[A Red Panda]

Purple: Telling us here is great. I hope you find the courage to take the next step and tell someone who is a professional and in a position to help you!! I am hoping for the best for you!

Today I am pretty sure I'm dying of the heat. I dunked my cat in the bathtub yesterday to help him cool off. I'm essentially a zombie because it's too hot to do anything - which is really annoying because I actually ahve a lot of energy and WANT to be doing things but I hate hate hate being sweaty just standing still!

Last night I sorta flipped out on an ex of mine. We're friends, but it's mostly one-sided. I've always been his support that he's gone to, time and time again. But as soon as he's feeling good about life, he's right back out of mine. I don't know why I keep letting him back in and helping him - because he has never once supported me, aside from when I had OD'd when I was 15. He was good then. But since then? Never.

Stupid hot weather.

I messaged my friend A about the fact that I'm not going to her province to visit this summer. She was good about it, but I'm still rather paranoid about what she's actually thinking because it's hard to trust someone's word when you don't actually trust them. I am, however, excited to see my friends as I haven't seen them for over a year and they're most certainly my most stable friends. It's by far the best decision for me.

Pretty sure the heat is affecting my thought processes though. My thoughts are about as muggy as the temperature! lol

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

Last night I sorta flipped out on an ex of mine. We're friends, but it's mostly one-sided. I've always been his support that he's gone to, time and time again. But as soon as he's feeling good about life, he's right back out of mine. I don't know why I keep letting him back in and helping him - because he has never once supported me, aside from when I had OD'd when I was 15. He was good then. But since then? Never.

I have this same issue a lot. I'm a hell of a grudge holder, but I'm sucker for people that are going through a hard time and need help. But whenever something like that happens I just end up feeling used.

I can also relate to hot weather disdain.

Today was our 4th of July "picnic" at work. I mean it was great to get free food and all, but I was WAY not in the mood to deal with a gigantic group of people today. My department is one thing. I don't mind them so much. But there must have been... 300 people... easily. I was SO happy when there was one table in the far back corner that was empty so our entire department could sit there. I staked out the corner spot and didn't say too much. And actually... I didn't eat too much either. Just couldn't. A combination of hot weather and I really just don't like people watching me eat.

Now I'm just dead. Being social today really took it out of me.

[johnthorne1539]

Sucks, Cheshire; I've spent most of my life as the "intellectual *****" guy... you know, "Tell me something interesting", where girls for whom I am a sucker talk to me only when they're single, to make themselves feel better. Blech.

So I've traveled home for a few weeks for the first time in a very long while, to visit and help with some family things (mostly people moving). It feels good in a lot of ways to be in a different environment (especially one that isn't so hot), but it also seems to make me more susceptible to episodes of both poles. Right now I'm floating on what feels like a pretty decent bout of hypomania, getting a lot done, but it's all tinged with frustration. I'm typing about a hundred-and-twenty words per minute, but it doesn't all quite connect; the words aren't really flowing and my ideas seem logically structured one second and all over the place the next. I think the finished project is workable, i.e., easily edited into something worthwhile when I'm in a calmer state of mind, but I'm not entirely sure.

I suppose I'm motivated/angered by having received rejections for two papers submitted for conferences in a 24 hours span. Meanwhile, three colleagues who submitted for the same conferences were accepted. One of whom is behind me in our program. hate to admit it but I'm jealous. And bitter. But also motivated to write more, do more, achieve more. Blargh.

[gary290]

I've been on vacation for a few days. Trying to do sunlight therapy everyday. It's helping some I think. Really enjoy being away from work. Much more relaxed. Enjoying spending time with the family.

[Lizabelle]

I haven't seen this thread before...has it really been that long since I got on PC?

Anyways, everything just slid downhill last night. I felt as though I had finally gotten Sisyphus's rock up the hill, and it would be fine- but no. We're moving, AGAIN. I knew that we were changing houses, but the plan was to stay in the same town. But, NOOO, now we're moving back to the city where I was originally institutionalized and where all of my family lives (and I don't get along with any of them).

It's going to be my junior year, and I had finally made some real friends here. Now, I'll have to spend my junior and senior years of high school trying to fit in and not collapse.

Just. Great.

[roads]

Oh, ((((((( Lizabelle ))))))) I am so so sorry! This is just NotFairNotFairNotFairNotFair--and we are here as your support as you struggle with this.
all you want if that helps any--promise I'll be empathetic!
Roadie

[Moreta]

I'm pretty excited. My husband was accepted to Wake Forest University for their MBA program. I got to leave work early, so that's a plus. We're going down to my husband's dad's for a cookout, so hopefully that will go smoothly.

No sign of it today....and isnt that what makes it so much FUN anyway?!?
One minute you are just rockin along then "trigger" and you are down in the dumps and then you level yourself out then "trigger" and you are hypo'n your self crazy!
Ahhh...just LOVE this stuff.
And if you believe that you'll but THIS watch

Things improved considerably yesterday when BF came around from having been in a very bad place. (I should write a post, because such times cause me very great confusion and fear, and I could really use some advice in specific areas of it. But it is hard.) Anyway, work yesterday was quite stressful (and before receiving the relieving text from BF, it was getting altogether too much and was close to sending me around the bend. Actually did send me around the block when I walked out! Lol, I'll take the block over the bend. ) Anyhow, have 4 days off. Actually prepared a real meal last night (first time in about a week and a half... lazy, the heat etc.). So far, so good.

(My mood (distinct from emotions) isn't determined by such times as these with BF, but damn, the stress. The aspect of feeling very overwhelmed it has in common with my depressions, but the other key indicators are missing. Just FYI. Compelled to share that for some reason. Clarification, maybe? It's like a lifting of a load, not like a coming out of depression.)

[A Red Panda]

Moreta: I hope the cookout's good!

SpirtofaStorm: Triggers are a pain in the butt! Although I do like it when I get triggered right out of a bad mood!

Innerzone: I'm glad that things are better!

As to myself: I got up the guts to call the guy from Mental Health. He was supposed to call me almost two weeks ago... and hasn't. I was getting paranoid that maybe he thought I was too nuts to work with.. or that I just don't matter. Or that maybe when he said he would call me Monday he meant that I was to call HIM on Monday..... or that I somehow misunderstood, or that maybe I'd left the wrong phone number....

But at the same time, I also didn't want to actually go and see or talk to him. So not having a call was ooook.

So I got up the guts to call the place today (after getting a mutual friend to pass along the number I actually needed and his last name as I didn't know it...) I called. Got put through from the receptionist and got a voice mail. I got as far as hearing that he'd been out of office from the 26-3.. and hung right up! That meant he had 2 days to call me when he didn't, but you know, a few days is forgiveable. But I didn't leave a message cause I'm a chicken, and even though a friend scolded me and said that I should call back and leave a message... I was scared to do it because I didn't want the receptionist to recognize my voice.

So.. maybe I will try again tomorrow. He was probably quite busy today getting caught up on whatever he would have missed at work.

[TippPatt]

Sorta here, sorta not. I'm finding that whatever I'm doing, I have in the back of my mind some of the horrible things I've gone through based on one of my triggers. In this case, my oldest sister. It's possibly because she's supposed to have provided me with a phone number but has yet to do so. I take it as I'm simply not important to her in her world. Although that sounds really harsh, I also know it to be true.

Not many have sisters who have said to them "I wish you'd just die". I could accept that as just spouting off if we were pre-teens. However, we're in our mid fifties and she's said it several times. One day I might just be pushed to the point of accommodating her, I fear. It sits with me a lot. ::

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by johnthorne1539

So I've traveled home for a few weeks for the first time in a very long while, to visit and help with some family things (mostly people moving). It feels good in a lot of ways to be in a different environment (especially one that isn't so hot), but it also seems to make me more susceptible to episodes of both poles.

I don't know much about your situation, but I do know that you are around some who are minor triggers to you - hopefully, no major trigger people.

Come here and write it out while you're home if it gets too tense. You certainly don't want to burn any home fire bridges while you're there. It will only bring pure anxiety when the end of year holidays come.

Here's hoping you can simply love while you're home and avoid all the 'messy' bits. As to the guys who were accepted and you weren't. Just know there will be a day when YOU are on the top and they will feel the jealousy you now feel. Knowing that is always a bonus.

Cheers and keep your head up.

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

As to myself: I got up the guts to call the guy from Mental Health.

Call him on Monday - the Sec won't realize it's you - and you know you need to speak to the guy. Holidays always make people distracted. Fridays area a no workie kind of day. That means Monday is your day.

Good luck --- and make the call. I'll be watching to see if you did it. I know you can - I KNOW it.

[roads]

Originally Posted by TippPatt

Sorta here, sorta not. I'm finding that whatever I'm doing, I have in the back of my mind some of the horrible things I've gone through based on one of my triggers. In this case, my oldest sister. It's possibly because she's supposed to have provided me with a phone number but has yet to do so. I take it as I'm simply not important to her in her world. Although that sounds really harsh, I also know it to be true.

Not many have sisters who have said to them "I wish you'd just die". I could accept that as just spouting off if we were pre-teens. However, we're in our mid fifties and she's said it several times. One day I might just be pushed to the point of accommodating her, I fear. It sits with me a lot. ::

Any chance she might have early onset Alzheimer's? Throwing that phrase at very close loved ones for no reason is a typical sign. You might want to check it out--could have nothing whatever to do with you.
Just a thought.
Roadie

[TippPatt]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Any chance she might have early onset Alzheimer's? Throwing that phrase at very close loved ones for no reason is a typical sign. You might want to check it out--could have nothing whatever to do with you.
Just a thought.
Roadie

Yeah, it was/is rash. Frankly, I think she's stuck at age 14. Knowing that a mental disease manifests itself differently in a genetic line, and that symptoms can come at any age, I think she'll end up being a hoarder more than anything. She's got control problems big time and tends to believe that 'everything' is hers, including my children. So no, I don't think the Alzheimer's is going to be prevalent (not much in my family at all, if any), although I do believe that eventually some event is going to trip her up. It frightens me for her, but she wouldn't listen to me anyway, so I'll simply have to sit back, wait, and try and help when that happens.

Rather difficult to do with someone who wishes you such ill will, but I'm stuck between complete disconnect and knowing she's my blood and believing, because of that one fact, that I owe her on some level.

[TippPatt]

Talk about uncomfortable! I've been up since 4 am - racing thoughts. And now it's 9:30. There was some activity by a neighbor around 7 am so I slipped a house dress on with nothing underneath. Never did I imagine I was 'showing' somewhere. Well, about five minutes ago, after coming back in after paying the lawn guy, Poppie decides to say, "You know, you can see completely through that dress".

Holy Mary, Mother of God !! I'm totally tripping now. I pray those meds I took at 8 am kick in with a vengeance like immediately. Shoot, now I've got flop sweat.

ARG !

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by TippPatt

Talk about uncomfortable! I've been up since 4 am - racing thoughts. And now it's 9:30.

This is my day too! I got to sleep around 1:30 and then woke up at 4 and really wanted to get up and do some laundry. But since I had to go to work today I tried to get back to sleep. I finally got back to sleep around 5:30 and then woke up again at 6:30 (a half hour before my alarm, might I add.)

But all in all I'm in a pretty fabulous mood today. I think my festive red, white and blue nail polish is really helping.

And the coffee. That always helps.

Originally Posted by TippPatt

Not many have sisters who have said to them "I wish you'd just die". I could accept that as just spouting off if we were pre-teens. However, we're in our mid fifties and she's said it several times. One day I might just be pushed to the point of accommodating her, I fear. It sits with me a lot. ::

DONT YOU DARE!!
Don't you let some loose lipped bozo (i dont care if she IS your sister!) con you into an early exit! NO NO NO!
That kind of sibling bullying MUST STOP!
I am an only child and so help me when I was younger, I would listen to all the sibling bickering and fighting and say "Thank you God I don't have to put up with that crap"
If she cannot be supportive, then cut her loose.
None of us are in any position to accommodate those who only wish to hold us back and kick us when we are down.
Hang in there!

[gary290]

Tipp - I'm so sorry that your sister said those things. I have a sister that is pretty critical and I know the pain that can cause. But to say the things she said is inexcusable. I agree with Spirit - You can't let her get to you (easier said that done I know).

Bipolar symptoms have much improved since going on vacation. I'm so fearful that as soon as I get back to work I'll go down the tubes again. But jobs are hard to come by. And other factors contribute to me staying there. I know I need to reframe my thoughts about the job. So hard to change!

[A Red Panda]

Try viewing the job as a means to an end. When you're not happy at work, think about the things that it gives you that does make you happy - or daydream about whatever it is you're saving up for next!

And then think about the grossest most horrible jobs you can, and be glad you're at least not in that one!

[roads]

My pdoc sees my decision to pursue cervical vertebrae surgery as a sign that I'm functioning well, handling difficult decisions well.
I guess we'll see whether this is a good decision or not. I do feel meds are keeping me balanced--I feel sad when bad stuff happens to someone, happy when there are good things going on. No hypomania for over five yrs, a dreadful five-month drop into a depression that brushed up on the suicidal several months ago. That was largely physically-based, though.
The pain continues, but the bipolar disorder does seem in a maintenance state. pdoc!!

All is in check for the moment. Has been a pretty good week.
There is stress coming next week...triggers to be encountered...I don't do well with extreme stress and it's looming.
I am remarkably calm in the face of it...not at all like me, and its completely unmedicated. I have been off meds since mid-March of this year.

[A Red Panda]

I am exhausted. Yesterday I got really tired part way through the day, (after like a week of actualyl getting 8 hours of sleep!) and last night I slept for 9.5 hours. I've woken up EXHAUSTED today. I don't get it!! It is annoying me. I just spent two months getting very very little sleep and wide awake... and now that I seem to be caught up I'm exhausted?!

Stupid body and it's messed up sleep patterns!

[Nessa213]

Cheshire: I remember when my daughter first started sleeping through the night. She was about a year old and for the entire first year of her life she was still waking up at least twice a night and for literally a year, I was incredibly sleep deprived. The first week she finally slept through the night I started getting 8+ hours of sleep of night and I actually found myself being MORE tired than I had been for the previous year! I don't understand it either!!

I have my first total night off (I mean night off from being "mom") that I've had in a very long time. I should do something productive. I had literally the most productive day that I've had in SUCH a long time up until I sat down about an hour ago. (Which really was the first time I'd sat down, other than driving of course, since about 7:30 this morning.) I did a lot of laundry, I did some kitchen cleaning, I even washed the bedsheets!, and I cleaned out the car, and I went to a family reunion today and enjoyed myself! (the hell!?)

[A Red Panda]

I'm used to being tired for a bit right after I go back into a more "normal" sleep habit... but this is a week later!

I've spent all day exhausted, I had an hour long nap, and I have the biggest headache And I keep crying. Over what? Who the h*** knows. All sorts of stupid stuff. bah.