Numb and too used to it

I feel numb and emotionless (except irritable sometimes) and I can't explain to my therapist well enough and I just hate it. I feel like I've been in an episode so long that I forget what feeling good feels like and I've gotten used to depression. It's just been so long.

This week is going to be hard with something in my family and I am afraid that I'm going to start feeling things that will hurt and I don't know if I can cope with that.

I just don't like how I feel. I was worse a few months ago when I came off meds and was IP. But I still don't even feel human anymore. I just seem to exist and do what is expected of me or what someone puts in front of me to do. It's been so long I forget what I really am like.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending warm wishes your way.

Good luck with the family thing. I don't have a clue to its nature of course, but whatever it is, at least there's one possibly helpful aspect... You know ahead of time. Better than being blindsided (yeah?). It gives you time to prepare yourself mentally and work on practicing your coping skills.

Numb sucks. I, too, know it well. For me, it's Brain's way of trying to cope with overwhelm. It's the only way I can manage to function day to day. (I know you've gone through a lot, fine tuning on the med front, so I'll skip that common answer). So do you think overwhelm might be a factor?

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.

My brother is being sentenced for something fairly ugly tomorrow. It's a plea bargain so I know some of what will happen but not all. it's also just a very difficult thing because what he did hits too close to home for me. That's my tough family thing. I have had probably too long to think about it and definitely the blindsiding part has come and gone (twice, once when it happened and once when it was pled to probation) but the details will be hard. What he did changes my life and I'm pretty angry about that.

Numbness for me is usually just too much depression, sometimes combined with overwhelmed. Numb is where I tend to go when it is too bad for me to manage with coping strategies. This time it feels like it's been forever. I think I've probably pushed this upon myself in my efforts to delay going on clozaril until it is more convenient/less disruptive to my family that is already going through so much/completely certain no samples of any other med are going to turn up/etc. I've known since mid-October that I nearly certainly was going to need clozaril but am not going to start tapering Seroquel until close to Jan. 1. The only way to cope with that and the fear I have of clozaril is to just shut down. And conveniently that helps with the rest of it too. Except that it will backfire at some point.

Hopefully my therapist can help tomorrow.

How did things go with your therapist? I've been thinking a lot about you as my father is in the middle of a court case for something he did. I agree it changes your life. My therapist said it's like grieving for the person you thought they were and accepting their mistake. It's so hard though! I felt my world kind of shatter when I found out about it a few months ago. Hoping you are doing ok in the midst of this hard time.

My therapist visit was very hard again. He is really pushing at me hard and I cried all the way through today. He says that I'm struggling with seeing my brother and it upsets me and makes me feel worse but I ignore him telling me not to do it. And he was very clear that it's not good, that I need to quit trying to make things all ok with my family when I can't do that, etc. So I guess I'm probably going to skip out on Christmas with my brother. I hate making my mom do it herself but he's right, it's not good for me right now and after the sentencing today I'm more upset and need more time. I had written my brother a letter about how angry I am and he read it to me and it was hard then to deny that yes, I have some very strong emotions I am fighting with right now. And honestly my mom at this point is going against what she has been saying she'd do and is fixing things for my brother that make it so that he doesn't feel the pain of some of his sentence. Which I both understand and am resentful of. I think I just need some time to cope with it all and right now is not it.

I'm sorry you are going through kind of thing too. It's very hard. This lasted 20 months for us so part of the emotional stuff now is that it actually has an ending. There's still a lot that will happen and we don't yet know the terms of probation yet but at least one part of it is over.

It's a very confusing thing to go through. I have so many mixed emotions that I don't know where to start sorting them. Tonight I am trying to take a break from it since I cried so much in therapy that my eyes are sore. I don't really want to cry more, although I have a few times. I am trying to just hang out and rest tonight. No Christmas sewing, no thinking, just resting.

I agree with your therapist. In my case the grieving part was done mostly a long time ago. I left the anger to deal with when he was presumably sentenced to jail and then that didn't happen so now I'm dealing with that as a whole different thing.

I wish I could see my therapist tomorrow or something. I have a big question for him and while it will hold until Monday I wish I'd thought to ask it today. Plus I think I need reassurance that it's ok. He gave me that at the end but even when he tells me he's not mad when he pushes like that it feels like he is mad. I know he is really pushing hard to break through my numb barrier, and he did, and I know and understand why, but it's hard when we have sessions like that one. He's right and that is hard; I just have no more arguments left. He's right. It just hurts a lot to admit it.

Anyway, court day was rough but it might have been easier if my therapist and I didn't have bad timing on this encounter. Still hard, yesterday anticipating it was hard, but maybe not quite this hard.

I'm sorry you are going through this
It sounds really confusing as family matters ofter are
On one hand he is your brother on the other hand you have the right to boundaries and self care
Deep inside you will be the answer when you realize we have to put our mental health first sometimes and can take a stand against feeling victimized
Wishing you well!

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe if you told your pdoc exactly what you wrote in the first paragraph of this post, that would help your therapist understand. To me it's a very clear statement of your problem.

He knows. He's trying to get me to make decisions that will be less stressful/painful to get through the next few weeks (this is always a hard time of year for me). They are just hard decisions to make. But he also pushed so hard that I'm not feeling as numb. Very sad and extremely tired but not so numb. After talking to him yesterday I'm not sure that there is a way to get through the next few weeks without feeling sad and depressed and probably numbness isn't the way to avoid it (since I'll just feel it later). This is just not going to be easy. I think I was hoping if I could get the numb to go away it would feel better. It's not that easy.

Hey Rainbow, how are you doing?

Ok, thanks for asking. This has been quite a week; on top of my brother my niece had to have eye surgery and so I've been doing a lot of babysitting (plus there's anxiety with the eye situation). But I'm still ok. I even am questioning if the little bit of lithium I'm taking might be helping me a little although I think I'm just feeling more anxious and that adds a little energy. The depression symptoms are all still there. It's hard because I'm not sure my therapist realizes how bad it is; I'm better than I was 6 weeks ago in that I can talk and tell him things and have handled a few really hard sessions. But next time we need to talk a little about what he doesn't see and see if I can figure out where I am. I know he thinks I'm better than my pdoc does but my pdoc has access to specifics about self-care that he doesn't.

I don't know. I've cried a few times so I guess I'm less numb and I want to be better in even a tiny way to see if I can avoid clozaril but I don't know how to trust that I'm not making myself better so that I can avoid it. I more don't want to come off of Seroquel and probably klonopin to go on the clozaril than I am bothered by the clozaril itself. I am hoping my pdoc will decide for me somehow. I just don't know. I can exist like this. I am not as bad as I was a while ago but I don't think I'm all that much better either. It's confusing.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I hope you can iron things out with your therapist and get your meds fixed. I know coming of Seroquel was really tough on my body but I was glad to be off of it because of the weight gain. There's always a toss up with side effects. Anyway, take good care of yourself! And hope all goes well with your niece