I can't adjust

My bipolar onset was when I was nine. I have had heavy mixed cycling since with random, pure hypo and heavy depression episodes.

That's gone now. It's gone and I feel empty. I thought that this was supposed to be good, that I was supposed to feel good now. That there was supposed to be some glorious moment to where I was well and everything was supposed to fall into place and I was supposed to be happy!!???

But it's not. Nothing is right and I am miserable. I have explored the idea that something more is wrong, that maybe there is another underlying condition like Borderline Personality Disorder or ADD... But in the end this is what we came up with... adjustment issues.

Is this what normal life really is???!!! What is the point then?

I feel desperate. My anxiety is through the roof all the time. My irritability is bad too. I just want Pdoc to overmedicate me. I want nothing more than to be overmedicated to the point that I don't have to feel this way anymore.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone gone through this? Does it get better?

I can relate. The few times I have felt stable its odd very odd. We get used doing aerobatics all the time so flying straight and level is a new idea and an odd feeling. I often dont even know how to act properly. So your not alone. Im not stable by any stretch but the few times I do fit in the stable category I agree its like is this it? I hope that makes sense. I know it is a just getting used to it thing so give it a try for a while and see how you feel after a while.

Ok. I'll try to take a stab but all it is is my opinion.

You say your anxiety and irratablility is through the roof. So, I'd say that's not quite " stable " for lack of better word. Not that you are not. So there are ways to deal with those two things outside of overmedicating yourself. Because overmedicating is dangerous and will not bring content or happiness. I completely do understand the desire to be numb from it all tho. But it's a temporary solution.

What else in your life could be lacking that might be contributing to this empty feeling? Purpose, plans, goals, connectedness, sociability, spirituality, those are just a few things off the top of my head. Of coarse I don't know the answers for you. But I do think in these days we really neglect nourishing our whole selves. We are busy, many other demands and we just don't even have time to think about this stuff. Or at least it's how it seems. I do think when we feel like an empty vessle it is usually because we are because we are trying to fill a hole with stuff that doesnt fit. So the hole never gets filled. I think this is where true happiness and feeling content and nourished, healthy lies.

Anyways you may agree or not, just another avenue to explore. I wish you well.

I think Anika brought up some very useful info as always ..

Im Bipolar I and I rapid cycle daily and I deal with Chronic pain 24/7 am I happy about that ? Nope .. Since Medications haven't " fixed" my problems (lol) yet.

I have really been looking at my life and pretty much doing an inventory of things I CAN change and things I have NO control over.. Its been very painful at times but also has helped me to realize whether I am Bipolar or not there are simply things that are way beyond my control BUT for the majority of things they are within me to change my perception and/or responses to them .

I have decent days and down right lousy days The decent days Im learning to just enjoy and the lousy days I just think "ok not a great day, hopefully tomorrow will be better"

This way of thought is new to me .. But there are some very wise and insightful people here that I have learned so much from and I have decided to use some of there way of coping and also learn to exist with Bipolar and stop beating myself up and wishing Bipolar would go away ..

Bipolar is like anyother disease.. Asthma, diabetes, heart conditions .. they all require some kind of medicationand /or making life changes ie: diet and exercise changes etc and Im pretty certain anyone with this disorders wish there disease would go away.

I wish you luck in finding some peace and acceptance

Also I just wanted to add that we are kind of taught that happiness should just happen.. On it's own. But I think there is an art or science to happiness. It's something we have to "grow" or nourish. Not just those moments of spontaneous happiness, those do happen but don't last. The lasting happiness is a product sort of... Of what we put in. Kind of like cooking, the ingredients will either make a fabulous tasting meal or a few wrong ingredients can ruin the entire outcome. But it's all a practice, we are all just practing and we learn as we go along what works and what doesn't.

If something you are trying isn't working and you still feel unhappy or not content. Time to switch up the ingredients. We cling to things we know wether the work for us or not. It's human nature to stick with what is familiar. It feels scary to let go of old ways even if they are not helping. New territory feels scary yet it can also be exactly what we need.

Sorry. I hope that makes sense. I kind I get rambling. There are some really good books on happiness out there too. http://www.amazon.ca/happiness-Books...ppiness&page=1

I haven't read any of these, but maybe take a look through them and the reviews and see if you think any would be helpful to you. Some look pretty good and have some rave reviews. Happiness is something I think that can mystify us all and we all crave it.

I do put effort into not using my condition as an excuse. Every day I try.. to my own detrimite I try.... and I even overlook what should be obvious cuz I want it so bad. So I go from everything is fine, to making everything fine, and end up everything is wrong. I'm done. Thank you for your advice, but I'm done. I can't go one more day like this. I have 4:30 phone interview with pdoc to address this. I hope it's eventful cuz I'm not having another day like this. It's not all in my head either, I can't change it.

I can completely empathize with what you are going through. Do you have a strong support system and have you discussed this with your psychiatrist and therapist. Don't give up hope..I know that's easy to say and i'm still struggling with it..But I'm here if you ever need to chat on here.

I hope you didn't take what I said as that you are using illness as an excuse. That is he farthest thing from what I was thinking. I was just trying to throw some ideas around. Some stuff that has greatly helped me.

I do understand how awful it can be, I really do, been there so many times myself. And no it is NOT in your head. I really hope your appoint goes well and that something will be able to help. Keep holding on, I know it seems hopeless but something can give way, things can improve. Let us know how your app goes. I'll keep you in my thoughts and be hoping something can turn this around for you! I just do not want anyone to suffer so much.

Im not saying any of this is your fault ... Sometimes a tweek in medications can help enormously. I hope that your Pdoc can help you. I know how it feels to be so burdened with all this Bipolar mess that you feel smothered by it .

Please Hang in there and Be kind to yourself.

I know Anika.. I've been gone a while but I do remember you from months ago. I know you didn't mean anything negative. My phone call did go ok. I told pdoc something for a change. I think he was frustrated with me for doing that but idc. He told me that GAD was very probable and for now he called in a prescription for 'immediate relief' of anxiety. I'll have enough to last until our next appointment, and then he was talking about switching over to a long term med for it. I forget the name he used.

He told me that the immediate relief pills are just enough to take the edge off, that I would really have to push through. Ugh. I'm happy cuz anything is better than nothing though. three weeks is our next appointment.

I really appreciate you all on these boards.

I know that no one meant anything negative. Sorry if I over reacted, i'm really good at that.

my guess is that this is where talk therapy or CBT would really come in useful. Since you were diagnosed at 9, you (like many of us who are not bipolar) might wonder where the illness stops and regular life begins.

All of us have trouble and can feel the way you feel about life. I think is about developing coping skills and new thought processes to replace old unhealthy (or involuntary ones). Now that your medications are helping to stablize your moods, CBT and talk therapy can help you learn new methods of how to cope.

Unfortunatley, life is a little boring for the rest of us I think honestly this is all kind of normal. What you are going to be free to do now is make more free willed choices in your life ....free from so much emotion. I think, I think that is the goal of stability.

We all have ups and downs all day, I think stability is the ability to make rational decisions despite how you might feel, and being able to get through and deal with consequences either way.

I could just see this all being really confusing if you were diagnosed as a child. The way you 'feel' could be more normal than you think. It's all in how you learn to behave, I believe and I think therapy can help you sort it out.

Behaviors eventually become beliefs, and affect your feelings. It's all related. We have more control over the behavior part and if your stable it's probably a great time for therapy.

I know i'm not bipolar and maybe not welcome. But I am a regular person who has struggled with depression and a dysfunctional family.

I think we are all more similiar than we think, at least we can relate to the feelings.

Hey Dan- Can you remember back to when you started Abilify, did it make things better or worse? Many do great with that drug I assume, but I had a bad experience with it and was so agitated like you sound. It also concerns me how many tv commercials there are for it, like drug companies are really pushing it... ok sorry I'm getting all conspiracy theory now

You don't have to be bipolar to be welcome around here! Your insight in living with a bp is ofter helpful. Stick around, please.

thank you I'm learning a lot here too.

It did make things better. I got put on anti anxiety Meds since I last posted! They are helping tremendously. They are the take as needed kind, but in three weeks I will go on zoloft if they keep helping. My only fear is that my pdoc wants me to see psychologist to work out inner turmoil and see what else is going on and I don't want to hear anything else is wrong. And just to clear it up... I was diagnosed this year with a good family history and we were able to look back and be certain of the age of my onset.

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Glad the meds are good for you. I hope it goes well with the psych. I've had really good experience with therapy. I think it's good for anyone to go, always more to learn. Keep us posted.

So glad the meds ate helping with the anxiety. Hopefully that will just continue to get better. Going to a psychologist can be scary, yup it can. It can also be really good as it gives you the opportunity to learn a little more about yourself. Try not to worry to much about the appointment or what will come up. I know that's easier said then done. Just try to focus on the fact that you are taking steps towards your wellness.

Don't worry about if you felt a bit tense earlier! That happens to all of us! But I am glad that your feeling a bit better that's what matters. I hope the psychologist you get to see is a good fit for you!