[Mack2]

I have totally lost who I am, I look at myself and just see some crazy nutcase who can't be independent, often rely on my parents and sister ( I'm 40 years old for goodness sake). I'm fed up putting drugs into my body that will eventually cause me harm in the future. I don't want to have a brain similar to someone with Alzheimer's but I know without the meds my future would look bleak. I used to make informed decisions about my meds but now I feel backed into a corner. I am fed up being me, I don't even know who "me" is. I am bipolar not someone with bipolar. I used to be reasonably intelligent, now my brain is just mush, who am I now??

[sugahorse1]

I think you should speak to a therapist about this. Every time I've let like this, I've ventured into dangerous territory. Either stopping my meds or landing in deep depression.
It doesn't sound like your meds are letting you live the quality of life you deserve

[faerie_moon_x]

I agree with Suga. Dark brooding thoughts leed to darker brooding thoughts. It sounds like a thought loop to me.

I don't think you're a nutcase. The things you're worried about would worry anyone in the same situation. I think our society puts so much shame on needing to seek help from family/friends. But, if we still lived in tribes as humans were meant to do, then we'd always have someone to help out. It goes against our very nature to be alone and on our own all the time. Not everyone can fit into the box, and that's okay.

[intergalactictraveler]

dark_heart_x,

My late friend was an anthropologist who was closely involved with Native American tribes, particularly the Lakota Sioux , used to tell me that if we, with our bipolar illness, had lived as part of a tribe, we would be honored, respected and taken care of.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

dark_heart_x,

My late friend was an anthropologist who was closely involved with Native American tribes, particularly the Lakota Sioux , used to tell me that if we, with our bipolar illness, had lived as part of a tribe, we would be honored, respected and taken care of.

Yup, I believe it! Thanks for sharing that! It just validates my idea that us folks with bipolar are not the horrible mess that everyone thinks we are. We just don't fit into the box that our society has created.

We have other talents and gifts that we don't get to use. Maybe not everyone is supposed to work an 8-5 job, be in charge of paying the bills, doing the chores, and running the errands, and living in the fantasy white-picket fence world that everyone else strives for.

Same with all the other things. Autism, schizophrenia, ADD, anxiety, etc etc.... I mean, I think there is a reason people like us exist. It's just that part of culture has been pushed aside or something.

[Mack2]

Thank you all, I just need to find belief in myself or someone. I considered religion but I'm terrified that if I believed the "other side" is a better place, then I'd end up there sooner rather than later. I readily admit I spend far to many hours each day, questioning myself. Trying to figure out who I am, I just can't find any answers. I don't know where else to look? I'm confused and I never used to be. I always knew who I was, I'm just not that person anymore, so "who am I"?

[Dylanzmama]

I SOOOOOOO completely understand. I went to a group for parents with kids with autism and the T said impatiently to me, "so you went to bed and woke up as someone else"... Like GET ON WITH IT.
It's been 3years since my breakdown and I' m slowly getting my sense of humor back...of course that was the fist thing to go.
I hate to say it , but I just had to suffer for some time. Meds took forever to figure out plus major family tragedies made my recovery longer I think.
Hang in there. Who you are has not changed (unless you want it to) it's just covered up by your mental illness right now. You'll get yourself back!

[Trippin2.0]

There are two main reasons I can identify with the feeling of not recognizing oneself...

First: I over-identified with my bipolar. I became immersed in mood cycles, meds, pdocs, fixing myself, triggers, and generally adjusting to life with bipolar. Basically I drowned myself in bipolar.

You know what was idiotic about that? I'd already been living bipolar for 10yrs before anyone figured it out, so I didn't need a new outlook on life

Well as I was drowining in my bipolarness, very little of me was recognizable, I was now this crazy person who had to adjust to being crazy... I didn't know her, couldn't know her, and for good reason, she wasn't real in the first place!

Second issue: I found myself on meds that muted my emotions, my reactions, my life experiences...

This was very traumatic for me! Thats when I started questioning myself, and realized I didn't even vaguely recognize the chick in the mirror

Now, some people can adjust to this muteness, some welcome it with open arms, and they fair just fine. Some simply need their meds tweaked to lesson it, for some therapy to help adjust to it, and this is perfectly ok if the person is happy with this kind of setup. Which I think most medicated members are...

This was not the case with me though.

I didn't like mute, I couldn't identify with mute. I was perplexed one day when something happened and I did NOT sob uncontrollably and throw things in my room I couldn't understand it, and refused to accept it.

See for me (maybe because my bp has shaped alot of who I am, and I had grown to love that person) this was an unacceptable way of life. I cannot fathom going through life experiencing a fraction of my emotions when my volatility and sensitivity is an intrinsic part of my identity. I'd have to reshape years of growth and acceptance, and I didn't want to. Nothing about that option was appealing.

I wanted to be me again, I wanted to laugh so hard at stupid stuff I could wet myself. I wanted to be ecstatic just because, and be inlove with life so that I could have epiphanies and write gorgeous poetry, I wanted to hurt so bad I could bleed, I wanted to be me. The me I'd known and loved for so long.

I'm really really sorry about this long post, but I'm getting to the point, and didn't mean to make it about me.

Thing is this; there may be a myriad of reasons why you don't recognize yourself right now. Your job is to find out where you went, and provide a gps. If you have a T, they could be very helpful on this journey.

Maybe you just need to learn to adjust to the "new" you, or maybe you've gotten trapped somewhere just beneath the surface, and you need to learn how to emerge... 1 thing I find that helped to shine a light is passion. What is or was your passion, or atleast your favourite thing? Mine was/is music, but I lost that too. Listening to favourite tracks from years gone by was really like a time machine, it helped me with the first steps in getting re-aquainted with myself.

I'm really sorry for the lengthy post, I get carried away when I want to be as clear as possible.

I hope you find yourself soon

I couldn't have made it with a "religious" thing either. It took spirituality to teach me
and that's very different from religion. Try it sometime. Read about it, listen to people
who are experts in it, etc. It can amaze you if you let it.

Religion seemed to box me in and I can't manage that well. Spirituality freed me somehow.

[EBD8]

Like me and maybe like a lot of us who are bipolar. Lost and confused. I'm dependent upon my daughter for my payee. She takes me to the grocery store. When my anxiety is so bad she rearranges her schedule too accomidate me. I have trouble posting on the board cause I'm afraid I'll say something wrong and hurt someone but it truly has helped me to face my issue's and realize I'm not alone and see what others are doing to combat this illness which can destroy life in so many ways. It's given me courage to fight again, not much but it's more than I had. Don't give up, keep coming back and share and share some more. Who know's you may say something that could change a life for the better someday.

[intergalactictraveler]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

There are two main reasons I can identify with the feeling of not recognizing oneself...

First: I over-identified with my bipolar. I became immersed in mood cycles, meds, pdocs, fixing myself, triggers, and generally adjusting to life with bipolar. Basically I drowned myself in bipolar.

You know what was idiotic about that? I'd already been living bipolar for 10yrs before anyone figured it out, so I didn't need a new outlook on life

Well as I was drowining in my bipolarness, very little of me was recognizable, I was now this crazy person who had to adjust to being crazy... I didn't know her, couldn't know her, and for good reason, she wasn't real in the first place!

Second issue: I found myself on meds that muted my emotions, my reactions, my life experiences...

This was very traumatic for me! Thats when I started questioning myself, and realized I didn't even vaguely recognize the chick in the mirror

Now, some people can adjust to this muteness, some welcome it with open arms, and they fair just fine. Some simply need their meds tweaked to lesson it, for some therapy to help adjust to it, and this is perfectly ok if the person is happy with this kind of setup. Which I think most medicated members are...

This was not the case with me though.

I didn't like mute, I couldn't identify with mute. I was perplexed one day when something happened and I did NOT sob uncontrollably and throw things in my room I couldn't understand it, and refused to accept it.

See for me (maybe because my bp has shaped alot of who I am, and I had grown to love that person) this was an unacceptable way of life. I cannot fathom going through life experiencing a fraction of my emotions when my volatility and sensitivity is an intrinsic part of my identity. I'd have to reshape years of growth and acceptance, and I didn't want to. Nothing about that option was appealing.

I wanted to be me again, I wanted to laugh so hard at stupid stuff I could wet myself. I wanted to be ecstatic just because, and be inlove with life so that I could have epiphanies and write gorgeous poetry, I wanted to hurt so bad I could bleed, I wanted to be me. The me I'd known and loved for so long.

I'm really really sorry about this long post, but I'm getting to the point, and didn't mean to make it about me.

Thing is this; there may be a myriad of reasons why you don't recognize yourself right now. Your job is to find out where you went, and provide a gps. If you have a T, they could be very helpful on this journey.

Maybe you just need to learn to adjust to the "new" you, or maybe you've gotten trapped somewhere just beneath the surface, and you need to learn how to emerge... 1 thing I find that helped to shine a light is passion. What is or was your passion, or atleast your favourite thing? Mine was/is music, but I lost that too. Listening to favourite tracks from years gone by was really like a time machine, it helped me with the first steps in getting re-aquainted with myself.

I'm really sorry for the lengthy post, I get carried away when I want to be as clear as possible.

I hope you find yourself soon

Trippin,

I love you(not in THAT way)but I totally identify with what you've expressed. My late friend and I(roomates in NIH, the US Government research hospital)had dark, crazy, politically incorrect senses of humor and we could talk on the phone for an hour, laughing and being crazy. Now that he's gone, that part of me, that part that is so essentially 'me' has been buried. My wife doesn't share that sense of humor. She thought of my friend and me as two 15 year olds. We were, in some ways! That's part of who I am. My dad also had an off the wall sense of humor and we played off each other like a comedy team. As I'm writing this, I'm tearing up. I don't want to lose that aspect of myself but I never made friends, easily, and the friends I make are friends for life. I miss laughing crazily, insanely. It's better than medicine. In fact, humor IS medicine, yet I fear I'm going to be sad and hurting for many years.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Trippin,

I love you(not in THAT way)but I totally identify with what you've expressed. My late friend and I(roomates in NIH, the US Government research hospital)had dark, crazy, politically incorrect senses of humor and we could talk on the phone for an hour, laughing and being crazy. Now that he's gone, that part of me, that part that is so essentially 'me' has been buried. My wife doesn't share that sense of humor. She thought of my friend and me as two 15 year olds. We were, in some ways! That's part of who I am. My dad also had an off the wall sense of humor and we played off each other like a comedy team. As I'm writing this, I'm tearing up. I don't want to lose that aspect of myself but I never made friends, easily, and the friends I make are friends for life. I miss laughing crazily, insanely. It's better than medicine. In fact, humor IS medicine, yet I fear I'm going to be sad and hurting for many years.

Awww Galactic! I love you in not that way too!

I hope you find someone to act like a kid with again, I hope your uncommon sense of humour emerges and that you find someone to enjoy it with! It is possible my friend. And with you making major changes in your life to improve your quality of life, list that as a goal, someone to laugh with till your belly aches!

The future is an unknown variable, don't condemn it before it even has a chance to unfold, instead strive to make it what you would like

I know that's not easy, I was condemning mine 2 weeks ago, but the truth is, we just don't know what lies around the bend and we just might miss it if we insist on closing our eyes

I have no fantasy that my life will magically become a bed of roses and that I'll have a pet unicorn who shyts rainbows.... But I'll be damned if I look back through the years and kick myself for not even daring to try to have the best life possible.

[Mack2]

I had a look for info on spirituality and really the only thing that I could find was related to the church or mediums. I live in Scotland and I'm not really sure what I'm meant to be looking for. I'm quite keen to try out spiritually but don't know where to look. I've googled it and nothing has come up. Can you give me some more info Genetic please.

[Mack2]

I spoke with my cpn yesterday, and she said they had just employed someone in my team who deals with spirituality and she's going to refer me. I'm willing to give it a try

[A Red Panda]

When I'm not sure of who I am anymore... and this happens more often than I ever care to admit... I think about this "A minute ago I was a different me. This me has lived another minute and has had new experiences. Tomorrow I will be an even more different me because I will have had all of those experiences."

Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't!

I tend to start to get worried/sad/freak out if I go too long without having really vivid dreams/nightmares. I have a love/hate relationship with them, because they're terrifying and I wake up drained in every manner... but they're a part of me and it feels like something's wrong if they aren't around.

[WidowReynolds55]

Hey Mack2!
WidowReynolds55 here. I totally get where you're coming from about not being able to find your independence anymore. I am almost 55 and since my husband passed away in January, I have no job, no income, no idea what in the world I'm doing half the time! My mom and sisters have been helping me out financially way more than I am comfortable with but right now, I really don't have a choice but to accept their help. Jobs are scarce...whenever I can haul myself up off the couch to get out and look for a job. Doc put me on Adderall and that helps me a lot with the lack of energy thing, but the truth is, I like being a homebody..being domestic. I took care of husband and kids for so long (and worked a public job, too) that I'd just as soon remain domesticated. I, too, really don't want to have to depend on meds to act like I'm alive, but right now that's just the way it has to be. I feel pretty useless and not needed since hubby passed and kids are moved out and have their own lives. They are wonderful kids, tho! I'm very lucky in that respect. I just hate that I don't have money to help them out when they need it. But I try to help them out in other ways. But anyways, i just wanted to pop in and reply to your post and tell you this terrible cliche saying....that things could always be worse! (I really hated to say that!) But it's true. I've learned to just try to take each day as it comes and remember....everyday above ground is a good day! Many hugs to you!

[Victoria'smom]

Your not a crazy nutcase. I have so many little quarks that it's ridiculous. I have had to find ways around them. I'm lucky to have my husband who's quarks are different. If you don't mind me asking what do you rely on your family for, maybe we can offer suggestions for more independents?

As far as the meds, mushy brains and future damage. Would you be able to see a future if you were unmedicated? Why did you choose medication? Are you in therapy? Why do you feel backed in a corner? Do you like your pdoc enough that your willing to discuss this with him/her? What did you like doing as a kid?

I know I question meds all the time and the PC boards, med containers, alarms, being handed meds & drink, my pdoc, my sig. and therapy help me stay compliant. I swear every three weeks me and T have the “why do I need meds” talk.

[Mack2]

Hey thanks for all the replies, I rely on my parents and family when I'm in meltdown ( just about every week) they help look after my daughter since she was about 11 months old, she's now 9. They take care of her when I'm in hospital. I'm pretty useless around the house when it comes to DIY so my dad helps out there. The often help me financially. The list goes on. I have never been unmediated since I was diagnosed, closest I've been is to stop quetiapine which resulted in a 4 month hypo followed by a serious crash ending up in hospital. I would love to stop all my meds but my family would go mental. I take 1400mg of lithium so that would take a long time to come off. I'm pretty unstable on meds so the thought if none worries me.
I literally don't stand on my own feet and take ownership of my life, I would never cope I do manage with my daughter most of the time but my ex has recently moved out and none of us want my daughter to be the first person to be aware of it. I'm lost because I had a great job 10 years ago. I used to teach, now my memory is gone and my nerves. I just don't know who I am anymore and if I over analyse it. I don't like what I've become

[Victoria'smom]

You should not be ashamed that your family helps so much. We have a cousin that lives with us solely to help with the house and our son. If you like teaching you may want to look into doing something at the library, community center 1x-2.5x a month or become a drop in tutor for the adult learning center. I'd seriously look at your meds since your unstable and feeling drugged. Maybe IOP during the day could help you stabling out and learn who you want to be.