[bbTofu]

Hello guys,

As the title indicates ~ I was once sort of diagnosed with cyclothymia .. well I had a breakdown 5 years ago in which I was severely depressed due to unexpected life events, following a psychosis for some time and when I got relatively stable shrink said I may be cyclothymic. Life has changed drastically since the breakdown .. for the positive.

Ive been traveling to India few years ago then started studying Social work and im 2nd yr now. Its very difficult., the content I have to deal with outwardly and inwardly.. I maintain a job, work like 2-3 days a week... I live with my mother who I love but can't stand, everything she says irritates me.

Generally I am a very sensitive being, and unfortunately I'm hating it because everything is so freaking INTENSE.
I can feel like wanting to touch every tiny bit life has to offer, going on adventures, socializing, just happy and grateful for being able to feel every thing.
Sometimes its just unbearable .. I feel like my body is going to explode, like it can't contain my sensations and emotions.

I've been dating a girl who seem understand me, my thoughts, my beliefs. It was going great.. I was so high, I was creative.. something I never did with girls, I was romantic but I couldn't kiss her because I've never really initiated and I'm fearful in that kind of stuff, always I was initiated on with girls.
Anyways so last time I didn't do it again and then I texted her about how I feel every time she looks at me and how badly I want to kiss her and so on... she said she doesn't know what to say, And itit's pretty much over I'm sure..

The thought that I have to move on - kills me. Im falling in love too easily, and it just hurts too much.

I don't even know what im feeling. Im terrified and afraid of myself.
I can get depressed for 15 minutes ~ wanting to die n just kill myself, and then im suddenly hyper energetic, not happy but all fueled up just to do stuff..
I went for a spontaneous 48 min run, felt good. And then I didnt really feel like it was me running. Not exhausted... not sleepy now (1:50 am) ..just.. im exhausted with feeling this strange.
I'm afraid to do irrational stuff like not showing up for work or university, stoppinf university also comes up.. making contacts with people.. because I really.. just want someone to hug me and say they love me just the way I am.. I need a hug, a long one yeah. I want to hug forever!

I think cyclothymia and me digging in Astrology and stuff like that ia basically a deep desire just to understand my self, what I am.
An aries sun, cancer moon by the way...

WoWorth mentioning; I'm in therapy (psychodynamic) for years now... no meds, no 'active' diagnosis, haven't seen a psychiatrist for many years, and my therapist doesn't think I'm cyclothymic and I think she's wrong really...

My fingers hurt writing so much using my phone.

I just hope someone will read at least anything I wrote, that's all I want. ... I don't feel like I have someone to share these crazy stuff except my therapist and maybe a friend who isn't available for this, for me, for himself actually

So....

Thanks

[bbTofu]

Hello ? Is anybody out there ?

[Crazy Hitch]

Hello bbTofu

Thank you for introducing yourself to us. This is a great place to be for online support.

I found a good blog for you here on PsychCentral:

The 4 Keys to Managing Bipolar Disorder | Psych Central

There are a number of Forums here at Psych Central that you are free to browse around. Consider this like your personal Library. Nobody knows what you are looking at really.

So don’t worry about what Books your Read. You are free to Browse all you like. If you feel like it, you are free to enter a Chapter in a Book in this Library that is available to you. Research has shown that those who choose to actively Write; gain more from their experience in online forums. If you write a Chapter that contributes towards our Magnificent Library, please anticipate a response. And in doing so you unconsciously help others Browse our Special Library too and provide members unknown Knowledge that we are not alone. There are so many just like us. We all have a different Chapter to write. Or a different Book to Read. We all help keep this Library of Knowledge alive. Thank you for being a part of this.

If you need any help or support navigating the site please feel free to contact one our Community Liaisons. We will be happy to help you.

Once your first 5 posts have been approved by Admin – feel free to pop in any time into one of the Chat Rooms if you feel like Chatting to PsychCentral Members.

Take care.

Psych Central Blogs

[Crazy Hitch]

Hello bbTofu

Thank you for introducing yourself to us. This is a great place to be for online support.

I found a good blog for you here on PsychCentral:

The 4 Keys to Managing Bipolar Disorder | Psych Central

There are a number of Forums here at Psych Central that you are free to browse around. Consider this like your personal Library. Nobody knows what you are looking at really.

So don’t worry about what Books your Read. You are free to Browse all you like. If you feel like it, you are free to enter a Chapter in a Book in this Library that is available to you. Research has shown that those who choose to actively Write; gain more from their experience in online forums. If you write a Chapter that contributes towards our Magnificent Library, please anticipate a response. And in doing so you unconsciously help others Browse our Special Library too and provide members unknown Knowledge that we are not alone. There are so many just like us. We all have a different Chapter to write. Or a different Book to Read. We all help keep this Library of Knowledge alive. Thank you for being a part of this.

If you need any help or support navigating the site please feel free to contact one our Community Liaisons. We will be happy to help you.

Once your first 5 posts have been approved by Admin – feel free to pop in any time into one of the Chat Rooms if you feel like Chatting to PsychCentral Members.

Take care.

Psych Central Blogs

[elevatedsoul]

[jde63]

Originally Posted by bbTofu

Hello guys,

As the title indicates ~ I was once sort of diagnosed with cyclothymia .. well I had a breakdown 5 years ago in which I was severely depressed due to unexpected life events, following a psychosis for some time and when I got relatively stable shrink said I may be cyclothymic. Life has changed drastically since the breakdown .. for the positive.

Ive been traveling to India few years ago then started studying Social work and im 2nd yr now. Its very difficult., the content I have to deal with outwardly and inwardly.. I maintain a job, work like 2-3 days a week... I live with my mother who I love but can't stand, everything she says irritates me.

Generally I am a very sensitive being, and unfortunately I'm hating it because everything is so freaking INTENSE.
I can feel like wanting to touch every tiny bit life has to offer, going on adventures, socializing, just happy and grateful for being able to feel every thing.
Sometimes its just unbearable .. I feel like my body is going to explode, like it can't contain my sensations and emotions.

I've been dating a girl who seem understand me, my thoughts, my beliefs. It was going great.. I was so high, I was creative.. something I never did with girls, I was romantic but I couldn't kiss her because I've never really initiated and I'm fearful in that kind of stuff, always I was initiated on with girls.
Anyways so last time I didn't do it again and then I texted her about how I feel every time she looks at me and how badly I want to kiss her and so on... she said she doesn't know what to say, And itit's pretty much over I'm sure..

The thought that I have to move on - kills me. Im falling in love too easily, and it just hurts too much.

I don't even know what im feeling. Im terrified and afraid of myself.
I can get depressed for 15 minutes ~ wanting to die n just kill myself, and then im suddenly hyper energetic, not happy but all fueled up just to do stuff..
I went for a spontaneous 48 min run, felt good. And then I didnt really feel like it was me running. Not exhausted... not sleepy now (1:50 am) ..just.. im exhausted with feeling this strange.
I'm afraid to do irrational stuff like not showing up for work or university, stoppinf university also comes up.. making contacts with people.. because I really.. just want someone to hug me and say they love me just the way I am.. I need a hug, a long one yeah. I want to hug forever!

I think cyclothymia and me digging in Astrology and stuff like that ia basically a deep desire just to understand my self, what I am.
An aries sun, cancer moon by the way...

WoWorth mentioning; I'm in therapy (psychodynamic) for years now... no meds, no 'active' diagnosis, haven't seen a psychiatrist for many years, and my therapist doesn't think I'm cyclothymic and I think she's wrong really...

My fingers hurt writing so much using my phone.

I just hope someone will read at least anything I wrote, that's all I want. ... I don't feel like I have someone to share these crazy stuff except my therapist and maybe a friend who isn't available for this, for me, for himself actually

So....

Thanks

It is often hard to separate friendships from romantic possibilities - sometimes we misread subtle hints...

Perhaps you could see a psychiatrist that can address the possible cyclothymia with proper treatment.

[bbTofu]

Thank you guys for the warm welcoming

@jde63, It is hard to separate. I expect something romantic, on the other hand I don't want to lose the person completely because she could be a fantastic friend as well because I don't have that many friends or even at all that understand me the way she does.
It is hard, because I yearn for intimacy and romance and it is frustrating as hell to learn that the girl I'm so emotionally invested with is not a person to engage with romantically.

btw I try to bring this up with my therapist everytime but it kinda either comes up in the end of the session or I just can't get myself to talk about this in the middle of the session.. meh.

[bbTofu]

Going to see my therapist in an hour, brief thoughts update;
Typically I'd be depressed because things didn't go well with the girl, I'd get the cruelest despair feelings but now, I mean I get all upset when I think about her and the fact it doesn't go the way I'd hoped for, really upset.. she's freaking lovely and adorable and .. yeah.. but I get fired up by other stimulus around me, ideas and thoughts and I just... feel fine relatively to how I guess I should be feeling.

What I was doing in last days is getting myself surrounded with friends and stuff, and I barely even bothered telling them how bad I feel about the girl and how it affects me, because I realize I don't feel that way when I'm with people or doing stuff, I only begin to feel like that when I'm alone and I'm kinda forced to think about her.

Uhh ... All I'm thinking is what I'm gonna do next like right here right now, not girl-wise. or actually girl-wise too. HALLELUJAH?!#$

I just hope I won't forget sharing my therapist the important things I wanted to share.

[bbTofu]

I had a tiresome few days, had a night-shift and a very long day in the practicum where I had to see 3 patients of mine one after the other which was HARD, I have forgotten that I scheduled them in such way.

Last patient was very agitated and exhausted projecting his exhaustion to me, in the end of the session I had a severe headache but I worked it through and wrote a Vignette of the session so I could work on it with my mentoring social worker.

Despite all that I still going and going with tasks and functioning somewhat Above-My-Average, my creativity was shining and even my mentor noted it and co-workers said they sense something positive in my presence.

Driving back home I was thinking maybe I'm just happy ...
Maybe things have changed and I'm just happy and I'm never gonna get the blues again??
I came home, ate something and just crashed into bed ~ I thought I'm gonna sleep forever.
But hey I slept for 2 hours, walked my dog, did some exercise instead of running because my knees still hurt from the last run where I went 2.5km over what I should have. I'm gonna try to get some sleep but I'm not sure I can.
Honestly, I'd drive and go to the sea with someone but nobody is up for that ...

Yesterday I had a meeting scheduled with a professor who teaches Qualitative Research Methodology, and I had nothing prepared for the meeting which is intended to provide me some guideline for further work.
So day before that I was struggling to get myself on the task just to prepare some questions, when I eventually forced myself ~ I found myself digging hours into the subject and I ended up meeting with him for 40minutes~ instead of brief 15minutes and he said that my ideas for the research are very creative and fascinating but they're too big (grandiose??) and are not for a Mini-research that is meant just for having the feel of qualitative research, what I want is a research for 1-2 years at least and at least for M.A thesis or PhD .. was he saying that just to not leaving my with a sense of "get back to earth u crazy little 2nd year student" or .. ?
Anyway I was ecstatic that he said it is a good idea for PhD, acknowledging my 'good-work' and ambition, delighting.


P.S - Is that okay or unusual that I post here as a way of keeping kind-of-a-journal ?

I haven't said I'm sorry for the grammar mistakes I may have repeatedly done, workin' on it (I'm an Israeli after all..) :-)

[wiretwister]

welcome.... glad your feeling better... does seeing your thoughts in writing help you...? ..

[bbTofu]

Thank you wiretwister

I think it does help.

I often have the urge to express myself and share, often in a disorganized way and writing helps a bit although it may seem like a stream of thoughts without a funnel

Also I channel the energy to writing so it's something to do which integrates my thinking and feeling and DOING so yeah it has it's benefits

<3 Tiger

[Wander]

Welocome!!! Keep posting if it helps

[bbTofu]

Heyo, today is kinda awful and freaking irritating. I'm so irritated I want to die, or to rip something off of someone, almost raging from inside myself.

Yesterday I was feeling all energetic although I had a freaking exhausting day, didn't want to sleep, went out for a drive, took my dog and guitar and just sat in the nature after 20-30minutes of just driving. Came home, fell asleep for like a baby, woke up after 5 hours and decided there's nothing good to wake up for now ~ fell asleep for few hours more.
And this is the feeling I have all day, that there is just nothing interesting to do. I went shopping with my mother and it was just damn boring, then she went to buy meat and I'm vegan, that pissed me off, I went nutz saying things to her that she's a murderer and blaming her, and that feeling just doesn't go away.

I have lots of stuff to do, I got 3 books to read for my studies (about Carl Jung) and stuff do with with my research work, but I really don't feel like putting any effort in stuff like that, I just want to ease up with people but no one wants to meet me now, I think I'm irritating them they can't contain my presence like this. I can't contain myself.

It feels like I'm about to explode.

Do you feel pissed when hypo-manic/manic ? or is it a sign of cycling "down" ?
How do you get yourself to a state where you want to get things done ?
I feel like hatin' everything and I want to get out of this and be productive again.

[Woolly Bugger]

Hello and welcome to the forum! I have a few random thoughts, which may or may not be helpful:

1) Don't give up on the girl. Take it very slowly and work toward establishing friendship. Then, perhaps, something romantic will happen. You never know.

2) Write down the things you want to discuss with your therapist; that way, you won't forget them.

3) As for being "pissed off" during a manic episode, I am frequently very angry when manic or mixed, but never when depressed. (Although anger sometimes triggers depression.) It's taken some time to realize this and watch out for it so that I can stop myself from doing destructive things.

Take care.

WB

[ChaoticSymphony]

The way cyclothymia affects me is a little different. Seems like clock work that I start feeling like maybe there isn't anything wrong with me then all of the sudden about every two months I switch. Things start to look and seem unreal almost surreal as In scenery looks like oil paintings and I'm suddenly witty/fast thinker/funny. I want to be out more and being an introvert by nature this is a weird one because I actually crave other people's company. Most of my friends leave me alone for the most part unless I call them or they need to speak so when this happens I logically remember why they aren't flocking at my door step but it saddens me they aren't and that is when the phone calls start to happen or I go there. Also during this time I also see a lot of coincidences but thru therapy I've learned not to give them much significance. Before therapy I'd start to get very paranoid and checking my house for recording devices.

After all those fun and games, incessive socializing, obsessive goals to create and sell, spending money on my hobbies, like clock work, I start to lay in bed sleeping on and off all day and night. Not taking phone calls, hating myself and creating drama in my head about others and why I should cut them out of my life ect I become depressed. Then come to suicidal thoughts and impulsiveness on the negative side. Start meds or don't start meds.

[bbTofu]

Oh my. The chaotic symphony you described is like you were writing about me.
I'm not quite sure if I'm an introvert or extrovert, perhaps because the nature of my chemical brain structure

There are times where I'm all about socializing and productivity, I set up meetings with people, I increase my Vegan-Activism and go to all activities, I'm having talks in college about studies about everything, I'm speaking with lecturers to learn more..
It' feels endless; the stuff I do and want to do at that state.
And then, out of the blue (uninvited!!!) it comes ~ agitation, irritability like today.

I wonder if I'm irritated and angry because I can't get things "right". Like, I can't get myself to do the homework-reading, People don't answer my messages, and so I begin to feel lonely.

Right now, I'm confused and don't know what is it that I'm feeling exactly.
I'm afraid to get depressed, when I'm depressed I don't remember being happy, it's like I didn't have those experiences of high-happy-all-day, everything becomes void.
And I also begin to cut people out, when I had facebook I was deleting contacts and eventually deactivated the facebook account, I'm like I don't need these ****s if they aren't giving a damn to answer my call/message.

[JumpingJacks]

I have this guy that I've been talking to and I like him so much as a friend. I feel safe around him, like he understands me. Like we are in this beautiful world together and everything is easy, soft, and loving. But he's just my friend and we just talk about things and listen to each other. After I'm with him I'm on this emotional high and I feel everything, every little thing. The sunshine is so bright and songs really speak to me. Other peoples emotional states really get into me, good or bad and I'm just really sensitive to everything. I was with him yesterday at the park in euphoria with my dog and now this morning I was crying about something that happened last week. I know I'm bipolar very severely but I never noticed how quickly my moods go up and down. Feeling so strongly for someone seems to make it worse.

[bbTofu]

JumpingJack, I totally get you.
We all affected by others, and this concept has importance in therapy.

For example, last Tuesday I had 3 patients in a row.
The 1st one was very happy and feeling good, after meeting him I felt somewhat energized.
The 3rd patient was angry and anxiety driven, loud and demanding. After session I had feelings of frustration/despair and some fatigue, but after I wrote down notes and worked through what happened, it left me.
We always carry other people's projected energies, and we always project our energies onto them, whether consciously or not.

I sometimes see how I exhaust and overwhelm people when I'm kinda hypomanic, they can't hold this Rush so they reject me in some-sense, I could either be offended by it or see the reason behind.
While this is rarely available for me in Real-Time situations, it is still useful information ^_^

I forgot what I was sayin with all that ...

Anyways, today's is MUCH better than yesterday, since I got myself to sit on my mini-research work and I've found out a lot of useful stuff.
While working on it I noticed the shift in my energy ~ I started very low, reading slowly, writing notes etc.. and ended up with like 10 tabs open in the browser all related to the subject, pens and papers around, and shifting between all and writing the paperwork and it all ended when I realized I need a break because I began thinking how I'm going to implement Carl Jung and secondary traumatization into my work .. and that's just too "BIG" so I stop for now... yeah..

[bbTofu]

I had a day off from basically everything ~ barely texted anyone, didn't do anything but watch movies and read. I feel rested, good, I feel pretty balanced !

I have this thought that triggers me from time to time; that I have to proceed with my research-work because time is running out, and it is running out I'm not delusional, because the lesser time I have the less I will be able to make out of this. I mean, I need to interview people and the more the better and I only have couple of weeks for that alongside my job, studies, scholarship and other stuff I guess.

But it's fine, manageable it'll be okay.

Tomorrow seeing my therapist again, I had passing thoughts about having a break from therapy, but I think it was during some high state, I was thinking that she only delays me from going, which makes sense in a way; because in therapy one undergoes regressive process to recovery, right ?

Will possibly write tomorrow gn

[BothSidesNow59]

Hello. I'm new to psychcentral forums and also believe I'm closer to cyclothymia than other diagnoses. In early stages of learning about Interpersonal and Social Rhythm Therapy based on recommendations of my therapist.

I appreciate your starting this thread, bbTofu, and really relate to the mood swings.

30 years ago in therapy, my counselor and psychiatrist thought I might be bipolar. Eventually they decided I wasn't also, bbTofu. There was really no research or specific treatment for cyclothymia then.

I've ordered The Cyclothymia Workbook from Amazon to help track my moods and look forward to incremental improvement once it arrives.

I'm so glad I found this place. More later.

[bbTofu]

Hello BothSides, I'm glad you enjoy this forum. I'm a fresh blood here too and I really enjoy this forum for it's activity and the warmth people offer.

Interestingly about the book, while reading part of the description specifically the managing your cycles and diffusing triggers. I don't want that !
Because I think I'm currently hypo and I don't want this to end, in fact it feels like it won't be over and it's permanent
Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever felt this good and highly energetic for a long period of time. I'm not sure but I think I'm this way for a month already, while in this month I had very few days where I was relatively off or bit depressed, most of the time I'm on the fly.

[bbTofu]

Today is a day before my last day in the practicum for this year, and everyone is excited and stuff ... anyway so in one conversation we had together with the staff I kinda said something quite 'rejecting' towards the fellow student, it's 2nd year we're going together to practicum which is quite rare, so I kinda said I'd like to be with different student next year, for the sake of variety and experiencing different dynamics in new workplace ... but it came off as though I don't want her around, kinda personal and some colleague noted with seriousness "some stuff u just don't say, even if that is the way you feel" - everybody was laughing and I was surprised with the serious note, it passed by right away but it got me thinking later and I apologized to her explaining my rationale and that I had no means to insult or make it seem that way.

Mehh I hate myself in situations where I hurt people unintentionally because I get carried away in the moment...

[bbTofu]

So today was awkward. Actually the last few days my sleep has turned upside down (can I say that?)

Yesterday (not last night) I have slept for 3 hours in the night, and then I slept from 14:00 to 19:00 and then I obviously barely had any sleep in the night. I fell asleep around 5:30am to wake up in 7:40 and go practicum.

HAD a wonderful day, good day in practicum, drank an energy drink, went to library in 14:00 .. got carried away lost time, went out of the library in 17:30, no track of time at all, I was all energetic and wanting to do stuff, and read more, and drive.
For some reason I drank another energy drink, I don't know ...
I felt so good and didn't want to stop.. wanted more of it... Meh...
Drove home.. I remember I read in a book something with "176 km/h" .. so I speeding up getting to 160 km/h feeling freaking awesome, and then after bypassing a car I realized "WTF am I doing.." so I slowed down and put some relaxing music to chill...


Notes from today;
I gotta stop drinking energy drinks,
I gotta get back on running and exercising ~ And hopefully sleep well.
* I hate interrupting myself when I have fun; but I can say I wasted 3 hours in the library, I was skimming through dozens of books, learning almost nothing, just wanted to grasp EVERYTHING, from Greek philosophy to psychoanalysis books, to bipolar books... the positive thing is at least I ended up taking 1 book home, so not a complete waste. well we'll see....

How to get myself actually SLEEP at night ??? I restless.. I feel like climbing a mountain, but I won't go on running at night, because then shower-time will wake up my mother... taking a walk is too boring... I can go driving but that doesn't help to sleep afterwards... AuhhHhh ****

[RisuNeko]

Could you possibly have borderline personality disorder? It's not as easily recognized or diagnosed in men for some reason, but a lot of what you've been describing sounds BPD-ish to me.

[bbTofu]

I guess that's a possibility as there are similarities in symptoms and some behaviors.
But I never really thought/felt that I'd actually qualify for BPD.

I'd be happy to know of your observation, what of the described made you think bpd ?

Thank you