[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by anneo59

Living somewhere isolated sounds pretty appealing, in many ways. Not my case or choice, but think I'd try it maybe if I could. Take care!

I hate it. I'm here for work because I am a practical person, but I hate hate hate hate being isolated. It's very much a trigger and is the reason why I am going about getting diagnosed and on meds. I hate feeling trapped somewhere, and boxed in. I'm so stuck here, and it's too small of a place for me to really even escape for a night - there's no where to go, and too few people to really have multiple social groups. They'll all know each other to some extent.

And I HAVE to spend my time in places where I could run into coworkers, parents of students, other friends. I can't escape and I have no variety and I need to have both of those. It's like a larger scale version of the house I grew up in - I can't really act like me without having to worry a great deal about how it will be taken.

That, and a lot of the variety and just being able to get away for even a few hours - those are some of my major coping strategies for myself, and I have zero access to them here.

Overall... it's horrendous. I've got a nice job and a nice apartment and the friends I've made so far are quite nice (keep in mind that within a year I've gone through 3 groups of friends already!)... and yet being stuck here kills me. It's bad for my depressions and it's bad for my Ups.

/end rant!

[gary290]

I took myself off of the risperdal after 4 years. I didn't think it was helping plus the weight gain. It was a rough week but better now. That just leaves the effexor. So far so good. Not as irritable. Fairly stable mood. Also quit the caffeine.

[Moreta]

I hurt so bad today. I can barely walk. I have to grab onto stuff to keep me up. I hate my back. I took a hydrocodone that I stashed, but it has done nothing. I have an ice pack on my back, and it doesn't even feel cold, maybe the area is numb? I have no idea. I probably need to go to the ER and get a shot, but I don't want to leave work. Maybe I'll go tonight. My pain level is about a 9.5. I just want to cry I hurt so bad. I don't even think laying down will help.

[Darth Bane]

i have this annoying headache today. lately i have noticed this headache is there whenever i am depressed, it is weird. currently i am experimenting new coping technique with mania and depression, whenever i am depressed or manic i don't waste my energy to fight it, i accept it and try to recover from it... i think i will be crushed if i directly fought it and worse it will make mania/depression more serious. i am depressed now and i will try to get out of it small step at a time.... hopefully it will work...

[A Red Panda]

I would like to state that today, I have been running on 2.5 hours sleep and NO FOOD AT ALL - I forgot to eat breakfast cause I opted to have a shower in the morning (normally I shower at night) and I forgot my lunch. No sleep and no food and near the end of the school year with hyped up students - yeah. I had a LOT of energy and in an excellent mood! Pretty giggly by the end of the day and rather unfocused though...

But yeah. I suppose I should make supper, but I am not hungry and the only thing I'm craving are french fries which I don't have. lol. Or sushi or pad thai, but we don't even HAVE those in this town.

[gary290]

Moody today. Don't want to be at work. Like you Darth Bane I'm just observing the thoughts and moods - not fighting them. Practicing acceptance and trying to move in a positive direction despite how I feel.

[ItsJustMe:)]

My mood today so far okay.. although i have not left for work yet who knows how it will be after a full day of listening to people gripe about everything under the sun.. I am feeling extremely anxious and nervous but that's everyday before I get to work.

Definitely the more negative stress I encounter the more unstable I become.
The ex just had to pick on me AGAIN and I couldn't keep my cool and lost my edge and went all hypo on her...I mean I could FEEL it rising and I just didn't care, I am SICK of how she gets to be "the mature adult" at me but then resorts to the most immature pokes and jabs with her comments.
She is a frickin hypocrite!

[A Red Panda]

Today I've got some rather ridiculous thoughts in my head! They're a mix of daydreams and worries and insecurities and curiousities and cravings and fantasies and fears and everything EXCEPT the things I should be thinking about or doing! haha.

Also, I had 6 hours of sleep. Go me go! Starting to wonder if my body is on this weird little kick of going "Oh, 5-6 hours is more than you've been getting lately, so it MUST MEAN you are well-rested, so we will have another night of almost nothing!" Evil body. It seems to be ignoring the fact that I am due for at least a week of 8-9 hours of sleep per night to start to get caught up and that ONE night of 5-7 hours is not sufficient!

in other news - today is like Friday because tomorrow there are no students at the school as it's our planning day! w00t! Unfortunately... tomorrow I also have my appointment with the psychiatrist and I am terrified and having lots of horrid thoughts about freaking RIGHT out at him and him being a douchebag or something. Seriously now I need to get a grip!

[bunnifoo]

I'm having a rough go of it for right now. Really emotional. Mom was up for a visit (she lives several states away) and it was good but I miss her.

Plus we talked about some stuff and it made me realize a few things - 1) I hid a lot of symptoms and pain growing up; 2) while I don't have self discipline to keep my place clean, or exercise regularly, or have a regular schedule I seem to have channelled all of that into suppressing impulses and symptoms. and 3) she asked me (again) if I had asked my therapist about going on disabilty. I haven't worked in a year because of the bipolar and when I did work my life was working and recovering from the stress of working (I had no friends, social life, or any real hobbies).

Anyway, I talked to my therapist today and told her and I expected her to say something like "well of course that isn't for you, once you get your meds worked out you'll be back at work with better coping skills." or something to that effect. What she actually said was she has had patients whose lives are less impacted than mine by mental illness who are on disability and that she thought I should talk to my new therapist (I'm not going to be seeing her after our next appointment) about it, gave me the number for an advocate. And also said she was worried that, based on what she knew of me, that working full time wouldn't be a good idea. That if I did I'd be sacrificing quality of life to work.

Which makes me wonder if maybe I'm in denial about how severe my bipolar disorder is. I've only been hospitalized twice, I don't get mania. But I've never been able to complete college, I've struggled to hold down jobs, and the jobs have been those with very little responsibilities. As soon as the responbilities increase my stress levels go through the rough. I know I'm a terrible judge of how bad my anxiety is, I've learned that from talking with my pdoc about medicine and stuff.

So there's a lot going on and lots of questions and I hate the feeling.

[Moreta]

I slept a lot today. Took the day off work cause my back hurt so bad. It's not that bad right now. I still can't stand up straight but it doesn't hurt as bad.

[TippPatt]

Almost went WHAAAAATTT??? When I saw the other thread was closed. Being new to this site, I didn't know where to look for the new one. Search is a really good tool.

LOL

My check ins have been few and far between. I tend to stick to my own thread but I feel comfortable knowing this check in thingy is here. I have to have it on my subscribed threads listing or I'll feel alone.

So - my check in --- I'm getting a big dose of the physical aging process right now. At the age of 54, and being diagnosed for some 27 years now, I've thought more about my head than the rest of my body for so long, I'm scared to even think of the rest of me. But, it's happening and I'm going to have to learn to deal with it, just like I had to learn to deal with being BiPolar.

NOT a comfortable thought, ya know?

[A Red Panda]

Today I feel like I'm just annoying a few of my friends. I've got my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and I am nervous about it - I know that when I'm talking about it I don't SOUND all that nervous... but I'm freaking terrified of it and I've been not wanting to have one of these for over a decade. It is a really really huge deal to me.

Here in this town I've got 4 friends really who are fully aware of this. 1 I don't really talk to or see without the other 2, 1 whom I work with, and the other 2 I talk to frequently. The one from work is awesome and supportive. But my other two close friends? One of them just sort of seems dismissive of me messaging - I think she's tired today but it's still just felt really dismissive.

And the other one, the one who is ON anti-depressants/anxiety stuff... just said "It's not going to kill you!".... and I'm feeling utterly crushed. I've been in a GREAT mood all day and that one line has just made me feel like breaking down into tears. I KNOW it's not going to kill me... but I'm still terrified. I didn't even say that, all I'd said was that the date got changed so it's tomorrow instead of the 25th and that I'm dreading it!



AND just now, I'd said "I know that" back... and she just told me to quit whining about it!

:'(

[Nessa213]

I'm sorry Cheshire.

You're one friend should REALLY know better than to tell you to quit whining about it. It's an awful feeling when friends are so dismissive. You really want (and need!) the support right now, I went through the same thing before I met with my pdoc for the first time and I was terrified but I always got the feeling that my friends were just sick of hearing from me.

In my opinion sometimes having friends is just more trouble than their worth. (Sometimes)

I'm kind of in the same kind of situation now too. Don't really know who's my friend anymore. What I did wrong. Why no one wants to talk to me anymore. And why, after SHE gets help and finds an AD that works well, why does she no longer need me? More than that... why is she mad at me? And why did I ever trust her to begin with.

Originally Posted by bunnifoo

...Which makes me wonder if maybe I'm in denial about how severe my bipolar disorder is. I've only been hospitalized twice, I don't get mania. But I've never been able to complete college, I've struggled to hold down jobs, and the jobs have been those with very little responsibilities. As soon as the responbilities increase my stress levels go through the rough. I know I'm a terrible judge of how bad my anxiety is, I've learned that from talking with my pdoc about medicine and stuff.
So there's a lot going on and lots of questions and I hate the feeling.

, bunnifoo, can relate. My psych was the one to suggest it, not even me(!) Yeah, talk about wondering how much denial. Fear, mislabeled as stubbornness, that really just boils down to denial. Because it's not that I haven't thought about it. A lot. It's just there's something about saying/admitting it. BF is on me about it. Obvious to others, it seems...
I hate that million questions/everything in the air feeling too...

Mood-wise, fine. Had to leave work this morning for being physically unwell though. Ignored the initial unprovoked dizziness spell at home, then at work it got to where it wouldn't let up and added thinking problems. BF had to pick me up. No way I was getting behind the wheel. (Shouldn't have earlier either -- just didn't know it. Made a bizarre driving error, but didn't connect the dots till afterward.)
Slept for hours. Thought it was ok, but standing for a bit proved otherwise. Not as bad (thinking ok now), but will stay in rest mode, 'cause this thing (whatever it is!) needs to get GONE!
Have already decided that, should this linger into tomorrow, will call in to work (which is a standing job with an element of danger). Which is a pretty big self-care deal for me. Heck, deciding that it is even OK is a big deal!

[A Red Panda]

Fled to another friend's house (the one I thought was tired, when I asked her if I was annoying she said no and so when I said what happened she said to come over.. so I did)

The whole conversation:
Me: I've got my appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist. It was supposed to be on the 25th but they rescheduled

Her: ok

Me: Yeah. I'm not looking forward to it! haha.

Her: oh its not gonna kill you

Me: I know that.

Her: then quit whining about it

me: Sorry for talking to you about it then L.

Her: You always make it sound like its the end of the world is all...

Me: For me it feels that way. This is something I've been terrified of for a decade. It's a huge deal to me.

Her: I get that its a big deal but we all like to talk about ourselves.. I don't think that telling it to a stranger is a big deal

Me: That's a difference between us - to you it isn't difficult. To me it is. The fact I even told any of you about any of this was a huge ****ing deal to me because it goes waaayyy past my comfort zones.

Her: dude...im not arguing with you on this...im just saying that ive done the same thing as you...took the pills, saw the shrink, etc. Its normal to have to ask for help from a professional

-----------------------------
I'm just crushed. It really hurts to hear all of that because I thought that since she's at least been through it... that she'd be MORE supportive and not LESS!

[roads]

I understand your feeling--& confusion as to how someone can have essentially the same experience as we do, yet be so little supportive or empathetic of what we're going through.
Roadie

[A Red Panda]

Yeah... it's just hard when I've opened up with her about it when I've known her less than a year... I took a giant risk by telling people here what I was doing for/with myself by going to make all these appointments. I've NEVER done that before (telling, or seeking help). I've never ONCE mentioned to someone else that I think I have bipolar... and I have always been very careful to have multiple groups of friends so that I can hide it easily.

To then have that conversation? That was harsh. All I was trying to do was see if she wanted to go and get drinks to celebrate with me afterwards!

no major episodes here, but nothing exciting happening either.

guess i'm somewhere in the middle

tired of the way my life is going, but calm enough to not feel irate about it

[Darth Bane]

i slept for 12 hours today yesterday and day before it was 5 hours... whenever i have mania/depression i sleep for just 4 hours per day for weeks... looks like that is not happening

Fighting the paranoia but doing OK. At T yesterday I had to wait for 10 minutes. Got paranoid by the end and felt like everyone was watching me and spying. But I guess I came to my senses. Now though, after posting that thread, the fear is back and I feel like a fool.

DAMN ALL YOU "loose associations".
!

[A Red Panda]

You're definitely not a fool! I get those feelings of paranoia too when waiting around. Especially when waiting for appointments!! Am convinced everyone knows exactly why I'm there, that they know exactly who I am and are going to tell everyone I know about it. (to make that even lovelier, I'm flat out paranoid about being late so I am always somewhere super early... and of course, anything medical is alllllways running late... and then I get paranoid that I've got the wrong date or time or that they've forgotten about me or cancelled without telling me.... etc etc)

[gary290]

It's only 8:30am and I'm stressed out. I came into a mess at work at 6:30. I feel like I'm really getting dumped on at work. I have to start being more assertive or something. Then the printer died right when I needed it. And I still have the rest of the day to deal with. It feels unbearable. Irritable! I've been loosing weight since I stopped the risperdal but I feel more irritable: Not manic - more depressed. It's like a mixed hypomanic depressive episode. I'm sure my family just loves my moodiness. I'm using a mixture of acceptance and commitment therapy and rational emotive therapy. The theories are somewhat conflicting and thus I become even more frustrated.

Oh well, one foot in front of the other. Trudging along...mile after mile.

Sweating my clothes off!
I love this thread.