[A Red Panda]

Well! I have been getting a lot of sleep the last two nights as I've actually been in my head - and that is helping tremendously.

The depression is obviously still kicking around, but it feels milder because I'm not in a stressful environment, so I will take it!

I finally had a shower this morning.. as it's Thursday morning... I was too tired all day Wednesday, and I was too tired on Tuesday after I arrived in town. I did not have one on Monday because it was when I was leaving... and Sunday I was busy.. so I had had one Saturday night. Oh goodness that's disgusting! But for Tuesday and Wednesday my hair stayed in the same ponytail that it had been in since I left the city on Monday. Wow. That's just harsh, even for me! It hadn't noticed it was THAT long. No wonder I felt like a greaseball.

Yesterday I did get all my clothes hung up (go go blocking my bedroom door with them, that WAS in fact a motivator!). I just need to tidy up everything else.

To be fair, I've spent a good chunk of the last two days in my classroom organizing IT. So... cleaning up in two places whilst exhausted and depressed?? That is a wee bit too much for me to handle and my afternoons/evenings have been spent doing sweet f*** all.

[A Red Panda]

So a few hours later and I can come back in here and say that I totally had a little meltdown after having a chat with a friend from here actually.

He went "How you are you feeling today? you're coming off a bit 'meh'"

And so I answered and blurted out a lot of stuff, and then burst out crying.

Clearly I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with life. FML.

[roads]

For folks in the education world, this is The Beginning of the School Year--a time of major effort, transition, preparations, beginnings ... sounds like a great opportunity for being overwhelmed by life, doesn't it? Even if all you have to deal with is school and the rest of your life is completely low-keyed & stable.
There are few professions that start so closely from scratch each and every year, year after year, as those in education--I suspect especially teaching and studying.
If you weren't overwhelmed with life now, I'd think you weren't paying attention. And if you weren't overwhelmed, you couldn't possibly be bipolar.

I hope you get some good sleep and a little perspective--& have a great year at school. What do you teach?

Take great care of you.

Roadie

[Phoenix_1]

Someone posted a joke from someecards on my Facebook page yesterday.
It said:

Back to School Sales: Those magical events when parents buy clothes and school supplies and teachers stock up on hand sanitizer and rum.

[lostincornflakes]

First time checking in... spent the day w my daughter and new grand daughter, 9 days old today.

Up late again tonight and irritated that my caseworker left message that she will be here tomorrow for monthly home visit. Can't wait til those visits stop!

[LadyShadow]

Another late night for me. My sleeping schedule is totally out of wack even though I saw my pdoc today. I lied to her of course and said everything was great so I could see her every three months. I guess I'm alright, no pill can help what I'm feeling, only sessions with my therapist can bring me out of this. I'm tired of pills, I'm tired of life, I'm tired of bipolar. Most of all I'm just tired.

Originally Posted by Moreta

My jaw is hurting non stop now, and it's starting to piss me off. I just feel so angry. I'm going to my pdoc next week and I'm going to ask him if any of my meds would make my jaw hurt. It started hurting around the time I started Latuda, so maybe it's that. I really don't know. I just want some relief.

I hope its ok if I reply to this, Im not really sure of the rules of the thread. Are your meds making you clench your jaw? Especially if you are angry you might be doing it without realising. I know on certain medication I would clench mine more and it would cause pain and headaches. Doesnt happen now unless I am really stressed I am far more aware of it now too. When I start to do it I need to take a few deep breathes and relax it. Sometimes it happens all day but the more aware I am of it the less I do it.

I am going great guns at the moment. I feel brilliant and its another one of those days that I think that I am fine. The last mixed episode was about 10 days ago and I have been pretty great since besides some anxiety. I am still having so much trouble with motivation though. I went to work this morning, played with my horses, mucked out yards and got on the exercise bike, so I guess I am doing ok. But I am still spending a lot of hours online.

[Phoenix_1]

I'm not doing that good this morning. I have a boyfriend who lives in the USA and about 1200 miles away. We've knows each other 45 years. We got together in March and he planned to move here and get certified to work in his field, and then we'd be together. Perhaps after my surgeries are done we could move to the US. In Canada my knee replacement surgeries and rehab are free, in the US, with the cost of therapy, it would probably be $100,000 for both knees. Neither of us has insurance.
Anyway, long story short, in July he quit talking to me. He just quit for no reason. I thought he was gone forever and my heart broke. Here I said I'd never get involved in a relationship ever again, and I tried and look what happened. Hence a very bad summer with irritable hypomania and mixed episodes.
Last night he showed up. He sent an email. He's been dx with fibromyalgia and probably can't work anymore. He has major depressive disorder and PTSD, so he's been keeping to himself until he got the fibromyalgia dx all sorted out in his head. So all our plans are pretty much at a dead end.
I'm pretty sad this morning. This whole week I've felt myself sliding into the depression pit, and it's worse this morning. I got fired from my job last week and this news just makes me feel even worse. I have no idea what to do now.

[A Red Panda]

Roadie: Thank you. That was a bit of perspective that I was quite clearly missing yesterday. I teach grade 4 and I have a particularly tough crowd coming to me... and I somehow got all the kids in the grade that are violent (how is THAT fair I ask you?! One of the grade 3 teachers is well.... not very good...). And that does actually stress me out. I can handle a lot of behaviours, but I can't handle violence. I've got a lot planned out in regards to trying to help them manage their emotions (hahahaha...... right?! Jokes on them!)

Phoenix: It's wine, actually. Teachers drink a lot of wine. At least at my school.

Another teacher "joke": We're the only profession that buys supplies to TAKE to work. I spent I think $200 so far out of pocket for my room this year? Last year it was probably closer to $500 or more...

[A Red Panda]

Awww Phoenix that's rough for both of you It's not very fair that he left you in the dark for so long though.

You'll be able to find yourself another job! I'm sure of it. Just keep looking. And now that he's already lost his job.... well.... in a way maybe that will make it easier for him to move to Canada with you. It'll be tough but I am SURE there is a way to manage - and at least now you know what you're dealing with, which is always a good place to be starting from.

[Moreta]

I got my tooth out yesterday and I feel so much better. I can't smoke for 4 days though, which might drive me crazy. Got a patch on, but it isn't the same. People keep telling me this is a good time to quit, but I love smoking. I know it's bad for me, but I just don't care.

[bumble2u]

Unable to concentrate on my work. things are backing up. house is a mess. will write lists to help me get there. Can't be bothered to write lists. calendars, lists, chores get it together girl. Feeling impulsive and torn apart by the news in Syria. my mind wants to spin out it's creating it's own realities. having to challenge my thinking at every step. no they are not building chemical pipelines under the river. But it feels like things are going wrong. might as well type it as I am alone here. how do you keep the bad thoughts and actions away? wish i could explain this better.

Realizing more and more, day by day that I have probably been bipolar since high school.
I recall amazing highs and unbelievable lows...never being able to save any money, always buying stuff, never having enough, total irresponsibility....then periods of complete normalcy...brief as they were...then right back into some kind of up or down or other complete mess.
My whole life has been a series of financial mishaps, constant desire for sex and women, job jumping, career confusion...never being able to think clearly or concentrate...I could go on and on.

[lostincornflakes]

Was up most of the night. Been doing that a lot lately. Need to go grocery shopping but hate going! Too many people, and it's way too hot. I don't do well in the heat. I blew off my caseworker.... just didn't want to deal with that either.

[Mollywisk]

Finally I think the Lamictal has kicked in. I can't remember the last time I felt this good without being hypo manic or having a few drinks, neither of which last long and both lead to feeling worse later. I'm nervous about losing this goodness and trying to gratefully stay in the moment .

[gayleggg]

Waiting for the Seroquel to start working on my mood, meanwhile, just being sleepy and depressed. I really don't have much faith that it is going to work without making me into a zombie. I'm already sleeping 12 hours a day. I am able to manage to work, but with difficulty. I'm beginning to feel like I'll always be depressed. My head is not in a good place. But it is Friday and I have a 3 day weekend. I'm sure I will sleep most of it away. It beats living with the depression.

[PogoPopess]

3 days ago, I was admitted to the hospital for a near fatal overdose. My blood sugar was 40. I couldn't talk. Dying felt good. Just like last time. I sliced up my wrists like a thanksgiving turkey the next day. Now my left arm is appalling and it's starting to get hot in SF. Now I can't sleep for more than two hours and I'm antsy as hell. I've been up all night. Voices in my head tell me I'm fat, worthless and dumb. My 19th birthday is approaching in less than 2 weeks and my wrists won't be healed for the tattoo of lunar phases in time, I'm having some delusions of I guess I would say persecution again. I'm heavily medicated too, and nothing. My life will ever be mine.

[Phoenix_1]

SoaS, I do the same things as you (almost - I don't chase women lol).
Every day I remember more and more bp things I did in the past, back to when I was about 14 years old.

Today I feel challenged and worried and useless. My boyfriend just came back to me after 2 months. He disappeared because he was dx with fibromyalgia and needed some time to sort it all out. He's in Missouri and I'm stuck here in Canada - I'm having a big surgery in 12 days, so I can't go down there and help him out. I feel sad and useless.

[otroo]

I just woke up after a good nights sleep I wish I could sleep like this without medication. I am trying to motivate myself to ride my bike for a second day in a row. I did 7 miles yesterday and I would like to do the same if not more today as I really need to lose weight.

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[lostincornflakes]

Slept a few hours and need to get going. Gonna babysit for a few hours and then attempt more grocery shopping. This lack of motivation is driving me nuts!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[otroo]

Yay for me I rode my bike again I only did 5 miles but I am glad I did it.

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[A Red Panda]

Cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up and am rather out of it today. Haven't done a damn thing and seem to, once again, be eating the not-as-healthy snack foods in replacement of meals and seem to be ignoring all the fresh veg I bought. One of my friends said he wishes I was still back in his town because he would have liked me to be able to go with him while he djs, and I broke right down over that. I also started bawling yesterday because I was trying out these egg cup things to see if I could make hard boiled eggs in them... and they tipped sideways and made a big mess and that was just something else I cried about.

And my eyes hurt because I've been watching Netflix all day.

And I was looking at my mood chart from July and August and it's sorta funny and pathetic how I can see my mood going further downhill.

Since I see my pdoc on the 3rd, I decided I was close enough to seeing him that it's ok to start on titrating up with the lamictal, so I'm going to take 75mg until I see him.

I went back in May for this stuff because I wanted to try and get things somewhat sorted before the next school year... and instead I'm starting it in the middle of a depression that seems to be going downhill

[otaku1992]

After putting off cleaning my apartment for about 2 weeks, I finally decided to do it today. Spent maybe an hour, only cleaned some of it. I then called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to do something. He said he just wanted to stay home and relax, because he'd been outside all day and had gotten up early, so he was tired.

I got sad, disappointed and a little bit mad, then yelled at him. Then he felt bad, but he still wanted to stay at his house and not do anything. I got even more upset and yelled at him some more, even though I felt bad. I just couldn't stop myself. He suggested we do something tomorrow. I hope we can. I still feel bad about being mean to him.

[medicalfox]

I'm more motivated and started cooking again. I'm actually doing my chores and getting things done which is great news for my family. I still have my tantrum fits, but that's not from bipolar thankfully since I'm in remission

[Phoenix_1]

I'm very worried and anxious today. Thursday night my boyfriend came back after 6 weeks of silence. He lives in Missouri and I live in Canada. We've known each other 45 years. He said he was dx fibromyalgia and needed time to sort our his future, and that's why he wasn't talking to me. Yesterday there was nothing from him - not one email - nothing. If he was sick in bed all day, I think at least he could have texted me. But nothing. I wonder if he's decided to disappear again, forever. I can't even go to MO to see him because I'm having major surgery on the 12th and I need to stick around in case they call me in early.