Feeling Anxious.

My name is PhiIip and I'm 13 years old. I was recently diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder NOS after being hospitalized for cyclical mood swings. Without my Lithium I'm liable to have more cycles. (I was having 2 a day at the hospital until I was given Lithium) The cyclical mood swings spanned every emotion from happy (more manic-y) sad (depressed, suicidal) angry (violent, homicidal) and flat. (apathetic)

I seriously question the diagnosis and have been feeling very anxious since my discharge. (My clinician at the hospital wants me to keep taking the Lithium for a year.) Just because my father has Bipolar I Disorder doesn't mean I do. Sooner or later, I'll stop taking my medication. People are really insane.

BUMP

B
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P BUMP

I suppose no one cares. That's fine. I didn't expect responses.

Hi Phil - Hang in there. Things can get better. It may be possible to go off the medication eventually - my psychiatrist thinks so. But I think first everything has to be in order in your life and dealt with so you won't go back. It's kind of like building a new life and the meds help you do that.

What if I don't want the medication? What I said in my first post about not taking it is true. This Monday, I'm going to throw my pills away while mom's sleeping. Mom wants to commit me that's fine. I'm sick of this nonsense with Lithium.

Oh - I thought you meant eventually - after the year. I take it that Lithium really hasn't done anything for you, then? I'd talk about that with your doctor - it can be dangerous just stopping these kinds of drugs. Perhaps they'll try something else. But if you really don't want any drugs, I'm not sure anyone can force them on you - without committing you that is. I used to be anti-drug and afraid of them changing who I am, but my life is so much better now and I think I'm more myself now. I'd give it a chance since you seem to be suffering. It doesn't sound to me like you like the way you've been feeling.

Please do not give up, there are different meds that can agree with you. It's not uncommon to get frustrated, but do keep in touch with your pdoc and/or therapist.
It's also not uncommon to doubt diagnosis, it takes time, and perhaps, getting a 2nd opinion.
Denying yourself of treatment, can cost you wasted years and anquish, it's not worth doing this to yourself.
You are young (I wish I was) and have so many opportunities though at the present time they may be hard to see.
Staying with a treatment plan, regardless if adjustments or changes in meds are needed is worth the effort.
Don't give up on yourself,meds and treatment. Many of us "elders" can tell you from our own life experiences, it's hard but what you think is impossible can be possible, just keep patience and hope. It can be possible to keep this disorder under control.
Please take care,
DE

I've had enough of everything in my life. Enough of the specialists and doctors who diagnosed me as Bipolar and put me on Lithium, my parents who are concerned and monitor when I take my medication and for everyone who say continue treatment. I have no problem and need no medication. And nothing that you or anyone else says or does will stop me. Just because the Lithium neutralized the symptoms of cyclical moods doesn't mean it's good. Just like Thorazine.

All these incompetent quacks are not qualified to diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder. Consensus isn't the truth. These pills have caused me enough pain. I'll throw them away, whatever the consequence, I can handle it. If it means another hospitalization, I'll raise hell in there; throw chairs, make threats. They'll see that they can't help me. No one can because I have no problem. Everyone has a breaking point. This is mine.

Hey Phil. You are very well spoken for a 13 year old, I admire your ability to express yourself concisely. I work with kids as a youth and family counselor and I can tell you that you are not the only one who is going through this, I work with a lot of people your age who are struggling with being diagnosed as bipolar. I understand your anger and resentment at being diagnosed as bipolar and you're struggle with taking meds. When I was first diagnosed, I was so angry and didn't want to believe what the doctors were telling me. I ignored it for over a year but you know, denying it didn't make it untrue. I didn't see what the big deal was until I hit bottom (couldn't take care of myself anymore). The thing is, what is bottom for you? Is it hospitalization? You have to figure out what it is you want and how to get it. If you want to stay out of hospitals and you need to take your meds to do so, then do so. Just something to think about. I hope you figure out what you want and make steps toward achieving it. Take care.

I can understand your frustration and rage at an illness that can be so unfair. I can understand not wanting to take medication for the rest of your life. But, sometimes choices are hard. I know too many years went by before I was diagnosed. Years full of things that didn't have to be. Please try and really consider all angles. You seem to be a very intelligent person. I hope that you will be able to use this intelligence and not the strong emotions and moods to make your decision whatever it may turn out to be. Good luck. Feel free to PM me should you want someone to talk to. Be safe.

Today's the day, the point of no return. After sushi, I'll storm into my room lock the door and shout it all out to mom, who I think, will commit me again. I'll raise hell in that hospital, they'll hate me so they'll discharge me immidiately. There's nothing that any of you can do to stop me. Goodbye medication. It's been fun.

Don't expect posts in the next few weeks.

If you are having delusions and hallucinations this is psychosis which could be an intergral part of bipolar 1...not 2, which is mostly the depressive side of bipolar.
Tell me you are on an antipsychotic medication. like abilify or geodon....these help with the psychosis.
You are manic.
bizi

I've rescheduled to tomorrow because sushi didn't happen. I had a plan which was disrupted.

Unfortunately this all sounds so sad....
what do you want from all of this?
Are you being defiant because of your anger at the system?
ARe you mad at having to take medication?
Are you letting the desease control you?
You have to learn how to control it.
This gradiosity sounds manicy still...I hope you stay on your respirdal...you could be headed for a big crash.
Sorry I can't help....you sound like you have all the answers already.
bizi
I do wish you well....

I will not be trapped in a cycle of pills, a schedule and school. No sir! Never will that happen. As far as the disease you've mentioned, I have no illness or never will. Bipolar Disorder my ***.

You think I'm manic do you? If I were manic I wouldn't be able to write what I've written. Manic? I've never been close to manic!

You wish me well, huh? Yeah sure...

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time, denial is quite a normal thing we go through. We have choices, one that most people make is to lose the denial,seek treatment and stick with a plan, leading "normal" lives. Some choose to go into denial mode,refuse treatment and be miserable, including making others too. Refusal of treatment is so sad, it wastes years of one's life that could of been good if they only would choose a plan and follow through. One choice takes patience and time the other plan wastes precious time.
You are not unique, is something a former T told me, and I say that to others, you are not unique, thousands of people suffer and deal with this disorder as well as other disorders, it's your choice, whatever you decide, I wish you lots of luck.
Take care

WEll people usually only become psychotic when they are manic.
The psychosis you describe from you other ramblins on line are psychotic. But there is psychotic depression....
So you think your psychosis is not related to being bipolar...what is it then?
just curious....
bizi

NOTHING! Nothing whatsoever. It isn't psychosis and there aren't "mood swings". I have nothing going on. And if you say I'm manic one more time you'll never hear the end of it bizi!

So then all of the delusions, aren't psychosis? then why call yourself psychotic phil?
I just don't understand you...nor why you are posting on a bipolar forum....
it is illogical.
really
How are we supposed to support you?
bizi

From your blog Phil January 17th 2007

Schizophrenic or Serious Obsessive Compulsive?
I am, at this point in time experiencing a crisis. I've begun to wonder if I have the makings of Schizophrenia or a Schizoaffective disorder, but that's probably what they want me to think. I am in fact right and not insane. Just today in fact, I "lost touch with reality". How, you may ask? I realized that a Tickle employee named Otis was conspiring against me. This seemingly harmless engineer is in fact, in cahoots with God, who is controlled by Fate. The Earth is nothing more than a machine that was designed by Otis with the sole intention of harming or even disposing of me. These people have actually been giving me clues, which they would like me to use. However, if I do use these clues, they will lead me to my certain death, via inhumane experimentation andbrainwashing. Every one from the local grocer to my new psychiatrist is involved and literally shedding clues, in the form of acronyms, such as the word SMOG, which stands for Smell Muscles Of God. That makes sense, right? Smog, which is a form of pollution, is one way that God keeps us under his control. Pollution results in Global Warming, which results in events that are similar to those stated in the Bible durinbg the End of Days. This way, more Christians will pray, their connection to the machine will increase, and at this point they will continue to hunt me down with more persistance, since I am not one of them.


I never have thought of why fate has a personal vendetta against me and perhaps several others, but I do know what his plans are; he wants me to convince myself that I am a nutjob, through various forms of hallucinations and such things. Why, earlier this evening I heard the voice of Joe Peschi insulting me. That, to me, is not a sign of deteriorating mental health, but of a grander scheme. Fate wants me in a submissive state, attained through the utilization of anti psychotic medication, at which point, Otis will ambush me and I will be brainwashed and experimented upon. Or, I will become either Paul Giammati in Sideways, or Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation.Of course, everyone that still has a strong connection with the machine will not believe me and only label me as 'crazy'. I would advise that you believe me and join me in rebelling against the machine. If we fight, maybe we can truly have free will.

And?

Phil, from your writing, you're probably closer to 40 than 13, and that's the least of it. Why are you here? Time to be honest. If this is attention-seeking behavior, you have more problems than you know. There are good people at PC who are willing to help people who need help.

your blog states you are 46....
hhmmmm....

Fine. Now you think I'm a troll, that's fine. You have to be 18 or older to have a blog, so I inserted a fictitious age, I didn't insert my name either, did you notice? Do I have to post a picture of myself? You'd probably doubt that was me. Fine. I expected much more from people at Psychcentral. Candybear, why?

Why do you hate me now? Now no one here can trust me in what I say. To them, I'm a 46 year old loser who trolls people.

Fine then. Hate me. Insult me. Why not just give me a handgun with a bullet in it? Don't you think if I were really I were a troll I wouldn't post an obvious giveaway.

You hate me? Good. You've given me more motivation to stop treatment.

**Okay EVERYBODY, enough!
Please let us keep "guidelines" in mind.**
Thank You,
DE

Psychotic Phil,
You came here for support/advice, but so far have resented any given, even being rude at times. If you can't seem to find what you had hoped for here, perhaps another forum can be of help to you, it may not be the Bipolar forum.
And yes your blog stated you are 46, yet you told us you were 13, which now makes it difficult to understand what form of support you are wishing to find. Support to an adolescent Bipolar can be different than the form of support/info one would give to an adult. I'd suggest the episodes you say you are having should be discussed with your therapist/pdoc to recieve professional help.
I wish you lots of luck with all of this.
Please take care,
DE