Feeling really anxious at the moment. I know anxiety is a part of my depression. I took a prn 1/2 klonopin because my heart is beating really fast. I have a hair appt in 45 minutes and don't want to be panicky during it, yet don't want to fall asleep either.

No matter how tired I am after the hair appt, I WILL stop at the grocery store to buy my husband his favorite dessert and an anniversary card. Tomorrow will be 3 years for us. I feel bad that I probably won't have it in me to go out to dinner tomorrow night, but maybe we could have breakfast out. There's always next year for dinner . . .

I need to count my blessings today. So important for me when I'm depressed.

hoping I'm on the right track here. I need to make changes, in the way that I think. in who I am. it's the only thing that will improve my life, right?

thinking = emotions = reactions ..... emotions = mood changes = hypo and depression???????????????

I don't know. I don't know how much of this is controllable.

I'm still trying to figure out how much of my depression and hypo is just this disorder deciding when I get depressed and hypo, and how much of it I am bringing onto myself!

[A Red Panda]

Today I am going to be going to a climbing gym with my friend. I've never done this before but I have wanted to for YEARS. I'm a mix of terrified and excited. It's a really weird mix.

[comicgeek007]

I am off my meds. Have been for the past week. I keep forgetting and I've been doing fine (yeah, I know that's not a reason to not take them) and last night I just said "**** it" because the pharmacy screwed up my refill anyways. I won't have insurance at all at the end of this month, as per my birth mother being asinine, and I'm not sure there's a point of arguing with the pharmacy AGAIN.

Annoyance aside, I'm doing great. I think I did well on my second interview yesterday for a very flexible student job. Didn't sleep much again last night but hey, I slept and I'm still more than functional.

[Moreta]

Entering checks into the system at work today. I'm really glad I don't have a data entry job, b/c I would go insane. Was supposed to take me all day, but I'm almost done. woohoo. I have to figure out the stupid Mississippi sales tax though. I read the pamphlet yesterday and it made no damn sense to me AND there's no one to explain it to me. Just GREAT.

I've been ok today so far. Just tired. It's like the provigil is trying to work, but failing miserably. Why do most meds need to be sedative? I go see my pdoc in September, so maybe he'll have an idea. Nuvigil is out of the question cause it costs so damn much. Who knows.

[Mollywisk]

I am nervous about going back to work in 10 days. Titrating the meds and going to go to 50 mg lamictral on Monday night, then back to pdoc on Wednesday morning. My sleep schedule is improving but there is no way I can work right now. I still stay awake too late, and wake up too late to work. I finally am sleeping 7-8 hours, just 2-10 instead of 11-7. I can't imagine dealing with the stress of my job right now either and am scared that it will send me right back to almost having a breakdown.

[Margolomania]

All I can say is... I wanna give everyone a hug. Like each one of you. Or a gentle pat if you don't like hugs

Thank you

Not doing good. definitely depressed. Delusional??? maybe a little. Paranoid... same.

Feels like I put the final nail in the coffin for me here.

Obsessive??? Yes, definitely.

Still refusing to start new threads... feel like I have been terrorizing the forums for long enough.

Feels like things will never change. Happy, sad, up, down, the crisis keeps on going... Can't find what I need to find. tired of trying.

Funny, how a little understanding can make all of the difference in the world. I guess you can say that I feel understood now... and that has taken away the paranoia and the delusional thinking. Just from one post from someone who cared enough. One post and those things are gone.

lets me feel the full, uninterrupted weight of the depression, but now I can at least focus on what is there. Maybe I will pull through.

thank you Panda... you made a world of difference for me!

[A Red Panda]

I was not expecting to see my name in your post here, haha. I had to go back to other threads to see what I actually had said - I felt I was being pretty harsh today, but also thought that I could be most helpful by giving the PLAINEST black and white explanation/guesses that I could.

I'm glad that it seems to help a bit! I am (sometimes) quite good at seeing the pictures and patterns (especially patterns). It is fairly easy to see (for me) how you've gone from one extreme to the other just from the forum.

You'll definitely pull through! And maybe you'll learn a few ways about how to manage your symptoms! It's always so tricky and complicated and has the annoying habit of CHANGING just as soon as you think things are getting better!

As to myself: I faced the challenge of rock climbing at the gym! I was pretty terrified and felt embarrassed a lot, but I did it!! I didn't go all the way up any of them because I had a combo of finding a tricky spot, along with getting nervous about coming back down (infinitely more scary for me), and the paranoia of "people are watching!" so I chose to come back down and asked my friend. The last time I barely went up anywhere becuase I realized that my fingers were too warn out. It's really frustrating, I've got good strength and endurance with my legs and arms, but my hands are totally weak THEN my friend and I went to a pub - so happy early birthday me! Tomorrow we're going to have a fun day, but today was more stuffed planned out that *I* like and wanted to do.

[johnthorne1539]

Having one of those days where I can't do anything because I'm so low. Nothing holding my interest. Fighting the urge to drink; can't imagine it'd do me any favors right now. Feeling stunted, cut off, isolated. Trying to remember the last time I really unloaded any of my anxieties to someone, or even felt like I could, like there was someone I could talk to, a really good friend. Everyone I used to trust with my cares has moved on in a way that it wouldn't really be appropriate anymore (i.e., they're mostly women who are now married and I don't think it's a particularly good idea to get into that kind of messy emotional stuff with married women).

Sucks that I was so up earlier this week and now I'm so down. Couldn't I just have one week where everything is good? Just one, out of the whole damn year? That'd be nice.

problems melting away. I would be excited but this is really fast cycling. Something is not right about it, I should have had more time before it changed.

it got too severe too fast and now going away too fast??? Are my patterns changing or was this an actual episode???

I haven't had an episode in over 6 months!

[comicgeek007]

Woooo!!! I'm running my first RPG tomorrow and it's an Xmen campaign! I'm so excited but also nervous because I've never done something like that before.

Lessee, the party consists of an anime fox girl (aka mutant kitsune), a lizard man with mad business skills, a stuck up androgynous female illusionist, a Private I with shadow powers, and a giant mutant werewolf with a sonic howl blast.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I haven't had an episode in over 6 months!

I know you have had some rough days up and down ... Since you did so well during the 6 months you were not on PC .. Maybe your getting triggered here ? Anything is possible.

I think your having one post may been what you need,a long day full of your thoughts and ideas... may help you focus a bit.

Personally .. I think over thinking every emotion is unhealthy for you or anyone for that matter.... If your tool box isn't over flowing now you need to keep working on it.

Maybe actully writing down by hand lots of the amazing advice given to you by Anika and Venus , Red panda...

I am certain there is no wonder jug of pills to fis it all . We must be Proactive and learn ways to self sooth .

Good luck

[Margolomania]

Originally Posted by comicgeek007

Woooo!!! I'm running my first RPG tomorrow and it's an Xmen campaign! I'm so excited but also nervous because I've never done something like that before.

Lessee, the party consists of an anime fox girl (aka mutant kitsune), a lizard man with mad business skills, a stuck up androgynous female illusionist, a Private I with shadow powers, and a giant mutant werewolf with a sonic howl blast.

This sounds epic. Like DnD but with mutants?? O:

[comicgeek007]

Originally Posted by Margolomania

This sounds epic. Like DnD but with mutants?? O:

Yes. But with essentially no dice (only use them for probability based powers) you use points instead since it's a effort vs difficulty game. This will be the first time any of my friends and I play it.

[redbandit]

My husband plays RPG's.
All I want to do lately is sleep.

Had a VERY hard time getting up this morning. Then in a yawning bumbling stupor with agitation(?!). And for icing on the cake, physical pain (flare up of a chronic). 40 min late to work. REALLY wanted to call in, but need the money(pittance though it is). Was seriously irritable at work. Not towards others, but my incessant frustrated muttering can't be fun for them. Managed to not bang my head on the table, but did flip off a stack of cardboard. Yes, really. Oh-so-VERY relieved to get home.
Have been urged to keep a workday mini-journal, so as to be able to see how pervasive my mental problems are in relation to work. (The physical ones I realize. The mental, apparently not so much.)

Have mellowed out, but am VERY glad it is the weekend.

[A Red Panda]

Today's my birthday! I'm turning 29.

Yesterday with the climbing it was a great birthday celebration! Today should be good too, which will mean it should be the first happy birthday I've had in... over a decade I think. The best I've managed before is "didn't cry". Today is looking like it'll actually be fun!

On the down side - old childhood friend who is now living in my hometown... it seems like today is her wedding day. We've grown apart after she moved to my hometown, because she's befriended a lot of the people who made my life hell as a kid. I guess it sorta feels like a betrayal. So that's a bit of a damper on it. I'm going to try to ignore it!

[comicgeek007]

Wearing my awesome sauce Marvel skirt and corset today in honor of my xmen game starting. So much fun! I can't wait!

Lots of down spiraling, racing thoughts, need for distraction, wishing I was hypo instead because I can't handle the downs anymore. I gotta get some meds and soon. I dont know if I just need an AD or if I need some BPD meds.
Either way...gotta get something going because I am on the verge if giving up.

[Margolomania]

Originally Posted by comicgeek007

Yes. But with essentially no dice (only use them for probability based powers) you use points instead since it's a effort vs difficulty game. This will be the first time any of my friends and I play it.

Interesting... I like the concept. Haven't played any tabletop rpg's as much as I did DnD, so this concept definitely interesting to me. Hope it all goes well!