[Skitz13]

So after the mania and the crash, depression is setting in and I'm afraid it's going to get comfortable. It hit a few hours ago and I'm afraid.

The crying, the SI all of it. I'm trying to distract myself but nothings working.
I'm alone. Can't tell my kids about what's been going on, they have their own problems and I don't want them involved in the drama of it all.

It doesn't help that the craziness of last weeks mania has hurt someone I care very much about. He wont even speak to me. I've hurt him deeply. I've tried to reach out but he wont reach back. He's just a friend who wants more than I'm able to give but he means the world to me and knowing I've hurt him just kills me.

Talked to my T today. I told her that the events of last week just won't let me go. She told me to try mindfulness. I tried but my mind just wont stay still. I don't even want to do it anyway.

I just replied to a thread, saying that you have to keep up the fight. I know I have to follow my own advice and i'm fighting but It's soooo hard to do.

I know what this depression does to me and I'm scared of where it's going to take me. I've been there so many times before. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. I don't even have enough meds to knock me out tonight. It's gonna be a long one.

I HATE, HATE, HATE THIS ILLNESS!!!

[pawn78]

I wish I could relate and give you advice. But all i can give you is an e-hug. I am not that experienced with depression, and I have different cycles than you. I am an EXPERT on mania, lol, but I have only had a couple of 'mild' depressive episodes.

The last depressive episode I had, I felt like there was no hope...but I never stopped fighting for hope..and I held onto it with all my might, and after a long time and getting help, I came out of it.

[TheatreKid]

Sometimes when I'm in that dark hole it helps me to know that another person knows and cares. So keep fighting, and feel free to check in here or PM me if you need someone to tell you so.

Depression always passes eventually. Things will get light again.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by pawn78

I wish I could relate and give you advice. But all i can give you is an e-hug. I am not that experienced with depression, and I have different cycles than you. I am an EXPERT on mania, lol, but I have only had a couple of 'mild' depressive episodes.

The last depressive episode I had, I felt like there was no hope...but I never stopped fighting for hope..and I held onto it with all my might, and after a long time and getting help, I came out of it.

Thanks pawn, I've been here many times before. It just goes on and on. You're fortunate that you stay on the higher side. Thanks for the hug

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by TheatreKid

Sometimes when I'm in that dark hole it helps me to know that another person knows and cares. So keep fighting, and feel free to check in here or PM me if you need someone to tell you so.

Depression always passes eventually. Things will get light again.

Thank you. I know it passes and I know it's my mind screwing with me. But it's just so painful, it's absolutely agonizing.

[Skitz13]

lol can't even get through to the distress center

[TheatreKid]

I'm in Canada too. Are you in Ontario by chance? I had a great experience with Distress Centres Ontario once. Keep calling, hopefully you'll get someone.

If you really can't get anyone, and just want to talk to someone, 7cupsoftea.com might help.

[Mrs. Mania]

When I was first diagnosed it was for depression. I was lower than a worm in dirt. The last time I attempted suicide was 20 years ago and I haven't been down like that since. BiPolar disorder came into my life and the battle to control manic episodes took over. Recently however, I am a worm in dirt. It is a foreign yet familiar feeling that I don't like. I concentrate on my kid, bottom line. You said you have kids, maybe you can focus on them. EVERYONE ,needs their mom! That said, you are too worthy for that end. Hang in there

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by TheatreKid

I'm in Canada too. Are you in Ontario by chance? I had a great experience with Distress Centres Ontario once. Keep calling, hopefully you'll get someone.

If you really can't get anyone, and just want to talk to someone, 7cupsoftea.com might help.

Ya I live in Ontario. I've already been disconnected once. I don't have enough Serequel tonight to knock me out but I found cold medication and took a bunch of that. Hopefully it'll put me out

[BipolaRNurse]

I am so sorry. I know how painful this must be for you.....just came out of a bout with depression myself, and the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that my brain was lying to me. I would just sit there, thinking thoughts of death and destruction, and then remind myself that it was all bull****, my brain was trying to murder me and I was NOT going to allow that.

It's not fun being unable to trust one's own brain, but with us---during mood episodes, anyway---we don't have that luxury. Once we get back to normal (whatever that is), we can make peace with our brains again. I hope you get back to a place where you can trust yours not to betray you. Hold on.

[Skitz13]

Well I've taken a lot of medication so I'm going to lay down. Thank you for all your support

[Skitz13]

Well managed to get through the night but the drug hangover doesn't feel so good. The main thing is that I got through.

I was panicking last night because my depressions are really bad. Suicide attempts and all. This morning I can rationalize a little better.

Again thank you TheaterKid for that link, it made a big difference. There's nothing worse than going through these episodes alone with no one to talk to.

I see my pdoc today so I'm sure there are med changes coming my way. Thank you again to everyone.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I am so sorry. I know how painful this must be for you.....just came out of a bout with depression myself, and the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that my brain was lying to me. I would just sit there, thinking thoughts of death and destruction, and then remind myself that it was all bull****, my brain was trying to murder me and I was NOT going to allow that.

It's not fun being unable to trust one's own brain, but with us---during mood episodes, anyway---we don't have that luxury. Once we get back to normal (whatever that is), we can make peace with our brains again. I hope you get back to a place where you can trust yours not to betray you. Hold on.

Thanks BipolaRNurse
I kept trying to remind myself it's my mind but when you get that far gone it escapes you and hard to reach. I'm hoping for a better day. I'm numb It's daylight as well and that helps. My worst is at night. I'll be able to get my serequel today as well, that I'm sure will help.

[Skitz13]

Busy day, trying to mend fences and I saw my pdoc today. With last weeks mania, which she said was full blown mania and the depression setting in I begged her to just keep me sedated. Not my philosophy but I'm just so scared about last week and the depression this week, I guess I'm panicking. I surrendered to her. I'm letting her call the shots with the meds whether I like it or not. Both my anti-psychotics have been increased and she's monitoring me closely, she's wondering about BP1.

I have meds to sleep tonight so it's going to be a very early bedtime. I have to be supper supper vigilant in taking care of myself.

Better days ahead, I hope.

[Love&Toil]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I am so sorry. I know how painful this must be for you.....just came out of a bout with depression myself, and the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that my brain was lying to me. I would just sit there, thinking thoughts of death and destruction, and then remind myself that it was all bull****, my brain was trying to murder me and I was NOT going to allow that.

It's not fun being unable to trust one's own brain, but with us---during mood episodes, anyway---we don't have that luxury. Once we get back to normal (whatever that is), we can make peace with our brains again. I hope you get back to a place where you can trust yours not to betray you. Hold on.

Nodding in agreement.

[Rina290]

Skitz3, you wrote this post yesterday and now today is today. How have you fared. Are you felling better worse or indifferent? I know that nobody can take away the depression, but I will be here, looking out for your answer. Take care.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Rina290

Skitz3, you wrote this post yesterday and now today is today. How have you fared. Are you felling better worse or indifferent? I know that nobody can take away the depression, but I will be here, looking out for your answer. Take care.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thank you for caring. That means a lot, since I'm feeling like the worst person on earth.
I slept for a 9 hours last night. So far I'm optimistic that things will get better. I've already woke to 2 really supportive pm's.

My close friend that I hurt during the absolute craziness last week will be coming by for coffee. They don't even know I have BP. So it's going to be a long coffee.

I'm thinking some of the depression is because of the feelings I have about last week. Because I've never experienced mania like that before, I'm feeling a lot of negativity and can't kick myself enough.
I'm really scared this is going to happen again and it just can't. Not thrilled about the meds but I'm desperate to do whatever I can.

So today, so far, this is where I'm at. Thank you so much for your reply.