thoughts. I want the world to glisten for you.

Thanks Anika

Jordan in her usual clumsy manner spilt red cool aide this morning. The edges of a few of the pages of a book I BORROWED from a friend is RED. I've been close to tears for hours now. The fact that my brother won't be here today makes me want to cry, even tho I didn't want to get out of bed. The fact that he's going to my sister for the day and I CAN'T go with makes me feel even WORSE! I hate feeling so flakey!!! But EVERYTHING BRINGS ME TO TEARS. This is stupid!

Ok, I managed to wangle my way to my sister's house. The day is looking up!

Good for you. May it continue to improve even more.