[bumble2u]

super tired can't concentrate,
really not happy to have woken up,
slept in my clothes and couldn't be bothered to wash.
yuck i disgust myself.
thoughts running out of control,
sui thoughts not good.
paranoid about others thoughts.
worried again about the man with a gun but shouldn't be because that would be a good way out.
skittles headache.
get whine ,wine over.
cleanse with fire if the rain would not put that out.
work is a joke lacking humour.. so laugh .
isn't that what they all do?

[BlackSheep79]

Just woke up from a nap, this Latuda is knocking me out. I hope this eventually goes away when I go back to work.

[Skitz13]

Saw a naturopath today for an assessment. Was given stress b complex and Rhodiola to try and stable my mood but try and give me some energy.
I'll be getting acupuncture to quit smoking and hormone regulation. The doc said it's hard to tell how much is illness and hormones because of menopause so she'll just work on hormone regulation and see what happens. Makes me wonder now too.

[Curiosity77]

I had to give a presentation at work today. I wasn't nervous until i got to the front of the room and looked out at all the people and i got nervous. I don't really remember what i said, so hopefully i covered everything and made sense. People told me it was good, so i'll have to go with that. It was a competition, so hopefully i'll win! I find out june 23.

Other than that the day has been pretty chill. I'm feeling more calm, no more racing thoughts. I don't really want to mellow out, but i think it's happening anyway. Things are pretty good right now. It's nice.

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[Skitz13]

Up, can't sleep. Well... don't really want to. It's been a tough depressive week and I seem to be getting some relief tonight. I'm not even taking my medication tonight because i just don't want this to end. Feeling really good, more energy than I've had, just a nice break

[Notnrml85]

Today in a nutshell:
Racing & chaotic thoughts. Intrusive images of self harm. Extremely agitated, irritated & angry for no apparent reason. Snapped a few times at my kids & felt bad about it. Had a 2 hr. bout of sobbing in my bathroom w/a panic attack in the middle & out of klonopin. Last time I had a sobbing panic attack it took 4mg of klonopin to make me feel more calm & it took about 45 minutes. I've been getting these more often and it's usually triggered by negative feelings about myself or feelings of guilt & the intrusive images of self harm & sometimes suicide are always there w/these sobbing panic attacks. I think what used to make me feel suicidal was because I had so much abuse and childhood trauma going on that it was difficult to breathe without it hurting emotionally from age 11 till age 20. Then my suicidal ideation and attempts became about guilt and negative feelings about myself and I do t know exactly when it switched but when I look back, I can remember after the initial feelings of extreme pride & happiness I felt at 19 when I had our first child, it took about 6 months, but then is when it all switched. I became crazy intensely emotional and sensitive and I always feel like I've done doe thing wrong. Like I don't deserve these kids and this amazing husband I've been so lucky to have. Why can't I just be happy that I have a good family (at least my husband and kids, my extended family actually triggers me on a regular basis just by talking to me). This has been a rant and I don't even know if it made sense. Please someone let me know what they think about what I've said. I need some feedback tonight. Maybe someone has experienced something similar??? I just feel awful all the time. And I know I just got back on psych meds and started seeing. P doc again regularly, but I do t know how much longer I can handle this emotional whiplash!

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[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Notnrml85

Today in a nutshell:
Racing & chaotic thoughts. Intrusive images of self harm. Extremely agitated, irritated & angry for no apparent reason. Snapped a few times at my kids & felt bad about it. Had a 2 hr. bout of sobbing in my bathroom w/a panic attack in the middle & out of klonopin. Last time I had a sobbing panic attack it took 4mg of klonopin to make me feel more calm & it took about 45 minutes. I've been getting these more often and it's usually triggered by negative feelings about myself or feelings of guilt & the intrusive images of self harm & sometimes suicide are always there w/these sobbing panic attacks. I think what used to make me feel suicidal was because I had so much abuse and childhood trauma going on that it was difficult to breathe without it hurting emotionally from age 11 till age 20. Then my suicidal ideation and attempts became about guilt and negative feelings about myself and I do t know exactly when it switched but when I look back, I can remember after the initial feelings of extreme pride & happiness I felt at 19 when I had our first child, it took about 6 months, but then is when it all switched. I became crazy intensely emotional and sensitive and I always feel like I've done doe thing wrong. Like I don't deserve these kids and this amazing husband I've been so lucky to have. Why can't I just be happy that I have a good family (at least my husband and kids, my extended family actually triggers me on a regular basis just by talking to me). This has been a rant and I don't even know if it made sense. Please someone let me know what they think about what I've said. I need some feedback tonight. Maybe someone has experienced something similar??? I just feel awful all the time. And I know I just got back on psych meds and started seeing. P doc again regularly, but I do t know how much longer I can handle this emotional whiplash!

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OOHHHH I've had many of those days. Even just recently. I remember just a month ago intense rapid cycling in one day left me so panic stricken I ended up hiding under my couch. Scary man.
I also had an abusive childhood that still haunts me to this day. Major PTSD but can't deal with it in therapy because my moods are too unstable and it'll just send me right off the edge. Funny how we punish ourselves for something that was done TO us.

My kids are older now but I always punished myself for being a "psycho mom." All the suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I'm ashamed just thinking about it.

You have to let the meds take effect, unfortunately. My cycling has calmed down some but I know how you feel. It's intense, terrifying and absolutely exhausting.

Give yourself a break. You have an illness that's beyond your control. Are you getting any therapy to learn to manage this? It would be a help.

I have no good advice I just wanted to validate what you're going through and it will eventually come to an end.

Rather than feeling like you don't deserve an amazing family, be thankful for them.

[Notnrml85]

Originally Posted by Plzsti

OOHHHH I've had many of those days. Even just recently. I remember just a month ago intense rapid cycling in one day left me so panic stricken I ended up hiding under my couch. Scary man.

I also had an abusive childhood that still haunts me to this day. Major PTSD but can't deal with it in therapy because my moods are too unstable and it'll just send me right off the edge. Funny how we punish ourselves for something that was done TO us.


My kids are older now but I always punished myself for being a "psycho mom." All the suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I'm ashamed just thinking about it.


You have to let the meds take effect, unfortunately. My cycling has calmed down some but I know how you feel. It's intense, terrifying and absolutely exhausting.


Give yourself a break. You have an illness that's beyond your control. Are you getting any therapy to learn to manage this? It would be a help.


I have no good advice I just wanted to validate what you're going through and it will eventually come to an end.


Rather than feeling like you don't deserve an amazing family, be thankful for them.

Thank you for the validation! Seriously! Sometimes that's all I need to be able to continue my day & when I don't get it I feel insecure, vulnerable & unsure of myself. Unfortunately, it makes me come of as an overly sensitive, insecure & needy person, which I've heard can be rather irritating. So what happens?

I become needy, then people seem to (metaphorically) run away from me as fast as they possibly can. I feel like this is the only place I can say whatever I need to in order to vent without that response I usually get from people when I tell them what I'm actually thinking. People seriously have stated at me with a blank/offended look & I stand there and wonder "okay, so what did I do or say that is wrong?" Cause of course, it has to be something that I did, cause it seems as if no one else is ever at fault but me or maybe I'm just an easy scapegoat because of my mental illness. I hate all these thoughts that I can't keep up with. I would write but last time I wrote when I was mixed and couldn't sleep despite meds, I wrote for pages and pages and used a whole pilot g2 gel pen. Those pens are my favorite.

Side note: is it weird that I'm obsessed with art, school & office supplies. Staples and Office Depot are like my heaven. Maybe I should go buy some new pens whenever they open.

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[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Notnrml85

Thank you for the validation! Seriously! Sometimes that's all I need to be able to continue my day & when I don't get it I feel insecure, vulnerable & unsure of myself. Unfortunately, it makes me come of as an overly sensitive, insecure & needy person, which I've heard can be rather irritating. So what happens?

I become needy, then people seem to (metaphorically) run away from me as fast as they possibly can. I feel like this is the only place I can say whatever I need to in order to vent without that response I usually get from people when I tell them what I'm actually thinking. People seriously have stated at me with a blank/offended look & I stand there and wonder "okay, so what did I do or say that is wrong?" Cause of course, it has to be something that I did, cause it seems as if no one else is ever at fault but me or maybe I'm just an easy scapegoat because of my mental illness. I hate all these thoughts that I can't keep up with. I would write but last time I wrote when I was mixed and couldn't sleep despite meds, I wrote for pages and pages and used a whole pilot g2 gel pen. Those pens are my favorite.

Side note: is it weird that I'm obsessed with art, school & office supplies. Staples and Office Depot are like my heaven. Maybe I should go buy some new pens whenever they open.

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Lol, I don't mean to laugh but you really are not that unusual even though you may think so. I can relate to you 100%

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Plzsti

Up, can't sleep. Well... don't really want to. It's been a tough depressive week and I seem to be getting some relief tonight. I'm not even taking my medication tonight because i just don't want this to end. Feeling really good, more energy than I've had, just a nice break

Totally hypo !!! Boy am I gonna pay for this. Well...whatever!!

[Angry1541]

Originally Posted by Plzsti

Totally hypo !!! Boy am I gonna pay for this. Well...whatever!!

Hang in there...

Myself, I am on a down swing due to a spring cold....bah!!! I hate being sick...and being sick is so much different without alcohol or cigarettes. Can't remember the last time I had a sober or cigaretteless cold....

Hahahaha

[Standup2me]

I'm out of bed
I'm depressed
I did not call in to work sick
All in all, that's a pretty big "go me"

[BlackSheep79]

This latuda is kicking my butt, I just woke up from a 4 hour nap.

[Angry1541]

Got up and showered this morning -- been bad at that lately.
Was out sick yesterday and felt really really guilty leaving my co-worker to handle everything (she's sick too). I get a lot of anxiety about taking sick days or vacation days (particularly if I stay at home on vaca days).
Zoloft has me bouncing my leg constantly, but at least I am not depressed, or I don't think I am...kinda just feel like I am here...don't really feel anything either way.
Gotta talk with my pdoc about the bouncing leg thing....I can't sit still, either I am rocking in my office chair or bouncing my leg like a mad man (till my leg get sore at the end of the day).

Bah....blah blah blah...a little worried about the weekend, my wifes works all weekend, so I will be home alone, and won't know what to do with myself....I get really antsy when home alone...maybe I will work on some music...or writing...or both.

IDK -- I feel like should be doing SOMETHING....but I don't know what to do...hahaha.

[Skitz13]

Crashed and burned!!!!

[Skitz13]

OOhhh feel like absolute crap. I feel like I've just come off a 3 day binge. Felt pretty good yesterday afternoon then just climbed and spiked early this morning. Totally confused trying to get so much done and couldn't accomplish anything. I got so high my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, totally wired, talked to so many people and have no idea what I said. Ended up going right into a panic attack. Called my therapist and she said it was a rebound effect for not taking my medication last night, don't know, one of us is missing something, crashed this afternoon and I feel horrible. I just can't take this. I don't know what's going to give out first, my head or my body

Was that not a mixed episode or something?

[Notnrml85]

Slept for three hours last night. Spent an hour and a half at 2 AM on the floor in the bathroom having another crying sobbing panic attack. We're finally going to pick up my prescription for Klonopin today. So hopefully those panic attacks we can nip them in the bud. I really feel like complete **** today but I picked my kids up from school & now were at a playground & I'm sitting in the shade watching them play. I don't want to be here, but I'm doing this for them not me. Oh, **** hope I sleep tonight.

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[Blitter2014]

I finally upped my Saphris last night as I have no work lined up at all for next week.....great no income.

But the nightmares have returned with a vengeance. So vividly real and unbelievably dusturbing. I hate sleeping.
I hate this life when my bipolar rules and has the upper hand. Pdoc said a full month I have to be patient. . .its going to be a long month. Life sucks

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[wildflowerchild25]

I started laundry and did half the dishes. I read stories to my son. Otherwise glued to couch. Was ****ed up at work, almost fell asleep driving twice, couldn't sleep last night, meds are ****ing with me, I have no idea what to do.

But I got some **** done.

[Skitz13]

Finally had 8 hours of sleep, had a nutritious breakfast, going to attempt a 5k walk, thinking positive that it will be a good day

[Notnrml85]

I'm taking my kids to a 3 yr. old girls birthday party today. I'm definitely taking my entire daily allowed dose of klonopin before we get there. I'm freaked out that with all the people I'll be uncomfortable & maybe end up having a panic attack. I tend to avoid crowded places cause it makes me feel panicky. I'm even nervous to drive lately cause I'm freaked out that I could have a panic attack while I'm driving on the freeway or something. I'm turning into one of those people who is scared to leave the house because it means I'll have to talk to people & that idea makes me so uncomfortable. Unless it's a one-on-one situation. I'm okay in those types of social situations. For some reason when there's more than a few people in one space I start to get that uncomfortable, nervous, hot & panicky. It's been a few years since my anxiety & panic attacks have been this often or this severe. I've also be irritable & agitated especially when there's more than one type of noise going on in one room (like several conversations going on at once or like when the tv is going and then someone is strumming a guitar at the same time). I feel almost like my 6 year old son when he gets overstimulated & has a tantrum & puts his fingers in his ears & then kind of shuts down.

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Notnrml85 - I totally relate to what you are saying. I'm the same way. It's tough.

I'm not feeling very well. Father's Day is tomorrow and that isn't a good holiday for me. But it's ok. It keeps raining here...has been for days and it gives me headaches from the barometric pressure changes. I have mountains of laundry to do. Meh. lol

[Blitter2014]

I have to go to a function today where I am dreading seeing two people who have been nasty to me in the past. It must be worrying me because I even dreamt about it.
But thats not going to stop me. Its not fair to back out and make my wife do it alone with our daughter. I can do it. If either one says anything......"lord give me patience, cause if you give me strength I'll hit them"

Keep telling myself can do.

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Feeling tired, emotional and very flat today ... I need a good nights sleep ... not slept all night for a few weeks now and am presuming a high is on it's way again although I really do not feel like it today.

[r010159]

My depression has been under control, but I have been having allot of anxiety.