[Passion222]

I was wondering if there's something you've done before or during your DX of BP that you most likely will never be able to change? Mine is everytime I was really sad or angry, I'd go get a tattoo that expressed my "moment". Eleven tats later, and I wish I could laser remove them all without taking out a 2nd mortgage

Cheating on my hubby.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I got married to someone I didn't love. I was totally manic and trying to prove that I wasn't "stupid and lazy and no one would ever marry me" like my dad said...

So yeah. But, at the same time, my oldest son wouldn't exist, and maybe not my other sons either. Because of my ex he led me to the road that led me to my current husband. So all the important people in my life would not be here if I hadn't of done that....

It's one of those mixed issues.

Originally Posted by Passion222

I was wondering if there's something you've done before or during your DX of BP that you most likely will never be able to change? Mine is everytime I was really sad or angry, I'd go get a tattoo that expressed my "moment". Eleven tats later, and I wish I could laser remove them all without taking out a 2nd mortgage

wow this is a tough one 222 !

do I really want to 'implicate' myself in all the things I so freely supported myself doing even though in reasonable states of mind I would not?

...and what then?....is a reasonable state of mind for me?

I wish I didn't have one to question all my unreasonableness

...also got tattoos to say this and that...I guess the one that said "f.ck you mate"....I had to get that one covered up.

all the people I have bean an a-hole around...mistreated and hurt their feelings ....freaked them out!...made them worry...let them down

I regret that...

and it's damn pride and foolishness that I still try to justify all this...

that I regret also

[AuntieD]

i was in a very bad place financially, and it became a spiral. the harder i worked to get out of it, the worse it got. i covered it up bc i felt shameful, instead of asking for small bits of help that would have gone a LONG way.

i finally got my finances in order about a year before i got married, thankfully, and now i (we) actually have decent money in the bank. Probably because he won't let me go off and vacation whenever i want :P

[Anika.]

regret... hmm no.

I have the tat thing too, I got my head stitched on ya.. so I don't loose it. But I don't even regret that tattoo, it serves as good reminder to me of where I have been and where I am going. There is only one I want covered, because it is not a good reminder for me of many things.

I don't know if I really regret anything, I think I have learned a lot from choices I have made, sometimes good things come in wolf's clothing.

I might more regret things I didn't do than things I have done.

I kinda think bipolar can certainly push things along that we choose to do, some part of those choices are still personal. Or we would all choose the same things to do.

[faerie_moon_x]

I regret a lot of things I didn't do. And I know those are all part of bipolar, too. Because I would not do them because of x reason that now when I look back is illogical.... I have always thought I was very logical but now I see I am not.

[Anika.]

Sometimes pure logic is overated, we are a lot more than logic, I was extemely relieved in in group tharapy, when the therapist talked to us about human rights. The right to make decisions not based on logic was one of them .

I have always been told by men in my life that I am not logical, maybe to them I am not, maybe logic isn't my one driving force, maybe I base my choices more on feeling and emotion, and logic last, but maybe that is ok. It's ok with me tho.

[Clinte89]

I only regret hurting all the people I did hurt. I hurt physically and mentally my family, friends and even the girl that won't talk to me even though I still love her I regret hurting her probably the most. I regret not getting help sooner as some of you know it took me several years to even recognize I had a problem. So yeah I regret those things but I also learned alot from those things. So I guess they all had to Happen for me to be where I am now.

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

I regret a lot of things I didn't do. And I know those are all part of bipolar, too. Because I would not do them because of x reason that now when I look back is illogical.... I have always thought I was very logical but now I see I am not.

is imagination logical dark?

or does logic force imagination to contradict itself?

...oops!

I could outline how opposed these two things are despite a peculiar co-existence.

it's freaky hey? and so brilliant you discovered where your energies are most excellent and profound.

logic is .....calculation
ill-logic is ....imagination

both are helpful...thats logical....I just want to be creative nothing else....thats illogical!

...but emotional!...and superb

and when ...."I don't know" ?

....well thats just 'undefined'

and thats ok too...

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

is imagination logical dark?

or does logic force imagination to contradict itself?

...oops!

I could outline how opposed these two things are despite a peculiar co-existence.

it's freaky hey? and so brilliant you discovered where your energies are most excellent and profound.

logic is .....calculation
ill-logic is ....imagination

both are helpful...thats logical....I just want to be creative nothing else....thats illogical!

...but emotional!...and superb

and when ...."I don't know" ?

....well thats just 'undefined'

and thats ok too...

The thing with imagination is that it does have free reign. My job (or my imaginary job) as a writer is to harness those wild ideas into a form that others can understand. So, it's not logic or illogic or pure imagination. It's the ability of abstract thinking, which is both imagination and logic together. I can create a world out of a single idea. But you must have the power of logic to communicate it to the world. That's where I'm at now. My ability to harness my ideas is faltering.

I tend to be a discordian, so I don't believe that order is the only way, really. Nature and the world is comprised of chaos and our actions are all chaotic. So, it is a bit contradicting that we of chaos create meaning and strive for order. However, you can harness the chaos and make into things that are beautiful if you know how.

If the world were created out of order, all the stars would line up in neat little rows, yes?

[Passion222]

I swear I can literally relate with everyone of you. I've done what each of you regret. I do agree its hard to completely regret a bad marriage because our children and other great people come out of that. I have gotten us into financial distress. Bought 30,000 timeshare with in Grand Cayman cuz I was do drunk that I thought it just sounded good at the time. Bought a new car we couldn't afford but figured a way to and thank God my teenage daughter has it for college. Lots of vacations that were wayyyy beyond our financial means. Of course have multiple lovers through the years but learned how to really love and have had amazing relationships in the past even if I was married. Yes the tattoos are the only thing I hate cuz I have way too many but my daughters tell me they love my tattoos because they're telling the story of my life. My husband hates them. Doesn't believe in tattoos. He's never really made me feel pretty in any way. One tattoo says "passion" (go figure) lol, A butterfly is flying toward the "passion" which is in flowers. I have Mandarin Chinese down my back that sucks cuz I got drunk in Florida and just looks dumb. Says "strength", "lust" and "serenity". I have old Hebrew on my ankle that says "I Am What I Am". I think it says that. Hebrew cuz my name is Rebecca and its Hebrew but I'm really Polish. I have a four leaf clover down yonder area. Honestly meant I needed luck in my love life I have"Dream" on my wrist. And a unicorn head with a rose in its mouth for my mom. Her name was Rosé. Unicorn for me being young when she died She died when I was 19. There's another on right shoulder for my dad when he died with a Scorpio M sign in clouds with a musical note and angel wings. My dad and I had same bday and he sang to me all the time and he's my angel. Did colors in red white and blue cuz he was a military man and love America. I have a flower tramp stamp that has no meaning but like to one last time put 222 somewhere in the tattoo for meaning. So there's my story. Oh yeah and to get free tattoos, I'd have sex with the tattoo artist. This is all before my meds. I can't for the life if me figure out where my brain was!!!!

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

The thing with imagination is that it does have free reign. My job (or my imaginary job) as a writer is to harness those wild ideas into a form that others can understand. So, it's not logic or illogic or pure imagination. It's the ability of abstract thinking, which is both imagination and logic together. I can create a world out of a single idea. But you must have the power of logic to communicate it to the world. That's where I'm at now. My ability to harness my ideas is faltering.

I tend to be a discordian, so I don't believe that order is the only way, really. Nature and the world is comprised of chaos and our actions are all chaotic. So, it is a bit contradicting that we of chaos create meaning and strive for order. However, you can harness the chaos and make into things that are beautiful if you know how.

If the world were created out of order, all the stars would line up in neat little rows, yes?

what an amazing mind you have dark!

I love the introduction of abstract...what a gift

I'm a student to your thinking.

I will tease you with that last bit though.

I expect that the stars already consider themselves in order...

at perfect distances and allignment and illumination...just right.

...so there is immaculate order to the dis-order only I perceive...

in what appears to be a 'scatter'

...and we have the opportunity to engage the abstract....or (the alternative) ....in any way....this is infinite.

just like the true arrangement of the stars

very cool dark

[Passion222]

I'm praying you guys aren't disgusted. I sure am. My past is so mortifying and I always feel like I deserve anything bad that comes to me because I've lived a life of lies.

[Passion222]

I agree Dark!!! Very good thinking. Seriously creative. I've noticed extremely intelligent and creative minds in this forum

[AuntieD]

oh yeah, and the sex. I had to keep a list of my sexual partners, and rarely knew their last names. Sometimes I'd go back to the list and think "Dave?? Who's Dave?!"

When I met my husband (I was in treatment already by then) i threw away the list bc thank God it no longer mattered.

Originally Posted by Passion222

I'm praying you guys aren't disgusted. I sure am. My past is so mortifying and I always feel like I deserve anything bad that comes to me because I've lived a life of lies.

didn't even hear the prayer 222

you are ok by me

...and yet I'm a miserable struggling human?!

just a guy

just a person

faulty

complicated



but worth loving

[zen1]

Not staying in inpatient treatment when I had the chance (let my then-husband convince me it wasn't necessary) and going off my meds during my subsequent divorce.

[Passion222]

Thanks guys for understanding. Phew!!!! I'm saying it all on here but think I'm just learning from my past. Aaaahhhhhh so cleansing lol. Auntie D I'm pretty much the same way. I'd go "oh yeah I had sex with him. Forgot about him" I took alot of morning after pills. Not a good time even though it sure felt good at the time

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by Passion222

I'm praying you guys aren't disgusted. I sure am. My past is so mortifying and I always feel like I deserve anything bad that comes to me because I've lived a life of lies.

Passion, don't worry we are not here to judge you!!

I might not talk a lot here about my past, but I have one. And it isn't very pretty actually. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, tho I maybe do not regret, I still have remorse--as in I am sorry that it was that way.

I have been an alcoholic, a drug addict, a homeless person, a pan handler. I have been arrested many times. I keep my sex life part to myself ya, but it doesn't not mean I cannot relate or have not been there. I have been violent, mean, cold hearted, vindictive, hurtful...

But I don't talk about it much here, because I have reconciled these things with myself. And I no longer want to feel shame, sorrow, grief... over things I cannot change. I know I have done all I can to be who I want to be now.

So do not worry about us judging you, most of us have pasts, and present even and it is what it is.. human.

[Lunyknitter]

Originally Posted by Passion222

I was wondering if there's something you've done before or during your DX of BP that you most likely will never be able to change? Mine is everytime I was really sad or angry, I'd go get a tattoo that expressed my "moment". Eleven tats later, and I wish I could laser remove them all without taking out a 2nd mortgage

I regret shoplifting during a manic episode and have put my marriage at risk.
Trust I'd totally broken . Lunyknitter

[BipolaRNurse]

Anika said it perfectly.

I regret throwing away any chance at security in later life by spending like a drunken sailor on shore leave for the past 15 years. Now it's too late, we are drowning in red ink and will never draw a debt-free breath again in this lifetime.

I regret the years I spent making my family as crazy as I was with my mercurial moods. They never knew which wife/mother was going to walk through the door at the end of the day......I loved them all so much, and I was just so bloody inconsistent.

I regret abusing alcohol and being unable to control my drinking once I got started. Almost 21 years of sobriety haven't cured that, and I know I can never touch booze again. I can't even take the wine at Communion.

I also regret that it took so damned long to find out what was wrong with me, and that I was so resistive to getting help.

[cocoabeans]

Anything I truly regret? No, things I've done that I might not otherwise have done or experienced? Yes but, what is in the past is left there. I choose to accept the past. Feelings of regret have no reward.

[BlueInanna]

no judgments on you passion, no way! last weekend was out with a gf, she says, oh wow there's that guy from that time. and she had to jog my memory, but it was a doh! moment, like eww gross cant believe i did that, dont remember his name. but whatever, maybe it's the mood im in, i dont regret it. i still dont remember their names, but whatever im trying hard to be here now, and not live in regret anymore. we're all doin our best with what we have at the time. learn from it and then call that energy back to here and now, cuz here is where we need our energy.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Passion222

I'm praying you guys aren't disgusted. I sure am. My past is so mortifying and I always feel like I deserve anything bad that comes to me because I've lived a life of lies.

No, you are not disgusting. All of those tattoos, your daughters are right, they are the story of your life. Our stories don't always get to be full of picket fences and sunny mornings. We go through life and deal with it with the tools we are given.

Everyone makes mistakes and does dumb things. This is a place of healing, not judgement.