Do you live in FEAR...of your own Bipolar?

So I guess the neurotypicals get to just be like oh shoot I didn't get enough sleep I might be tired, or oh it is so very stressful that x or y is happening I might get really upset. But I/WE have to be all like OH NO HOLY **** I AM NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP...THIS STRESSFUL THING IS HAPPENING....AHHHHH....I MIGHT LOSE THIS HARD WON AND CAREFULLY MAINTAINED PRECARIOUS BALANCE AND SENSE OF WELL BEING AND BECOME PAINFULLY DEPRESSED OR HIGH AND THAN HORRIBLY AGITATED UNCOMFORTABLE PSYCHOTIC SUICIDAL.....I may have to walk through hell again and swallow broken glass and cry and hurt and hurt and be all alone with it and hate myself and hate everyone and wonder what the point is and have those voices and intrusions with their awful ideas circling like hawks in my brain
just waiting for me to get weak enough to become their prey. And not be able to move dance hear music smell feel anything to not caring about anything to wanting to hurt myself TO MISSING MY OWN LIFE BECAUSE SOMETHING HIJACKED MY BRAIN.
and then we also get to worry that with every new trigger stressor WHAT MED WILL THEY GIVE ME WHAT WILL THE SCARY SIDE EFFECTS BE WHAT WILL IT DO TO ME? WHAT IF IT DOESNT WORK?

And all of this just shone a light on how much fear I am living in. Fear of my own Bipolar. Fear that my own brain is going to let me down, give out, crumble and send me back to hell. Or to a new version of that hell I haven't been to before. And I realize that holding this fear nights I can't sleep or days when there is too much stimulation or too many people in my space is only going to make it worse. Because instead of just dealing with the issue in the moment the energy of fear is surrounding the whole thing.

So what do we do?

I have a lot more in my head about this but my phone is going to die so I need to hit send.

(((Capriciousness))) Yes, yes and yes!!! All of those things. It's scary and I have moments of complete horror when I think too much about it and then have to snap myself back into the reality and say I can handle this one day at a time if I don't look too far forward into the future. You captured Bipolar perfectly. Feel free to PM me anytime. I've been through all of the above. We can support each other.

That was a great piece of stream-of-consciousness writing! And yes, you captured it perfectly. You are far from alone, hon. Just keep reaching out and telling it like it is. ((((Hugs))))

No.

I do not fear this.

I know who I am.

Beautifully written. And yes I do, I do live in fear of my bipolar. Right now I am very depressed and I am terrified of what might happen if it gets worse. Even though I am do all I can to combat it I still feel I have little control of the outcome. I would write more but my brain is not working well right now.

I am working on accepting it and managing it but I fear it will lead to me being self destructive in my career. I don't know if I hate my job or it's the bipolar telling me to hate it. I have self destructed before but never understood why.

I know who I am and still fear becoming seriously ill again.

(((UCMATH)))

Yes I live in fear of it and what effect it will have on my life today and in the future. Because if the past says anything, it's going to be horribly uncontrollable. I'm afraid of what i'll do when manic or depressed. I'm afraid I'll do something that I can't fix with an apology. Cuz I almost did it this last time.

Thank you for expressing so well what I used to go through. For several years I had that fear, and it was driving me crazy. But I have lived with BP for five years now (at least that was when I was diagnosed), and slowly I have gotten that fear under control. I know that it is not going to kill me, and I know that it is help out there if things get really bad. I guess it is about getting to know how to cope with my BP. But I recognize myself completely in what you wrote. It used to be like that...

I fear my bipolar. I worry that i will not stay on track financially and not be able to save for retirement.

Here's the thing. I do know that whatever happens I will make it through. I choose to have that faith and that hope. And I believe that faith and hope are the opposite of fear.

That said

I just don't want to have to go through it again.

Endure a "big one" or even a small one again. I have done it. I can do it again. I am really good at managing it (my pdoc says and I agree). I am completely committed to my health and wellness.

I just don't want to feel like that ever again and it sucks that I might

And realistically we can't be sure about anything with this "illness"

Thank you all for the very validating, (and complementary) responses. It is just so awesome to hear that I am not alone and also to hear that I may have expressed something that meant something to somebody else. The beauty of this forum. It saddens me though that we go through this. But having a hand (metaphorically) to hold makes a ton of difference. Especially when the owner of that hand actually KNOWS what you are going through. They aren't just trying to SUPPORT you.

There is tons of talk out there from the mental health profession etc about having a support system and support and support this that and the other thing and people love to say support. I support you...you need more support...go here or there for this wonderful support.

And yes we need support.

But what really really helps for me is

BEING UNDERSTOOD

I don't know if I have bipolar. I don't really know what I have. But I do know that after my first episode of depression I thought I wouldn't be able to handle having another one because it was so horrible, but I've had a few since that first one and managed to get through it.

Right now I'm afraid I'm going to have another psychotic episode. I mean, it really freaks me out. I don't know if I'd be able to handle that again.

But, as in the first paragraph I wrote, if I have another one, I'm sure I'll get through it, and be okay. (Well, kind of okay anyway.)

So, yeah, I'm scared.

I see what you mean. I seriously don`t want to go through the ups and downs. Six months ago I was rationalizing why it would make more sense for me not to live anymore. I wasn`t suicidal, but just so tired of the ups and downs. But I don`t have that fear anymore. I`m more like, "if it comes it comes, to hell with it, I don`t care, I`ll get through this one also". But if asked again in another six months, I might give another answer. It`s just hard, hard, hard to go through, and why the f... me, why the f... us??

I am down now and I am living day to day. Not suicidal, because I could never leave my kids, but not wanting to get out of bed, see anyone, do anything.

And to look at me, you would never know. I can still act happy and change my voice and smile at people. And then I go home and disappear under the covers.

I know exactly. Part of makes it so hard is having the kids and not being able to just release into the pull of depression. But yes. You would never know when I'm at a park play date that that morning I was crying in my laundry and panicked to even go to the park.

Again, beautifully written! I feel the same. It seems I am typically in some sort of episode these days but I am terrified of becoming psychotic again. It has only happened to me a few times but, when it does, I know nothing more frightening than the complete loss of control that comes with it. What am I capable of? When I am psychotic I believe every sick thought that comes to mind to be true and no one can challenge my false beliefs. The thought scares the hell out of me.