Hypomania - promiscuity and regrets

Hi all,

This is my first post in the bipolar forum. I was diagnosed as BP II a few months back and spent time in hospital sui after having a massive breakdown. Now that I am slowly getting better I am able to reflect on things in my life that appear to have been either a part of hypomanic episodes or depressive episodes. And which cause me to constantly fluctuate between low and high esteem, never able to develop a strong sense of self.

Just wondering if any other BP sufferers have experienced sexual promiscuity during a manic/hypomanic episode that has resulted in a lot of regret? When I was in my late 20s I slept with a much much younger guy (19) which was a result of having a crazy night out where I went absolutely OTT and now I realise hypomanic. After his friends called me a pedophile and my friends laughed a lot at the episode, I started to feel really, really regretful, shameful and depressed. I wished I hadn't have done it and I still do. I still feel mortified by it. It's like I was another person. This kinda thing has happened since then too. And it's always with people who are completely inappropriate (very young, someone I don't even like, in a relationship etc). And these incidents still haunt me with shame and embarrassment. I try to recognise them now and not go there but in that state it's hard for me to stop myself from acting out. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance here that I'm not the only person who has done this :-(

With mania can come the symptom of hypersexuality, so I don't think you are alone on that. I almost cheated while married while hypomanic, but made the right decision fortunately. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much as long as those mates were of legal age.

Yup they were certainly all legal. The 19 yo was the youngest but even so that made me feel so so gross. If I had my time again I would not have gone there. Made me feel like a perverse old woman. I guess if Madonna can do it I can?! But still, ew. What was I thinking?

The weird thing I think with hypomania is at the time everything seems to make sense and seem right, it's only afterwards that you think otherwise. And sometimes that sends me into a downward spiral from hypomanic to depressed. At least now I realise there is a medical reason for that. But it does make things very confusing...

It has never happened to me but I am writing to you to offfer a change of attitude. 19 is a legal age, above the age of consent. You are not a pedophile. Do not berate yourself. If yu are free from STDs, I suggest there is nothing to regret.

Hmm. Thanks. This is kind of nice to hear. I'm pretty depressed today and a friend brought this up and all the shameful feelings came flooding back. Maybe it's not that bad. It just feels bad. It's good to be able to write about it here though, because stuff like this can eat me up inside if I try to squash it down into nothingness.

Writing about these things can be one of the most helpful and therapeutic things you can possibly do to help you deal with all the feelings you have. Whether they're feelings you've had in the past, feelings you're having about what you did in the past or what you're feeling now - just remember, here you're writing to a group of people that won't judge you and is here to support you. I don't want you to squash anything - let it out and deal with it as best you can, if writing helps - write away!

So you are free from STDs - congratulations.

What else do you when hypomanic? Do you spend without regard for the consequences?

Yes, I can assure you that you're not the only one who has done this. I know others are promiscuous while hypo/manic. On my last stint, I cheated on my husband with a 22 year old from work. Ugh. Definitely regret that. I nearly tore my whole family apart because of so many awful decisions I had made in that time.

south pole... "The weird thing I think with hypomania is at the time everything seems to make sense and seem right, it's only afterwards that you think otherwise."

I struggle with this in regards to hypo episodes also and I strongly believe many many people with bipolar do as well. Once we reach a certain point past the point of being able to recognize signs and symptoms, it's almost as if we are not in our right mind and we don't realize the damage or consequences until after our stint is over with. I really empathize with your struggles here. I can relate with all that you're saying and all I can do is say that I'm here to talk whenever and...

You are definitely not the only one. I slept with some one nearly double my age while hypomanic (I was 21 and he was 40) I really regret it and for a long time thinking about it made me upset or feel sick.
Part of what has decreased that feeling is accepting that I'm not perfect, I'm human and allowed to make mistakes which I think is something our society doesn't recognise anymore. Yes there are consequences for some mistakes that we have to face but humans are not perfect. Our illness is just one example of that - I think our illness would be easier to live with if we didn't have the pressure of trying to live up to societies expectations of what we should be like.
Another part of what has improved things for me is time and being stable for a while. It's amazing what a good med combo can do.
Writing in a journal can help as can talking through things with a T. Good luck and you are definitely not alone.

Does it ever get better? I'm dealing with a similar issue. I was diagnosed years ago but I never had a problem with promiscuity. A few weeks ago, however, I slept with a new friend I have feelings for and I'm terrified that I've ruined our friendship because I just don't know how to deal. I just can't trust myself, my feelings, or my judgement anymore. Obviously, self-control has gone out the window and I can't remember how to deal with tricky social situations anymore.

This is SO true. And something I really struggle with. I think I make a lot of mistakes in life. And the feeling of doing things wrong is only exacerbated by regretting (not always, but often) things I do or say both when hypomanic or depressed. But the hypomanic stuff is definitely weird - it's like I am invincible, my self-esteem is through the roof, I can do anything ... and then I do all these crazy things which later make me think: "what the hell?!?" I find it hard too to just put things down to the illness ... it's like it takes the responsibility off me, which sometimes relieves me, but more often makes me feel like I'm not in control. You know what though? I'm so glad I have the diagnosis. It suddenly really explains a lot that's gone on in my life and makes me understand why I have had these massive changes in mood and self esteem.

Thank you HighPriestess. It means a lot to know that people understand.

Yes it does, it makes things a whole lot better. I feel like just being able to write stuff here and share it with others makes the whole thing seem a lot less frightening. It's like I can get it out of my head and take some of the pressure off my poor brain.

I am just so glad I found PC because it has made me feel less alone and less like a freak.

Oh Andrea I'm so sorry to hear that

You summarized 2012 for me. I had about 12 different partners as I shifted between moods. During mania, it was nail as much as I could (horniness seems to explode during this time as well). During depression, it was because I needed love. Looking back, I regret because I actually ruined an opportunity at a relationship because I slept a mutual friend. Neither has spoken to me since. Historically I believe I can identify ending a relationship around when a mood swing happens. Kudos for anyone that keeps their relationship during these trying times.

Keep writing and talking to get these feelings out. Keep your partners legal and always be safe. It's fine to regret a poor decision and rightfully we all should. If anything we can remind ourselves when the next opportunity presents itself how the last time made us feel. Take care!

Jim

Regret is meant to teach. I try not to regret most of my behavior when manic. I have enough ammo for depression without using unchangeable history against myself. Especially things that I can't learn from. Yes, I have had years of being 'popular' and luckily have not had to deal with any lasting consequences.

I am so sorry about that

And I definitely understand how you feel Southpole. Idk if other people go through this, but I am a huge perfectionist and I find that usually other people forgive me for the things I do while I'm manic or depressed a lot faster than I forgive myself. Do you all feel the same way?

Thanks for the hugs btw Southpole. I'm getting used to the boards still.

I know it's kind of random, but I find myself wondering, what does everyone do to try to keep it from happening again? I feel like, unlike the other symptoms of hypomania, asking other people for help can just make you more vulnerable :/ It's like the only people that get it are those who've experienced it.

YES I absolutely do. Oh so much. Perfectionism is ruining my life, I just can't forgive myself for stuff I do or say, esp when hypo or depressed. I really want to learn how not to do this. I'm in therapy for that, because I am so terrified of doing things wrong, and because I always think I make mistakes (inc in therapy). My pride/perfectionism even gets in the way in T so when she says stuff like "you didnt do anything wrong" I instantly take offence. It's like I can be as hard on myself as I want but no one else can. I am only allowed to beat myself up

I had an experience on the weekend when I could have almost done it again but I didn't. I seem to have better control at the moment plus focusing on the fact that this is a problem at the moment is making me more aware of it. Also I'm drinking less I'm starting to see how I can actually be quite predatory when I want to be. I'm less likely to be promiscuous if I don't feel like I'm the one in control. Hence it's somehow exciting to go for people who are either unavailable or inappropriate (or that I don't even like!!) because then I don't have to fear rejection etc. IDK, it's confusing. And something I will still have to work at.

Oh and in answer to hamster on the last page - yup I do the overspending thing, not that often, but it definitely has put me into financial straits before. I spend big on impulse and decide that it's absolutely the right decision. I've never gambled etc, it's more spending on holidays and clothes etc etc but always when I am absolutely broke. Cut up my credit card because of it and am now not in debt, but have massive trouble saving ...

I completely understand! I constantly correct myself in therapy and I'm always second guessing everything I say and do, particularly when I'm going through an episode. I've even been told that the only thing wrong with me is that I think something's wrong with me/that I'm paranoid. Lately, I'm also having trouble taking constructive criticism and it just feeds into the anxiety, paranoia, and perfectionism but my new meds seem to really be helping. I am a lot less anxious and I'm being easier on myself. My whole perspective is starting to change now that the nagging thoughts are being subdued. When I start to panic, I remind myself that I love others flaws and all and that the kind of people I want in my life will love me too. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to divulge too much info about myself to too many people when I'm being paranoid so that's causing me some stress now. Do you do that too? Tell people stuff you normally wouldn't and wish you hadn't when you're manic?

For me, the promiscuity problem is kind of the opposite. I'm vulnerable. I don't fully want to but I just keep going with it and allow it. Not like rape or anything, but more like I allow things to continue escalating. I just think, "Oh, this is happening. Now this is happening. Ok." and I think to myself that I should stop but I don't. It's like I'm playing a giant game of chicken with everything. Sex, money, drugs, and I don't care if I crash or don't crash so I just keep my foot on the gas when I know I shouldn't even be in the car. It's weird. It's not till it's over that I really process the consequences. I know they're there because my conscience keeps nagging at me but they're not real or don't really matter. Maybe it's an agoraphobia type of thing for you? You like knowing that you can bail?

Hi. I went thru periods like that even whilst married. I did things on the internet I deeply regret. I did and said things in cyber space and face to face that made me too feel like a different person. Now I wonder who that woman was. I can say that there is no point in looking back though. It only results in feeling bad and in low self esteem. If it served a useful function, I'd say go ahead and wallow, but it really is pointless. When your mind wanders, reel it back in or distract is as best you can. It's typical for bipolar so feel assured of that. All the best to you friend.

"I completely understand! I constantly correct myself in therapy and I'm always second guessing everything I say and do, particularly when I'm going through an episode. I've even been told that the only thing wrong with me is that I think something's wrong with me/that I'm paranoid. Lately, I'm also having trouble taking constructive criticism and it just feeds into the anxiety, paranoia, and perfectionism"

This describes me to a t and I hate it and only frustrates me more

Spending is bad in that it hurts you and your family but it does not violate anyone's rights. Promiscuity as in engaging in sex with a consenting adults does not violate anyone's rights either. Southpole, look, you did not murder or kidnap or rape anyone and you did not violate your city's recycling rules by putting recyclabe bottles into trash either. You did not commit any crime, big or small.

I did the same thing Southpole... don't want to discuss it in any detail cuz I've put it behind me, but same age guy, and I'm 10 years older than you. It happened, it was a whoops, I was doing a lot of weird things, but I don't think I'll do it again because I've spent so much time reflecting. I believe it possible to learn and grow even from a hypo/mania, even if I go into another episode, I really learned some things.

Oh, gender bias for sure - I am yet to see a post from an older guy regretting having slept with a ninceteen year old girl.