[tigersassy]

Doing ok so far. Still depressed, but not as bad. The book my therapist suggested I can't get for a while. Money is right thanks to car issues and health issues. This is week 3 of lamictal step up which means I'm taking 275 mg a day (Maybe the increase is helping?) Or the other things I've started to change are helping. Work stress is starting to loosen up a bit, Getting more time to focus on my job. I still think it's like a trap. But I come in do my job and go home. I'm still feeling like crying periodically. But it's improving. Maybe there it's a light or that could be my eyes playing tricks on me. Either way I'll take what I can get.

[Darvula]

Feel like s*** today. Got up feeling drained. Got depressed by the sudden amount of weight I've put on, so didn't eat enough and had caffeinated drinks to burn off the calories which of course made me paranoid. My own stupid fault. So got to work and had intense paranoia when I heard that the 4 directors want a meeting with me on Friday. Kick-started a flashback to 2 years ago when I was so stressed out by the same directors that I couldn't stand up without falling over and developed agoraphobia. Spent all of today with palpitations and one eye on my in-tray waiting for a mail from one of them. Which didn't come thankfully. I know it's all in my mind, but that makes it no better. You know how it is. Have spent the whole evening sitting here going over every wrong the directors have ever done me. Dreading the meeting on Friday. Can't feel I can trust myself to not savage them.

Darvula

[Standup2me]

I am so tired
I just cannot seem to shake this fatigue.

[Hopeful Camel]

Tired today, here, too. That makes me feel down. Wonder where the delicious mini-mania went?

[Turtlesoup]

Feel better today-mood is more stable & I have got some things done & I feel like I'm really in control of myself a little better if that makes any sense.

[Blitter2014]

Scared today, really scared. I've had a position of responsibility for the last 6 years in an organization, and today I am being called in to question as to my suitability for the role. Evidently due to my illness I am no longer being seen by others as fit for the role. It makes me angry and mad that my best is seemingly not good enough, and the goals have been moved to out of my reach. Yet another thing that my bipolar has ruined.

I am preparing for the worst. I am scared. I wish it were different. But I live in a world where people do not understand mental health issues. If I had a broken leg it would be different, they could see something was wrong. But no, I have had to contend with "you've been on medication now for over a year now, isn't it working yet?"

I hate having to defend myself because of what I suffer from. When will other people "get" that this is a life condition, rather than something you "recover" from. Blah, I wish I didn't care so much what other people think

[shortandcute]

Big sis had another melt down last nite; she does it again and I'm calling 911

[tigersassy]

Can't focus. Brain is everywhere. Not happy really, but not depressed like I was either. Still a little low and really tired, but not crying so that's good. I'm going to be turning 27 in 8 days. We aren't doing anything because bills are wonky. And we'll be lucky to make it through November. The good thing is December looks better financially. As long as things don't fall apart again. Looking at the past couple of months I wonder how I can deny that I fit this label? It seems that meds exasperate my symptoms right now trying to find what works. Cause I never cycled this frequently before. Trying too figure out why no one saw this before. My old Pdoc from like 2007-2010 I think was in denial. My last inpatient stay dx was mood disorder NOS and I was put on a mood stabilizer (geodon). But it's ok life goes on I've got a new team and so far they have been so much better than any I've seen before. I'm praying that I'm close to leveling out.
Addt: I'm now looking for a new job because I feel it's only a matter of time before I get written up again for something stupid (last time was because I didn't verify my answer with someone higher than my manager).

[Pikku Myy]

I am trying to get focus again.... guess ok

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

Scared today, really scared. I've had a position of responsibility for the last 6 years in an organization, and today I am being called in to question as to my suitability for the role. Evidently due to my illness I am no longer being seen by others as fit for the role. It makes me angry and mad that my best is seemingly not good enough, and the goals have been moved to out of my reach. Yet another thing that my bipolar has ruined.

I am preparing for the worst. I am scared. I wish it were different. But I live in a world where people do not understand mental health issues. If I had a broken leg it would be different, they could see something was wrong. But no, I have had to contend with "you've been on medication now for over a year now, isn't it working yet?"

I hate having to defend myself because of what I suffer from. When will other people "get" that this is a life condition, rather than something you "recover" from. Blah, I wish I didn't care so much what other people think

I feel for you. Your post reminded me of this cartoon that I saw today:

If physical diseases were treated like mental illness.... | ScienceDump

I hope all went better than you expected it to go today.

Darvula

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

Can't focus. Brain is everywhere. Not happy really, but not depressed like I was either. Still a little low and really tired, but not crying so that's good. I'm going to be turning 27 in 8 days. We aren't doing anything because bills are wonky. And we'll be lucky to make it through November. The good thing is December looks better financially. As long as things don't fall apart again. Looking at the past couple of months I wonder how I can deny that I fit this label? It seems that meds exasperate my symptoms right now trying to find what works. Cause I never cycled this frequently before. Trying too figure out why no one saw this before. My old Pdoc from like 2007-2010 I think was in denial. My last inpatient stay dx was mood disorder NOS and I was put on a mood stabilizer (geodon). But it's ok life goes on I've got a new team and so far they have been so much better than any I've seen before. I'm praying that I'm close to leveling out.
Addt: I'm now looking for a new job because I feel it's only a matter of time before I get written up again for something stupid (last time was because I didn't verify my answer with someone higher than my manager).

Rapid cycling is hell. Trying to juggle the meds to suit the mood you are in when it changes so fast. Impossible. Makes you feel even more nuts than without the medication. Hope you level out soon.

[Darvula]

This week reminds me why I gave up caffeine. I've been craving it, so gave in, and just a couple of strong coffees have set me on a 2-day paranoia trip. Feel like s***. My friends can't understand why it's such a big deal to not drink coffee. I managed to calm down a bit today, but I have a big meeting tomorrow before which I'll have to work 11 hours straight. Plus I won't be able to sleep much tonight. All a recipe for disaster. I hope I don't savage my boss in the meeting. I really hope I don't. I am thinking of eating as much as possible just before the meeting, as that usually seems to make me "sane" for about an hour afterwards.

Darvula

[shortandcute]

depression really kicking in today--not as bad as other times I've had it--just feeling really tired, discouraged, and burnt out

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by Darvula

This week reminds me why I gave up caffeine. I've been craving it, so gave in, and just a couple of strong coffees have set me on a 2-day paranoia trip. Feel like s***. My friends can't understand why it's such a big deal to not drink coffee. I managed to calm down a bit today, but I have a big meeting tomorrow before which I'll have to work 11 hours straight. Plus I won't be able to sleep much tonight. All a recipe for disaster. I hope I don't savage my boss in the meeting. I really hope I don't. I am thinking of eating as much as possible just before the meeting, as that usually seems to make me "sane" for about an hour afterwards.

Darvula

I quit also. I feel better, not that "my head is buzzing" feeling
I fall asleep better, and I don't have that wobbly tummy that
sometimes comes from coffee!!!

Good on us!!!!!

[Turtlesoup]

Good day today & was able to keep most things in check. I'm quite angry with my husband which I've already ranted about but he's a big boy & is going to have to start taking responsibility for himself-I'm blowing way too much energy I could spend on my own wellness journey without having to be a "Mom" to him. Reminding myself to breathe....grrrrrr. trying to summon my inner Hakuna Matata.

[Pikku Myy]

I woke up feeling a bit depressed, rejected, and blahhh... here we go again

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

I quit also. I feel better, not that "my head is buzzing" feeling
I fall asleep better, and I don't have that wobbly tummy that
sometimes comes from coffee!!!

Good on us!!!!!

Yey for caffeine-kickers! As well as feeling better BP-wise, I have also lost lots of small aches and pains and digestive problems.

Darvula

[Darvula]

Man, what a day. Had only 4 hours sleep, then had to work 11 hours plus had a meeting with the bosses. Didn't go as badly as I had expected, but one of them enraged me so much that my skull felt like it was going to split in two. Such a crippling headache. I get them so often when I am angry. Which is half the time these days. Plus the guy who made me so angry will probably be coming to work at our office for 2/3 months next year. I honestly don't know if I will be able to cope with that. I have never hated anyone so much in my life. So hideous headache all day today.

Darvula

[Standup2me]

I am on holidays all next week, so I am happy (at work)
Not going anywhere, just a staycation

[JigssawFeeling]

Where's this thread gone
-Today is 9th day with no alcohol for me & I feel pretty good, the fact itself feels like an achievement. Now whenever the day comes that I go out, I won't be feeling guilty about having a drink
-Today I upgraded my driving license (which is mandatory in my country after 2 years). It involved a 2 hour lecture (which was ridiculously boring and I tried my best not to fall asleep although I manged to twice) and some 3 hours worth driving exercises.

[Victoria'smom]

My son needs at least one and I can't trust my husband to stick around if I don't. This is the only reason I breathe today.

[Standup2me]

Bad day
I am a binge eater
It's been a bad day
So much shame

[tigersassy]

Doing ok I guess. I've cried today. I did bible study. I'm working on mindfulness. I'm so over this. Minimize... that's the only way to make it. Blah...

[shortandcute]

mnm,ncv,m,mnljlkn,m O nz mjgd subits!

[Hopeful Camel]

Coming off of some meds, under doc's supervision. Feeling pretty good, overall, except for ongoing stress, depression and other junk of life. The junk of life. Wish it didn't always hit me so hard.