[Floralies]

I have been married for 12 years, together for 20 with my husband. I cheated 10 years ago, thus finding out I was Bi-polar and in a hyper sexual mania mode, let alone spending way too much money we did not have etc. Well, here I go again. I just cheated again and am hopelessly attached. He ended it because I am married and can't do it. Now I cannot take the rejection and am in a big downward spiral of very low self esteem. I want to be friends with this guy but am confused if that is a good idea or not. I just cannot let him go. I wake up all night long thinking about him. I do everything in my power to not call him or text him or I will push him away from even being a friend. I became very crazy and emotional which made things worse because this guy has no idea that I am Bi-polar...he just thinks I am a nutbar. Should I tell him I am Bi-polar to explain myself? I feel so insecure like I need to. How do I move on and concentrate on my marriage? I need to tell my psychiatrist when I see her next week but I am afraid because she will be very disappointed in me like I am right back to where I was 10 years ago.

[Manic Trance]

Hi Floralies!

I hear you! I experience similar problems in my marriage. I aspire to be better about things, but I struggle with it. Moments where I fall short of my aspirations I am totally intoxicated by desire and I think a subtle kind of self loathing that is very sneaky. When I am crossing lines I should not cross, I convince myself almost entirely that it is a great idea, sort of like I deserve to get something I want, and I am totally drawn in by this way of thinking, though it evaporates once it's too late.

I don't think it is a good strategy for us to entertain guilt and shame. We are responsible for our transgressions, and we are aspiring to live more accountable lives. We are struggling and there a lot of successes and a lot of challenges. Most importantly, I don't think your therapist will be disappointed in you, she will probably be highly motivated to help you feel better and get back on track. I am not trying to be diagnostic here, but I know if I were in your situation, and I imagined that my therapist were going to be disappointed in me, that would probably be me projecting. Maybe you relate to that idea, maybe you don't.

At any rate, we are hard people to love, and we are amazing lovers.
We are all aspirants, and I am in your corner!
Hang in!
MT

Originally Posted by Floralies

I have been married for 12 years, together for 20 with my husband. I cheated 10 years ago, thus finding out I was Bi-polar and in a hyper sexual mania mode, let alone spending way too much money we did not have etc. Well, here I go again. I just cheated again and am hopelessly attached. He ended it because I am married and can't do it. Now I cannot take the rejection and am in a big downward spiral of very low self esteem. I want to be friends with this guy but am confused if that is a good idea or not. I just cannot let him go. I wake up all night long thinking about him. I do everything in my power to not call him or text him or I will push him away from even being a friend. I became very crazy and emotional which made things worse because this guy has no idea that I am Bi-polar...he just thinks I am a nutbar. Should I tell him I am Bi-polar to explain myself? I feel so insecure like I need to. How do I move on and concentrate on my marriage? I need to tell my psychiatrist when I see her next week but I am afraid because she will be very disappointed in me like I am right back to where I was 10 years ago.

[Floralies]

Hi Mania Trance
Thank you for your feedback. You have given me the courage to tell my psychiatrist what I have just done. I know she will be disappointed but she is there for a reason, to listen and help me and yes, get me back on track. What is your opinion on the guy that I have...or think I have...fallen totally in love with? Maybe it is his rejection to stop the affair whereas if I stopped it, it would be a different story. I want to be friends with him, almost like trying to prove myself that I am not a psycho and just act "normal" when we get together. Should I tell him I have Bi-polar to explain myself? I feel like I need to have these excuses for my behavior so he doesn't think I am as emotional and crazy all the time. This whole thing is a freaking mess. At the beginning he was so hot for me now he just thinks I am crazy and probably wished he never got involved with me to begin with.

[Manic Trance]

Hi! It's Manic trance, with a 'C'... Ha! LOL!

What I try to do in those situations is just wait. I practice Buddhism, and there is an instruction, 'like a log remain'... It means that when you encounter emotional content that requires incredible fortitude to withstand, you aspire to simply do nothing. Not do the right thing, or worry that you've done the wrong thing, but just don't act. Additionally, if I can get my mind onto other things, that is also helpful. If I am embroiled in some kind of problematic situation while hypomanic, I am likely not making good decisions. But if I can just get away from it, not add more to it, do something that I find interesting, or something enjoyable with people I trust, without worrying about how that other situation will resolve, it is always best. At a certain point you come down, and it's like stepping out of a dream. I'm always glad I've waited.

I don't mind sharing with people that I am ADHD and currently being diagnosed for bipolar or cyclothymia, but I try to tell people that I trust who care about me. I wouldn't tell someone as a defense. If someone thinks I am sort of crazy, and there are no shortage of people who do, well, that argument is not hard to make. If that is a turn off for them, I mean, fair enough. It is hard to accept that you are too intense for most people without resenting most people, but I am working on it. But I would not share my circumstance with someone to rationalize my behavior for them so that they 'understand'. They'd have to already be down for me to share. Does that make sense?

Sending you strength!
MT

[Floralies]

Hi Manic Trance...Sorry about the name thing...Mania is on my mind! I just went on line and looked up "like a log remain" and it sounds very interesting. Something I definatly need to practice in all aspects of my life. I have very low self-esteem. I never feel good about myself, I constantly judge what I say, how I should have said it etc. I have poor boundaries if someone says something I disagree with. Instead of realizing it is just their opinion I am completely defensive. I don't think before I speak, like there is no filter. Then I feel bad for being defensive.
I have to sign off now as I am leaving work and going home. Thanks you and I will be back again tomorrow. I will do some more reading tonight on "like a log remain". Have agood night.

[Manic Trance]

Yep! Soon... Nice to hear from you...
I'm here whenev...
MT
PS - I totally do not care about the name thing, I just thought it was funny!

Originally Posted by Floralies

Hi Manic Trance...Sorry about the name thing...Mania is on my mind! I just went on line and looked up "like a log remain" and it sounds very interesting. Something I definatly need to practice in all aspects of my life. I have very low self-esteem. I never feel good about myself, I constantly judge what I say, how I should have said it etc. I have poor boundaries if someone says something I disagree with. Instead of realizing it is just their opinion I am completely defensive. I don't think before I speak, like there is no filter. Then I feel bad for being defensive.
I have to sign off now as I am leaving work and going home. Thanks you and I will be back again tomorrow. I will do some more reading tonight on "like a log remain". Have agood night.

[Floralies]

Hi JosieTheGirl
Thank you for your response.
Unfortunately this is only one of my very many B-Polar issues I have. I was only mentioning the recent one that I need some help with. That is why I did not mention any of the other signs I have. I have been Bi-Pilar for 10 years and I have gone through hell. I apologize for your ignorance. You obviously need some help with being so harsh when you obviously know nothing about me.

[Anika.]

Are you still manic now? Would you want the relationship to continue with this other man outside of mania? I think that is where some answers will be found.

[Floralies]

Hi Anika.
This is something I am confused about as I do not understand it at all. In the manic episodes I was having I did not expect to develope feelings for this person. It was never entertained. I will have to talk about this with my psychiatrist at my appointment next week because I do not know what has happened to me. I am a major mess and crying all the time. Maybe my meds need adjusted. I don't have a clue what is going on with me.

[Manic Trance]

F!
Hang in, don't worry about that one post. Whoa! I totally agree with Anika. If you are manic, the time will come when you are not manic, and you will know it...
Peace...
MT

[BlueInanna]

I can relate I think time will tell - if you can take some space from the guy, you might see & feel things differently. But I think it takes a couple months at least to get over someone. I was hypo all summer. Broke up with bf, had to sell my business, went a little crazy. Totally fell for this younger guy way too fast. Really got mixed up between sex & love. It lasted a couple months, but he rejected me. I was just a bootie call. I stopped responding to his late night texts & it was really hard, it really hurt my heart. I got back with the long term bf. Seemed to be best for my youngest son, going back to school & bf is a good steady influence on him. I'm a mom, my life isn't about me right now, it's about my kids. I feel saner now, somewhere between depressed & stabilizing.

I feel guilty a bit for hurting the bf. But to be honest, the hurt & confusion I have now are more like, What was I thinking?? What all just happened, how'd I let myself fall for a guy like that so fast, how'd I let myself get hurt? 2 months no contact with him. I saw him at a bar a few weeks ago, he dismissed his other ladies like he always did and made himself available for me (cuz you know what a good time we bp'ers are!), but I stayed sober and drove my gf home, said Bye. So now, some space, I'm almost over it. I will always have to live with the memories & close to the best sex I've ever had. Started to feel hypo recently, and he crossed my mind, but i'm not going there, I can't let myself fall like that again. I don't even miss him now.

Anyway - I think time will tell if there's a potential future and relationship for you with this guy & it's time to leave husband. Or, was it the hypo/mania... It takes time to reflect on all the things that just happened. I don't think trying to be friends is a great idea, I think you'd be prolonging the hurt of saying goodbye, hanging on to the possibility that it would turn into something more.

Hang in there. Hopefully the feelings might fade and you fall back in love with your husband (if that's what you want). I know how hard this must be but consider going "no contact" with the lover for at least a couple months to clear your head, and figure out what you really want.

[Floralies]

Thank you so much BlueInanna.
It is very difficult and you really get it. It is time I need. Not that I want to wish my life away, but I want to get over him. I do want a life with my husband who I really do love very much. After 20 years with one man...my hubby (including the going out before we got married) the hot sex fades...yes its normal...so no wonder I am in a state of turmoil that started off with a bipolar manic hyper sexual moment and turned into this!!! SIGH!!! Now all I seem to want is that sex!!! I wish it was crappy sex and it would be a mistake that I could have gotten over much easier. I know being friends is prolonging the hurt but I am just not at that point yet...I am taking him out for dinner for his birthday next week. Yah!!! IDIOT!!! Something is not sinking in my brain. Mental Block! Not getting it! AHHH!!!

[eblam81]

Floralies,
I would try my best if I were you, to resist those urges to text this man or contact him in any way until after you speak with your psychiatrist. You didn't mention anything about your husband knowing or your relationship with him but I wouldn't "rock that boat" anymore right now if I were you. I'm no therapist but I am in a relationship (live with him) and am divorced twice. I have ADD, and anxiety issues, but I also get manic episodes, though not extreme. You mentioned meds. That would be a first step, along with your psychiatrist/therapist, to deal with these feelings. Again I don't know your marital situation, but you did mention this "other man" judging you as a "nutbar". Maybe your marriage is worth saving? I'm just wondering if your husband judges you in such a way. Best of luck to you, and try and be patient.

I have been where you are and yes its part of the manic and part of the rejection that spirals us into the depression, I have done this online in 06 and in person in 10, the second one put me in the hospital. Tell your dr, because you need the help to get out of the episode. I have come really close to doing this again just this month so I totally sympathize. It is hell. I personally have decided this hypersexual urge must have an evolutionary component to it for it to be so strong. You will get through this, you just need to get help. My hub does not know the specific trigger for my hospitalization, yours doesnt need to know your episode trigger either if you dont feel you can face it. I couldnt. Just that you are IN an episode and need help. Hang in there and try not to beat yourself up with guilt. Its the illness.

[Amelie10]

Floralies, I have been exactly where you are. There is a 12-step program that has helped me tremendously. Check it out: Is S.L.A.A. For Me? | Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

When you write about the obsessive thoughts wanting to text him, etc. I can really relate to that. Check it out and feel free to message me privately if you want more information or have any questions about it.

[noshadows]

Hello Floralies,
People cheat sure but what you are saying sounds like hyper sexuality during mania or even hypomania. Firstly, don't beat yourself up with guilt. There might be a much later stage where you will want to take responsibility and deal with it when you are in a clearer, calmer state. For now, the number one prize is to 'feel better' and not worse.
I look back at crazy relationships I had or really random (but great) sex with people I wouldn't look twice at if I was stable. I became completely obsessed with this married man and no amount of advice or self talk could get through to me. It was indeed, or may be because of the state I was in, the best sex I ever had and I think about it to this day. ALL reason went out the window so I understand what you are saying. One could not say to me, but if you were 'normal' what would you do because that's impossible then.
The best tool you have got available to you at the moment is your awareness. You are well aware of this being a possible symptom of your illness. You are well aware that what you think you might be feeling (either way) may not be completely congruent to who you are. You are well aware of the value of therapy and of the support you can get in a group like this. You are also aware of the possible consequences of any actions although they might not seem like a big deal now. You are aware that might sometimes experience low self esteem and that the attention you are getting from this guy might change that in the moment.
As for telling this other man, I think that it might be a good idea. What might be stopping you is that he'll understand what's going on and might back off in an honest attempt to help you if he cares about you. He might then start to realize himself that things are not completely what they seem to be. Telling him AND asking him to support you by not sleeping with you might be the only way you can be friends with him. It can turn out to be a great friendship based on honesty. If he doesn't act on your plea then you yourself will know that he doesn't really care for your wellbeing but for sex only and that can also help you make a mind shift.
I think back at times I was 'crazy in love' now and can't understand it at all, makes me laugh, what the hell was I thinking?
So, most the advice on here says to try and wait before you do anything else and I think that's worth trying. May be jump you husband (surely he will understand that it's mania) or buy a dildo and use it all the time!
Good luck, lots of hugs,
Nosadows x

[wisedude]

Explaining to the people in your life that you have Bipolar (I assume you have been formally diagnosed) may provide some explanation for them of your behavior and problems, but I don't think your husband will accept this as an excuse for your cheating.

Also you are very quick to advocate for your lack of responsibility due to your bipolar, most mentally ill people are not so skilled at persistently asserting that they are not responsible for their actions due to mental illness!

The truth is there are some lines that if you cross (whether because of bipolar or not), that people will not accept you afterwards. I don't know if your husband can possibly forgive you and move on with your relationship, but your continuing to see this other man- it is asking for your marriage to be over for good!

There is an article about this on bphope, talking about how hypersexuality is one of the least talked about symptoms of bipolarity. Including juvenile hypersexuality, something people don't like to think about. If you have ever read His Bright Light by Danielle Steele about her son Nick Traina, you see even in young kids it exists.

Obviously cheating on a spouse or SO is a painful subject. My husband was able to see that it was not the ME he knew that had an emotional affair, there was so much more going on than just that, it was the whole list of manic behaviors. I was not myself.

This is one place I really don't understand judgemental statements. This is supposed to be for support.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by emomom

There is an article about this on bphope, talking about how hypersexuality is one of the least talked about symptoms of bipolarity. Including juvenile hypersexuality, something people don't like to think about. If you have ever read His Bright Light by Danielle Steele about her son Nick Traina, you see even in young kids it exists.

Obviously cheating on a spouse or SO is a painful subject. My husband was able to see that it was not the ME he knew that had an emotional affair, there was so much more going on than just that, it was the whole list of manic behaviors. I was not myself.

This is one place I really don't understand judgemental statements. This is supposed to be for support.

Of course hypersexuality can be a component of bipolar disorder (when in hypo/manic episode)! I've been through it myself. I'm just saying that the way it has been described, anyway, this doesn't sound like an 'episode.' (Hence my question about 'moment'). I and likely many others with bipolar disorder have had random sex with random people, felt super ...sexual let's say and/or attracted to someone, but outside of an episode. It happens. Human nature. I'm not dismissing the predicament or the pain, I'm very sorry for what the OP is going through, I'm only questioning the label.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by ultramar

I do feel for the OP's predicament. She had an affair (and I'm really not judging that at all), has become very attached to this guy, and it's not going well. What I don't like, is using bipolar as an excuse (and that most likely has nothing to do with it). I sympathize with the predicament, and I don't judge what's going on, I don't sympathize with the excuse.

Actually - you are judging her. So blatant, just admit it. I am so sad that you think you know whether or not she is in an episode. Sorry, but no, you don't know.

Have enough respect for a fellow bp member to accept she knows she is in an episode. She's not a child, it's obviously not her first rodeo. Have some kindness for someone lost & reaching for support, please.

[DocJohn]

Folks, just a reminder... we're not here to judge or try and figure out whether a label is "valid" or not. Our forums and community are not to debate such things, and it is wildly unsupportive of a member to do so (in their own thread!).

Please, if you're going to contribute to this thread, do not question the OP's behavior or description of their behavior as though you were a private investigator seeking the "truth."

Thanks,
DocJohn

[Floralies]

Originally Posted by DocJohn

Folks, just a reminder... we're not here to judge or try and figure out whether a label is "valid" or not. Our forums and community are not to debate such things, and it is wildly unsupportive of a member to do so (in their own thread!).

Please, if you're going to contribute to this thread, do not question the OP's behavior or description of their behavior as though you were a private investigator seeking the "truth."

Thanks,
DocJohn

Thank you DocJohn.
I am the one who started the thread and am quite upset people are arguing over what I am going through and judging me. Thank you.

[Floralies]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I do appreciate (most) of them. After going through a hyper sexual mania time and then becoming rational is one thing, but continuing on is very inappropriate behavior which is still all part of my bipolar disorder, which I have been diagnosed with 10 years ago. If I decided one day to just go out and cheat on my husband, then end up where I am I would have started a thread in a different forum.

[ultramar]

I apologize, Floralies --I was out of line.

[SillyKitty]

I understand what you are going through. In manic episodes, I tend to fixate on something, sometimes a person. I actually left my husband once. I know it is hard to pull out of it, but just (to quote my therapist) be mindful. When this episode ends, will the possible friendship of this man still be worth the risk to your relationship? Hang in there!