[Victoria'smom]

I need help trying to figure out why I'm so non-compliant with medication and how I can stop having a daily battle. I need medication to keep me out of the hospital, thanks to my crises plan. I get a LOT of say over my medication but I will not get a say if I am hospitalized. I'm currently on just lamictal because pdoc is trying his best to at least get me to comply with that. I admit that lamictal does help better than any other medication but I don't like that it helps . I've been on every other mood stabilizer except lithium. I know my son won't be able to stay with us without me complying because it's not healthy for him. Why can't I just be an adult and be fine with the 30 sec. once a day it takes to swallow a pill that makes me a better person? How come after 7 years I still can't convince myself medication is necessary for me to survive? Maybe, I just don't want to survive? If I can't figure it out how am I going to convince my son to try medication again?

Help!!! I need to figure out how to live with medication. I don't want to struggle with it on a daily bases for the next 50+ years.... any thoughts are appreciated

[venusss]

I would make a list of reasons for your "Non-compliance" and try to adress them, one by one, as there is not universal answer.

Also... I don't think pill makes you a "better person". Maybe it's not even helpful to think of it as that. It does make you FEEL better... but you are who you are.

[sugahorse1]

I agree - are you non-compliant because you forget, or just don't want to take them?
I've just gone through a phase where I didn't want to take my meds because it gave me a sense of control over something. I think that was the reason anyway.

You can set yourself rewards. Ultimately, you just have to be honest with yourself and picture the worst case scenario if you aren't compliant. Maybe that'll scare you away

[BuggsBunny]

For me, it took about a year for me to stop threatening to throw my meds away. Then, I gave a promise to my T, who was a mother to me at the time, that over summer break, I would not throw my pills away. It was more important to me to give this gift to my T/Mom than to continue to rebel against having to take the one or two pills every day. Once I got into the mind set that I was doing this for her, and into the habit of taking them, it became a non-issue.

Rewards are good. Set yourself up for something you really want, but otherwise wouldn't be able to get. It takes about three weeks to turns any behavior into a habit. Find something worth the struggle. Check mark yourself on a calendar every day you comply. When you earn your prize, celebrate it!

For me, when I was attending school but hated it, this was a concert I could not afford. I gave myself a dollar for each day I attended classes. I had to earn the concert, the gas money, the extra money for the other things I knew I would want (an album, if the concert songs were good, etc.) and by the time I was done earning all that, I was firmly in the habit of attending the class I hated, along with all my regular classes.

Also, my college roommate put it to me this way: She had to take meds every day for her asthma. I had to take mine for my depression. We were both doing the same thing. If I was asthmatic, would I be denying myself the meds that let me breathe? So why deny myself the meds that let me function normally?

[Confusedinomicon]

I make it a daily habit so I do it everyday around the same time.

I also had to accept BP and come to terms with treatment. I also needed to learn to accept the stability I got from medication. You essentially are a different person when you're not having moodswings. Going over those insecurities with someone you trust can help the transition into med adherence.

[Miss Laura]

I am also a non-complier. I stop taking my meds cause I want the control thing. I don't want it to control me, I want to control me. At the moment I have stopped taking my morning meds. I am functioning fine. I still take my evening ones even though they don't help with my sleep. But I still take them.

[ChristySpirals]

Maybe you haven't fully accepted that you have bp?? Maybe your mind is toying with the idea that you could go off on a gooder and not feel the stress of your daily life? Like maybe the meds make it too real for you? Just a thought

[Confusedinomicon]

Personally I think I have more control on medication. It means I cant blame anything on the illness unless the medication has stopped working. I think you have to have an idea of what you want from medication. Once your able to achieve this you have to see someone and talk to the them about the changes and understand why you feel different. Its different, new and forign and its easier to fall back to what you are familiar with. Stability is boring imo.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe it's bcoz your motivation for meds are negative reflections on you, and you subconciously reject those motives, and thus meds. I myself would loathe to think meds make me a better person. Maybe not even actively, but it would be there in my mind, somewhere. Use motivation, that doesn't reflect negatively on your sense of self. Eg. Meds are part of my maintainence toolkit. Meds assist me to achieve a higher quality of life... Idk, just a thought. Alternatively you could visually remind yourself of your MH goals, and add that meds are part of the equation to achieve them. Eg. Regular sleep schedule + medz = stability. Idk if I'm making much sense, über tired, bedtime for me. Goodluck tho!

[gatorgirl1980]

I appreciate this thread. I was just talking to my boyfriend a few hours ago by phone about his meds and how he needs to take them.

He has been prescribed several drugs for bipolar over the past couple of years. He went from a huge cocktail of drugs to just lithium. He switched over to the wellbutrin he's been prescribed and dropped the lithium. Today he said he hasn't taken anything. When I asked him why, he said he just needed a break today .

For him, I think it is about control and about trying to prove to family members that as a former addict, that he's "off drugs." His daughter and sister (who have their own issues) have told him that even though he is no longer hooked on street drugs, he's still reliant on drugs.

I can tell a big difference when he's off everything. He thinks of his bipolar in terms of manic-depressive swings. However, from the outside, I see evidence of his bipolar tendencies through his moods throughout the day. He lets little things bother him. He's becomes agitated easily and nitpicks at everything. He gets in a "mood," and if I don't respond or react the way he thinks that I should, he becomes outraged and verbally abusive.

I can't stay with him if he's not on something to control his anger. Thank you for helping me see that taking meds is something other people struggle with.

[Victoria'smom]

Thank-you all, I think I answered everyone, if I didn't I'm sorry. You really have helped me flesh out the why's and gave me some tings to try but I still have some questions. Sorry it's long.

It's mostly "just don't want to take them" but I have MAJOR control issues so that may be part of it too.

Maybe that'll scare you My Pdoc already threatened to put me on a non-weight nutral medication if I stop this one, way to use one disorder against another. Scaring me will only last so long.

Rewards: Small reward: Maybe taking meds = a soda
Large reward: Amusement park day

would I be denying myself the meds that let me breathe? : I'd quite likely have med non compliance to that to because longer then one pill becomes an issue for me.

Maybe you haven't fully accepted that you have bp?: The professionals can't even seem to agree. I'm much more comfortable with dx. of bp than other suggestions and really would like to just stop jumping DX.'s. This is the 4th time I've been dx. As bipolar but it seems to get more severe case each time they dx.

Stability: Now, I'm pretty sure I haven't been completely stable for months but whatever "this" is I don't like it. When I was stable it felt weird and so wrong. At the same time it was right, nice and so boring. I also think I'm scared to loose my ED.

Trippin2.0: What are positive motivations to take meds.? I do loathe meds making me a better person. What is a MH plan, I don't know if I have one?

gatorgirl1980: Most of my family has no idea. I know I'm not the most upbeat and friendly as I am with meds but it is really hard and tiring. I hope your boyfriend finds reason to comply even if it's to keep his sobriety.

[Trippin2.0]

Our common MH goal is stability, quality of life. How we differ is in how we attempt to achieve it. So you could remind yourself that meds are a part of your 'game plan'. A positive motivation would be something that doesn't reflect negatively on you as a person. Eg, instead of meds make me a better person, you say to yourself meds help improve my quality of life, and I DESERVE the best life I can provide for myself. Meds are merely tools in a bp maintainence kit. Once you see them like that, instead of a life sentence, your attitude toward them may change... I understand your issues tho, I felt like I was handing over the reigns to meds, and I MUST be in control. Also, meds decreased my emotional range, so what pdocs called stable, I called BS. I don't know any other way to be, this is me, bp and all, and while nobody is endangered by me, I will NOT be medicated. But that's just me... Let me know if I was clear enough, I'm happy to help.

[Confusedinomicon]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Stability: Now, I'm pretty sure I haven't been completely stable for months but whatever "this" is I don't like it. When I was stable it felt weird and so wrong. At the same time it was right, nice and so boring. I also think I'm scared to loose my ED.

Stability is what you make of it and can be found in different forms. Trippin's post was so beautiful.

Stability is going to feel wrong because you're not experiencing things in the same way.

I honestly wish I could go without medication, but I can't afford to be non-functional. I was used to being defensive, triggered easily and emotional. I was used to getting mad and having my whole day ruined. I was used to using self-harm as a means to release tension and have violent abstract hallucinations. For the longest time I wondered why I was so pessimistic but I could never understand why. I was med non-compliant and lived in my pdocs office, often wailling about some minute detail in life. For me, I didn't have the tools to change my life perspective, so I repeated this cycle over and over.

Then I finally realized something important. If I really had control over my symptoms I wouldn't be in this position. If I really had a control over myself, I wouldn't see the doctor so frequently. It was like something clicked. Then I spent the next 2-3 weeks crying on/off because I hated what stability did. (I'm hoping to pick up meditation, and with enough practice be able to be med free but we'll see) I hated that I lost the intense spiritual experience and connectivity to God that I once had. I hated that I would sometimes struggle to empathize and I hated that I had to do this or I would lose my SO because he was tired of having anger directed at him...but they were trade offs.

So, I gave it a shot. I persisted in taking medication and ended up learning a lot from PC about the struggles of BP (started 2011, but didn't see changes until 2012). I was able to connect with people on here and see the different parts of acceptance we're all at. PC also helped me deal with some emotional scarring and move on. It also showed me that there is never a time that you can't be learning something about yourself. Most of all, I wanted to emulate some of the users who'd already allowed this thing called stability take over their lives.

Stability isn't always there for me, but I've finally got control over most of my "bad habits" so even when I'm having problems with medication I'm able to use the tools I've learned to get myself help and stabilize myself. I think it is a learning process, but you have to be willing to be uncomfortable before it becomes comfortable. Even if you're not taking medication you still have to learn coping mechanisms that allow you to function despite the adversaries you're facing. There is no set path, it's one you have to forge yourself. It only happens when YOU want it, much like all other change in life.

Honestly, it's a choice you have to make. It's like a scar that you keep picking. Until you decide to put some kind of antibacterial (no infections please) on it and give it time it won't heal. Thus, you need tools + willpower.

[venusss]

I do loathe meds making me a better person.

Again... meds do not make you a better person... if it was so, we could medicate everybody and world would be a nice place.....

They do take the edge off, so you do not burn energy on merely trying to control your feelings and whatnot... and can live.

Think of it was painkillers... you have deadline and your head hurts like hell. Chances are, by taking aspirin, you will be more productive than if you struggle with headache... does it mean your aspirin is responsible for the work you did?

Physical and emotional pain can make us... more tolerant of little things, grumpy... whatever. But that doesn't mean that we are "bad person" and that with our pain subdued... we are "good". We are just merely us, in better shape.

So if you found something that makes you stable and you are not in emotional pain all the time... then... it's YOU who is the "good" person.

(if by good person you mean too meek for yourself... that is another story, but that is not what you mean, I am pretty sure).

[BlueInanna]

Everyone offers really good advice. I really agree with what Venus just said about taking an aspirin, etc. Meds are supposed to be something to bring you relief, enough relief so you want to take them. I did not like lamictal personally, I felt like a zombie, I was unproductive. I even stopped going to the doctor for 6 months after I tried that one. Can you keep trying some different ones until you find one you like? I'm currently taking the lithium and welbutrin because I like how they make me feel. I can't really explain it, they don't make everything feel all happy and sparkly, but I feel better and feel like the mania/hypomania whatever it is, is not going to return. I wouldn't be taking them if I didn't like the feeling. So I guess I think I'm in control.

[Victoria'smom]

VenusHalley: thank-you
Confusedinomicon: I suck at accepting change

Can you keep trying some different ones until you find one you like? I really like lamictal I'm just dumb. I have tried all of the mood stabilizers except lithium and that is a no go because of weight gain.I wish I could go back on celexia but I can't (I was completely adherent w/ that combo). I refuse anti-psychotics due to weight gain and can't take anti-depressants w/o an anti-psychotics. I see my pdoc in Aug. and if I get the nerve to ask what we can do with depression.

[Victoria'smom]

VenusHalley: thank-you
Confusedinomicon: I suck at accepting change

Can you keep trying some different ones until you find one you like? I really like lamictal I'm just dumb. I have tried all of the mood stabilizers except lithium and that is a no go because of weight gain.I wish I could go back on celexia but I can't (I was completely adherent w/ that combo). I refuse anti-psychotics due to weight gain and can't take anti-depressants w/o an anti-psychotics. I see my pdoc in Aug. and if I get the nerve to ask what we can do with depression.

[RobertDark]

Reading this thread has been really interesting. As of last night I convinced myself I needed to get back on meds, but all I ever was on meds was stable and I ended up hating it. I honestly think meds kept me in a bad marriage for longer than I should have been since I never had any other emotion than "meh".

So I am right there with Miguel'smom, I am not a fan of meds.

Now, I don't want to hijack this thread but is it possible to only treat the portions of BP you don't like? In my case I hate the depression but I'll live with everything else. The mood swings, the highs, the normals. I see an NP next week and was set to get back on meds, but this thread just leaves me thinking I don't want that. I still want my moods I just don't want months of depression where I self destruct relationships anymore.

[cocoabeans]

Take meds when you're depressed or nearing it and quit them otherwise, depending on how often you cycle into depression bad enough to need medication, this could be easy. For me, if it were treating depression that gets that bad only, I could potentially take meds every few years and stay med free otherwise.

The only reason I don't is because medication doesn't seem to do anything when you're already depressed.

[Victoria'smom]

My Pdoc explained it this way. If he could lock people in euphoric hypo-mania's he would but because everything comes with a positive and a negative. If you take the high, which is super addictive, then you have to deal with the low or it wouldn't be fair to others. Not that he wont treat the low but kinda like it's a requirement.

I see it like this, look up Spoon theory, on your high's your throwing away as many spoons as possible stealing from other days. Then you crash, you have no spoons to do anything so you have to wait for them to return. Since you borrowed there's no way to return all of the ones you need for a day but meds and therapy can help you return a couple to cope while you wait for the rest. I don't know if I explained it well enough if not I'll try to explain it better.

[RobertDark]

What you said makes perfect sense, you could sub spoons with any number of things, but I get it.

I just don't agree with your pdoc. If you can treat the lows and the person isn't destructive during the highs then I can't think of a valid reason to not do that. I probably think that way since it's what I want and I am selfish that way.

If your Pdoc is using the fair argument I'd just ask what fair is. Is it fair that more people aren't bipolar than are? Is it fair I got to be one of the ones picked to be bipolar? I am not even complaining here about my situation, it is part of who I am. It's not me, but a part of me and I know it probably shapes me to some degree. I'd bet some of the people who love me wouldn't change me if they could. I might not even change me if I actually could, which is why I am not very willing to go on meds. I just think for a doc to determine what is fair isn't... fair.

I'll say I wonder if I'd enjoy the highs as much if I never went as low as I do. I just don't know what to do. I have been dreading meds ever since I last got off them and realized I probably needed them which was 7 or 8 months ago at this point.

Just glad you started this thread, it's really made me think about what I want to do.

[Seaswept]

I'm jealous that you only have to take 1 pill!
I used to take Lamictal only and it was nice, now I take 2 others Lithium and Seroquel and I'd love to get back down to just Lamictal again, it has the least side effects as far as I know.

How about put your pills in a pill dispenser and write your son's name on it with a sharpie, then put it in front of the coffee pot so you will see it first thing in the morning and seeing your sons name maybe will motivate you to take the medicine.

I know it sucks having to take the meds but they do help a lot of us. I used to forget my pills, probably partly because I just didn't want to take them. Using the weekly pill dispenser helps me a lot. I see them I take them then its over with.

[cocoabeans]

Originally Posted by RobertDark

What you said makes perfect sense, you could sub spoons with any number of things, but I get it.

I just don't agree with your pdoc. If you can treat the lows and the person isn't destructive during the highs then I can't think of a valid reason to not do that. I probably think that way since it's what I want and I am selfish that way.

If your Pdoc is using the fair argument I'd just ask what fair is.

I agree with you.

The fair argument would have had cancelling future appointments with that guy. Life isn't fair. So what of it? Is he going to medicate everyone 'til we're all happy alphas and betas? Swallow that Soma my friend.

Some people are more talented than others, have more than others, get away with more and yup, some people get to be manic. If you're the "normal" kind of manic who says foolish things, enjoys the hell out of life and doesn't harm anyone, why not be that way? It isn't any more selfish than anyone else's existence.

I thought for a second we hijacked the thread then, I realized these issues need to be dealt with before anyone agrees to be "compliant".

[RobertDark]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

I thought for a second we hijacked the thread then, I realized these issues need to be dealt with before anyone agrees to be "compliant".

I think the thread started on compliance but morphed into "To medicate or not, that is the question" thread. I, personally, enjoy this conversation because its something I am very interested in as someone who is currently at war in his mind on whether or not to medicate. I love hearing people who are bipolar's opinion on this since it is very much so the boat I am in.

[Victoria'smom]

Robert I enjoy the change too.

I don't think I explained his position well sorry. He was being understanding about why I wouldn't want a mood stabilizer and just welbutrin. While telling me he refuses to do that or give me welbutrin at all.

Seaswept: I think after this weekend I'll be on a lot more. We use a pill dispenser, to track when or if we miss anything, both my husband and I take meds. He also complains that he's up to 5 and I'm down to 1.