Lying to T and pdoc

So not really lying, more like... not telling the whole story.

I have this strange thing that goes on in my head when I'm in a session. I guess it comes from years of hiding. I don't like to be seen as weak. I don't like to disappoint people. And I have a severe issue with trusting people. Particularly with my T and pdoc, both of whom I really don't like all that much. But... I'm giving it a chance.

So I find myself lying to them to make things not seem as bad as they actually are. I'm not saying it's even all THAT bad comparitively speaking, but I can't get past the mental block long enough to completely let my guard down. Every once in a while I'll say something and immediately feel dumb for saying it so I'll shut down and immediately minimize it... like I make fun of myself and downplay it. It's just a natural reaction I guess.

One example: Until recently I thought those voices I heard in my head... that "radio" that plays 7 stations at the same time... I thought that was normal. Seriously. I thought everyone had their own internal voices that liked to yell at them from time to time.

I meet with both of them next week and am nervous about telling them about it. I don't want anti psychotics... more than anything that's the last thing I want. So why mention it, especially to my pdoc?

If the 7 radio stations playing in your head don't bother you, why bring it up ? I personally would not. I am a bit of a rebel

Agree with you, Christina. If it's something you can live with and doesn't impact your functioning or endanger you or friends or family, let it slide, because once you tell the therapist or pdoc, "Looks like somebody needs an anti-psychotic." Of course, in my case, I can't take anything, so when I did tell my new pdoc that I used to hear voices and had hallucinations, all she asked was if I still have them and I told her only if I haven't slept for a couple of days. The way she acts, I think she rapid cycles like I do. Crazy patient, meet crazy doctor. Think Groucho Marx as Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush.

This makes me feel better about not telling them to begin with. The radio only bothers me when it keeps me up in the middle of the night. BUT, it's usually during a phase when I probably wouldn't be getting too much sleep anyway. I've learned to live with the other voices and it's not like their malicious... most of the time. Only when I get really depressed do hear the "They'd be better off without you" or "you really are a miserable little **** you know?" kind of thing. (Funny too is that the voice sounds like a feeble old lady most of the time.) But really, it's because I'm depressed anyway. It only further pushes an already negative mood. But it's clearly someone talking TO me rather than my own thoughts.

They don't really bother me too much all together, and it's not even a constant thing by any means. SOME times when I'm driving but I can still block it out or tell them to shut up.

I remember once when I was about, I want to say in the 4th grade, and I mentioned seeing people walking that weren't really there or seeing things in general that no one else would see (still happens very occasionally) and my friends seemed horrified. Pretty much from then on I just stopped talking about it and learned to live with it. But like you say, they rarely interfere with my day to day life. And when they do... I take the day off of work.

I know my view is different, and I certainly don't want to make you feel as though you're
being pushed to get you to do something you don't want to do, but do you really deep down
believe that you don't need to talk about these things with your psychiatrist?

You could be having some side effects from medications you're taking now and it might
be able to be cleared up by simply changing the meds you are on at this time.

You sound so perfectly normal in thought to me; I can't imagine that a psychiatrist would
consider you in need of strong sedatives to treat a psychosis.

I hope you will see your way clear to find a way to learn if it's being caused by current
meds rather than a very mild psychotic blip.

I just couldn't go with "an old woman's voice telling me that I was worthless". I don't
see how you can tolerate that. Even telling it to shut up is not enough!

So a couple of things if you have been having this since fourth grade you might actually miss the voices if you did take meds, two the meds might not even work, three there are some people called voice hearers that range around five percent of the population that just hear voices and its not pathological. If you're not worried about it and it's been a stable part of your life don't guilt yourself out for not telling pdoc and T. Although you might want to tell your T if they aren't particularly med pushing...but if your pdoc and T are associated watch out because people medicate variations they don't understand and pdocs aren't very understanding of the more colorful aspects of life. I was talking to my pdoc about psychics and he immediately said they were all scammers before I could even say anything. Anyway I think you're doing the right thing for you, but if they start interfering with your sleep too much you might want to try a med.

I had that and it went away as soon as I started taking mood stabilisers...

Kinda miss it as I had three strands of internal thought, the upper, boring me nd the nasty downer me. Now I just have boring me . I doubt your doc would worry about it unless its upsetting, I think it's pretty common.

Ironically I started hearing my name being called when anxious/down when I started taking antipsychotics

It happened more often prior to going on anything. (Including my blood pressure meds.) It's toned down significantly probably because I don't feel I've gotten depressed as much. And I haven't experienced anything dramatically negative in a week or so. With going to meet the pdoc and T next week I was just trying to work out what I would and wouldn't tell them about. And part of me kind of felt bad for not mentioning it to begin with.

When I'm in that place where I do hear the voices telling me I'm worthless I don't want to tell anyone about it. It's almost an embarrassment. I wouldn't tell anyone if I were suicidal (which is usually when the voices are at their worst) until after the fact. Can't explain it. I tried to tell my parents (my dad specifically) when I was younger and he flat out told me my depression was just me being lazy and I needed to stop being a spoiled ***** and stop crying. So I feel like I'm being selfish. I feel like an embarrassment. And I have no shortage of voices telling me so.

Really though, it's true that they don't bother me the majority of the time. And my pdoc is WAY not a med pusher. Which is one of the only reasons I'm sticking it out with him. He seems to have my general health in mind which I really appreciate.

I had this same thing when I got really depressed. It was like I had an internal play-by-play of how whatever I was doing was wrong.

I would say something, ask your therapist what the difference between hearing voices and internal dialogue is. I usually pose I need to tell my therapist in forms of questions.it opens up the discussion without feeling embarrassed to me. if you cannot sleep with the internal voices you probably need more help. if you do not want an anti-psychotic ask with the other options are. You do not have to take medication that you do not want to.

I tend to avoid talking about whatever the current issue is that's really bothering me. I dance around it, and will talk about something else that is bothering me - because I'll acknowledge if I'm not feeling happy or whatnot, but I refuse to actually talk about what. I tend to dominate the conversation when I'm like that because I don't want to give them a chance to hit upon the sensitive topic.

If they do hit on that topic or I can't figure out how to avoid it... then I spend the time worrying and feeling like a failure and like I'm being a burden. I won't be able to express myself fully (because I won't have my own thoughts and feelings sorted!) which just makes me feel awful. And I've got major trust issues too.... so if I talk about something that I've already dealt with interally then it's not a big deal. But talking about the current hurt is just way too risky to me.

I don't really have much to comment on with the voices... as I don't hear voices as far as I know. I often hear my name get called to find there was no one calling me, but yeah. And I get thoughts that aren't MINE but they come clearly from me as it's in my own voice. Tend to argue with myself like that. But that's the closest I can relate.

If it isn't something that really interferes with your life, and if you don't fully trust your T and pdoc, then I don't see a reason to bring it up yet. You can always bring it up later or if it starts to become an actual issue.

Other than cbt for psychosis which isn't readily available everywhere(ie in the us vs uk) there really isn't any other treatment than antipsychotics which is why she should not tell her pdoc....t on the other hand might be more open.

yeah this.

it's not lying. You don't tell to your reg doctor about things you don't want meds for either, right? Pdoc will just hand you pills for it. If you can live with it... that is your choice and no need to waste time.

I would always talk to T before pdoc to find out other options ie affirmation list, trained animal, different type of therapy, activities to do when it bothers you or even the option of a prn antipsychotic.

I trust my pdoc not to prescribe me meds I don't want, though, if I became psychotic, with paranoid, persecutory or grandiose delusions, I am sure he would advocate them strongly. I try to be honest with him about when I've gone of meds, though it wont be enjoyable telling him I went off them for a week. I promised him I would tell him if I wanted to quit meds so that we could discuss it. In this case it was a negative response to depression and I am back on them, with some of the original, very unpleasant side effects. I guess that is a reminder why I should be on them. I trust my pdoc almost implicitly and will tell him almost anything, except if I am an immediate danger to myself. I will lie to avoid being hospitalized again and I believe suicide is a right. I would probably admit to ideation without intent though.

well seems to me you are not alone!

my therapy is worse even exactly worse like maybe twice as bad as a job interview...it's like I'm applying for a freaking JOB TO BE MYSELF!

and everytime I swear it's easy for me I am so out of tune with myself but hyper in tune with everyone else I cannot contain this stupendous ability I can tell when the doc is uncomfortable!!

and I have no damn time to assess the reality of this amongst the social complexities during such emotional dyslexities!

so often I feel like I'm saving them from ME!
and I know it's true and why the hell not!??

it's so POSSIBLE that this individual might be in calamity and I'm just there and I can help them better than they help me and then I equally consider that's their tactic to play down and be all ******** and make me feel functional...asssholes ...either way!!??

whatever it is...??

if it aint GOD of the freaking UNIVERSE right there in that room I never feel like I can really let go!

so it usually happens much later!...by myself I flip out!!...and give myself the treatment!..

maybe these professionals are just catharsis?

I don't even admit to ideation, as I've learned this can get you locked up. While it's nearly impossible to hide mania, I'm very cautious when discussing suicidal ideation -- self-censorship is the key. Where I'm from, the hospitals are little more than human warehouses. I never want to wind up in the hospital again. No offense, but I really don't understand people who go to the hospital willingly. They'll have to drag me kicking & screaming.

I think with ideation it really depends on the professional. In my region, there is a significant shortage of psych beds, so you basically have to be a danger to yourself or others to be admitted. I know my pdoc doesn't want me in hospital for anything less as well. When I first started seeing him, I think he was worried that if he admitted me I would become a revolving door patient. He did have grounds to admit me though he didn't want to. I contacted him once when I had a very detailed plan, though not a specific date, and he called me to ensure I wouldn't act on it. We scheduled an emergency appointment the very next day and he didn't admit me. I did make sure I couldn't use the method though. Unless he believes that I will harm myself, or perhaps a child of mine if I have a postpartum reaction, I doubt he will ever admit me and I will never admit to suicidal intent.

There were a few times that I had considered it, but didn't actually follow through. The most recent time was about a month ago (maybe 2 months ago I this point... I dunno... time kind of blurs together recently... beside the point). But I had been driving around for about an hour and I crossed this bridge (a bridge infamous in my area as being the "suicide bridge"... so much so that the city put up "suicide screens" to stop people from jumping off... again... beside the point). There were a few times where I slowed down my car thinking "yes... yes... that looks like a good spot. There's a break in the screen right there. I think I can climb over that...". Things like that. I didn't... clearly. But at the end of the bridge was a hospital that is known for it's psych ward. (Ironic? Coincidence? Probably why the bridge was known to be the hot spot for jumping?... beside the point... again... sorry) At this point I had actually slowed down to the point where I was turning my car into the parking lot. (Crying.) But ultimately I decided that I really didn't want to deal with being officially... I don't want to say "crazy"... but maybe just "not well".

I would never do that either in a session. If I'm going to do it I'm probably just going to do it. For me it's almost an embarrassing thing. To have the intent. There have been a few times (mostly in high school) when I did tell my friends. And the trouble with that is that when you come out of it, you just feel dumb. At least I did.

I don't think there is anything u can tell your pdoc he hasn't heard before. He is there to make u mentally healthy. If your ok with your systoms then I wouldn't worry about it, but if it becomes to much to handle don't wait to talk to him about it, those voices can be tricky