Can't forgive myself for things I have done...

I have grown to accept the term bipolar and I even told a few family members. One just laughed and said (kindly), "I've always known you are moody...". But I am struggling GREATLY with trying to accept my past and I feel lost about how to do it. I am hoping some of you can share how you have come to accept yourselves (those of you who are not angels).
I just feel like such a piece of crap for some things that i have done. I spent a ton of time drinking excessively from when I was about 17 on. I can only look back and guess my state of mind, but there are times I ended up doing things I feel very bad about and I kind of hate myself for some of my actions. I have apologized to those that I have hurt, to the best of my ability. I can't change things, I know, but I feel like I am finally ready to process some of this now that I understand WHY my behavior was so erratic. I don't know where to begin and think that hearing some of your stories of self-acceptance may help me. I would love any suggestions you feel comfortable offering, too.

Really, the hardest person to earn forgiveness from is often yourself.

I've done things I'm not proud of, but over time I've come to accept that what's done is done and I've done the best I can with what I had at the time. I also have come to realize that I wasn't in the best state of mind to be making any decisions, especially life changing decisions, yet there I was thinking I had all the answers.

i will say done is done. you have asked for forgiveness and if people are not ready to give it, its not just their choice but their right. you made mistakes. perhaps you have damaged relationships too much. so start building new relationships... i did this twice, i faced depression twice which included isolation and failures, so i stopped contacts with my old friends and made new friends. that is why i have about 500 facebook friends !!!
and in the word of my favorite writer - "as long as you are alive everything else can be taken care of" . sometimes there is almost everything we need to cake care of ...

I can totally relate to this. I didn't have anyone watching out for me. I was working in a strip club at 19 in Orlando no less. The years that led up to it were bad... promiscuis sex... hired out of the club by married folks as a b'day gift (threesomes, etc). I was always on ecstasy, coke, smoking pot, drinking excessively, I was told I couldn't have kids so I took that as a free ride to sex with no protection. Im lucky I don't have AIDS or something. And I don't remember mist of my life before 21. I'm 30 now and wouldn't know half the people to apologize to
I robbed people, stole money, drugs, who knows. OD'd on GHB, and heroin...I don't even know how I'm alive. Now I have three beautiful daughters, a husband who loves me, work in youth ministry and volunteer in a community project for young and poor mothers (Im a birth doula and lactation counselor). Got my Dx's in Feb this year and even though it all makes sense I feel like a total fraud. My first step to recovery was Jesus. But Im nowhere near healed. All that to say this, you aren't alone.

I can relate. A TON. I haven't completely accepted the things I've done, or myself & am still my own worst enemy BUT I realize I can't change the past & try to make "living amends" by attempting not to make the same mistakes & be kind to most others. I am also an Alcoholic, 12 Steps helped, when I remember to live the principles.

I've said this before in posts, but I thought I was just an alcoholic until I had a hypomanic episode, first triggered by stress, then exacerbated by antidepressants which put me into acute mania, so I was just diagnosed this February.

I still have lots to learn, but having a diagnosis helps (with meds, etc) but I also realize I've been like this most of my life. It doesn't excuse my bad behavior but explains a lot.

Be kind to yourself. You can sometimes use your past to relate & help others. There's a lot of wisdom to "letting go", which was told to me, today in fact. Holding on to those negative emotions hurt you & can hinder getting better.

My very best to you in all of this. Forgiving yourself is the hardest of all. (I agree with the person who said that in a previous post).

Oh PS my family is so not supportive either. They suck.
LOL shows you I am not so zen-like though I want to be

Good topic

I've done a lot of crazy things, some I don't regret, others I do.

What came to mind, though, when I read your post, is a positive (believe it or not) that has come out of my past craziness and that is that I'm no doubt far less judgmental of others than I perhaps otherwise would be -as far as certain behaviors. I think there's not much room for political correctness with bipolar. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and many etc.'s, well, I get it. I work in healthcare and come across people who struggle with these things (not necessarily due to bipolar, and for us as well, who knows, there may be multiple factors involved) and I do my best to show that I do not judge them. It's important -both with ourselves and towards others- to not judge harshly for these sorts of things. It's likely harder not to judge ourselves. Asking for forgiveness is one way to go. But I think what's done is done and, thankfully (and I'm very lucky in this), I survived, as have you.

Shame is such a terrible thing. I don't have any magical answers, except to try to be gentle with yourself, perhaps think how you would treat others like yourself --you probably wouldn't judge others as harshly, maybe try to think of yourself as deserving of forgiveness and understanding. You survived, you have a whole future ahead of you.

Intense topic. I look at it as ultramar's described. Because of those experiences - mainly drugs, drinking, promiscuity - I am able to have more compassion and less judgment for others going through it. Time helps coming to terms with you can't change your past.

I have to agree with you there! I struggle with forgiving myself for things I've done, but never hesitate to forgive other people.
We've all made mistakes, and I think it helps us become a stronger person, if that makes sense.

Forgiveness follows acceptance. You cannot forgive what you have not fully accepted. I did some horrible things as a teen, wayy out of control compared to my peers, and looking back, major hypo episodes involved. Did things I ended up being ashamed of, things I didn't understand because it was so out of character, opposite to what my principals were, and in the opposite direction of where my moral compass was pointing. I hurt and lost friends, I was chucked out of my house numerous times before I turned 18 (only to be saved by blessed eldest brother RIP) and guess what slowed me down, gave me the sense of "control" I needed to not repeat those drinking,drugging and immoral ways?... I had an unplanned pregnancy at 19. Honestly a Godsend.

She made me determined to be a good example, and so far so good, I stay out of most kinds of trouble, save for spending outrageously and anger problems.

Anyway, I was no angel, maybe I wasn't a prostitute or addict, but I had my fair share of shame to deal with. At first I denied all my wrong doings, or played it down to seem like innocent experimenting and therefore acceptable, but the truth was eating me up inside...

So... I cut out my shame gland, it wasn't a very useful part of my anatomy to begin with anyway.

I conciously decided that the past was the past, this is now and the future is unknown. I can't change the past, and maybe I shouldn't if I ever had the chance because it shaped the me I am now.

The me I am today is a good person. She's wise beyond her years, intelligent, empathetic, and has such a vast range of experiences she is able to relate to almost any situation someone else may be needing help with. She is kind hearted, non-judgemental, eager to help those in need. So how can I really hold my past against me?

I've accepted that I did some fkd up stuff I would never want my daughter to do, but I've forgiven myself for it. Regret is much too heavy a burden to bare, besides, it doesn't match any of my clothes

I know this is not a religous or spiritual topic, but when I was struggling to forgive myself, I said to me... If God can forgive me, who am I to say He's wrong about me? Who am I to say that I am unworthy when He has already said that I am worthy of forgiveness? How can I override His decisions / judgements?
That train of thought was life changing and liberating, and I'm not even a devout Christian, I'm merely a simple believer.

how do people quote on here?

I don't accept my past. I have replaced it with the present. If I go back there, then it brings with it all of the things that I have escaped from in the present.

I treat it like it was another life, another person and that's what I do.

by doing this, I am happy. I know that my past is NOT something that I can ever accept... so this is my technique. I am mindful of it, sometimes think about it, but never associate it with who I am now.

make sense?

Live in the present moment. It's all you have. It's who you are in this moment that matters. The biggest waste of time and energy is living in the past. It takes you away from this moment. I try to practice mindfulness. I try to live this philosophy. It's so true. It makes sense. It's healthy. What purpose does it serve you or anyone else to beat yourself up?? That's what I ask myself.

Thanks to all for the comments. I think what I realized in this process is that I am still not OK with who I am at some level otherwise I would be able to accept my shortcomings and my past as part of me. I will start there : ). I am so frustrated because it took me YEARS to be ok w/ being bisexual (not that that has anything to do with this process) but I felt "different" and like a square peg in a round hole. I ended up feeling afraid of having to close of friends for fear they would find out and think less of me. I finally just said whatever, it is what it is and this is me and I have been ok (mostly) since, though I don't advertise my orientation unless I know someone can handle it. I guess I wasn't ready for another "thing" to have to accept about myself. But here it is. Thanks so much for helping me. I have to release my past to move forward and I think you all have offered many useful suggestions on how to do that. (((hugs)))

Rough Therapy today ... But .... I took a giant leap and even though things are going to get worse before they get better.. I am going to be proud of myself while I sit here having anxiety and one non stop panic attack ! (not so much fun .)

I relate.
My doc said most people like us are dead or in prison. Whew!
I get the "if only's" too, but I gotta remember that I was not a "normie" and things would surely be different if only I wasn't bipolar. Gotta remember that!
Gotta believe my Lord used this to bring to the place where I am.
God will forgive you, if you seek Him......then maybe you can forgive yourself.

Blessings to you, along with a prayer.

"I don't accept my past. I have replaced it with the present. "

Gotta love that

quote of the year maybe? lol

are you loving that in a good way or a bad one?

The biggest step you can make is acknowledging that you did some damaging things in your past and that you regret it. There are lots of people who never (or don't want to) get to that point. You're ahead of the game.

I'm in the same boat as you (ie. doing wrong things in the past). And I don't like who I am due to mood swings, etc. and I'm ostracized wherever I go. Part of me has accepted it and vice versa.

You are so right Skyerat; Dumbfounded's quote IS lovable. I think a nomination for quote of the year is in order. : )

Seriously though...I think that quote allows the freedom to move forward by starting fresh. Seal up the past, not duplicate the same mistakes and put one foot in front of the other with a heart/soul that offers understanding and kindness to those I encounter. I think that I the best I can do. right now. I am starting CBT to help as well.

You all have such amazing insights. I hope that I can offer something back once I piece myself back together ((hugs all)).

Honey, I could've written this post myself a year ago. Being diagnosed with BP is a total game-changer, and it takes a long time to process. There's dealing with being given a label, grief over losing the person you thought you were, tons of medication adjustments, and learning to accept having the disorder while still living your life.

I'm still working on all of this, though I've made great strides in the 15 months since I was diagnosed. Some small part of me desperately wanted it to not be true---for months, I thought my psychiatrist was merely humoring me because I'd come in suspecting bipolar, and he needed to have a diagnosis to bill for.

Well, he's much too honest and ethical to do anything like that, but I really, really, REALLY didn't want to be bipolar and he played along for a while, treating me with meds and therapy just like a 'real' patient; we just didn't use the label.

But finally, the elephant in the room couldn't be ignored any longer, and there was no choice but to call it what it was. So for the past few months, he's been taking me very gently by the shoulders, turning me to face my enemy, and calling the bastard by its name.

And why shouldn't I acknowledge the truth? It's nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't do this to myself, just as people don't get cancer, diabetes, or even the flu on purpose. I have behaved in ways that made me ashamed (and I deserved to!) and hurt my loved ones deeply; but now that everyone understands why I did those things---and why I still can't control myself completely---there is forgiveness. The only person who has trouble with that concept, of course, is me. And I'm working on that.

I am looking at the quote in a positive way. I am trying to figure out how to do it, dumbfounded.

U made mistakes in your past, u asked forgiveness, u cant control what they do from here, u r no longier that person, congrats on moving forward and accepting responsbility thats a huge step. U should be very proud of yourself. Drinking proably covered alot of the bipolar things you experience. My dad drank himself to death and I know he had to be bipolar, I acted just like him, so I think I acted bipolar before I even experience the effects of bipolar. Now its time for you to forgive yourself and let the recovery begin. GOD make no JUNK!!!!!! I cant forget the past to, but I cant deal with the present situation if Im lost back there, its to hard being in 2 places at one time. I dont know how to tell you how to do it, we all have different ways of coping but your on a positive start. Good luck