Trigger: Letter to my pdoc/therapist

Sorry for the redundancy that is some of this letter. I need to know if this is too strong. Sometimes my passion is overwhelming and gets me into trouble. The suicide references are more graphic in the original. What do you think?

I can't do this anymore. It's much too difficult. How am I supposed to live? How will I get through this? Will I ever not suffer? Yesterday I learned that the mother of my best friend from high school committed suicide. I spent weekend after weekend and summer day after summer day with both of them. I got high for he first time with them. They were a major part of my life for some time. I have neither seen nor spoken to her mother for at least 10 years yet the news devastated me. It seems all I can do is cry. Yesterday I had great resolve. "This takes cares of my suicidal thinking." I said. "How could I hurt my kids the way that she hurt her children? Her ******* 12 year old daughter found her dead." It's amazing what a day can hold. Today, I have great cowardice. "I really know how she felt;" I say. "I really ****ing understand grave desperation. I have experienced intense sorrow. I really get it. And I want to do the same thing she did; the exact same thing. It is so ****ing hard. And I know the burden of this suffering is far too agonizing to carry."

I can't stay awake...not at all. This angers my husband...of course it does, we
have a one year old daughter. I don't spend quality time with my babies. I love them and they know it through my affection and through my words but I am entirely too self-absorbed to give them my time. I can think of no more than my bitterness; I can think of no more than the torment I feel from too many demons. This angers my husband. Sometimes I cry in front of my babies. This angers my husband. I have so many people who love me but I am completely alone. It brings great sorrow. It is overly exhausting. Who is there to save me?

My mom told me last week that she really needs me to start eating healthy. She wants me to take care of myself. She is buying me healthy foods and encouraging me daily. It's not helping me. I eat junk; I don't exercise; and I simply don't care about being healthy. Why? Because I can't fight. I just don't have the desire and I have neither the resolve nor the strength to fight. I am weak. I give up everything I try. I feel as though I simply cannot fight. I truly don't want to take medicine. I don't want to fight. I want to give up; I want to die. Nothing will ever fix me again. I am broken into pieces.

To quote a great band: Rilo Kiley,
"Sometimes when you're on, you're really ****ing on...but the lows are so extreme that the good seems ****ing cheap. And it teases you for weeks in
it's absence."

I've read another of your letters before and they are quite insightful but also really saddening to read.

I don't really have much to add but understanding and support. Since I know you appreciate music, here's a quote from a great band I listen to. The song is "Lift me up".

cashhart,

I've written letters to my pdoc of a similar type, though not so strongly worded that she would tell my wife to have me committed for my own safety. But how deeply I understand your despair and hopelessness. For what's it's worth, at least you can take medicine. I'm treatment resistant, so I'm really f****d. I haven't been on for awhile so I don't know your story. Perhaps a hospitalization would be beneficial, though maybe you've been down that route.

Everything that lives is programmed to survive. I'm still dealing with the death, two years ago, of a great friend, also afflicted with severe bipolar, from a heart attack at 59. If I could hear him, he'd tell me to carry on, persevere, balls to the wall and don't take bs from anyone. My dad was of that same character. Right now, I haven't slept much in the past three days and I feel like s**t. My mood is unstable and just a week ago, I seemed to be doing better. That's bipolar.

Yes, you have a husband and children and your mother. I'm married and my wife still doesn't understand my illness and I'm the only one who has my back. I agree with you: It gets tiring and exhausting and you just want to give up. Again, perhaps a few weeks in a good hospital, with no pressures and no stress, along with therapy, can let you catch your second wind. Like a boxer, going to your corner for a minute can give you a boost to get back in the ring. Don't give up. No; life isn't a rose garden, but neither is it a place of perpetual darkness and despair.

you are worth way more than $200 a week that it would take for your kids to be in daycare while you're inpatient. I really hope that you will do in patients and PHP.you guys can find a way because if you're not there then they would have to find a way anyways. It is unfair that your husband is mad at you but I understand that he doesn't get it.I really hope that this letter pushes them to give you inpatient. I think it's a well written letter and they need to know how you truly feel.

Thank you! I appreciate your support and those are very encouraging lyrics.

It's great your mom is so there for you. Many people love you. And want to help you.

Thank you for your support and wisdom. I am sorry you are treatment resitant. That sucks! In fact, Bipolar sucks! I am afraid I will end up treatment resistent; although, I currently have an (although extremely over prescribing) agressive pdoc. I am also sorry for the loss of you friend. It is hard to lose anyone you know but is much more difficult to process and move past the loss of someone close. Much like your wife, my husband tries to be there for me but does not understand my illness and therefore often presents as mean and callous. He certainly loves me though and he does show it.

Thank you for your sweet compliments. I am actually considdering inpatient this time but it has to be my pdoc's idea; my husband and mother will never understand if I make the sudden proclamation that I should be hospitalized. They will fight me and they will deny the severity of my illness (or so I think).
On the other hand, my pdoc's suggestion will validate necessity.

I told my mom I wrote a letter to my pdoc that was a little "bleak." She challenged me (more like required) to write a positive letter to my oldest daughter telling her all of the wonderful things about her. Then to write one to my son and youngest daughter. Then my husband and so on and so forth. I whined that it was too hard but she said she didn't care. She said I am never going to get better if I don't do things because they are too hard. So...

I know your mom lOves you and is trying to think of ways to help but writing letters like that to your family when you are in such a bad places sounds a bit triggering to me. Too much like goodbye letters. I like the letter you wrote for the Pdoc it explains the current state of things well. The time since you last saw your friends mother doesn't matter, nor does the rational part of the brain that tells you how bad your passing would be for your family, Sui has a way of triggering the emotional brain for those in a bad place. iP or IOP would be a great place to process the feelings, the emotional response to a death that hits so close to home.
Take care, MM is right you are worth much more than the cost of day care.

((((( cashart10 ))))) ...

I think your letter is very good. It clearly tells the dr how you feel.

Could you just say to him "I think I need to be IP but this needs to sound like it is coming from you?". I know my pdoc would happily help with that and pretty much if you say "I think i Need to be in the hospital" they are going to take it from there anyway. I've done that before with things I couldn't deal with, like Thanksgiving.

It sounds like your mom knows how sick you are and is trying too hard to make it better. That's always hard to deal with. I agree that writing those letters could be a trigger and I don't think it is necessarily a good idea although I know she is coming from a good place.

I really hope you get some relief soon Cash.

No need to ever apologise for your posts

I am sorry that you are still having these intrustive thoughts.

Keep posting here.

We're here to listen

I can relate with your feelings..I have been there myself many times..it sounds like your mom cares deeply and is trying to help any way she can..please hold on..please don't give up..sometimes emotions are so uncontrollable it is almost unbearable..a death can multiply this and time will heal..I will pray for u..

Thank you greatly. I am having trouble with the task my mom has given me. She asked me to write down adjectives that describe my daughter first and then put them into a letter. I don't know where to begin. It feels so generic. It's not that I don't love my daughter it's just so untimely. And yes, it is triggering. I have great difficulty telling my mom no though and she absolutely would take it personally. It is an unfortunate situation. I am thinking IP will be appropriate for my situation. I am going to see what my pdoc has to say.

Thank you! I just need the courage to say that to my pdoc. I hope he just suggests it without me bringing it to his attention. These situations are hard for me.

I think you're right about my mom also. She feels helpless and is looking for every way she can to help me lifts my spirits.

Can you write it down, either in your letter or on an index card or something and just hand it to him? I've not done that with IP but I have with other things, often "Make me talk about ________" and it helps me and my therapist who is the usual recipient to go where I am too afraid to guide us verbally.

I thought your pdoc had said he wouldn't hospitalize you unless you suggested it or am I remembering wrong?

You're right...he won't hospitalize me unless I agree bit he has asked me several times and he would, I think, strongly encourage it. Writing down what I want to talk about and I think it's a great idea I think he'll at least put it on the table after reading the letter though.

Yeah I like the writing it down idea, BTR (Good to keep in mind, thanks)

Cash)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I just get so moved by your situation because we have similar set ups.

I just hate seeing you suffer soon much.

i have never been IP so this may not be worth much but if it were me saying these things on here i would want you to tell me to go to the hospital.

you have been carrying this for so long. fighting for so long. taking care of so much. it seems like it may be good for you to be able to just have someone else take care of you.

your letter is beautiful. You are definitely able to express yourself.

please update.

lots of love.

When is your appointment?

Awwwwww

Monday afternoon. Can I wait until then? I'm not sure. I should have a busy weekend and it's only 2 1/2 days. Plus, Sunday is father's day.

Just please go to the ER if you can't make it. It's hard to be there for special days. I've been there for Halloween the year H1N1 was a huge threat and so the usual child visitation was suspended and I remember a mother or two having a hard time with that. And I've been in for Christmas and that was hard for everyone although honestly it was a little easier b/c I knew I needed to be there so badly. But I know that as hard as Christmas was (I hated throwing everything off schedule and not being with my family) I was in the right place at the right time.

You are able to push yourself to huge limits. I was able to do that too and so I know how hard it can be. Just don't push the rubber band so hard it snaps. It's ok to go to the ER if you need it.

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you Cashart. Big HUGS

Since I just lost a post with a detailed account of our conversation (grrr...), I will have to make this short and sweet. I told my mom that my pdoc may suggest the hospital when I see him on Monday. It was immediately ugly. What was her response? Exasperation and bitterness. She was truly perplexed and intensely angry. She repeatedly asked why I was telling her this and what did I want her to do? She asked why do people go the the hospital anyway? She told me there was no way I could go because she'll be on vacation and there would be no one to help with the kids. She said I seemed better. She made crass after crass comment and asked crass after crass question. Then I started to cry and she said "Oh my God," threw her hands in the air, rolled her eyes and proceeded with "Are you really crying? I am about to leave for vacation and you're going to do this now?" So, I wiped away my tears. We changed subjects to cool down and it was much improved when we revisited the conversattion. I told her I was suddenly so much worse because that woman's suicide so deeply disturbed me. I started crying again and this time she said she was understood. We ended on a much better note but, she was still offended and outraged at my nerve.

I'm sorry that she didn't take the news well.like I said you deserve the help that you need. Please, don't let this affect your conversation with your doctor.she seriously wants to keep her daughter but she doesn't understand why it's so hard for her daughter to want to survive also.