[Wander]

Some of you may have noticed my posts of late. I have been rapid cycling between mixed episodes and hypomania. I have also been drinking and smoking pot to self medicate. While that hasn't been a riot, it was much better than the awful mixed state that descended upon me on Tuesday night. Since then I have been very low, irritable, agitated, volatile and even suicidal at times. I tried to get into see my doc but couldn't get in until Tuesday. At least it is only four days away. Problem is that my mood state is worsening rapidly. As soon as I wake I am wild eyed and irritable. I take 2mg of CLonazepam and 5mg or Olanzapine after breakfast and feel slitely better for 2 hours then fall back in the dark. So I take more meds as the state I am in is intolerable. The meds seem to have lost their power of my agitation and mood, as have the pot and alcohol. Now I have to wait to see my doc while every second feels like a year in hell.

I guess I am writing this down as I need some support. I am really worried I might get so unwell I would become self-destructive. My mental state has been in a steep decline since Tuesday night. AAAAAGGHHHH!!!! This is horrible.

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I hope it gets better for you soon.

[jacky8807]

Maybe think about inpatient?

[Wander]

I am considering inpatient. If I can hang in till I see my doctor I would be going through the private system that my insurance covers. If I present to Emergency now I would be put in the public system until at least Tuesday as we have a public holiday here (Australia Day actually) on Monday. Admission staff do not work on Public holidays in private hospitals. I guess if I get worse I will have to consider the public system. But I am getting close to the ##ck hospital, I want to self-destruct. So I push away help. This is why I am trying to be proactive and reach out. I feel such deep despair yet wild at the same time. It is pure hell. I am so scared.

If you feel like self harm do please call a crisis center, or 911, or get to an ER. The physical agitation sux, but what's worse is that our brain gets caught up in the mood and lies to us so much that we begin to believe it. I hope you find relief.

[jacky8807]

If its that bad go to the er. Its not going to get better on its own it sounds like. When i have been hospitalized. ..every time its from the er where thy find a bed for u in a psych ward. Ive never actually signed myself in and none of them were private and it was involuntary. But when u need help u need it and fast!

[Gale-in-UH]

Please be gentle with yourself - call your therapist (call any therapist) or follow the advice - go to ER; at my worst I cannot even leave the house - I shut down, but you sound like can't quiet your brain. You matter! Go into survival mode.

[Wander]

Thanks everyone. I contacted my therapist and he suggested hospitalisation. It still freaks me out as I will be in a strange hospital with different doctors. And being a long weekend it will be very boring. So I am trying to hang on until at least MOnday. Last night was awful but I managed to get through. This morning I feel crap but not as bad, although it does tend to get worse through out the day. It is such bad timing to feel so bad. This is a dangerous mood to be in, I know, but I am going to try and hold off the inpatient until Monday.

[wildflowerchild25]

Yeah weekends suck in inpatient. Especially because the regular pdoc's aren't there so you can't even really start treatment until Monday. But if you feel unsafe, please, please go sooner. A little boredom is worth it if it saves your life. Please keep up with us over the weekend so we can know you're ok. I wish you luck over the weekend! I've been where you are far too many times. Hang in there.

True. I'd go in n Monday a least, if you can make it. I didn't have a choice myself. I was thrown in there and woke up there, lol. Oooops.

[Nammu]

What a tough spot to be in, the system sucks. Do private hospitals think emergencys only happen mon - fri from 9 to 5? I understand the desire to stay out of the public system but if you need to use it. Glad to talked to your Pdoc and he knows what's going on.

I've been in your situation (fellow Aussie) on a long weekend. My advice - do not go to emergency and be placed in the public system. Hold out until you can get into a private hospital. The public system could do more harm - especially if you have never been inpatient before. I went in, got stuck in a locked ward for 5 days, they took me off all of my meds and changed them all dramatically and quickly before I was transferred to a private clinic who again changed all the meds drastically, it was an awful time.

When my 5mg PRN wafers dont work I put it up to 10mg until I see the Pdoc.

Increasing my AP (Zeldox) has always got me out of a mixed episode so I have the go ahead to do that whenever I feel necessary. I also have the ok to up the clonazepam to 4mg as needed.

Do you have a vapouriser for the weed? That can give you a different high that might calm you a bit. Also I dont know if you are male or female but could hormones be playing a part in this? Sometimes if we realise there is a reason, it can be easier to handle.

Do you meditate at all? When you're out of this episode it might be helpful to start so at least on bad days you can meditate a few hours away. Does exercise help? I find being around animals to be helpful as well.

Goodluck, feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Supanova

I've been in your situation (fellow Aussie) on a long weekend. My advice - do not go to emergency and be placed in the public system. Hold out until you can get into a private hospital. The public system could do more harm - especially if you have never been inpatient before. I went in, got stuck in a locked ward for 5 days, they took me off all of my meds and changed them all dramatically and quickly before I was transferred to a private clinic who again changed all the meds drastically, it was an awful time.

When my 5mg PRN wafers dont work I put it up to 10mg until I see the Pdoc.

Increasing my AP (Zeldox) has always got me out of a mixed episode so I have the go ahead to do that whenever I feel necessary. I also have the ok to up the clonazepam to 4mg as needed.

Do you have a vapouriser for the weed? That can give you a different high that might calm you a bit. Also I dont know if you are male or female but could hormones be playing a part in this? Sometimes if we realise there is a reason, it can be easier to handle.

Do you meditate at all? When you're out of this episode it might be helpful to start so at least on bad days you can meditate a few hours away. Does exercise help? I find being around animals to be helpful as well.

Goodluck, feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

Thanks! For the same reasons I am trying to hang in there until at least Monday because then I will be transfered to private by Tuesday (unless their beds are full). I could wait till Tuesday to see my pdoc but I doubt I can last that long. Monday seems an eternity away when I feel so tormented and irritable. Things are not looking good as it is lunch and I already feel very volotile despite 10mg Zyprexa and 2 mg of Clonazepam. I am just trying to keep on top of it and stay alive.

Yeah I know how it feels no fun at all. I was terrible the other day, it ended up being PMDD for me but it is such an agitated depression, my pdoc always describes it as a mixed state. In hindsight I should have gone to hospital when I first suggested it to my partner but he didnt want to miss me. Luckily it only lasted a week or so.

I called lifeline about 8 times, called all of my friends to help me but when they asked what they could do I said there was nothing they could do - which isnt exactly true - had someone come around and made me play a board game, or taken me for a walk to see the horses, or just reminded me that this will pass and life will be ok again, it may have lessened the severity of my symptoms. Sitting alone by myself in my house was the worst thing to do because I got dangerous. I can see it clearly now that it has passed, but in the moment it was so terrible, so awful to bare, had someone suggested this to me I probably would have blown it off as I felt I was beyond help.

Call out to your friends, see if there is an activity you can do that will just help you pass the time. If you tell them how dire the situation is and they are true friends, they will not turn you down. Do not feel guilty for this - that is what friends are for.

If no one can help you, whats your favourite chill out activity? Have you got a favourite TV show? Or game? Do you like chat rooms? Can you sleep at all?

[Wander]

^Thanks Supanova! MY Mum dropped by this morning but now I am alone until I startwork at 11am tomorrow. Not even sure if I am in a condition to work but really want to as they were pissed I took so much time off last year when I was hospitalised. I have called my two closest friends and one is too busy to chat to me and they other not responding to my calls. My boyfriend has his kids this w/e too otherwise he would be with me. The plan is to go to my Mums if I get worse and hospital from there if I really cannot control myself. At the moment I can keep myself safe but the SI is strong.

Wilth the high doses of meds i am sleeping ok enough. For now I am going to organise my photos on my hard drive, watch YouTube and surf the net. The agitation is alreafy getting much worse now though so I am in for a rough night.

How about heading to the beach to watch the sunset? That is calming and peaceful. Or just sitting in a park for a little while. Being out will seem really hard but it passes the time in a productive way. I can understand if this sounds too hard but I wish I had done it a few days ago.

I find old school chatting on IRC to be the best online activity to keep me distracted, while watching whatever my current TV show craze is - I can recommend some good stories that are easy to watch and entertaining, although I have sci fi taste. Triple J is playing some awesome music today. I've had that on most of the day.

Hope its not too rough a night for you.

[Wander]

well I made it through another day!Now I just have to survive work today which is going to be a big challenge. Yesterday I had 20mg of Zyprexa just to get through the day and then to get some sleep. I am just that damn agitated and irritable. If I can make it through today then I have only to last through tomorrow then my appt with my pdoc is on Tues before work. It is only 8.20am and I already feel awful.Temperatures her are heading to 40'C (nearly 110"F I think).The heat doesnt help my mood as I do not have air con. At least wk does so that is s bonus. My mod is still really low and SI pretty Bad. i am just trying to get through moment to moment until this hopefully passes or my doc can tweek my meds. I hate this. Don't we all.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm glad you made it through but sorry that you had to resort to SI to do so. Only a couple more days to make it. Breathe deeply and keep yourself busy. I know how hard this is and how dangerous it can be. hugs!

[Wander]

Feeling really low and irritable. Left work early due to this. It was becoming impossible to cover up. CAnnot concentrate on anything at all. This is so awful. It is such a vast contrast from the euphoria of mania. Now I'm in some sort of mixed state. Becoming suicidal so I am so glad I see my doc in less than 2 days. I desperately need some relief. I am going mad, truly mad.

[sintesi]

Stay strong. You WILL be ok. Try and find something positive in your life to focus on. Phone your boyfriend and tell him you love him.

I really hope this gets better for you soon. It's a very bad place to be. Will keep you in my thoughts.

[Wander]

Only one more day till I see my pdoc. I ha to leave work early yesterday due to the agitation and inability to concentrate. This worries me as I have an 8 hour shift tomorrow to get through and I don't want to call in sick as they were not impressed about all my sick leave last year when I was in hospital. It is morning here and my symptoms are manageable but they tend to worsen throughout the day. My boyfriend is coming over at lunch and we are going for a swim in the ocean so that should help. I will just have to try not to snap at him due to the irritability. he is staying the night so I will be safe at least. Hoping to avoid hospital but I will see what my pdoc says tomorrow. Coming off alcohol is going to be tough.

[Wander]

Damn, I spoke to early. The agitation and irritability are back in full force and it is only 10.30am. It is like having a million ants crawling all over me but being unable to get them off. I am close to breaking point. Only three hours and my boyfriend will be here so I think I can make it until then...I hate this so much!

How are you going today? I hope you made it through the weekend, safe to go to a clinic now if you still need it.

[Wander]

Thanks Supa! I (obviously) made it through the w/e, but I did drink and smoke A lot. In fact it is 10.30am and I am having a beer and smoke while waiting to go inpatient at 3pm. This is clearly out of control. Last night I couldn't sit still and was having suicidal thoughts. With the help of family, boyfriend and a friend (and your guys!!) I made it through.

Saw my pdoc this morning. He said I am in a bad mixed state and want to get me off Prisiq (we have learnt anti-D's are bad for me) and increase my Lamogtrigine and Lithium. If this doesn't settle me in a week it is ECT. I would do anything to make this stop but I really want to avoid ECT as it fried my short-term memory last time. At least I survived until my appointment. That is a victory. As I am going to an unlocked private ward i will be monitored for safely as my agitation is only going to increase once I stop drinking and smoking weed. I am in for a tough week and will surely lean on you guys to help me through.

[Nammu]

Congrats on getting though the WE. I'm glad you got a place on the unlocked private hospital, best possible outcome!