Grrr...

That's the thing...I usually only listen to christian or harmless secular music around my daughter (or in general) because that is extremely important to me. There was no lesson to learn here. The problem is this song is a part of me and it is one that is very hard to separate from. That was more important to me than protecting my daughter from the song.

I'm sorry you can't move your appt up. Bricks might help actually. We use a weighted blanket for the elementary kids at school when they freak out to help them feel secure. I wouldn't put too many bricks on though lol. It doesn't matter how stupid you look if it helps. Maybe instead of bricks wrap yourself really tightly in a blanket or sheet. Still get that security and reality sense.

As a sort of redemption I am going to share one of my favorite christian songs. Those of you who listen will all probably think it is a weird song.

That Where I Am, There You Rich Mullins


I have always felt I have a soul connection to this artist. Yes, I am a weirdo, ha!

On the way home from my husband's work (we went to visit), I took the Gene Snyder which is both the long way and my favorite way home. Aside from me flying down the road (which was nothing more than by default), it was a wonderful trip. At one point, the clouds looked like they opened in a cartoon like way for me to drive right through. I didn't, obviously, because I had my kids with me but it was amazing to imagine. There is so much beauty and so much potential in the sky. I could drive and never stop. My sister expressed to me today that she is afraid I will leave and never come back. How convenient. I confessed to her that more than once of late I have fought the desire to drive to the beach. To swim in the amazing ocean, to relish in it's power, it's might, it's majesty. She told me I need to come up with a plan to avoid that from happening. How in the hell am I to make a plan to keep from fleeing from here to such a glorious place. Things are falling into place. My life is falling into place.

If YOU think you need IP then YOU need IP . You don't need your Pdocs approval to go in. The ER can navigate you into a hospital. I know that you are hopping back and forth..

One minute your saying your fine the next you are coming unglued.. Your all over the place, I just reread the last 8-10 pages of this post... I hope your able to stay safe. Yes I am shutting up now.

Thank you. If (and when) the paranoia return, I will try this. God knows I need to do something different.

How are you doing tonight? Are you taking your klonopin and sleeping? That's so important.

Can you print off what you have shared here and let your therapist read it? I think she needs to see it, not just hear you, so she can see the flow of your thoughts without any conversational changes that dilute what you mean. She needs to really see and understand what you are thinking and I think reading is the best way to do that.

And now I must race off and take my meds. I have to get up super early to take my mom to the hospital for surgery. Once again I'll probably be up all to nearly all night if you need someone.

I think you need to go to the ER. I think you are psychotic. Forget about appointments and opinions.

Just my opinion. Sorry if this hurts your feelings.

Oh yeah, and I sleep with a 22 lb blanket because the weight is soothing. You are craving a good thing. Obviously you can't get a 22 lb blanket right now but getting under a pile of blankets and something heavy would likely help. Are you able to soak in a bathtub? The weight of the water has some benefit, even more if you can add some soothing scent.

You're not going to die and you don't deserve to die. It's just that your head is not in a good place and it's making it hard for you by telling you lies like that.

Your daughter will be fine and she'll probably forget all about this. You didn't mean to upset her and once you realized you had upset her, you stopped. I think it's that music is such an important thing for *you* right now that you're giving the incident more weight than it deserves. She's not in danger and neither are you.

To be perfectly honest, I think the sheer intensity of emotion you're experiencing with music right now is part of your mania, and once you come off this high, it won't be so hard to separate yourself from that song. You know bipolar folks obsess about stuff that seems really super important when manic, but doesn't have the same effect when stable. I don't think it's "you" who didn't want to turn the song off for your daughter's sake. I think it was your bipolar being a jerk.

It's going to be okay. If you feel guilty about it, just pray for forgiveness and keep strictly kid-friendly music in the car from now on.

ETA: If you get to the point you can't fight the compulsion to drive off, it's time to hand the keys to your husband. They need you, and if your family is becoming afraid you're going to run away, then you should listen to them. They love you and want you safe.

Oh dear. I can so relate to this. During my last episode, I thought everything in the world was so ****ing beautiful and felt like I was one with the clouds and the wind and the trees, and I would drive around late at night and listen to music, and I remember once I drove by a park and just had to stop because the park was so beautiful! Just how beautiful the forest was. I tried taking a picture of it on my phone, but it didn't turn out very well. So I just sat there and actually felt myself becoming one with the trees and the wind and the night.

Seriously, the episode was a living hell for me, but there were still moments where I felt so connected to the world around me and thought everything was so beautiful.

I have notebooks full of the world and universe contemplations I had at the time.

I thought I was dreaming. I felt if I could collect enough of the beauty I saw in the world while asleep I could save everyone, make everyone happy, once I was ready to wake myself up and had collected enough of this positive energy (by manically making collage after positive collage) and releasing it.

Sorry for this long rant, but I'm just really relating to you here.

And at the time I felt all these things I didn't understand what was happening to me. I'd never experienced racing thoughts to that extent before. I'd never been that frenzied or wired before. I remember just dancing around to music in the morning with my daughter. (The music didn't play a huge role...but it was still there. It was skrillex for me for some reason.)

Anyway, so I was delusional, and psychotic, and it really progressed fast. And I didn't know what was happening to me. It had never happened before. Even my husband didn't know what to make of it.

At night when I couldn't sleep I listened to music (post rock) and just let my racing thoughts go along with the music, which made them a bit more tolerable, until right at the end.

Just, I don't know, as horrible as I felt, everything in the world still seemed so beautiful to me.

So, I don't know what you should do. I have zero advice. I ended up in the hospital and they put me on a massive dose of seroquel, and that brought me back to reality.

Also - don't feel guilty or ashamed of finding women attractive or watching porn. I'm not christian. So that may be why I don't feel guilty about it. I've had relationships with both men and women (I'm bisexual. Sorry if that's tmi). I just don't want you to feel bad about it. But I have different morals. Actually, if there is a hell, my *** is going there. Lol. Sorry!

Okay, I'm stopping now.

I'm always repeating myself anyway. Big eye roll there. Sorry everyone.

And I also don't want to start a religious debate, but that's part of the reason why I decided not to follow the christian faith.

I feel like everything in it is so based on guilt. Like you're made to feel guilty and ashamed about everything, and there's always that worry about going to hell. I decided not to follow it after reading the bible (I was brought up in a VERY christian family. Very religious. I lost my virginity when I was eighteen, and my dad wouldn't speak to me afterwards for weeks because I wasn't married. I was shamed for losing my virginity. Not cool. And once I admitted to my mom that I had made out with a girl, and she just BEGGED me not to be a lesbian because she didn't want me to go to hell. And my dad told me that if I DID become a lesbian he would disown me. So I kind of have a sour taste in my mouth about christianity. My husband is really getting interested in it right now, reading the bible, etc., talking about taking our daughter to church, and I'm totally cool with that. But I'M not stepping foot in a church!).

Don't want to offend anyone, but that's just how I feel about it.

cash - I just don't want you to feel guilty or ashamed.

And please DON'T feel guilty about the music you're listening to! It's seriously okay.

I don't believe I need the hospital right now. I am not sure they will take me anyway even if I am acutely manic because I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. Thank you though.

I reread the same 8 pages and I don't understand myself to be all over the place. I feel manic and unfortunately am experiencing some serious panic and sudden paranoia. I think I will be fine. I think the negativity will subside and I will be well.

As always, thank you for your concern! If you are shutting up because you think I'm not listening, I'm sorry! I do listen though, I just struggle with following through. If you are shutting up because you think you are saying too much, well that is definitely not the case. I am lost and blind and struggling, even in my elation there is darkness. I have no idea what I want, I just know I can't be trusted in my own head. That is why I spit out so many words here.

Yes, I'm taking the Klonapin and it is helping me sleep. Not as good as the first night but only woke up once and slept the rest of the night. Didn't wake up so drowsy either.

I see my therapist tomorrow and yes, I can do that. I will let her know that a friend on here requested it.

It does not hurt my feelings and thank you for your honest opinion. I have my husband here who is seeing my ins and outs (although he doesn't hear my ins and outs because I know he'll think I'm really out of it if I tell him the things I tell you). He would tell me if a trip to the hospital is warranted based on my behavior.

The strangest thing happened tonight though. My husband was upset with me over the condition of the house (my neice and nephews were here along with my kiddos and together they all but destroyed the house--he blamed me, of course) and he came upstairs and demanded to read what I had written on here (PC). Why are you so secretive, he asked. I told him he would think I was crazy if he read the stuff I wrote and quickly jumped to a new tab. He said he didn't know if I should be on this site anymore. So I said fine and I read him what Christina said and my response. He wasn't much phased and then all was fine again. Odd exchange at an odd time, huh?

Thank you. I really think that will help you. My therapist learned really quickly to start questioning what I was doing and how much I was doing it and how I felt about it. I have had a tendency to want to take on all these odd projects. When I owned a house it was really bad. Basement carpet needs pulled up even though it is glued down? Enter Super Jen. 4 layers of wallpaper must be scraped off an entire room and it was applied incorrectly so that it wouldn't come off with any normal tools or chemicals, enter Super Jen. Etc. Once he took my tools away because he felt that I was at risk for injuring myself, not on purpose but accidentally because I was so high and shaky and nervous. I was so mad about that but I couldn't promise I wouldn't touch it so I lost it for about 6 weeks. But if he didn't ask I'd never have even though to describe what was happening because it made total sense to me (and often continued to do so even when I was told it didn't). So it helps to let them see what you are thinking no matter what you think about how right and normal it is. (I'm fairly sure this has saved me from stitches in the past ).

I just reread the whole thread and you do seem to be everywhere. You can't see it because that's part of the definition of our illness, or your illness. You do need something to help you but you seem intent on stepping on your own toes on your way to get help.

It is nice to know that someone can relate to this madness. I've never been hospitalized for mania, only depression, but if anyone other than my husband had known how psychotic I had become during my most major episode, I would have been hospitalized. I have also been with both men and women, at one point I thought I was a lesbian. But, that was before I was a christian and I experienced similar guilt from my parents about it. I think their guilt was indeed a big influence in why I started dating guys.

Thank you!

I don't really feel guilt about listening to the music. I feel guilt because it is so important to me that I am listening to inappropriate music while my children are around. That is a big deal for me.

So you found a boundary with the music. I doubt there's anyone on here who hasn't found an awkward boundary, probably lots of times. 2 years ago I ruined Christmas for my self and hurt my then 3 year old niece very badly. And because of things that happened since then it probably is the last Christmas my whole family (mom, siblings, spouses, kids) will ever have together. We got to their house and were carrying in presents and the door didn't shut tightly and my brother's dog got out which he yelled at me for. I hadn't taken my klonopin like I should have prior to getting there so I was stressed and became manicky. My niece asked if there were presents for her and I sarcastically said "nope, none for you". She didn't see I was smiling and she spent 2 months asking "why did Aunt Jen lie to me?". I hurt her feelings so badly and I thought I couldn't have done anything worse to her for a while. But kids do move on and right now I'm her favorite person. I still am bothered by it and she's probably completely forgotten it.

I bet your daughter will move on too and that will be the end of it. I'm pretty sure she won't throw this in your face when she's 13; she'll find much better ammunition by then .

Thank you for your support and suggestions!! I'm feeling overwhelmed by all these things I need to do. I handed over the cards, that worked. But the keys, that will deeply effect all of us and be nearly impossible to sift through. If it gets bad enough I will discuss it with my husband without doing anything rash. We can make it work if we have to. We would if I was in the hospital. Thank you also for the reminder to pray. I need it these days as I have fallen far.

LOL...I'm sure she will.

If your decision is to not go IP, then that is what it is. But I dare suggest that you are very volatile now. Keep that in mind, and try to make some pre-cautions in your home-environment.
I am not going to weigh in on the should/should-not go IP, because there is so much good advice here about that already.
Use s little time to find a safe and comfortable place to go when you become too unhinged. (the laundry room, the porch, a comfy chair in a quiet corner, etc.) I remember once I sat on the bathroom floor watching the washing-mashine going, lol... (I have a frontloading mashine in the bathroom.) And it was strangely soothing. I was stressed out of my mind at that point. But it helped me calm down. I find the bathroom-floor to be a quite comfortable and safe place to be. It has heated tiles, and its is nice and warm and solid and grounding! So that works for me, however weird that sounds
And also; the weigthed blanket could really help you. I have heard so many people recommend them. They might be a bit pricy, but call the manufacturer and ask if you can try one out for a down-payment.
I am an occupational therapist (a non-practicing one...), and have worked with finding technical solutions for people with physical handicaps. So I know that sometimes these companies that manufacure/sell things like that, might be willing to let you have a try.

I think your love of music is a great thing, but don't let it overtake you. When I listen too long to the same song (which I sometimes do), it makes me somehow disconnect with the world around me, and then I just think about that song. If I listen to a lot of very up-beat music it has the same effect, just to a much stronger degree. Makes me hypo.
I think we sometimes underestimate the effect music have on our brain. Our sense of hearing is a very fine-tuned thing, and it is directly connected with different parts of our brain. Music can have a very powerful emotional effect.
And remember that us BPs have a tendency of becoming sligthly obsessed with certain things, and letting that overshadow other things.
Listening to certain songs, over and over again, has as strong an effect on me as drinking alcohol... (great, but not always great!)

So, I shared all of the posts with my therapist and she does not think I am delusional. She said it is not overly a concern to have a musical obsession. She said I am a very intense and passionate individual and that is what sparks the obsession. She says she knows me and I generally put my thoughts out there more and better than most people with no actions attached. She said I am often too scared to follow through. I think what she had to say makes sense. Anyway, that's that.