So I tried to lower the dose of my antipsychotic Zeldox because I was sick of feeling so dumb and having absolutely no motivation or drive in life. I started lowering it a few weeks back and now Im on half the dose and completely suicidal. I had a plan but no date and I even tried to prepay a funeral but lack of funds stopped that.

My partner and family want me back in hospital but I know they will just put the meds back up, so I've done it on my own. Took a higher dose this morning, and then I will up it to the full dose in the next week or so. I like to avoid hospital.

Im so super frustrated because on the meds I feel so retarded. But these meds have kept me more 'stable' than any I have been on (and I have been on a lot). With the lower dose it was so much easier to get out of bed in the morning. I felt my concerntration was better, I could actually read a whole chapter of my book and I could follow conversations easier.

But then the depression got worse. Now I cant even sit through my favorite tv shows, I just cant follow them. My mind feels blank a lot of the time, its like Im too depressed to even think. I keep having hysterical crying spells, I was sent home from work because the tears just would not stop. When they did stop it was because I was dissociating. I cant think, there are no thoughts just bonecrushing depression. I could lay looking at a wall all day and my mood will be the same as if I was lounging by a pool at a resort. Luckily though there is no anxiety or OCD yet...

Wait a few more days and the PMDD will start, once again the anxiety and OCD will run rampant and when Im already so depressed and suicidal its going to be hell. Even on the full dose of meds it barely had an effect on the PMDD. Even upping the AD at that time had no effect on the hormonal depression (although the docs want me to try a higher dose, Im not as keen on that as I like my orgasms thanks very much, the PMDD gives me a very high sex drive and I think its what helps me get through).

Theres nothing that can be done about the PMDD until next year and even that will be a gamble. I just dont know how I can go through another few months of this. Im holding on to hope that in a few weeks once the meds level out and the hormones of this month pass I will actually have a day that I dont desperately want to die...

I've done everything I was supposed to do. I meditate, I do yoga, I exercise, I practice mindfulness, I work, I volunteer, I stay in a good sleep schedule, I eat well, I practice cbt and positive affirmations, I attend regular therapy, I have a great support system. Why do I still struggle so much with depression?

I don't have any words of wisdom but I empathize. PMDD sucks and having to deal with it on top of bipolar disorder, anxiety and OCD...it's a lot. Zoloft helps me a bit with PMDD and Wellbutrin evens out the sexual performance issue somewhat. Hang in there. x

[catsrhelm]

Because depression is a chemical imbalance. Some people, such as myself, have to take medication to get some sort of mood stability. You might be one of those people too. I know side effects suck, but you'll feel better once you are medicated right. Also sometimes, side effects go away. You see, I am on Tegretol, and for a while it gave me blurry vision in only my right eye, but that went away. It might be the same way with your "feeling stupid", so just give it some time.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by catsrhelm

Because depression is a chemical imbalance. Some people, such as myself, have to take medication to get some sort of mood stability. You might be one of those people too. I know side effects suck, but you'll feel better once you are medicated right. Also sometimes, side effects go away. You see, I am on Tegretol, and for a while it gave me blurry vision in only my right eye, but that went away. It might be the same way with your "feeling stupid", so just give it some time.

well, APs can cause brain atrophy. not to scare OP. but if that's the case... !feeling! stupid might go away, actual stupid may be there... but their brain is gonna be so mushed they will not notice anymore.

also... withdrawal can be longer and more brutal than doctors admit. How long you been withdrawing? You may want to check Icarus community, people there have some experience with going off stuff and they even made a guide on Coming off. It may not be your !illness!, it can as well be the withdrawal...

I don't have much advice, except hold on and body surf the wave the best you can. Chances are... it's gonna get better. Episodes pass, even on their own. Be gentle to yourself, don't do anything damaging and be as well as you can.

If he'll listen, tell your doctor about the side effects you cannot tolerate. What side effects you are not willing to tolerate. Write everything down. There are many med combinations and maybe he can get a bit more creative. I have my antipsychotic as a prn so I can take it a lot when I need it or none at all in between and now I don't have those side effects, but I still have control.

Thanks everyone

I had been pretty stable on meds for 3 years, I was hoping I'd be able to cope on a lower dose or none as I do feel like its making me slower in the brain. Brain game training, crosswords, puzzles and all of those things I used to be good at are getting harder and harder. I find it hard to even read a book and I used to love reading. I cant talk on the telephone anymore and I find it hard to follow conversations with people.

I had been on the half dose for 3 weeks, I suspected it might be withdrawls not helping the situation but honestly could not go on like that. Looks like I will have to go inpatient if I ever want off these drugs.

My doctor is really good, but I have tried heaps and heaps of combinations and this is the one that works best for me. I know it works and has the least side effects of any combination I have ever been on. I'm not keen to try other combinations because it took 8 years to find this combination and get me stable, I dont want to go down that road again with the wrong meds causing big problems.

I dont mean to dismiss advice and support, I am appreciative. But you can see why I feel doomed. Since upping the dose of the zeldox again and having a break away from home I am already feeling better (as in not completely suicidal but still quite low), but dreading the hormonal change where the world will seem so black and endless again.

[venusss]

Three years is pretty long time to rewire your brain to be used to the drugs and go crazy when it is not getting it.

I dunno... people switch to drug of the same cathegory with longer half life for withdrawal or take stuff to lessen the withdrawal (benzos?). I never tried myself, but that's what I read

If you can tolerate the side effects, then I guess there is no problem.

I took ativan and seroquel when I got too distressed, but it didnt really help. Seroquel just made me too tired and slow to function for about 4 - 6 hours and ativan barely took the edge off. I tried not to take them much though, I get so worried about benzo addiction. I've gone through a lot of withdrawls before and this feels so different, but it is also different to my "normal" depressions too. I cant remember feeling such an obsessive urge to suicide before, but perhaps I have. I was completely hopeless, looking back now when I am a bit better I can see how irrational I was being. I also was informed that I have some rather large cysts on my ovaries halfway through the week, I bet that news affected me more than I realised at the time. Consciously I didnt feel affected but who knows what it could have triggered subconsciously.

The side effects of the drugs are more tolerable than from what I had from other med combos, and is one of the few that actually stabilisers me I should be thankful for that instead of worrying about anything else. I desperately hoped I could go back to study next year but this has effectively put an end to that.

The pdocs said we can play around with the antidepressants, maybe I can find a dose that is tolerable. I definitely need something else for the depression right now.

[venusss]

So are you thankful or feel you should be thankful? That is a major difference. And are you truly stabilized or just so mushed and slowed down that you... sorta feel it slowly and like on badly bootlegged VHS?

Can you maybe reduce very slowly, not half a dose at time? If your doctors are willing to experiment along with you... then go ahead. There is an another way and you deserve better then this.

I feel like I should be thankful.... Im not as dopey as I was on other med combinations. This is the lessor evil than any others I have been on.

I've gone back up to 3/4 dose now, I'll see how I go on that this week. I do already feel an improvement. I was on 3/4 dose for a week or so then down to half dose for the 3 weeks, it wasnt until about a week and a half after starting the half dose that I got bad. At the time I didnt click withdrawls causing such a severe effect because usually when I've changed meds the withdrawls hit quicker than that. Looking back its clearer.

I think if the AD did magically work for the PMDD a lot of my stress would be reduced. I know the good is never going to last long and the anxiety and OCD feel like they hit me from nowhere.

Im wondering is the PMDD is affected by the PCOS that I also suspect was caused by the long term use of AP.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you thought about taking the lower dose more often? Continue with the brain training exercises as they'll help combat the side effects. I would try to limit your daily routine until you try to get better. I even have pre made outfits for when I get depressed. Depression is a side effect of withdrawal. If you haven't tried an ad with this combo then try there may also be the option for a low dose adhd med to combat the current side effects but I'm a less is more person. Have you thought about hospitalization to detox and start all over again write a list of medicine and there side effects to start over.

Ok so today feeling a million times better! It is SUCH a relief. And my period has started. So how much of the last couple weeks has been PMDD and whats been withdrawls or a depressive cycle, its hard to know.

Its like I forget how bad it gets each month and then when it sneaks up on me again its a shock to the system. I feel like its never going to get better when Im like that. Then the bleeding starts and I feel completely different.

Im going to stay on the 3/4 dose for a while now I think. I wont try to mess with my meds again until the hormones are figured out (if they can figure something out for them). I am already on zoloft but have a bit of wriggle room to go up on that. But by the time it starts to take effect it should be time for my next gyno appointment anyway.

I think I will try and get some Zyprexa PRN from my pdoc for the next couple months of hormone cycles because the seroquel and ativan just dont cut it.

Thanks so much for the support. This thread has helped me figure things out in my mind.

And today I am wanting to cut out my ovaries with a kitchen knife so I never have to go through what I went through last week again. I know I shouldnt do that and it wouldnt be a smart thing to do but it doesnt stop me having the urge to do it, and picturing and planning it. Its disturbing me but it also feels like the solution.

[Victoria'smom]

I have thoughts like that a lot. usually it results in me taking seroquel and going to bed.

Seroquel wont knock me out anymore, just makes me dopey as **** for about 6 hours and too slow to go through with the thoughts, that are still there. Then I get even more depressed on the hangover and it messes up my sleep routine. I have to go to the pdoc tomorrow so I cant mess up my sleep routine. I feel like the emergency department could get me stitched up in time to be discharged for the app tomorrow, but logically I know they wouldnt let me go if I did that. Still feels like the solution.

Trying a less conventional "medicine" next to see if that takes the images and plans away.

[Victoria'smom]

All "unprescribed" medications have made the thoughts worse for me. I think it is best that you slow yourself down. Think about taking the PRN. Good luck

It worked. I spent the last few hours just rocking in my bed, off in fairyland thinking about Doctor Who. Its worn off now. Im not as sore as I was this morning so the urge to do it isnt as strong. Im fantasizing about it now rather than actively planning.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad the pain is less. Hopefully pdoc can help.

Hopefully Pdoc doesnt lock me up... I dont think she will, but its always a worry.

Starting to get urges to do it again. Been sharpening knives and looking up where to cut online. Boyfriend is on his way over now. Its closer to night time now so maybe a double dose of seroquel will be ok at this time of day. I just hate the hangover I get from it. I cant miss my appointment and I need to be able to drive.

[Victoria'smom]

Take it anyway, be honest, you were able to get through the night. Maybe instead of hospitalization they can remove the ovary or give you a hysterectomy? At least ask for that option.

Thanks for your support Miguels Mom, I know you are going through a tough time yourself and I appreciate it.

I feel really embarrassed having written this thread now. I feel so completely different today. I cant even believe I am the same person. I feel like I will be judged for going nuts, on a psyc forum, how silly is that!

My boyfriend came over last night and explained to me about what would happen if I cut out my own ovaries. At the time I didnt even think of blood loss, I believed that the hospital would just stitch me up and I'd be let out the next day. It didnt even occur to me how much damage I could do, I just thought it would be ok with a few stitches. I didnt have to take seroquel with him there.

They wont do hysterectomy's for people my age here, but it is an option for the future. Im going to try the mirena first because if that fixes the PMDD it is a simple fix. I arranged someone to drive me now so its just a matter of getting the final OK from the gyno. I still have ultrasounds to do first. The next appointment isnt until next year.

I am still terrified of next month. Had a good session with the t/pdoc this morning, she did ask me if I needed to go to hospital but I said no and she just told me she'd be upset if anything happened to me because she enjoys working with me. She did say I have to see the other pdoc ASAP and get some better PRN meds for next month. Im thinking about asking the other pdoc if there was anyway for him to get the gyno to move it along a bit quicker. I just do not know how I will survive another month when the hormones freak out again, it was seriously awful.

I still do feel a bit hopeless but nothing like last week. More fed up and tired. Impatiently waiting for this to be sorted.

[Victoria'smom]

I often have to have my husband explain what really will happen if I do (whatever my pretty little messed up head thinks of). I take PRN for them also about a month ago I thought I was exhaling hatred and needed to cut it from my lung before I made my friends baby evil I was fine the next morning.

I don't know where you live but could you go to a "free" or health clinic that has STD testing, pap smears and birth control. Usually are OB/GYN's at least on certain days. Some times GP's put in mirena because a lot of insurances don't cover GYN.

Im going through the private health system in my country. I had tried to get the mirena in the public system last year but the free clinic didnt offer it to people who havent had children, and the public gp cancelled my appointment on the day and when I tried to rebook they said they were no longer offering it. Im kind of glad I am getting to go through the private system for this, I know they will offer a better experience, and my pdoc is able to work with the gyno.

I just really hope the mirena solves everything. That would be so good.

[November Blue]

to say i have something wise and profoundly useful to say wouldnt be true, but i do sincerely hope that things start looking up. it sounds like you have already lived though a lot of troubles that would seem impossible to most people, and anyone who can fight that long deserves more than just a good day.

[PrairieCat]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Three years is pretty long time to rewire your brain to be used to the drugs and go crazy when it is not getting it.

I dunno... people switch to drug of the same cathegory with longer half life for withdrawal or take stuff to lessen the withdrawal (benzos?). I never tried myself, but that's what I read

If you can tolerate the side effects, then I guess there is no problem.

NOT benzos, as those can be very dangerous and are quite addictive. Not good if you're older because they can cause dementia in older people. Just my opinion. I'm on one right now and am getting off of it soonest.