[TippPatt]

CheshireCatGrin: I can so relate. I felt that way at 16 - I was NOT going to talk to anyone about what I felt. I held on to that until the big crash at age 27. At that point, since it was the most frightening thing to me - (I envisioned a plastic bracelet on my arm saying 'Psyche Ward - No Visitors) - I decided that all bets were off with everyone at that point. I owed no one anything then. To have put me in a position to have to do the one thing I was so frightened of sent me into a 'screw you' mode to everyone - friends, family, my children, husband, bosses - the entire lot.

I think that attitude as you enter this may help you. You're doing this for no one but yourself, and 'screw 'em' if they don't get your fear. Just go, breathe, and finally tell every weird thing you've been holding in. My first shrink, whom I call 'God John Bovey', told me when I first went in -- that if your world isn't going as you like and you are behaving badly all you have to do is stop it. He said when I understood that, my time with him would end. It took three years.

You can do it too. Trust him/her. Believe me, there are stranger people on the planet than you are. I guarantee it.

Now as to me today --- I'm sort of loopy. I've been put on this new drug for the back problem I have - pretty bad, up to morphine and more - now I have the generic of lyrica and they're phasing it in for me - 1 a day for a week, 2 a day for a week, 3 a day - and then I'm on it for good.

What frightens me is the side effects - suicidal thoughts - for me, they are there every damned day - so I've asked my dad, who lives with me, to keep an eye on me to see if I'm stranger than my normal strange.

At the moment, I seem to be sort of scattered - and I can prove it - I'm doing laundry ----- LAUNDRY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OMG, I HATE LAUNDRY!!

[johnthorne1539]

All over the place today; nothing too bad, in part because nothing is too prolonged, but I'm feeling extremely lonely one minute, anxious the next, irritable after that, alright the next minute, shuffle and repeat. Needless to say, I haven't been getting much done! I think Facebook has been contributing--been looking at the profiles of old flings and crushes, and I'm pretty sure that can't be healthy.

I hate Fridays; the structurelessness of a weekend without any plans looms like some sort of monster that's going to send me spiraling in one direction or the other... or both. To make matters worse, it's so damn hot right now that doing anything outdoors just sounds miserable. Free weekends aren't so bad, I find, if you can spend them in the park or walking around a nice neighborhood, but when the heat index is pushing 110, who wants to be outside?

Ugh.

[Nessa213]

So blah today. I feel beat down a little bit. It's quarter to nine and I could totally go to bed right now. I want to have something interesting to say... and where there should be thoughts... where there is usually chatter... there's nothing.

I've written about 3 replies to other threads, and tried to start a few threads but I've deleted them all. No one really would care what I have to say anyway.

[bipolarOne79]

Got up for work today and was barely able to work for an hour so I called out and wound up sleeping till around 5pm. I feel okay now though.

[jesusplay]

bipolar NOS, unmedicated for 3 months with no insurance and if I had a gun I would have killed myself today.

[A Red Panda]

Nessa... I care about what you have to say. Try to enjoy having a quiet mind! I never know what to do when I've got an empty one either... but I try to just go "aaaahhhhhhhh" and relax and enjoy the nothingness.

What's so bad about admitting to myself that I'm in a mixed episode and it's neither here nor there?

[Darth Bane]

today i was not stressed but just half hour ago my friend tried to lecture me how my whole career is going to hell and all... but i think this self destructive behavior of mine was due to bipolar. i am not depressed/manic now and i am trying to recover my life as best as i can... ok, i don't have much money right now but i don't think i am alone here who has that problem... maybe someday i will be rich.. but even then life will be equally meaningless... maybe someday i will get married, we will have cute daughter and i will get golden retriever... i would prefer that to being rich... bipolar taught me at least that... i got my priorities straight... and if i have less money and those so called normal people, if they think i am loser, then they can just shove it... and i will get "boy" dog and i am going to name him "snow white" if my so called friends think it is crazy they can shove it too...

[downtoearthgirl]

Life is great

[Nessa213]

Someone needs to drag me away from Amazon!

[~Christina]

Nessa, Put down the Amazon

[roads]

79° inside at work today and besides migraine all the muscle and joint pain worsened. Love my job, need to work for financial & mental health--but 8 of us suffer because of the inside temperature. Last boss kept it at 70-72, but she's moved on to a better job.
The bipolar in me wants to go to the next boss up andtill my voice gives out!!

National Optical Astronomy Observatory: vdB 141 South


Space dragon, space dragon, does whatever a space dragon does.
Are they coming for us?

[TippPatt]

I got some news yesterday about a trigger of mine. This morning I woke up very sad, crying and dwelling on the unfairness of it all. I happened to catch Joel Olsten and got the message to change the way I attacked a problem in my life. Instead of doing what I normally would do, which is wallow in my sadness and send a message to those who knowingly hurt me again, I will have to find another way to express how terrible I think this news is and how it destroys me every time it happens. This check in is the beginning of that. Later today, I'll open my thread and spill it out in the best way I know how, but I won't reach out to those who've hurt me to let them know.

That is a big change for me.

[roads]

Terrific new coping strategy for you, TippPatt--major kudos!
Sending waves of strength and healing your way ~
Roadie

[A Red Panda]

Congrats TippPatt!! Learning new coping strategies is always great

Wow I am just all over the place...rapid cycling up and down...just can't get a grip on it this morning; I am sure it's the stress I am under right now....should be coming back into the normal range here in the next hour or so...oh boy I sure do hope so!

My disability is up for review. I'm dealing with the paperwork today and cleaning my apartment. Stressed but I gotta face it.

[roads]

sometimes my battle to overcome mental illness strikes
me as attempting the most difficult dance combinations ...
landing me 7 times out of 10 on my butt till I "get the skill."

"We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is
overwhelming." ~ Wernher von Braun

Wishing everyone here a boost from the moon's closeness
Roadie

[A Red Panda]

I'm feeling pretty sad today. Yesterday was a great day, but today I keep thinking about my friend who said those rather unsupportive things to me the other day. Yesterday she'd sent me a message to ask if I was coming over (she was having a few people over) and I'd said no because I had other plans - which I did. Originally the plan had been to go to hers... and I would have liked to. But how could I? I'm not happy about her, and I don't currently feel like I trust her.

I've got a lot of trust issues, and I'm aware of it... but right now I feel like I can't ever talk to her about any of my problems again. Why would I go over to visit when I feel like that? I don't get over things quickly, especially when I know that the other person doesn't feel even a bit of remorse about it.

Bah.

[Moreta]

I'm ok today. Kinda pissed off though. I picked up my glasses this morning and the screw had fallen out, so I'm without glasses today. It's ok though, since they're very weak glasses. I hope I don't get a headache.

My back still hurts. I gave up on the steroids b/c I keep forgetting to take them. I go see my back dr on the 8th. I'm gonna ask for some lidocaine patches and see if that will help.

[gary290]

Back at work today. Having to use positive self talk to deal with stupid people. There's a person at work who always puts me down, so I complained to my boss about her. She's going to write an email. In the mean time I only have this week and then 2 weeks vacation (really a stay-cation). But I have a reading list to complete and some time in the sun. Should be great. Time to reconnect with my wife.

I spent Saturday outside and in the family room all day - no isolating - and I felt better. Still had the feeling of wanting to flee - but I didn't. Enjoyed some Dr. Who time yesterday. Found some cool free cognitve therapy podcasts on itunes...listening to those as I go to sleep at night. It's been helpful!

Happy Monday!

[manymiles]

Sad today but who gives a crap. I'm tired. does it ever get really better? A good day, a lucky few weeks, gee great. Same mess forever mostly.

I was very sad this morning but not sure BPD2 had anything to do with it.
I am grieving my lost marriage and tackling my addiction to sex and my codependancy.
I am pretty sure its not connected to the BPD2.
I am questioning if I REALLY have it now that I have researched my addiction more.

[TippPatt]

Avoiding the huge moon and afraid of the coffee pot. Skittish as all get out. Taking some time to read and reply to my fellow BiPolars.

Oh, and decided to type out some of my 'issues' into my diary I have on line now. But not today, unless I feel more introverted that I already am. I need to do it, I just don't know when I can.