[BipolaRNurse]

Possible trigger warning.....

This is really strange for me, but at a time of year when I'm usually manic, I find myself horribly depressed and wanting out. Part of it has to do with my life situation, which sucks because things are coming apart at the seams and I don't know how to fix it. I'm still out of work and am so anxious at even the thought of nursing again that I don't see myself doing it at all. Which means starting out all over again at 55, like there's a huge job market for older people...NOT.

So I've got to scale back my lifestyle because my husband and I are no longer middle class. We can't afford to live here, but we can't afford to move either. $360 a week in unemployment benefits doesn't go very far. I'm used to making $1200 a week before taxes.

OK fine, now I'm playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with the utility bills to try to figure out which one will suck less when it gets shut off. And the depression has been coming on for a week or so, but hit me full force yesterday and I'm having a hard time getting my mind off wanting to be out of this mess I've created. I haven't done anything and promised my friends I wouldn't, but it's really hard even though I think this whole thing is a massive overreaction to stupid stresses that anyone can go through.

I know I'm going to have to call my pdoc because I need something tweaked (and he really would take it hard if he saw my name in the obituaries), but for right now I'm just doing what I can to stay safe. a friend of mine suggested going to the ER but I think that's a little over the top. I'm not an immediate danger to myself. I did get a little relief from talking about it in my blog, and even more from gouging my skin a little (I tend to be a picker). I mean, I've got enough drugs in the house to kill myself five times over, but even I think it's too melodramatic to OD under these circumstances. And I loathe melodrama.

Frankly, I don't think I have the guts to kill myself, and that's probably a good thing, at least for the people who care about me. But I'm also not sure I have the cojones to handle having my life fall apart around me either. I don't know WTF to do. All I know is I'm not going to do anything foolish tonight. Thanks for being here.

Slow down. I thought you were the most sane one here. I think everyone here will take it hard it you're no longer with us as well.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way I hope your pdoc is able to adjust things to help you start feeling better soon

[Curiosity77]

Remember this feeling is temporary. One thing about bipolar is it always changes. Try to ride this depression out, and keep yourself safe. Your situation with work and money sounds really stressful. I don't have any advice, but i wanted to post to offer support if i can. Big hugs to you

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[Victoria'smom]

Cash you call your pdoc now and take a sleeping pill to get through the night? As for the bills are they on levelized payments? Have you applied for assistants through those companies? But for now call pdoc and rest.

Please get rid of all your extra meds. It only makes things worse being there.

If you saw me post this would respond with go to the ER? Than please go. You have to take care of yourself as well as you advocate us to.

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

...and I'm having a hard time getting my mind off wanting to be out of this mess I've created. I haven't done anything and promised my friends I wouldn't, but it's really hard even though I think this whole thing is a massive overreaction to stupid stresses that anyone can go through….
Frankly, I don't think I have the guts to kill myself, and that's probably a good thing, at least for the people who care about me. But I'm also not sure I have the cojones to handle having my life fall apart around me either. I don't know WTF to do. All I know is I'm not going to do anything foolish tonight. Thanks for being here.

Always.
What? Create? You haven't created a mess. Stuff happens. You didn't create it, so don't beat yourself up about it, ok?
It's stressful stuff, to be sure. I don't think anyone would just la-di-da skip through it like nothing. So no need to give them any more credit than yourself. You are just as mighty. Sure, it doesn't feel that way right now. But you will be able to see it in hindsight. In a way, with BP, you have an advantage. WHAT?! You understand the transitory. And the way something can feel SO much a certain way at a given point in time, but not be permanent. And later to be pulled out of the depths in ways that were impossible to see in that earlier time.

One minute at a time if that's what it takes. You can make it through things you would never have believed.

Wishing you sweet tonight. Everything else can wait.

[Yoda]

So what is most troubling for you right now? Self esteem because you are not working? Relationship problems? Financial? Wanting/needing to move to a different place? Not enough support network?

I know some of those you didn't mention but I am trying to understand what you mean when you say you are upset with your 'life situation.' What exactly do you want to 'fix'?

Sending hugs

[amd08992]

This is one of the first posts I have read and I can relate. I know normally talking about killing yourself casually is frowned upon, but I have found myself lately having an inner struggle so again, I can relate to your inner struggle. You honestly feel that not being around would make things much more simple BUT also know that it's not a way to make anything better and would in fact make things much worse for those that care about you. I find myself struggling with that a lot, that and the fact that like you I just don't have the balls to actually do it. But thanks to good old depression rearing it's ugly head it doesn't seem like it's something you can always just NOT think about. You are not alone in this and I want you to know that. I applaud you for realizing that it's not the route to take, as I know that sometimes it is more tempting then we want to admit. This tough time will soon pass and you will be able to look back and say well, that really sucked but I got through it.

[Skitz13]

Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Like Curiosity77 said, you have to ride it out. It will pass.

You need to give yourself a break. Life's difficult right now but it's not your fault and I think deep down you know it. This is just the distorted thinking going on. Try not to get a head of yourself in terms of your career right now. I'm 50 and in the same situation as you but first things first, I need to take care of me first, and that's what you need to do right now.
You know your thinking is going to make you feel worse

Maybe you don't need the ER yet, but please keep an eye on it. I trust that you are aware of what steps you need to take, and when.

And I'm wondering why you would have that much medication in the house. I hope you're not hoarding.

Be safe. PM anytime.

[~Christina]

Hey Hun ...

I really hate seeing you in such a distressed state.. You have had way more than your fair share of shyt times. Of course its normal to feel the way you do because of your current situations... But, this depression is a driving force right now that is causing you to doubt things and beat yourself up ... You know this deep down.

Now is the time to call your wonderful Pdoc and get some help medication wise .. But its also time to take care of you and find ways to decrease the feelings your having. You have kids that love you and a husband that adores you .. that is what really matters .

Please stay safe PM me anytime

[BipolaRNurse]

Thank you, all. I took some Ativan and got a decent night's sleep, so I feel a little better and I'm not sui today. One step at a time, right? I also called my pdoc, who gave me 15 minutes of free therapy and instructed me to go back to my original dose of Zyprexa until further notice. I'd tried cutting it down by 1.25 mg (with his OK) and that was apparently not a good idea, as I'd been stable for months and now I'm a mess. Who knew that such a minor med change would make this big a difference.

I'm not hoarding pills. I have a lot because my PCP always ordered 3 months worth of Ativan at a time and I had a lot left over from that prescription. My husband is the only one who knows where they are---I had him hide them after I OD'd last fall. And of course I have all the regular Rx, which could be lethal if I were to ingest them all. But I won't.....guess I lack the guts to stand being thought of as taking the 'easy' way out. Easy, my @$$. LOL

[sarahblue]

Glad you're doing better

Yeah its amazing how much a minor change in meds during a stressful time can upset the balance. You are doing well keeping it together given your situation. Money issues are so stressful and it would be a huge change in lifestyle for you. Have you thought about what employment options you could pursue? Is there any support you can use to find a new job? I dont know how the welfare system works over there but here they will assist you in training for new careers and help find job options for you. Much of this may be too much to think about while your mood is low but I find having a plan helps me to stabilise.

[Victoria'smom]

How's today going?

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm a little better today. The SI has gone away, I'm still not thrilled with life but I got a really good night's sleep for the first time in a couple of weeks. Who know that such a small amount of Zyprexa would make so much of a difference. But I guess it's good for bipolar depression as well as knocking down mania. Thanks for asking.

[icinggurl]

It's great that you'll consult your doc before tweaking meds! I don't know anything about your friend, but if he or she doesn't have mental illness, sometimes they can be quick to tell us to go to the ER. Like you said, you aren't a danger to yourself or others which is the primary need for the hospital. If your doc advises it, that's different. My doc told me that if I ever had a complete freak out, taking Ativan 2 mg is the standard in ER'a when people come in with panic attacks. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT telling you to do that, so plz no one get mad at me! I know we bipolars are notorious for messing with our own meds (me included). I'm ONLY saying what my doc told me and you could always ask yours about that. Considering all the physical or medications that can cause adverse reactions to different meds, NEVER do this on your own.

Hang in there! Hugs!

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[swheaton]

My friend, it will get better Don't blame yourself for this situation, stuff happens. You are a strong person...stronger than you could ever imagine. This will pass,trust me

[so_punk_rock]

I agree with "Curiosity" and "Innerzone". Im 22 and live with mom so I can't say I know what it's like to experience these problems. What I can say is that I dont want you to give up on yourself.....ever. When you're experiencing depression, it can be so painful that the thought of suicide is very tempting but I dont want the depression to lead us to destroying ourselves. We just have to ride it out. Life throws $hit at you and then you get depression, it's like a double whammy lol. You have to be a really strong person to be able to live like that and I believe everyone here is really brave and really strong for still being alive and surviving despite these obstacles.

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm kinda back in the dumper again. Not actively having SI but I am so OVER this whole jobless/poverty thing. My family and I were dirt-poor for years and I swore once I got out of nursing school that we would never be again.....well, now I can't nurse and can't seem to figure out what other work I can do, and yet our income is still "too high" for any sort of assistance. It's our overhead that's killing us. Nobody's fault but our own.....well, MY own. I'm the one with the history of bipolar shopping.

I know, First World problems and all that. But knowing that I'm probably going to be more or less homeless in a few weeks or so doesn't do a thing for the mood, and there's no pill that will make this go away. At least I don't have the SI thing going; I'm sleeping well again and able to recognize that my brain is trying to murder me, and I'm not going to let it.

[pawn78]

Is there any way you could get your foot back in the nursing door? Or perhaps with your education and experience, you could pursue a similar job in healthcare?

[Victoria'smom]

Home health aid?

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I'm kinda back in the dumper again. Not actively having SI but I am so OVER this whole jobless/poverty thing. My family and I were dirt-poor for years and I swore once I got out of nursing school that we would never be again.....well, now I can't nurse and can't seem to figure out what other work I can do, and yet our income is still "too high" for any sort of assistance. It's our overhead that's killing us. Nobody's fault but our own.....well, MY own. I'm the one with the history of bipolar shopping.

I know, First World problems and all that. But knowing that I'm probably going to be more or less homeless in a few weeks or so doesn't do a thing for the mood, and there's no pill that will make this go away. At least I don't have the SI thing going; I'm sleeping well again and able to recognize that my brain is trying to murder me, and I'm not going to let it.

I too understand not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I've had to leave an amazing job. I didn't have to worry about a thing. And then, well this took over. I now live right at the poverty line. My life has changed drastically and I have no idea yet, what the step will be. That's for me and my therapist to work out.
I just believe that whatever is meant to be, will be. I'm not helping myself stabilize by worrying about something, I can't change yet.

Glad to read your line of determination. Ya can't give up, ya just can't so..you fight back.

[BipolaRNurse]

Well, I'm back from the brink again. Today was the best day I've had in a good couple of weeks. I think I've developed a case of the "awF***its" as I call it---I can't do anything concrete about this situation at this moment, so I might as well make some popcorn and watch the drama unfold. I'm still pretty unstable so I'm not even making plans for the next day.....gotta take everything a day at a time. But I'm no longer sui, and I've started thinking about other people again. Always a good sign.

I have just about decided that I am completely done with nursing. The only nursing jobs I can do physically, I can't handle mentally. I can't do the 24/7/365 responsibility thing again. I can't be on-call because I take so much medication that I can barely stagger to the bathroom in the middle of the night, let alone drive to the workplace and deal with whatever emergency has arisen. I need a job where I can do my work for 8 or 10 hours and leave it at the door when I go home---no emotional entanglements or checking back on a patient I'm worried about.

Besides....and I hate to admit this, but I get nauseated even THINKING about being responsible for another person's life. There was a time when I was very good at it, but that time has passed and it's not coming back. Something's crossed over in me and I just can't undo the damage that untreated bipolar did to my brain.

The hard part is not knowing what I DO want to do. Nothing is ever going to pay as well as nursing did, but it's just my husband and me, and we needed to downscale our life anyway. I didn't reckon on becoming homeless, but it hasn't happened just yet and who knows, the right job might land in my lap tomorrow and save us.

[sarahblue]

It sounds like you've made up your mind about nursing, but...! There are places for nurses to work that are much less stressful than a hospital setting! I worked in a nursing home and you pretty much have a regular shift, so when you leave work you leave it all there. My sister is a visiting nurse. She sets up appointments with her clients, does the online paperwork at home, and has plenty of time to be with her teenage son.

Just some thoughts.

Sending good vibes your way.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you go through HUD to keep your home? There's several programs that help low to upper middle class keep there homes. I'm glad your feeling better today.