Bipolar and massive addiction issues, don't know what to do

Hello, classic bipolar with massive depression cycles followed by really high manias where Im invincible. Im addicted to the following in order from most destructive in my life to least.

1. Gambling
2. Starting businesses/projects and failing in a epic manner for all to see
3. Internet (basically all the projects are Internet connected)
4. Weed (I'm in California and use med weed which I over medicate every day, but sometimes stop for long periods of time when Im going to attempt starting tomorrow)
5. Sex (this used to be much higher on the list, but I havent dated in years and this addiction is at bay now but can rear its ugly head in the future for sure.

I stopped taking my meds a few months ago as my Doctor fired me cause I wouldnt stop smoking weed. Im ready to stop now a I want to go back on meds (Lamictal and Lithium help a lot), but dont have a doctor, I see my shrink on Monday and hope she can help find one.

I don't have a job (had crappy job for a month but quit last week when in a mania and launching another failed business idea) and Im being supported by my family for long time now. I have serious authority issues and clash at jobs and usually quit within time. I have a masters degree and 13 years experience as a teacher/coach but those days are over.

Shrinks have never been a help for me. Ive been in 12 step programs for over 20 years on and off for gambling. I really dont like to gamble anymore but always find me doing it because its all I know. The projects get me into big trouble and need to stop it (do they have projects anonymous, lol).

Im pretty much killing my parents who are happily retired in their 70s who just want to chill and be active. My mother has been healthy her whole life but is going in next week for suspected breast cancer, the doc said 60% chance she is ok, but must do test.

I already went to partial day treatment in October for a month to no help.

I dont want to bring stress on my parents, but I have no support system but them.

I feel horrible about my mom and now want to try harder. I will go back on the meds, go to meetings, and do what I have to do, but it seems fruitless as when I get better I just go into a mania even when on meds and frack it up.

My two life goals have been to stay out of jail and to out live my parents not putting them through the tragedy of suicide (Im not suicidal now but have pondered before).

I feel so alone, like such a failure and traditional options dont work, but I have to try this time as my parents have sacrificed so much and I cant hurt them more, especially now.

They dont know I quit my job, off meds, using weed, etc. I'd rather fix this myself and get back on track quickly. I feel my heart wants the change this time, just gotta do it...

thanks for listening to me ramble, I just feel like there are no solutions .

i find i have an addictive personality when my meds arent working. when i am manicc. i must have gambled over a thousand dollars in the past month and shopped at least that much. thankfully i am stable much of the time. the thing is finding the right meds and staying on them. i had to go off one due to side effects and that is why i am where i am. i havent been here for years. and it took years to get stable. a lot of playing wiht different meds and side effects, putting up with **** doctors, but i finally found a patient one and we found the right ones. if lamictal and lithium helped a lot but you were still having manias you shouldnt have stopped looking. dont settle for helped a lot. it is possible to have full remission or pretty damn close. i was down to two hypos a year, that is about 500 dollar spending sprees in high risk language, before we added anoter med that knocked them out all together. no mania for over two years. that was after no mania for a couple years on another mix before a pdoc pulled one of my meds. so it is possible. you just have to be persistent insistent and advocate for yourself and stay on your meds. good luck to you.

I am sorry to hear this is such a difficult time for you.

Please don't give up.

Hang in there.

Do you exercise? Is there any chance you can wean yourself off weed, even for a few months?

@Kaliope it just seems the combo of Lamicatal/Lithium has always been a safe course. I tried a bunch and they all jacked me up especially Latuda.

@Hooligan, thanks

@ Hexigram, Im very good in this department. Ive lost 20 pounds in 2015 (I gained 50 in 2014) and I exercise at least 5 days a week with walking and biking. I have a lot of injuries which keeps me from playing sports, but things that go forward I can do.

I think there is a chance, but the weed store is like a mile away and so easy. I love to smoke as Im not depressed but it does incite mania so I know its bad.

You have pretty much everything hitting the fan long term and short term.

I feel for you I really do, I doubt your going to fix yourself up "quick" enough for them to not notice you quit your job and meds.

I'll be blunt.... you should be honest with them as they are taking care of you, your not homeless nor hungry.

You have lots of addictions going on, Sure no way to fix them all at once. I'm not anti pot , but I would suggest you take the money your using to buy pot and find a new Pdoc and T and be 100% honest with them and start on a treatment plan that is going to help you gain control of your life. Okay things didn't " help" in the past , doesn't mean they will never help.

Even on the right medications and self care .. Bipolar is going to jump up and slap the hell out of you at times,, That's what Bipolar does... But coping skills can be learned and hurdles put in place that will help you see the episodes before they are totally out of control, You will be able to reach out for help sooner which will lessen the amount of damage that can happen.

I hope your Mom is going to be found Cancer free.

Do put some thought into what your going to do one day if you are in this situation and your parents are no longer alive or able to take you in. I'm not being mean or judging, I'm just hoping that you keep fighting the fight and find some balance in your life.

Hi,

I'm a huge advocate for full on total 6 week+ inpatient programs if you have means. A comprehensive dual diagnosis progressive treatment center - look out of state if that's an option.

You can find a good pdoc, a good med combo, and solid life and coping skills to really turn everything around. You'll find the courage.

Best of luck and please keep posting.

moogs

I hate to say it, but you are using your parents to fund your living. You call them support, but what I call support is emotional support, not fiduciary. Forgive me if I'm wrong. I've found that getting out there on my own has taught me important life skills knowing that it's just me, so I don't make those rash decisions (yeah right), but I own up for them. Nothing wrong with smoking weed, but it being a controlling problem is.

I just hope you find the path most suited for your needs.

@ Christina thanks for being blunt, you're correct on all of your points. The last one is very true too, without my parents I would not be able to survive in this world at this point, plans have been made with my brother in case of the unthinkable, but hopefully I can get righted one day and can get by on my own as I did when I left home at 17 and supported myself until my first bipolar breakdown at 30ish.

@Moog, the program made me leave after a month as my insurance ran out and they felt my progress was immense. I went from total zombie to being stable in a month and it worked well, but I was in a program with drinkers and hard core drug users, and was so out of place. I really need for gambling and out of control project building.

@Always, yes you're right and even though I hate to admit this my weed usage is too much and not enjoyable like it was pre-med marijuana days when was using to party with friends and wasn't so strong.

I had a good two days since my post. Looking forward to seeing my shrink on Monday and get to another doctor to get back on meds. I will take in to account the above posts, but will not divulge my current issues to my parents until after my mom gets her results on Wed. Its just to much to take, they think Im stable and their world is totally turned around when Im a mess.

Taking it day by day, and today is going to be a good one with a bike ride, nap, and reading .

You know, I think
1. Gambling
and
2. Starting businesses/projects and failing in a epic manner for all to see

are the same. I think they're both gambling. Think about it. Although it's often a symptom of mania to get into something hardcore and then suddenly stop and walk away from it, have you considered that your project building might very well be an extension of gambling?

Why do you use medical marijuana?

Why don't shrinks help you?

I can totally understand the desire to protect your parents from all this -- my parents didn't even really know how bad my alcoholism was. I'm really, really good at hiding ****.

It's really all about resolve. Nothing's going to work unless you're resolved to make it work. It sounds like you're getting there, though.

I don't want to be preachy, but I think you should definitely cut out the weed and go back on the meds. I think that's a good first couple steps. I also think inpatient isn't a bad idea, if outpatient didn't work for you.

I did outpatient rehab when I hit bottom and it helped immensely. I'm not a fan of 12-step programs, but I took what I needed and left. I know it's not rehab we're talking about, but if you can get yourself into a program of some sort, it really could help. I just think you might have to bear with the shrinks, and be open to them.

I really do wish your mom well and hope her test comes out negative.

Hi,

So 4 weeks of out patient was immense. Imagine that 6 week IP could do. I'd also explore the gambling and majiuana addictions more seriously. Best of luck,

moogs

I think you may be right that the project building is a form of gambling. When I project build I usually totally stop gambling and use the money for what Im doing. My projects all originated when I lived abroad and I get a massive rush trying to put it together through information gathering, travel and networking. My biggest problem is usually success as Ive had quite a lot, but can't hold it together with the finances.

I use med marijuana as its cheaper and better quality than street. I love to smoke weed. Ive done it for almost 25 years (lots of breaks) and nothing makes me more happier than firing up.

Ive seen dozens of shrinks over time. The biggest problem is I move a lot and never get consistency. Ive lived in like 7 countries over the last 7 years. Since Im settled down now I can find the consistency, but the shrink I have now may be the wrong match as she lets me ramble a lot and then when Im quiet its really weird as she has nothing to really say.

Tomorrow Ill go back to her to ask about a doctor who can prescribe meds. My last one fired me because I wouldnt quit smoking weed. I will agree to cut-down big time at this point but not sure if I will 100% quit and not sure if the other doctor in their office will take someone who smokes. I wont lie and if they have the power to drug test me I dont want to live that way if I smoke a few times a month. To say lll quit would be a lie as Ill end up being with a friend or stumble to the weed store as its so easy. But Id love to cut down by at least 80% right now.

So tomorrow I will see the path to get back on meds, but I know appointments are hard to get and it may take upwards of a month or so, but maybe they can squeeze in an emergency or something.

As for inpatient that is my worst nightmare. I dont like 12 step programs at all but have enjoyed some Gamblers Anonymous in the past and would much rather look at that route first.

Yesterday was great exercising, eating well and chilling. Will do the same today, but hope it doesnt rain.

Other good news is I have an interview tomorrow for a job with like between 20 - 30 hours a week. Its a 100% field position and I wouldnt have co-workers to clash with. Im interested in the details and hope it works out as it would be perfect. It would close a huge gap with my bills and give something to build around.

Yeah Moogs 6 weeks IP could do wonders, but it would have to be revolved around my addictions and bipolar. The out patient with the boozers and hard drug users was very strange as gamblers are a whole different breed. But with the cash it's not going to happen. Im not depressed or manic now which is great news as I have a good starting point. Looking forward to tomorrow to talk with shrink as lll be honest.

thanks all

First off I hope you kick those thoughts of Suicide and pray your Mom is Cancer free.
With that said I too live in Cali and have issues with the truth (while manic), gambling, pot, and worse of all alcohol. I too cant hold a job and at 34 still feel being babysat even having a Masters degree also. I found a good doc that put me on a plan. I used to to think MDs and Shrinks tool it personal but they don't if you choose to go elsewhere. Find care that you are cumfy with and will really listen to you. It took me 6 years to find that and I didnt care even if my insurance didnt cover the doctor as long as it kept me in remission thats all I cared about. So go out there and find the help that will get you on a great plan on Meds and on Therapy (life plan)

Thanks for the prayer, today is the day she goes in and will get the results back in 72 hours. Im happy to say I havent had suicidal thoughts in quite awhile, but when Im in massive depression they do appear, but its been over 4 months since Ive been really depressed. The good news is when I have the thoughts I never go into action as my family is incredible and dont want to put that burden on them and to tell you the truth Im a big wussy and Ive never been close to any type of action after 25 years or so of massive depressive episodes on and off.

I went to the shrink and it did not go well. She claims that most doctors wont prescribe meds to someone who smokes weed. I made an appointment in her office for the one who most likely would do it, but its not for 3 months! I called around to places that take my insurance and its all the same! I dont even know if they will prescribe as I cant lie, I will be smoking even if only a few times a month. Then I got in a big discussion about the fact that even though Im the one putting up the road blocks by not quitting the green that Im being dinged for telling the truth. She told me none of her patients smoke which I find hard to believe in California. I told her they are probably lying and that while most bipolar dont smoke, many do. I gave an inside lol as at the only DBSA meetings I attended in my city there was a discussion about weed and bipolar and at least half admitted to smoking weed while on meds and there was over 20 peps at that meeting. I understand why a doc would have big concerns as Ill agree it can be negative, but I know myself and Im not gonna quit straight out and Im not gonna lie about it....so basically at this point I will not being going back on meds regards of the weed cause the nearest appointment is in three months with someone who may or may not even prescribe to me.