My life as undiagnosed BP (likely BP2) has caused my ex much heartache, grief, financial harm, and severe mistrust issues.
It has caused my daughter harm in that I moved out, and my behavior last year was very irratic and hateful. She was afraid of me for a while.
So here I am a year later...very much better but still undiagnosed. Being treated for depression but I know I am BP...there is too much evidence.
Financial mishandling
Unreasonable financial risks and spending
Living beyond our means...waaay beyond.
Hypersexuality (luckily all porn and not risky random partners)
Emotional affairs
Constantly changing my mind and direction about decisions
I spent months sleeping 3-4 hours a day max
Getting mad and exploding over simple things like my daughter spilling a drink
Thinking/acting like I was God's gift to humanity.
Telling people whatever they wanted to hear just to get them to STFU and leave me alone
I'd start talking to my then wife about one subject and half a dozen changes and 3 hours later I would finally shut up.
And many many more.

So I am on a mission to get my new T to hear all about it. She picked up on my hypo right off...i was talking to her and elevated right there and she called it! It was so awesome to hear it...completely unsolicited!
I suffered greatly in my own personal hell for over 30 years..self medicating, distracting, making excuses, blaming everyone but the culprit himself...me.
I have made my decision...its oh so clear and going to be a battle since I am my own worst enemy.
My enemy is between my ears and I have to stop letting him outsmart me.
That is going to be tough because he is very cunning, very deceitful, duplicitous, very subversive; a cheat, a liar, selfish, self serving and very charismatic to boot.
I have made some good friends here and if they read this dont want them to rethink anything.
The above is what the illness makes me out to be.
I am very kind, concerned, helpful, loving, caring...and intend to stay that way.
This whole BP thing has got to go.
Meds, therapy...whatever it takes...its gotta go and go it will.

Sorry about the long post...see....just puttin it out there, typing away and. ..dang this is long better stop now

[kala83]

having much better days have been very content and many not very much mania or depression has passed as of late.

[wiretwister]

feeling good but eating everything in sight

[A Red Panda]

Well. Today was quite the wasted day.

My successes: I cleaned the kitty litter and took out the garbage. And I remembered to eat a proper supper, but that is because I did not eat a proper lunch.

The rest of the day has been spent watching Netflix. Oh, and I had a nap that lasted nearly two hours. This is after sleeping 10.5 hours last night.

I don't know if it's my body playing catch-up from the poor sleep I got all August (and let's face it, I've had poor sleep quality since May), or if it's just the depression. Because again, last night I cried until I fell asleep and woke up and started crying. I am UTTERLY sick and tired of it.

[lostincornflakes]

My day?? Spent last night w my daughter and new grand daughter. I desperately needed some time away from home (too many triggers) and I actually had a great time and slept a good 7 hours. For weeks I've only been sleeping 3-4 hours Max. Now that I'm home again im feeling anxious and overwhelmed and feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions.

Feeling ok. I am awake after 5 hours of sleep. Went to sleep early when I put my kiddo to bed.
We had a good evening together. Worried about her mama...and me...oh boy lots of stuff to go thru this fall. Gonna wear this thread out in the coming weeks and months. I just hope its with posts of how I am handling things and not falling apart.

Today was a another good day mood wise. I cleaned the house, got on the bike, worked on the anxiety and cbt courses, read my book and watched some Dexter. It was productive but not what I had planned for today. Im still trying to figure out how to deal with this procrastination. I've read back over threads here and lots of people seem to relate but I havent found how to combat it. My books say its a symptom and it will go away when the cause is addressed. So I dont know if its meds or if its some deep down therapy thing.

[Phoenix_1]

I spent yesterday with my daughter and grandson. It was great. I was especially glad to see that she's coping better than she was a month ago. At Easter her 3 year old daughter (my granddaughter) died. My granddaughter was given 6 months to live last December - she had severe brain damage with cerebral palsy and epilepsy, so her death was expected but it's still so very hard when a child dies.

Yesterday we had a good day. I'm very grateful for my grandson - he's 5 and such a joy. He's so good to have around.

My boyfriend's back and as ok as you can be with fibromyalgia so I'm thankful for that too.

[wiretwister]

tried to cut my Depakote and Geodon meds back but having anxiety and beginning to pace will be going back to full dose tonight...

[LadyShadow]

Out of meds, and because its a holiday they can't fill it. Don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.

From a BP standpoint today was rather uneventful and I am quite happy about that.

[A Red Panda]

Well. yesterday was an anxious day for me. I went for dinner with a friend here in town who I haven't seen in months and months because I was dealing with too much depression to reach out to people who I hadn't seen on a regular basis. During a conversation a few days ago, found out that she also has bipolar. It was actually quite a relief to TALK to someone who gets it.... both about family crap and about bipolar crap.

I did notice that I talked a LOT though. Even though I'm very firmly still in a mild depression, when I get nervous I ramble. I definitely did that.

Woke up at 4am this morning. Today's the first day of work (sans kids), but my pdoc appointment is this afternoon. I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up - I can say that it's from eating cookies in my dreams because that made me feel ill, but I also recognize that it's stress about going to the pdoc and to work. And that I don't have any cash on me as I don't know where it went... so I am going to have to ask someone for a lift there during lunch.

[Phoenix_1]

Hugs to you Red Panda.

My thoughts are with all you teachers today and every day this school year. You have a very special and important job. I admire and respect teachers so much.

[Phoenix_1]

Today I'm very worried and anxious. I finally got up the nerve to tell my boyfriend that I have bp2. He said that's why he disappeared for 6 weeks this summer - he knew something was wrong with me but he didn't know what. I'm not sure if he'll just leave now forever. I just don't know.

[johnthorne1539]

Having an irritable hypo day. Not to the point of extremes yet, but I'm afraid it will ramp up later on--especially afraid as I teach a class this afternoon. Incessantly wringing my hands in front of my students probably wouldn't play out well, nevermind irrelevant ranting.

Feeling down a little because I feel like a bad wife and friend to my husband. It took all night for me to figure out why he was being so quiet and I realized it was the anniversary of his dad's death today. and I thought he was acting mad about something. He never talks about his dad. ever. I was going over in my head why September is such a terrible month for us and I was so focused on myself I didn't give two thoughts to him. So I feel very selfish and uncaring. And that isn't my usual way of being. So yeah. Not feeling like such a good person right now.

I held off the anxiety until 20 mins before work and it started to hit. Now I am on the verge of vomiting with the runs, shaking, dizzy, dry mouth etc. I was feeling great fighting it off but it just broke through. Oh well off to work and hope it passes in a few hours instead of sticking around the whole day. Its exhausting.

Worthless and useless.
Alone I shall be. Everyone is now safe.

[A Red Panda]

So I went to my pdoc appointment.

I get there, and went to where I normally meet my T because I wasn't sure where to go for the pdoc. Got directed where to go, but they wrote my name down as I wasn't sure if my T was going to be there for the appointment.

Go upstairs to where the pdoc was (I wasn't sure what floor it was). No one was there so assumed htey were on lunch. Eventually an old man showed up (more than once) and then he asked me who I was waiting for. So I said I had an appointment with my pdoc for 1pm. Got told that he wasn't in that day, and that the old man was filling in for him? And the old man had no record of me having an appointment.

He tried to talk to me a little bit, I said that I was needing a change in meds... and then I pretty much fled as soon as I could possibly do so. Got outside and sat on the nearest bench (right near the door I would go in for my T actually) and burst into tears... so I was playing some games on my phone to calm myself down.

Then my T found me and was like "Will you stay right there? You were supposed to have an appointment!" so I guess he was going to be sitting in it with me as he was aware that my pdoc wasn't there. So I sat outside and he came back out and said that there was an admin error. He said we could wait and see if the 1:30 appointment didn't show up to see the replacement.. but no. I did not want to see or talk to the old man.

Instead I had an almost 2 hour long appointment with him I guess. Started to cry a lot. Talked about a lot. I think he's ok with me not doing any of those worksheets anymore and said that they were filler to get me thinking more. So yeah.

Then I had to go to a social thing afterwards as I'm on the social committee for my union. It was really hard.

Feel really drained and got home and started crying.

[lostincornflakes]

Tired of being the only driver at home. I am not a people person and do just fine when its just my mom and I. However her god son has been here 3 weeks now and another friend is staying on our couch. This is driving me nuts and I'm hiding in my room more than ever. I've lost all motivation to do anything and realize this has been going on for quite some time.

[Phoenix_1]

I'm worried and anxious and sad and I have so much to do before my knee replacement surgery that it's all driving me crazy. My lists have lists. Thank goodness for smart phones - I wouldn't have a clue without mine right now. It tells me where to go and what to do and when to do it.
Today I'm applying for provincial disability. I had to wait 2 weeks for this appointment. When I called to make the appointment the woman on the phone said it would be rubber stamped because I was approved in April, but what if it's not? I'll be homeless as soon as I get out of the hospital.
I want to move to another building (I live in government housing) for medical reasons and they're coming to do an assessment on Friday. So I have to clean the entire apartment from top to bottom. All I got done yesterday was the living room. I hate cleaning and it stresses me out. The only time I like cleaning is when I'm burning with anger - then I really scrub every thing extra good - it gets my frustrations out.
And my lease is up for renewal and they need all these details (that they already have on file BTW) about my income for the past 12 months, and my 2012 income tax forms and so on and so on. Sigh.
I have to fill up my freezer and cupboards with food because I won't be able to shop after knee surgery. I have to see if I can get my prescriptions delivered to my apartment.
What next? Why me? Why now? I have to be in the hospital in 8 days, and I'll be out of commission for weeks after knee replacement surgery, so I have to get this all done NOW. This pressure is really getting to me. I am so not good under pressure.

[Jesster77]

I'm not sure if it's okay to check in if I just got here last night. However, I figured if I'm in the wrong place, someone will tell me.

I was just diagnosed with Bipolar 2 after a suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was also diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm generally feeling down right now.

I feel like I'm a burden to my loving husband and children (4 boys). We've kept the specifics on the DL when it comes to the kids, but they know I was in the hospital because I was really sad and needed medication to help me.

I have a history of pushing people away and/or getting out of Dodge when my anxiety is high and the impulsiveness of it all kicks in. The last thing I want is to leave my family, but I just feel so broken.

By the way, I've been noticing the meds listed in the signature lines, so it might be relevant to list what I'm on:

Lamictal (100 mg)
Latuda (120 mg)
Neurontin (300 mg x 3)
Klonopin (.5 mg)
Trazodone (50 mg)

I look forward to getting to know you all. I'm sorry for the long post; I'm a writer and teacher and I tend to be rather long-winded.

Best,
Jesster

[Phoenix_1]

[quote=Jesster77;3260520]I'm not sure if it's okay to check in if I just got here last night. However, I figured if I'm in the wrong place, someone will tell me.

You're in the right place. WELCOME

Suddenly can't get enough sleep. Odd.

[deelooted]

I cannot believe how much better I feel starting from yesterday... it is almost as if SNAP! and the clouds of depression were just washed away. I got to see my pdoc, too, and she was able to verify that this is not mania, but actually might be my new "normal"!

It has taken a few months and a few meds to get here. The combo I am on now has been what I have been on for a full month, and waiting for them to kick-in was excruciatingly difficult.

However, I am so grateful for my wife for her patience and love, my pdoc for her amazing encouragement and ability, and this community that helped me make it through the tough weeks. A big thank you to you all!

I might be able to write a success story here pretty soon just giving it another week or so to see if it sticks!