You happy bunch..

Clinical depression and the depression that you can get is simular so I was wondering,

If you had a choice, would you rather be normal or have Bp? Im asking this because I've heard of people saying that would rather keep the condition because they can deal with the lows in their own way and wait for the happy highs.

I'm not talking about the fluctuating Bp where it's minutes but rather weeks or months at a time.

Everyone wants to be normal but for me, having depression, I would really wish that I had Bp because at least there's highs and people won't think that I'm just a grumpy worthless piece of shite all the time..

Personally, I'd rather be normal. The highs are nice for a short time, but then they get scary and we can do things that are irrational and get us in trouble.

people won't think that I'm just a grumpy worthless piece of shite all the time Irritability, anger is a main feature of mania. Most don't get the euphoria as they age. People will always have bad opinions of any mental illness.

Mania & hypomania aren't necessarily "happy..." They're not something most people look forward to. They have dark sides too. Besides the lack of impulse control & desire to do unhealthy, dangerous things. Think agitated, anxious, exhausted. Frustrated. Angry. Rage. And it's all moving so fast and you can't slow it down. You lose focus. Sometimes instead of thinking you're awesome, your brain fills with self loathing. You can hate yourself & be manic or hypomanic at the same time. Then you've got a pocket full of dynamite. You've got a thousand ideas spinning in your head & they get negative. You just want it to stop... You see where this is heading?

As far as the lows, it's not typically just feeling a little bummed out. It's full on depression. It brings all the special treats that depression brings. It can last a long time. From your post, I know that you understand how much it sucks & I feel for you.

To answer your question, I'd rather be normal.

I'd rather be stable BP then normal.

I would rather not be manic ever again nor depressed...normal don't know about that either, I'll settle for stable me . Mania usually last months for me and and it always brings psychosis and great physical and mental agitation.. can't even think just fragments of thoughts the speed of light. It's a rather scary experience for me. It always feels like I might never come back.

From one extreme to the next you can literally seem like a few different people all rolled into one, and people don't usually react kindly to that either.

I am sorry you have to deal with depression.

Hi and welcome!
It's a common misconception that hypomania/mania is just one big ol' pile of happy. Sometimes and to a point, it can be. It can also be sheer out of control hell. And off the charts irritability and rage. All kinds of out of control and out of character behavior that can cause mountains of un-doable actions to regret. "Up" is energy alright, but that's not always a good thing.

I can't really answer your question because... well, it's complicated. And would vary according to when you asked. For me it has changed over the years (about 25) for the worse. The depressions have become deeper and more intractable. The hypomanias have been less often and less fun. I've always had issues with temper, but now I recognize much of it comes with the hypomania. When impulse control basically goes out the window. Not a good combo. Just some months ago, I experienced a month-long intense mixed episode. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It was indescribably horrid. And really, it cannot be put into words, but imagine the energy of a tornado running on self-loathing. Soooo much energy. Sooo much ... ugh. <shudder> Unspeakably intense negative energy. That won't stop. It's beyond exhausting.

There are times when, sure, I could be bouncing around a room, laughing my *** off at nothing, thinking I'm a freaking genius. And if you asked me then... I'd say, "Yeah! It's great! Hahahahahahaha!" And I wouldn't be able to take seriously that it won't last forever like that. (Did I mention logic goes out the window as well?). If you saw me "up" in negative mode, you wouldn't even ask. NO ONE wants that.

Any of my "good stuff" comes at a VERY high price.

(Excellent answer Chupacabra --- I saw it after posting and just kept say, "yes, yes, like that!" Good job describing the indescribable.)

I can deal with being bp... I just wish there were meds to keep me stable without awful side effects.

Give me normal. It hasn't been a year for me yet and BP has turned my life upside down.

I'd rather be normal so I don't have to have my medication constantly adjusted it seems like. Mania is fun while it lasts, but it hurts the ones you love and you get hurt in the end.

I don't mind the mood fluctuation. That's not what bothers me about having bipolar. I'm more concerned with the cognition loss I seem to be suffereing and the psychosis. And also that it seems that it's getting harder for me to control my reaction to certain triggers...

I don't think it really matters in the end if you're "normal" or not. I think everyone has things they have to deal with in life.

I would not only rather be normal, but I would trade having many other physical illnesses and possibly trade a limb, other than having this mental illness. I am diagnosed as bipolar however I only had 1 manic episode in my life about 10 years ago and a few hypomanic episodes here and there. I mostly have deep long lasting depressions. This illness has wrecked my life. I had to drop out of college, was unable to work due to severe depression and undiagnosed bipolar at the time and med resistant, and now through the years have struggled with only being able to get low paying dead end jobs, having relationship issues, and dealing with trails and trails of medications to try to get better induring all the side effects and still feeling depressed and struggling with my life. So please don't wish to be bipolar. I can see where you are coming from thinking the manic phase is worth getting through the low times, but trust me it is not and like the posts before me, mania or hypomania is not always a happy euphoric feeling...

Normal.

Feeling normal makes me feel awesome, like I have my life and I am in control.

as for the 'highs' -- all they represent to me is a new form of misery: anxiousness, insomnia, paranoia, excessive thoughts, etc

Well, but all the things we go through with mental illness can also ruin your life with physical illness. For example, we had a patient who was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. He was a truck driver, but if you're on insulin you're not allowed to be a truck driver. That's because you could have a low blood sugar and cause a major accident (similar to driving drunk.) So he lost his job. After he lost his job his wife left him and took their kids, because she was unable to support the family.

Another example is that people who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses often get abandoned by friends and even family. I know that's terrible and no one wants to think about it. But my mom always would tell my dad how appreciative she was to him for not leaving her. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with bipolar. But it wasn't until she went on disability for chronic degenerative bone disease that her husband left her.

So, no, I wouldn't trade this for physical illness. Life is not easy for anyone. The grass is not greener on the other side.

Well, I would do anything to turn back the clock and stop the BP switch from getting flipped on. I feel as though i lost so much due to this illness and lament the life I could have had...the life i lost. I'm still here, holding on and trying to make the best of it, but i would give anything to not be this way anymore.

I would stay bp cause it's shaped the person I am today and I like that person.

They say as long as you're alive you still have time to live a good life. Maybe it isn't the life you expected or the life you mapped out on paper when you were a kid or in college. But a good life doesn't always mean the white picket fence and perfect career and family.

It's up to us to fight back and say "despite this, I refuse to have a bad life."

I know there are people who have positive experiences with hypomania and mania, they feel creative and whatnot and it's good energy.

But that's not me. I've mostly dealt with depression and anxiety (although my anxiety is probably separate from the bipolar) with some hypomania only 1 or 2 "true" manic episodes but mostly, lookiing back, it's been mixed states that I've dealt with. Lots of anger, feelings of aggression, irritablity, panic attacks, depression, obsessive components and paranoia. Recently I've realized that for the period of 6 or 7 years when I thought of myself as "stable" I was really just getting by. Going into crying jags several times a month or losing something and becoming hysterical are just not stable. But I thought since my (old) pdoc only wanted to see me every 6 months and I could drag myself to work then it was okay.

Would I trade my bipolar disorder and anxiety for normal? In a heartbeat. There are times when I would have sold my soul to the devil for normal.

I don't have a college degree, I'm not working right now, I'll be 40 in a few months - I have no idea when I'll be in a position to work. I can't even think of my financial future without it starting me into a tail spin. I wish my life were different that I was creative in some way, that I had friends, that I had kids. In this life kids aren't happening (even though I kinda want them, it's just not going to happen).

That said there have been good things in my life and these last 2 years have been particularly good for me despite everything. But, I'd rather have normal.

I am not even thinking all the blah blah blah of "trading for normal". Life doesn't work that way.

I'd rather be born somewhere sunnier and richer too. Not in post-communist country with sucky weather and economics... I'd rather be of tiner body frame and more intelligent. I'd rather have both parents still alive.

*shrugs*

I do believe in reincarnation... and that we learn with each existence. Hence roadblocks and lessons to learn. It depends how you deal with it all.

Thank you so much to everyone. I didn't think that there would be this many replies.

It makes me sad to think that such illnesses can cause people to drop out of college or stop working because my depression has gotten so bad that I'm in that possition right now. I can't take it. There's absolutely nothing I can do.

Today I felt awful. I hate class. Everyone is so happy. I accept it kind of.. I can't just walk out of class because I have no where to go.. No better options.. I'm contantly monitored on everything I do.. I'm never alone and I hate it.. I need a very long break but surely that won't work..

I skipped work again. I'm going to tell my parents for the 20th time, I need to quit work. They insist that I stay.. This time it's for real.. I need to.. I can't live like this and everyone thinks that I can. I tried so hard and it's even harder to tell people that don't understand. "send him to boot camp".. I'm not misbehaving. If I was sent there, I would do as I'm told like always..

I used to care about money. Now it's worthless. I don't eat anymore. I substitute for coffee.. There is no god.. (in my point of view. Please don't get offended..) so I really wouldn't mind if I died..

I wish I could get supported in MY choices.. I want to take lower classes. People get angry and say "you're so smart! Why?! What the hell is wrong with you?" how can even explain that? I hate how people confuse depression with laziness.. Because I did.. I thought mental illnesses were just excuses. I used to say "teenagers don't get mental illnesses. They're just making excuses! It's because they have a crappy life that's making them think that they have "depression". I thought that about myself as well.. I have many life and family problems. It also something else that's for sure..

If anyone hasn't posted yet, feel free to do so. Right now I do believe the opposite of what I might have thought relating to the subject.

I don't mind being Bipolar, I can handle it, In many ways it has opened my eyes and heart to things I may have never been exposed it.

I'm fine I will stay just the way I am.

Wired wrongly
I've drop out of college many times. I think I've tried 7 college's all different types. I'm never stable enough to stay. Please look into a medical leave and part time it'll take longer but if it keeps you able to continue that's good enough. MI doesn't care about how smart you are. You can also see what classes you can test out of. Please take whatever classes will be best for you. You don't have to tell anyone until much later. Could you tell your parents work refused to work around your school schedule?

I hate being bipolar, and I hate the state of my life. Would I be more successful without it? I believe so. As others have said: it's a common misconception and somewhat a bit of a myth that all episodes of mania/hypomania (these 'highs' experienced by people with bipolar disorder) are periods of happiness and creativity.

Some of my highs have indeed been full of creativity, but where does it end? Well for me it ends crashing and burning into irritability, paranoid delusions, severe depression and eventually suicide attempts.

At the age of 14 I had my first hospital stay and missed the majority of my exams. Before the disorder I was an A* grade student, with the chance of 14 qualifications. Since...I've lost everything. Up until the age of 17 I couldn't stay stable and focused enough long enough at all to follow through with my high hopes and expectations not just from me but also from my teachers.

I had a second chance and did really well. I attained distinction grades, was on the "Lecturers reasons to be cheerful" list, was in the gifted and talented group. And at times I got manic and this helped me do 3,000 word essays in an hour or so...but eventually it led to me being a complete hyperactive wreck - putting myself in a lot of danger. And before I could complete the course...I was sent back to the psych ward.

Without the bipolar in my life, who knows what I could have achieved? I know for certain I would have been able to keep up the A* grades and make my teachers proud. I was in the top classes and was close to getting some very good qualifications. As soon as the bipolar started affecting me, I lost it all.

I was un-medicated for the first few years which made things worse (they wanted to wait until I was 18 to diagnose and medicate the bipolar, so until then they stuck with the depression diagnoses but gave me a couple of meds). Though with medication you lose most of the highs anyway.

So yeah. At times mania can be enjoyable. But most times it's a pain in the ***, and the depression that follows just makes it so much less enjoyable. And when the mania is hallucinating and seeing my dead relatives and the devil; thinking my mum is trying to kill me; being hospitalized for months at a time; not being able to sleep for 7 days; etc...it's the complete opposite.

I know it probably makes me sound pathetic saying I wish I didn't have bipolar, but I honestly hate having an illness that still to this day affects everything I do. The debt, the hundreds of scars over my body, the fear of another episode, the episodes themselves (crippling depression AND crippling mania and mixed episodes), the time in education it stole form me, the huge gap in my CV I have left, not being legal to drive, etc.

I want it all to go. Hope that gives you a better perspective.

RB.

Not sure. When I look back on things, there was never really a "normal" time for me.

Not really sure what normal feels like.

I used to think I used to be normal because I used to think everyone had the horrible thoughts running through their heads that I did.

Turns out that is not the case. LOL

Yes. THIS. ^^ But I never told anyone about my bad thoughts until a few months ago, when I shared some of them with my pdoc, who did NOT run out of the room screaming as I'd half-expected. In fact, he told me he's heard much worse things than I could ever dream up.

I also didn't know until a few months ago that most (normal?) people have an Off switch in their brains. That they can shut down and not think about anything for a time, and when you ask them what they're thinking, they say "Nothing". Well, how the hell can anyone not be thinking of at least SOMETHING??! My mind never, ever shuts off---not even for a second---unless I'm asleep, and often not even then. Most of the time my thoughts race even when I'm not in a mood episode.....I didn't know there was any other way to be.