[cashart10]

So, my husband about yelled at me over the phone to tell me I need to get up and do something. I have been feeling agitated and anxious for some time. The anxiety has me glued to the couch: I am afraid of taking care of my kids, cleaning my house, messing up, living, anything to do with responsibility. I have lots of anxiety usually, but not like this, nothing like this. The agitation is miserable because I have all this pent up aggravated energy that makes me want to self harm, all the time I will have flashes of self harm or really intense visions of suicide. The mix of agitation and anxiety is from hell. Anyway, when my husband came home I told him he hadn't been harsh on the phone; he'd actually been mean. He said it's because he can only hear about it so much before it is overloading. He is right. I do tend to talk about my problems too much when I am feeling off. I always have done that and I don't enjoy being a burden. Well, right now I need to keep talking because I really feel suicidal. I have had the thoughts more passively for the last couple of weeks but now they are becoming more intense and harder to deny. I feel like if I had a terminal physical illness this would be the time to roll over and give up. I simply cannot go inpatient right now so what do I do to stay safe and alive?

[Bpfroggy]

Do you think you might be in a mixed state? I went through something similar a few weeks ago and it was hell. Remember that it will pass. Please take care of yourself and stay safe and post here as much as you need to for support.

[littlemiss44]

Why can't you go impatient? I would get to a hospital asap..do you have a pdoc you can see soon if you won't go? I'm so sorry yr struggling so much. It seems that the hospital is yr only option right now. I mean I have skills I can tell you about like four square breathing. Take in a deep breath and hold for four seconds. Then exhale and hold for another four seconds. Repeat that four times while outlining a square in yr mind while ur doing it. Since you are so suicidal I think you need to get to a professional right away

[Bpfroggy]

^ yes I would agree -- when I felt this way I ended up going to the ER. They may be able to give you a med adjustment that will have you feeling better pretty quickly. If you are suicidal you should make taking care of yourself a priority.

[~Christina]

If your suicidal and just cant function at all then you need to be inpatient. Yes you have a family and children to take care of but how can you care for them if you cant care for yourself ?

At least call your Pdoc ... Keep posting here.... you can also call a crisis hotline #

Reach out for help

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by littlemiss44

Why can't you go impatient? I would get to a hospital asap..do you have a pdoc you can see soon if you won't go? I'm so sorry yr struggling so much. It seems that the hospital is yr only option right now. I mean I have skills I can tell you about like four square breathing. Take in a deep breath and hold for four seconds. Then exhale and hold for another four seconds. Repeat that four times while outlining a square in yr mind while ur doing it. Since you are so suicidal I think you need to get to a professional right away

I have tried this breathing (I posted a rather similar post before it was this bad, I hope I don't wear you guys out, and you responded to my post with this helpful method. I just don't always think of using this method because I have never known to try and fight these terrible thoughts) and I have tried distraction. It can be helpful but my thoughts and emotions overpower every time. I can't go inpatient because school starts next week and I have too much to do to get everything ready for my kids...which I am terrified about. Plus, I'm scared to tell my family I'm suicidal again and for my kids to have to go through another hospitalization.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If your suicidal and just cant function at all then you need to be inpatient. Yes you have a family and children to take care of but how can you care for them if you cant care for yourself ?

At least call your Pdoc ... Keep posting here.... you can also call a crisis hotline #

Reach out for help

Thanks Christina, my pdoc called me this morning, this episode seems to be the result of a med adjustment and she is checking in on me. I told her the thoughts were worse but I didn't stress to her how badly they were I suppose (I don't think it was intentional, and today has been much scarier than any I've had). She said she would call me back early next week and to call her or go in if things got worse. The reasons I can't go in revolve around my kids.

[littlemiss44]

If it saves ur life then you should go no matter what you have to do...yr family wants you to be safe and they need you healthy and feeling better.

[littlemiss44]

Please be safe and get to the hospital hunny.

[BipolaRNurse]

Your family needs you HERE, not dead and buried. If that means your husband has to take over for a little while so you can get the treatment you need, well, that's what marriage is all about. Seems he could be a little more supportive, so here's his chance. Think how devastated your loved ones would be if you went off the deep end. Get thee to the hospital, please!

[cashart10]

So, I need to tell you gals about what just happen. It will seem a bit absurd. I was in the shower with all this pent up energy and I finally let it out, so I was pacing a bit and then I put my hands in the shower water with my thumbs touching and my hands out and then the lyrics to a NIN song came into my head "bow down before the one you serve, you're going to get what you deserve." But the song didn't actually come to me, it was like it was placed in my head, so I bowed down on the ground. Then I was thinking who am I bowing to? Jesus? That is who I bow to. But, then I realized since this was a nine inch nails song that was given to me it must be a pagan god. And I thought all those other times they thought I was psychotic it was just a pagan god. I told my husband this and he told me rationally that it was an insane thought and I needed to take a hold of it and then asked me if I could be trusted to be by myself. I told him yes.

[~Christina]

Oh dear ... please reconsider getting help.. Let your husband know how your really feeling and thinking..

Stay safe

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh dear ... please reconsider getting help.. Let your husband know how your really feeling and thinking..

Stay safe

Thank you. Now I feel like electrical currents are running through my body...which is a good thing and I think maybe there is a pagan god living in MY shower water. I think maybe the shower happened for a reason I just don't know what it is yet. I had to sneak away from bed to get on the computer. My husband is trying to control me right now because he thinks that by controlling me he can control my illness. At least I think that's what he thinks. Perhaps I may have gotten a little giddy feeling. Maybe it will last and all of that nasty agitation and anxiety will leave.

[cashart10]

It must make sense, right? The Bible tells us there are false gods.

[Victoria'smom]

Your husband is scared that's why he's being Controlling. Your children can tell he's afraid so they're too.please look into day treatment as your kids start school. You can tell them your going to college.

[otroo]

If I was you I would tell your husband everything and then go to the hospital to see if they can help with your meds.

[cashart10]

Thank you all for your support. I am a little confused between what is and is not reality some of the time right now but I am telling my husband what I am thinking and experiencing so I am safe. The thoughts are worse but I am still enough in control. It is just hard right now. My doctor will be checking in with me Tues morning. I will tell her everything then.

i am ALL about some NIN. the song is about bowing down to god money which seems to control every aspect of society, not bowing down to a pagan god. maybe that helps ease your mind a little?

im sorry that your thinking is a little disjointed and your reality feels fuzzy.
stay safe and be gentle with yourself

[Love&Toil]

How are you doing now cashart? I am worried about you.

[pawn78]

you really need to drop all delusions in your head, and focus on reality. You know, REAL REALITY, not gods or demons, or angels, or imaginary shower-fairies, just REAL PEOPLE, and things, and life, stuff that everyone shares as real, and not stuff that is only real to you alone.
It helped me tremendously, once I finally let go of all the imaginary spiritual obsessions.

[cashart10]

Trigger warning!!! I don't know pawn...I went to church tonight and I was so terrified I wanted to hide under the bench my husband and I were sitting in. Instead, I told my husband about it and we walked around, away from people. I still couldn't shake the feeling. Everything my preacher said felt like it hit me in the head. I am paranoid. I just can't tell...and I definitely am not always like this...it's just that these thoughts are placed in my mind and they are there for a reason. It makes me want to hang from a noose. I have little kids though and I can't imagine messing up their lives like that.

[pawn78]

delusions SEEM very real, that is why we call them delusions. If they didn't seem real, they would be easy thoughts to ignore. When I was delusional about spiritual things, I was ABSOLUTELY SURE IT WAS ALL REAL!!! It wasn't, I was hallucinating, and believing insane things. I finally was hospitalized, but it wasn't until I dropped all the spiritual mumbo-jumbo a few years later, that I fully stabilized.

GOOD LUCK!

[cashart10]

I was roped into taking my kids to an amusement park with my husband. I wanted to go because I knew my kids would enjoy it but I knew it would be a terrible idea for me. It was so triggering. I wanted to run constantly, I wanted to cry. The worst I did was walk away to the emptiest spot I could find and curl up and sit down as often as I could...when my husband was riding with the kids, mostly. I suffered and I'm not sure how I survived. I know everyone wants this, but i just wish I could be well.

[lilypup]

When I was in your shoes, I would stay home from things like an amusement park. Your husband is capable of taking the kids by himself. Then maybe later you would be able to make some simple sandwiches for dinner and snuggle in with your kids for a movie or something quiet. When I was depressed I parented a lot from the couch or bed. I made sure to talk as much as I could to the kids each day. I hugged and kissed them and looked at all their schoolwork. I helped with homework. I didn't go anywhere I didn't feel I could do. I missed some things in their lives but my husband was there. I did the best I could do. My kids are grown now and they don't seem much worse for wear from my illness. Take it easy on yourself.

[alab]

I hoe you are feeling better. I also think an inpatient program might be helpful. I am glad you are talking about your feelings on the forum. I hope it helps to jet get it out there. when I have bad anxiety, I try to keep telling myself it will be ok and just because I think it doesn't mean it's true. I also usually clean-lol. This may not work for you but hopefully you can try some things until you find a lifeline for those times when you need it. Oh also, I listen to hypnosis apps at night about self esteem. Sounds corny but it has really helped. Said a prayer for you.