[wildflowerchild25]

so let me start off by saying I'm still stable. But I've been feeling off for a couple of days now and it's been triggered by the smell of summer. Like, have you ever been triggered to remember a particularly bad episode, and feel anxious and upset because of it? That's what's happening to me. It has been particularly hot and humid here for a few days. The air smells like it does in the middle of summer. And I'm not sure why but every time I step outside I am transported back to inpatient in my mind. I am transported back to the last couple of summers, both of which were horrible messes of depression and mixed episodes. I literally feel like I am reliving it, at least for a few seconds. It's disorienting. It's put me off for the whole day. This on top of terrible triggering dreams about IP, self harm, and total breakdowns. I don't know why this is all happening but I know I've been smoking twice as much because I'm so anxious.

I did move on Saturday which was very stressful and the stress plus the smell may have triggered this weird stuff going on. Not to mention I packed up Myers and didn't find them until yesterday. Missed a couple of days.

I'm sure I'll be alright, I was just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh yes. Can totally relate. I could have written your post. Summer is triggering for me too. When I was 18 a traumatic event happened during the summer. Bad and stressful things always seem to happen in the summer. I had my first ever episode of depression in the summer.

The last episode of depression I had was during the summer (two summers ago, and it was really intense).

So season change always makes me a little off feeling too.

Oh, and I've been smoking more too. It's out of control right now.

[Capriciousness]

I can relate. I have felt off for awhile too. I feel pretty stable but I am just kinda mildly all over the place. Right now I feel weepy and emotional and kinda flustered about something but I don't really have anything to be flustered about. Sigh.

[~Christina]

Yes yes yes !!! Smell is a big deal for me too. There are some things I really just have to avoid at all costs as they bring back horrible things. One thing you can try is putting essential olis under your nose, just rub a bit on there, it can mask that smell enough that maybe you wont have that moment of " omg no ! " I use lavendar or citrus.

I hope your able to get settled in quickly as making a move is stressful.

I'm glad in general your still stable, you need a good long stretch of feeling good and going about life

[Atypical_Disaster]

I can relate. I think I have a touch of PTSD from my various episodes. It's not fun. Some of my worst episodes have happened over the summer so I know what you mean.

[jacky8807]

i can relate as well although it can bring good or bad feelings. Today the smell of the airconditioner (??) brought me into the smell of hypomania and i lusted after it
but when scents bring you to a rough time it can be pretty disturbing

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm glad I'm not alone. I felt better by the end of the day. I read or heard that your sense of smell is one of the most powerful memory triggers in your body. I believe it!

I think I have a bit of PTSD from some of my more severe episodes as well. Just remembering how awful and out of control I felt is sickening sometimes. But I feel good this year, didn't get my spring mania, so I hope I can avoid my summer depression/mixed episode as well.

[cashart10]

For me, the smell of a friend's ministry takes me back to a time I was very manic. It almost instantly has me believing the Holy Spirit is physically manifesting. That is the only smell induced trigger I can think of relative to my bipolar. Mostly, music does this to me. There are songs that literally sicken me and others that bring a beautiful nostalgia.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm just going to ramble here because it's already open. I was feeling a little better today. Yesterday I was flat out depressed. Not severely but enough that my husband noticed. I just cannot get the memories of various IP stays out of my head. Various crises. Going as far back as my teens. I keep thinking about the time I spent in a group home when I was 15. How I wish I could have done things differently. That is being triggered by a student though. a student who reminds me of me at that age. I'm just tired. I want to go back to the days before I thought I had bipolar. After my first round of ECT when I just enjoyed the hypo mania without thinking that's what it was and I ditched meds and therapy and SURVIVED. and even thrived. I wish I could do that again. Every night it's a reminder that I'm not the same. And I never will be.

But if I stopped meds my husband would have a fit. He was mad at me for packing them up and missing two nights because I was too tired from unpacking to figure out which box they were in. And yet he wants to have another baby. He thinks I can stay on my meds during pregnancy but they are all category C so I couldn't.

I just want to go back to my previous life when I just lived and didn't obsess and didn't question every action or mood.

I think actually though that this might be PMS because I'm eating practically everything in sight. Even if I'm not hungry. I just want to eat. That happens to me when I'm PMSing sometimes. So it could all be hormonal.

sigh. We all know this comes over me for a few days and then I'm fine. I'll be feeling stupid about this in a couple of days.

I wish the smell of summer would go away! Or at least that I could stop obsessing when I step outside. Mindfulness, right?

[~Christina]

Its good that you are letting all this out, hopefully that will help,even a little bit.

Its wonderful your self aware, but total suckiness that your being triggered

Is it possible for you to talk to your husband about the reality of having another child right now, I mean your still trying to manage your marriage, your child , your job and just your life in general.. His even talking about expanding the family might be a a background trigger that is going to worry you. Your plate is full atm.

I am sending lots of healing energy your way. Hang in there girl

My memories of my first locked ward admission come flooding back when ever I smell a certain type of biscuit. It no longer triggers episodes, but it used to. Its frustrating when bad memories and guilt come back again.

Have you spoken to your hubby about the meds? Is there a risk of PPD?

[wildflowerchild25]

In reality I know the meds are necessary so I take them without much issue. And I'm definitely not ready for another baby. It's not even on the table. Hell we just moved into a two bedroom apt not a week ago - where the hell would we put another baby? My husband's just been mentioning things. He know I'm not ready. What he doesn't know is that I'm not sure I ever will be. But I'm not worried about it right now. My excuse right now is I want my son to be in kindergarten so we don't have to pay for daycare for two kids. That's another year away.

Better today, rough morning but ok day. Still thinking too much, but less than the last week or so. Maybe I'm finally getting used to summer coming!

[raspberrytorte]

I know my husband wouldn't mind having another baby. We've talked about it, but I don't think I could mentally handle another (I'm struggling with just having one! I couldn't imagine two. I'd be a wreck!).

Anyway, so we decided no, mostly because of me.

So I think it's okay if you never feel ready. Your husband will understand I'm sure.

[Blitter2014]

I love my kids, I really do. But I can't describe the pain of having two of them not talk to me for the last two years because their mum as told them I am too unstable and a bad influence in their lives. Do I regret having them? No, but I do feel guilt that I am not the parent I wanted to be because of my bipolar.

There is wisdom in knowing where your limitations lie. I wish I had recognized them earlier.

Smell can trigger me too. I'm so sorry you are going through all this right now. That is awful. I hope you feel better soon and that a major episode doesn't hit you.

Hugs!

[wildflowerchild25]

I can't do this. i want to get rid of all my meds and just suffer. I don't deserve a happy life. I'm not providing details just know I am a truly awful person and don't deserve everything I have worked for. And I don't even ****ing want it. I just want to collapse and die but that's too good for me.

Isn't it worse when you can't blame your actions on an episode? I'm not in an episode. It just turns out that I'm a terrible person anyway.

**** this. I dont want drugs.

I just want to scream curses. I'm having dreams every night of si and just SCREAMINGLY and viciously attacking people. Then I wake up and it's summer. Then I get irritated by an innocent little boy and I can't control my actions. Then I want to die.

And I'm not even in an episode. This is all just me.

No comfort. I don't deserve it.

[wildflowerchild25]

I want to take all my klonopin. And drink. I want to be away from myself. If I can just get through tonight I Might feel ok in the am.

How can you forgive yourself when you don't deserve the forgiveness?

[raspberrytorte]

What happened?

[~Christina]

Your not a terrible person I know you cant see that right now, but you deserve happiness.

Can you get the self harm stuff outta reach? Do you have a T now? If so can you call them.. Maybe just a good rant session with a therapist will help knock the edge off this. Please stay safe. You deserve happiness... What your feeling? this is triggers, triggers making you believe the lies that Bipolar tells. Remember Bipolar lies ....it just does!!!

Stay safe

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm staying safe. I had a moment. I didn't mean to bring it here. I had nowhere else to go. I do not have a therapist atm as I just moved and I didn't like my T at all. I have to find one around here.

I don't want to go into detail but basically I hurt my son in a fit of rage and it still makes me feel sick and I wish I weren't alive to hurt him. He didn't have any marks on him or anything and he forgot about it pretty quick but I haven't. I couldn't stand his tantrum and had one of my own. It's despicable.

I am a little calmer now though, just trying not to cry and think about other things. I think I'll be ok once I sleep. Maybe I'll be out of this funk. I have a job interview tomorrow for a public school. I gotta get my game face on, it would be a lot more money and less aggravation.

[raspberrytorte]

Awe, try not to feel bad. We as moms are not perfect. We have a three year old, and while she is mostly well behaved, she has her toddler moments of course. What I do when I'm frustrated with her is go into our bedroom and slam the door behind me and give myself a little time out so I don't destroy something in front of her (like put a hole in the wall or something). I feel like a monster when I need to give myself these times out because she bangs on the door and tries to get in and screams mommy mommy! But it's better than having a temper tantrum in front of her I guess. (I admittedly have some anger issues once in awhile obviously!)

Maybe try giving yourself a time out like that if you start feeling frustrated with your son again.

It usually only takes me about five minutes to cool off.

Anyway, just an idea.

Good luck at your interview!

Goodluck for the job interview, that's a positive!

I'm not a mum but am at the age where the majority of my friends are - most of them mentally stable and they've had their tantrums with their kids too, so I do not think you are a terrible person by any means. It happened to the best of them. Try not to let guilt consume you as we know where that leads.

All the best (( hugs ))

[wildflowerchild25]

Well I had a really ****ing rough morning. I became consumed by the need to SI. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to cry but I kept it together in front of my students. But I couldn't resist. I took scissors to the bathroom and did it there. They weren't very sharp so it's just a scratch but still. I'm disappointed in myself and very worried about my husband's reaction. I know he will freak out. He will start screaming that I can't do this to him again and I can't be depressed because I have no reason to be so therefore I need to just get over it and stop thinking bad thoughts.

I know this because this is what he does. He's done it before. And I will get **** for lying to him and not telling him about this little hiccup, which I deserve because he's been asking me for a week now if I'm ok and I've been saying yes, I'm just tired. I didn't want the lecture.

I suppose this is an episode, albeit a minor one. I wish I could at least get the highs as well. Since I started the higher Wellbutrin dose two months ago I was completely stable. Now I have stumbled. But it is minor. I have not fallen.

I think it's sad that I do this to myself. I cannot control the obsessive thoughts. I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I want to be like this. Maybe I like the drama. Maybe that's it. In which case I am an attention seeking baby.

sigh...it's only temporary.

[wildflowerchild25]

Just....**** it. For real. This depression has now sunk into moderate. I can't stop thinking about self harm. But I've abstained today. Too tired. I told my husband I'm down. He says call pdoc. He says "we can't have a repeat of anything that happened at your mom's house". He's right. Can't continue the cycle. It's all ******** anyway. I should never have to be hospitalized. All the times....they were just me not keeping a grip on myself. Plenty of bp people never go inpatient. And me, I've been 19 times. How utterly pathetic and ridiculous.

Doesn't matter. I don't need ip. Not suicidal enough to act on anything. Just enough to be like well wouldn't it be nice if I were dead instead.

It's all ********. I will feel better then I will feel worse. Then better. Then worse. It doesn't matter.

I'm just talking. Nothing really makes any difference.

If it's any consolation I've been inpatient a lot too. But I don't have the high level of support I need in the community when I am severly depressed or depressed with mixed features. Honestly everytime I try to stay out it makes me worse. But sometimes I get through without it. Did something trigger this or is it med change territory?