[SunriseCoffee]

I'm on the downward swing today...heading towards a full-blown depression soon, I think. Getting a prescription called in for me on Friday, happily.

[Lizabelle]

I keep spiraling into depression....it's horrible. And there's not even much here to distract me from it, because I'm staying at my gma's for a week, where "chill" is the norm.

Also, I keep finding myself trapped in the paradox of "I really want her to buy me food (free food for me!), but then I'll feel obligated to eat it but I CAN'T ****ING EAT ANYTHING YOU'RE FAT ENOUGH ALREADY."

Ugh.

No safety net. Having given heart and soul without hesitation over and over and over again doesn't matter one bit.

Honest to God, I am so stupid. You'd think I'd know how it works after all these decades. Mattering is for others. Needing is for others. Asking is for others. Receiving is for others. Consideration is for others. Being given a damn about is for others.

This is how it is, and always has been in my real life.

But now I am exhausted. Can't do this anymore.

[TippPatt]

Going into the bathroom to get a cup of coffee just a bit ago. Obviously my mind isn't working very well today. I have to go see a dentist at 2 this afternoon to fix the upper part of my almost toothless face. It's just a consult but at least it's a start.

Yesterday had an 'online' discussion with one of the evil sisters. She say's she's going through finding herself. I wish her well in that and hope that she now has what she needs from me about my troubles with her. At least I put them all in writing, with as little upset as I was able to muster. Perhaps now she can work on the troubles she has and come to the enlightenment I reached some 30 years ago. That's been an issue with us - I've evolved, she hasn't. Maybe she'll listen, maybe she won't. Either way, it's only better for her if she does. It won't change my outlook much -- psyche ward, no visitors meant I no longer owed any of them anything. Maybe now she'll get it and stop seeing me as cold and uncaring. It's not that - it's survival for me.

I was also amazed that she said she thought asking me to die was doing me a favor --- as if that's ever a good answer. She thought it would help me to end the pain I live in every day. Seriously, could there be an agenda there? I think so - it was her elimination of me as a problem in her life - it had nothing to do with my well being. Suicide isn't a good thing for anyone. I wonder if she will consider that. I hope so.

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

No safety net. Having given heart and soul without hesitation over and over and over again doesn't matter one bit.

Honest to God, I am so stupid. You'd think I'd know how it works after all these decades. Mattering is for others. Needing is for others. Asking is for others. Receiving is for others. Consideration is for others. Being given a damn about is for others.

This is how it is, and always has been in my real life.

But now I am exhausted. Can't do this anymore.

I understand Innerzone. The odd time that someone actually treats me like that, like I'm somewhat worth the effort? I don't even know what to do and tend to end up a crying mess because I feel SO BAD that I must have been so miserable that they actually felt like they had to do something about it and just want them to go away because I don't want to be ruining their day - I have utterly no idea how to actually handle someone treating me nice.



As to myself: the last few days you'd THINK I'd be happier as I've actually been out with friends... and I was. But yesterday was a bit of a downward plummet in my mood. Had a few triggering things involving some other people.. nothing major, but enough for me to just be crying at home. It's weird though, how much I'm noticing on my mood chart about my sleep hours. Good day = not much sleep. Sad day = loads of sleep. Last night I was out for 9 hours.

Today is possibly going to have a trigger though - my aunt is arriving in town with some of my stuff. Which is exciting, yay stuff! But also nerve-wracking as I haven't really seen her since I up and moved out of her apartment with no notice... so I am thinking that today I may ask a friend of mine if she could come over and hang out for the evening..

[gayleggg]

Things haven't changed with me. I'm still deep into depression. But this weekend I did make myself get off the couch and visit a sick friend. I have been putting it off. She has COPD and is now on oxygen full time and in a wheel chair. I cry everytime I think of her going through this. She is only 56. I knew it would be hard for me to see her like this and it was. But we did have a nice visit. I vow to go see her more often no matter how depressed I am.
Gayle

feeling extremely insecure and so tired, I had about three hours of sleep because of Sunday upsets in my house with my husband.

Fighting back against the despair. I am doing my best to remain positive but its really hard when I take a good hard look at my circumstances; things are not looking good and the stress is slowly taking its toll and soon I may spiral if I don't take action.
My biggest fear is that even if I take action I will spiral anyway....THAT wont bode well for future evasive action.
Scratching my head, shaking my head, wondering just how the hell I did this to myself...with my own permission! GEEZE!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

I'm rather used to nightmares and really vivid dreams. They can make me not feel rested, but once I wake up and clue in it was a dream I usually get a good laugh out of it... so I don't mind them as at least I get cheered up in the morning!

I don't coach.. but last year I ran a writer's guild and ran the Talent Show. This year I think I'm going to run a Drama Club, along with the Talent show. And a friend and I are going to try to start up a community club.

good you have more funny dreams. I love those, when they come, which isn't too much. My background as a teacher was somewhat like yours tho, with English and journalism and a stint in spec ed also in the mix!

[anneo59]

am feeling overall better than I have in a while. Trying to be healthy, to enjoy life, to fix what I can, w realistic positivity. Seems to affect positively, usually, others around me. Just wanna stay away from mania!!!!!

[A Red Panda]

Anne: I wouldn't say they're funny dreams. They're usually quite terrifying or tear-inducing. But when I've been awake long enough I can usually laugh at them - but then, I also find horror films scary. I've yet to find a horror film that was scarier than some of my dreams.

I'm glad things are going well for you!

[comicgeek007]

I feel good. I still feel stable despite the panic attack last week. T talked about coping skills today.

I was also able to eat what I wanted without feeling guilty. Haven't been able to do that in nearly a year. Yay!

[SingDanceRunLife]

Feeling good today. Even though I went to bed super late trying to figure out why my internet wasn't working (ended up not figuring it out and sleeping on the couch since I like to have TV going while I go to sleep, and I usually do Netflix) and I had to get up early for work. Work was super productive, and I got praise from my manager which is always good, especially when you're new like I am (today was my 5th day of work, I did a project on my own, and I felt like I knew what I was doing).

back to my old inconsistent sleep patterns...so I am wide awake and have to lay down and calm a fully functioning brain....makes for some interesting dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I am awake or asleep.

[lil_better_everyday]

Feeling good. This is longest my moods have stayed in that "normal" 4-6 (on a scale of 1-10) at almost four months. I've had ups and downs, but nothing terribly severe or prolonged!

I think the Seroquel is making me gain weight, but hasn't been the intensely fast gain I've read others have. It's been motivation to get out and be more active too. And try and watch what I eat. But since the seroquel is apparently working- whatever. I'd rather be fat and happy (i.e. stable(ish)) than thin and rollercoasting it.

My art stuffs has been going well. Since I can't find a better job I'm a little worried that I won't be able to pay my family back for supplies in the set time frame. Luckily it's family and they have cut me enough slack in my 30 years on earth, what's another couple feet?

I have a 'kinda-date' tomorrow night. Just getting coffee with a girl that was in a band with my ex. Kinda weird, but she contacted me on a dating website I have a profile on, so I figured "what the hell?" and asked her to coffee. Could be great, could be terribly awkward. We shall see.

[SunriseCoffee]

Am so heading down...it's getting worse and worse every minute of every day.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Anne: I wouldn't say they're funny dreams. They're usually quite terrifying or tear-inducing. But when I've been awake long enough I can usually laugh at them - but then, I also find horror films scary. I've yet to find a horror film that was scarier than some of my dreams.

I'm glad things are going well for you!

Thank you!!!! And I'm glad you can cope with those scary dreams so well!!

[Victoria'smom]

Can't read, write, think, talk, or focus enough to understand. I feel stupid, but Miguel gets relessed tomorrow on soft foods

Feeling happy, content and peaceful! Haven't felt like this is months! Maybe recent addition of saphris? Whatever the case, I'll take my good moments when they come!

[comicgeek007]

Still eating healthy. Trying to push away the negative thoughts but it isn't easy. My goal is to be healthy, and also get my T to say I've recovered from my ED. I'm just barely not underweight, so I hope I don't have to gain much, if anything.

As far as bipolar goes, I'm not in an episode and I hope it stays that way for a good long time.

[A Red Panda]

I'm sincerely starting to piss myself off.

I'm eating like crap, but I don't know how it is I keep having so many dishes in the sink??? I have refused to put laundry away for a few days now, I've been irritated with well, just about everyone I've came into contact with or thought about for the last few days, I'm sleeping but it takes me forever to be tired enough to fall asleep and then am sleeping in uncharacteristically late so when I DO wake up I'm grumpy because it feels like I've wasted the whole day (keep in mind, I've been sleeping until 9am. And I don't have work as it's summer vacation. But when I got up at 9am this morning I felt like the ENTIRE DAY was gone). I did get some stuff done at work but not as much as I could have, and then I opted to not go to the grocery store or WalMart because I realized that I had no cash left and I didn't want to walk an hour there. And I randomly cry. So I've been mostly watching Parks and Recreation and not a whole lot else. Bah humbug!

I'm a crap person. My head can't slow down and my friends are not being great supports for me. They all have opinions about me. They think this and they think that, they think they understand but they don't understand squat. I'm so tired of being like this and not getting peace and not being understood by anyone I know. I'm not demanding they accept everything about me or forgive me for all the things I do, I just want them to stop thinking they know how I'm supposed to get better, why I am the way I am, how I ended up here, what I am able to do and what I am not able to do, who is in more pain than I am in and who is sicker than I am and who needs meds and what meds I need and how they are going to damage me. I'm SO tired of it all and I'm tired of the arguments and I'm tired of feeling alone and I'm tired of never getting peace and I'm tired of not sleeping enough and I'm tired of being a crappy person who never has the time to do the stuff that actually matters and never has the courage to answer the people who actually care (or to stop pretending nobody cares).

I thought getting a cold would slow me down. Want to get a knife and do the dumbest **** ever but what's the point. And do you know what the weirdest part is? I feel great! But I'm pretty sure I emit an aura of self-pity that makes everyone around me think I'm a self-absorbed, victim playing fool, which again makes me wonder if I now have enough valid reasons to finally kill myself. I'm just going to wait it out.

[comicgeek007]

I'm so tired all the time. I don't want to do anything but sleep.

[manymiles]

Feeling better than I have in a very long time. Finally at a therapeutic dose of Lamotrigine. Watching for rash with every itch and bump on my skin in an overly obsessive way has passed. Feels like such a relief to be here. Now only if it lasts.

Yet I realize it's so hard to read long posts on here today. oh well

[Moreta]

I'm doing alright. I just can't stop eating. I come home at night and eat until i go to bed. This is totally not cool. I'm just so hungry and my stomach hurts so much b/c I'm really hungry. I'm guessin it's the seroquel, but I've been on it for 2 months, and this is just a recent occurrence. So idk. Maybe it's the back meds they gave me last week. I don't want to gain all the weight back that I've lost over the past 6 months.