Trigger: Letter to my pdoc/therapist

I'm sorry

I don't think. She doesn't quite understand that when things get this overwhelming is not you in charge it's the illness. That's why a hospital is needed, to help you get back in charge. Maybe if you agree to go to the hospital ask your Pdoc to explain to you mother why this is important.

I also hope it doesn't affect my conversation with my pdoc. My mom has a MAJOR impact on everything I say and do, always has. I hate upsetting her and I especially hate when she is angry with me; thus my crying in her anger last night. I finished our conversation last night with "please don't worry about me while you are on vacation; I won't do anything stupid." She responded matter of factly "well, no." She just has no idea despite my explanations. I feel badly about this too.

How's today going?

I'm so sorry, I understand how that goes. She really doesn't seem to validate how you feel. Some people just don't get it, and unfortunately sometimes it's the people we love most. I hope she gains understanding and can offer support, and that you're having a good weekend.

Thank you. She doesn't understand; you are absolutely right. She keeps telling me that I still am in control of my thoughts and that when something bad comes into mind; I can just think of something else. It makes me feel like, instead of being mentally ill,thar I am doing something wrong...especially pertaining to things like hospitalization.

When I told my mom I was suicidal (because my therapist made me) her reaction was "No, you are NOT suicidal". It was not very helpful and made the 7 previous months of sheer hell prior to this seem invalid. We brought her in to a therapy visit and all that came out of it was how deep her denial is. My therapist said I don't have to involve her anymore in that part of my life.

I think it can be just too much for people who love us to comprehend. And they react forgetting that we have bipolar and aren't thinking the same way they are. In my mother's case it often comes across like she's treating me like a child or totally disregarding how sick I am; she'll do things like assign me household chores to be done that day. If I were well enough to do them I would already have done them.

You are going to have to stay strong and go into that appointment with feeling how cashart feels, not how her mom wants her to feel. It's not about her vacation or her life; it's about you and your need to be somewhere safe to heal and to get your meds working for you. Everything else will work itself out.

This is another reason to write down exactly what you need along with the note you have prepared, then you can't change what you are saying around to reflect what you were told to feel.

I'm sorry that happened. I hope that you can get through this weekend with only support and a feeling of empowerment about your decision.

Thank you for asking sweet heart. It is not going well at all. I had every intention of going out like I mentioned. But, unfortunately, instead, I am still in my pjs and listening to depressing music while my daughter sleeps and my son just runs around me (my oldest daughter went to work with my husband). I talked to my mother in law this morning to see if she could babysit because I actually planned to go out by myself but she couldn't. She asked me if I was doing better but before I could respond in truth, she had a rushed tone about her and insisted on her own that I was fine. So, I just agreed. That way, if I do have to go IP, she will think I am only being dramatic. Joy. I am trying hard not to cry; my eyes hurt and they are so tired.

The thing about my mom is, she is so supportive. She tries so hard to help and does help tremendously and, she does so much for me when I can't do it myself. She does this without being judgemental. She is quite amazing in every area of her and my life, including my illness, for the most part. But, she cannot handle suicidality which I appreciate because she is my mom and she rants and raves in rage when I mention the hospital.

Stick around here today. Take a nap when you can.

I also can hear a woman's voice coming through the radio on my computer. It is short, I can't make out words, and it occurs at random times. It started last night and it has happened through today. I don't know if it is a hallucination or a ghost of sorts but I do know it is only more upsetting to me.

ignore it best you can and go ip Monday

just to let you know I'm here.

Your mom's knee jerk rather hostile denial of the depth of your illness and the possibility of suicide just may be coming from a place where she is scared shitless of losing you. I have found this. Sometimes the people who love us the most can be the most unsupportive....in the way that we really need in that understanding that you need this type of way. She obviously loves you more than anything and is very supportive in the way that she can and wants to support you.

Most important thing here though in terms of shutting out your mom's voice and putting a cover over that part while you are talking to your Pdoc or yourself really about the honest truth of how bad it is right now and going IP....

You are a mother. And our role as a mother becomes before our role as a daughter.

You are a mother first before everything else.

I know you would do anything for one of your babies....including make sure they will always have their mama.

Don't think about your mom in all this. Think about your babies. Take a pic of them t the Pdoc app as well as what you write to remind you why it has to happen.

Hugs friend

My mom is supportive in many ways. I live at a very low rent in a house she owns and she helps me keep up with housework and generally function. She even makes sure I eat meat at least once a week because I can't afford it. But there are things that I cannot talk to her about and will not talk to her about because it scares her too much and she becomes obnoxious and kinda mean.

Your mom is not being mean or obnoxious but she is trying to fix you and as much as that would be nice she can't. That's why you have to talk to the dr. as YOU, not as you listening to your mom (or anyone else who doesn't understand what you are currently going through), and you need to tell them you need to be IP no matter what family thinks. You know this illness, you know the warning signs, you have to trust yourself.

I'm sorry about the voice from the computer. That is scary and as I tell my brain frequently, so unnecessary. It's not like you don't get the point already.

I hope that you are having a better evening. Does it help to have your husband home?

This is true. But, I have a nearly unhealthy (if not actually unhealthy) attachment to my mother. It is seriously irrational. I have to have her opinion on everything (big and small) and take it almost always. Even SHE tells me not to put so much stock into one person. It drives my husband insane. In fact, last night I succombed to her negativity and said "I'm sure I'll just tell him no anyway. It's hardly probable for me to go because of childcare." And it is true that my two youngest won't understand at all and will feel abandoned and my oldest will slightly understand what is happening because I likely won't be able to see her. It will be traumatizing to all three. I'm simply uncertain how things will go. I feel like I'm making too big a deal out of this anyway. It's just the friggin hospital and I will most likely feel the same entering as I do upon exit. I will just have to talk to my doctor and see what he thinks about it.

I'm so sorry if I just came across crass or insensitively. It wasn't about any of you. You know I love all of you. I just feel overwhelmed by something that should be a simple decision and I still feel like hurting myself. I do also rather believe that there is little benefit to the hospital. The last time I went, I felt the same when I left. Thank God I felt strongly about my deterrants. Now? I'm not so sure.

Just because the hospital wasn't helpful before doesn't mean it will be the same this time. Every time I've been there it's been different, even though I've been on the same 10 person unit with nearly exactly the same staff and basically the same schedule. It's been different in how it has helped me each time and how I've felt about it. The people there with you matter and the place you are in matters.

You've been fighting this as long as I've been on here. You did have a better time in there but mostly you've been fighting. You deserve the time and medical expertise to start feeling better and to have your meds straightened out so they are really helping you. Right now they just aren't and you've been through enough. I'm coming out of 6 months of hell and I can tell you that I so wish I had gone to the hospital a while ago. I waited that entire month for Latuda that I wasn't getting at all and I wish I hadn't done that. If I could go back in time I would have shown up at a therapy appointment ready to be admitted about 6 weeks ago when I had all but decided to do it and then gave up on it. I shouldn't have tried to wait out time for a med I didn't even know if I could get. Given that I started feeling better almost immediately with the new drug (depressed but better because I'm no longer agitated) I should have gone to the hospital and started a new AP long ago.

I made bad decisions. I hope that you don't make the same one.

cash - I don't think you have to worry about your kids being traumatized if you go IP. I was inpatient five days in january, and the only thing I got while in there regarding my daughter was her being pissed I was gone and demanding to know where mommy was. Lol. I heard her over the phone while I was calling my husband. WHERE'S MOMMY!! And then when I got out she told me I was scary, or she might have meant I was scared.

She's really sensitive to my emotions and knew something was not right with me before I was committed.

And now she can tell I'm depressed and gets so upset when I cry and hugs me and tells me she loves me about five times a day and is glued to my side.

Anyway, if you go IP, don't worry. Your kids want you better I'm sure.

I tell my son "mom needs her medication changed". You are not abandoning them you are giving them back a healthy, happy mom they deserve the fastest way possible. Please get the help you ( and your family) deserve. If pdoc says " no" go through the ER.