[henrydavidtherobot]

I thought my meds were working. Fair, I have been more stable and haven't had a hypomanic episode, but I am getting very depressed. And lonely.

I don't know if its just normal stuff or the Cyclothymia. For the past few weeks, I have been happy with my life. Now, I'm not really happy unless I'm working on something. I don't know what to tell myself. It's the disorder and I'll feel better in a couple of weeks or that its PMS or that I'm just sad right now and it will go away when my life changes. I just upped my dosage of lamictal and can't see my T for another week.

All I want to do is be alone. Then when I'm alone too long, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone I know.

I feel like everywhere I go, something bad will happen. There is someone who will dislike me or upset me or that I'll say the wrong this in front of everywhere I go. I want to be somewhere safe. I feel so vulnerable so much of the time.

Why is the world so mean? Most people are dishonest, petty, dramatic, boring, and/or lacking depth. I'm constantly looking for people to bond with. Most people disappoint and hurt me. I can't keep doing it. I'm not strong enough. I operate on a higher moral standard.

I have nothing to look forward to. Graduation is meh because it isn't going to change my life right away. I'm not excited about poetry readings or shows or other social events that I used to enjoy. I know that I never meet anyone remarkable anymore, and if I do, they'll disappoint me. I'm not even looking forward to traveling abroad because I feel like no one in the Middle East will like a white, feminist, Agnostic American with poor Arabic. I feel like I'll be even more alone.

What happened? I was happy three days ago why can't anyone understand or help me. I'm a person like everyone else.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Oh, and I posted for advice on another forum and no one responded, which I know is normal, but it just makes me feel more like no one cares or gets me or can help me.

[redbandit]

Hey I know how it feels. I have the same problem as lot. Idk if it's normal or not exactly for us, but I know it can happen a lot! Hope you feel better!

[BlueInanna]

I'm in a sad isolation phase. Waiting & waiting for it to pass. Nothing to look forward to. But it will pass. That's what I tell myself. Somehow we will learn our own happiness , even if people are a bore or disappoint over & over. There will be some growth & insight we come out of it with.

Interested to hear about your travel plans when we're feeling better. You're definitely going to have an experience.

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

.

I feel like everywhere I go, something bad will happen. There is someone who will dislike me or upset me or that I'll say the wrong this in front of everywhere I go. I want to be somewhere safe. I feel so vulnerable so much of the time.

Why is the world so mean? Most people are dishonest, petty, dramatic, boring, and/or lacking depth. I'm constantly looking for people to bond with. Most people disappoint and hurt me. I can't keep doing it. I'm not strong enough. I operate on a higher moral standard.

What happened? I was happy three days ago why can't anyone understand or help me. I'm a person like everyone else.

CBT can really help with thoughts like these. There is only so much medication can do, some things we need to work on by ourselves. If we never change the thinking patterns then meds will continue to fail.

[A Red Panda]

Henry, are you diagnosed with more than just bipolar? If so, or if you suspect so... there's possibly more at work than just the cyclothymia depression. Even if it's just a general low self-esteem.

I know how frustrating it is to keep trying with people and getting hurt - it happens to me too. But what sort of "moral" high ground are you standing on? I'm all for having high standards... but are yours maybe so high that no one can maintain that? Sometimes we set ourselves up to get hurt, because it's all we know and anything else is scary. I'm pro at self-sabotage. But your really might want to take a look at how much you are judging other people - and you seem to be judging them before you even get to know them.

Do you go to see a T? Because those issues can definitely be things to get help with in therapy.

[mzunderstood79]

There have been many times that I have felt the same way...hang in there

[henrydavidtherobot]

Panda, I am diagnosed with GAD, Panic, Insomnia. Cyclothymia, PMDD, as well as OCD and Agoraphobic tendencies. I have a strong feeling that my T suspects BPD tendencies as well. She says things like “you have the background for BPD, you’ve done pretty well for yourself” and “well, that’s a personality thing”.

I don’t know if it’s self-esteem because I like myself, but I feel like I don’t like how I don’t feel like anyone can love me or like me or know me. I hate that I can’t figure it out and place a burden on myself because of it.

Maybe no one can maintain my standards, but they are there, and I don’t think that they are wrong. I hate lying; I don’t lie. So many people lie and I have no idea why. I’m a very strong philanthropist. I can’t deal with people who say prejudice things. I believe that I often have a moral obligation to say something, but I don’t call anyone names and try to be understanding. Then I just get flack from people for it. My friend explained it to me very well, “Most people don’t like to have their privilege questioned. I have utilizing people for personal gain, but so many people here, especially men, do that to people. I can’t stand for people using people and taking advantage of people. But these people are always valued higher in society. It REALLY bothers me. I don’t even want to go out anymore because I see all of these people acting so poorly and I can’t stand seeing it and knowing that everyone will always love these people more than me. I can’t even go to poetry readings anymore (even though I used to look forward to them so much) because I hate seeing these two guys who I had flings with who lied to me and used me be idolized by other people. It hurts too much on an ethical and emotional level.

My T and I have worked on me not judging so quickly. I haven;t been writing off people so quickly and have been less snobby about superficial things like intelligence and interests. However, whenever I do give people a chance, most disappoint me. My T says that I am just more mature than everyone here and that I’m hard to keep up with because of my intelligence and passion. What can I do about that? Get dumb? Be someone else?

I’ve been in therapy pretty consistently for 4 years. Some things have gotten better, but I’m about to graduate college and I’m still dealing with so much. When does it get better?

[Victoria'smom]

Try not to play the waiting game. I think it's normal for us to play the waiting game. Try making your self go to the poetry readings, and any commitments you already have,even if it's to zone out there. If you have friends hang out with them one on one. When I took my culture difference class I realized that my morals were not higher than others just not in par with American culture. Once I was able to know that it was much easier to find people I mesh with better. You may want to write down your values and order them from most important to least so you know the scene you may mesh with the best and start there. Human error happens but you may need to give others more room for error. Yes, the people closest to you WIll hurt you, sometimes a lot but there is value in strengthening those relationship through resolving differences or acceptance.

A lot of what you wrote made me think your GAD acts up when you're depressed so keep that in mind. This board is a lot more active then most so you may get responses quicker here than most boards.

[gayleggg]

You have been diagnosed with many different things with which cope. I have biplar 1, mostly depressed. Like you I don't want to get out and don't want to go places that have a lot of people and I know they won't understand my illness, so I have to hide behind a mask of being normal. Fake smile and all.

I'm sorry you have been lied to so much. I know that that hurts. Think it is good that your T wants to work on you not judging people so soon. There are a lot of people out there are hiding behind masks, too. Me, too, because I think people will judge me if they know the real me.

I'm not sure when it gets better. I've been seen by psychiatrist for a long time and have gone to counseling, too. Would be in counseling but I can't afford it right now. I've been severly depressed for 9 months now I'm beginning to feel a little better after some med adjustments. I just try to enjoy the good days, because it might my last one for a while.

I really hope you get to feeling better soon.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Miguel’s mom, I guess I just don’t won’t what else to do. People aren’t going to change and I can’t change overnight to make myself at peace with what this world is like. I do hang out with people one on one on a regular basis. I think that next weekend, I’m going to go to an academic reading by myself instead of going to the ones that my friends hold. I just don’t want to go and see these people who hurt me and don’t value me and then remember that I’m different and go home and cry. I often study anthropology and ethics. Though I recognize that people have cultural differences, I believe in objective moral values.

I try to cut people slack for their moral shortcomings. I’m trying not to think of the guy who recently hurt me a lot as heinous because his dad did just die. However, what he did was still wrong and he should be held accountable for it. I take credit for my moral shortcomings, even under times of distress. I know myself very well and what is important to me. I just don’t think that I fit in anywhere. The society in which I am most aquatinted with here has most of the same values as I do, and I still don’t feel like I fit. I’m not trying to complain, but I seriously don’t know what else I can do. I keep giving people chances and they keep screwing me over and they are happy and I am not. So why not disengage? Maybe they will miss me and reflect on themselves and how they treat others? Who knows?

My GAD totally acts up when I’m depressed. I’ll just ride this one through, I guess :/

[ultramar]

As is the case with all of us, to some extent or another, how we perceive the world around us can affect our mood (and even reveal how we perceive ourselves). If you perceive others' shortcomings as a deal breaker, then I can see how it would end up making you feel lonely. But just because people disappoint doesn't mean they're 'bad' or 'less than' -if you jump to that conclusion before giving yourself a chance to get to know them and them a chance to reveal their true selves to you, then I'm afraid you will be often disappointed. It's a truism, maybe, but perhaps the more you accept and can not judge yourself for your own shortcomings and failings, not living up to your own standards at times, maybe it will become easier to accept and have compassion for others' shortcomings. We all suffer, no doubt, at least we're in the same boat when it comes to that!

As someone else said, how we perceive things can radically affect our mood and how we relate to others. It seems you've addressed 'disappointment' in therapy, but it's a really big topic -- maybe you can explore more what this means to you (disappointment means different things to different people) and why it causes so much pain and for you to feel so alienated from others.

It's a long process, but I think exploring this in therapy, over time, may help a lot. It's awful to feel so isolated!

[henrydavidtherobot]

Ultra, I totally agree. However, I think I'm in the second stage of this. I've opened up and have given lots of people chances. Now, they are hurting me. I don't know where to go from here.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

Ultra, I totally agree. However, I think I'm in the second stage of this. I've opened up and have given lots of people chances. Now, they are hurting me. I don't know where to go from here.

I can see how opening up to people when you're not used to it puts you in a such a very vulnerable position, and a place where you may be more likely to get hurt. But you're trying, as you say, you've progressed to another stage. Baby steps - I hope this gets better

[henrydavidtherobot]

Yeah, me too. I guess I'm just clinging to the hope that things will get better when I age. Idk if people get better though.

[Amelie10]

Hang in there. I have to remind myself and explain to newly medicated friends that even on meds you will still have good days and bad days. That is life. We will never feel good all the time. Sometimes we have a string of bad days or months or years, but they always pass and better feelings return.

Feelings are not facts. Try journaling about your feelings around these issues. I have found great relief through therapy and journaling.

Hang in there. It will get better.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Thanks. You're probably right. At least I've been writing lots of poetry.