[Victoria'smom]

And what the **** did my husband do (besides having low self esteem) to endure my hatred? Then we're selfish enough to inflict this horrible disease on a child! Wtf,

[wildflowerchild25]

i kind of feel that way :-/ especially now that it is affecting me so horribly. My son is only 2 1/2 but I feel like between my family's history and my husband's he has a very small chance of escaping life without some sort of mental illness. i feel like a real a-hole sometimes for deciding to have a child. I guess only time will tell.

but as an aside, i don't think anyone does anything to deserve mental illness. i don't believe in past lives or karma or whatever. we just drew the short straws in life.

I hope you feel better :-)

[Cocosurviving]

It hasn't been a yr since I was diagnosed and I've asked this question more than I care to remember. Recently I had a third eval to be sure a mistake wasn't made. This has been really hard for me. I did not have BP growing up or have a clue I carried the gene. Mt onset was after a surgery and taking a AD. By the time of my onset I already had three kids. The only thing I could do is educate my older two (15,18). and pray. I do agree w/ wild flower child, we just got the short end of the stick. I'm trying to learn to make the best out of a bad situation. I can say that I've been lucky so far (knock on wood). I haven't had a episode since being on BP meds (8 mns). The only things I know to due is avoid A/D (never a prob for me, try to avoid lots of stress and get plenty of sleep. Then I follow the Girl Scout moto, be prepared. I have a safe plan and a medic alert bracelet.

Stay strong

[LucidLucy]

When you start thinking this way just use your empathy for others to turn it around. Ask yourself what a child who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or some other horrible affliction did to deserve it. The answer is nothing, and that applies to your situation as well.

I have never felt what you are feeling. My recurring, unproductive and destructive mantra since being diagnosed has been "why couldn't I have known sooner?".

My life was such a struggle, so much pain for me and my family. If I had only known ..........

But it isn't productive to think as either of us are. We can't change it so we need to focus on what we can do.

I hope you feel better soon.

[faerie_moon_x]

I agree with Lucy. There are many horrible things in this world. We all have our own journey, our own sorrows, etc.

I have often felt like you do, but not about having bipolar. I wonder what I did to have a mom who died when I was a kid, and a dad who was dismissive to me when I obviously needed help. I wonder why all the kids when I was in school beat me up, knocked me down, and told me I was disgusting and ugly to the point that I can't see anything else. What did I do to deserve all of that? I probably didn't do anything. It's just the journey I have to take and I probably won't ever know why.

[~Christina]

As others have said .. you didn't do anything to deserve this. It is Okay to get mad and blow up over it and your relationships and wonder how your son will learn to navigate his life, and he will have a life, a great one. Treatments for Bipolar have changed so much, think of 5 years , 10 years from now... I think it will be amazing to see all the new treatments.


Hang in there Keep posting we are all here for you

[Trippin2.0]

I'm sure Miguel is not mad or dissapointed by the fact that you decided to bring him into this world, I don't know any child who thinks "WTH were my parents thinking when they had me, they shouldn't have done that"...

Life has handed you a raw deal MM, and its ok to express your anger, hurt and frustration at that, but never, never go thinking it is your fault, or your punishment.

Such thoughts are counter-productive, because you can't pinpoint what you did wrong (because it doesn't exist) and therefore you can't make "ammends" or do penance, to "fix" the situation, which just leaves you asking more questions with the same counter-productive theme.

Life knocks us around enough, we don't have to join in by beating ourselves up, so please stop it, and use that energy to do something nice for yourself instead

[Victoria'smom]

I completly shattered a couple of days ago. Pushed my husband to the thought of sui and still did not have the words to explain myself. He thought I was horribly mad at him and the things that I said out of hurt and anger can never be taken back. I know he will forever use those phrases to beat himself up. I've spent the last 2.5 days sleeping or crying and I can't find a single reason why. I've been able to hold back tears for the past 5 hrs except one slip up. I'm so glad Miguel is trying his new plan for taking meds at a slumber party. He came home to get something hugged me and said "thanks mom". the boy's all scared up and bloody but he thanks me what the hell am I suppose to say when he finds me crying? When I don't even know what's wrong. This bites! Thanks for posting I'm really trying to be positive it's just not working well.

[BipolaRNurse]

MM

Today I introduced the #1 great man in my life (my hubby) to #2 on the list (my pdoc) and told Doc "this is the man who's a candidate for sainthood for putting up with me for the last 33 years". Doc promptly said, "I'LL say!!" and we all laughed, because it's true. These two men know the worst about me, but they care about me anyway (albeit in different ways). And so it is with you and your mate, MM. He's seen you at your absolute worst, and I'm sure you've seen him at his.......yet you love each other and your son without reservation, no matter what illness any or all of you may manifest in life.

I'm trying to take this same attitude with my elder son and daughter-in-law, who have about half a dozen mental health diagnoses between the two of them and are expecting a new baby in mid-to-late October. Both of her daughters already show signs of anxiety and one has ADHD; Heaven only knows what this child will have to deal with....both parents have PTSD and depression, plus my son has alcohol problems and undiagnosed bipolar, and his wife has borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and anger management issues. Then when you add Bipolar Grandma into the mix.....well, just about anything could happen to this poor baby.

But maybe it won't. And IMHO, it's worth the risk to trust in God, or the Fates, or whatever one trusts in, to bring a loved and wanted child into this world.

I do know about the guilt trip that bipolar lays on when I've said or done something horrible to my spouse (who does not have any MH problems and thus has no idea whatsoever of the demons I battle every day). For 32 of our 33 years together, I was either an angel or his worst nightmare; now that we know what made me the way I was (and still am to a point), he's been able to forgive me for all of it and stand by me.

Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a loving spouse and a support system, and sometimes in my own worst moments, my heart weeps for those who don't. How do people get through this without love? Without good psychiatric care and medications? I struggle with it so badly sometimes even with all those advantages, so it's hard for me to imagine surviving without them.

OK, now I'm rambling and not making any damn sense even to myself....been a long day.

[BlueInanna]

(((((MM))))) LOVE YOU!!!!

[notALICE]

[QUOTE=LucidLucy;3027398]My recurring, unproductive and destructive mantra since being diagnosed has been "why couldn't I have known sooner?".

My life was such a struggle, so much pain for me and my family. If I had only known .........."

Mine too Lucy, i *so* wish i had known sooner, to spare pain, struggles & grief but it doesn't get me anywhere now or change the past. At least I now know that even though I passed this to my kid, it was also passed to me from my father, and upward through the family tree...

I do think that we have unique gifts others don't, along with the struggles.

Miguel'sMom - you have been such a calm in my own storm. Let me know if I can help.

[notALICE]

And Blue too- what would I do without you all?

[LucidLucy]

I don’t have children so I wanted to say that up front just in case my opinion seems out of touch with the realities of parenthood. I generally don’t hop into threads about parenthood for this reason but I wanted to post on the topic this time because my heart bleeds for all parents or potential parents who suffer from mental illness.

I’ve read quite a few posts on this forum from parents or grandparents who are feeling as if they have potentially brought a curse to the lives of their offspring. I totally understand the feelings and statements made in these cases but I always see the positive in them as well.

If it does happen, the child will have people in their lives who are informed and educated about it. People who are likely to spot it early and get help for the child. People who are less likely to cause the trauma that can come from having their own parents introduce them to the experience of stigma very early in life when it can do the most damage.

A child who does not become afflicted also has the advantage of potentially growing up to be a very special person because of the trials they have watched others go through in their family. I have seen this first hand in the lives of more than one friend. Their now adult children are just amazing people who have tremendous empathy for every other human being that they meet.

The people who post here are all in this category. You know and are far more educated than many people in the general public and many of them pass on difficult genetic predispositions to their offspring as well.

I’ve also wanted to profess my admiration for so many of the parents who post here. You are all heroes in my book.