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Wildflower I can feel the hurt through the letters on my screen. I'm so so sorry you are feeling this way. Reach out to someone close to you. Your son loves you.

Dear wildflower, we don't know each other but have kept up with your post.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband. Can not imagine your situation.

Based on your last post tonight do you think you should reconsider taking a couple weeks off from work. Might be a good time to get meds straightened out. Call the pnurse Monday morn & be honest about how you feel & what you've done.

Am glad you've gotten this off your chest. There is much to be said about honesty. Please keep posting, we want to know you are safe.

Try and take care of yourself.

Man I am sorry for this post last night. I shouldn't have drank. which I knew but I did anyway. I feel so ashamed of what I did. I feel so weak. But thanks for your support everyone. I need it right now.

I'm feeling depressed still this morning but more just embarrassed and ashamed. I'm going to try to fight my brain today. I've just been letting it do whatever it wants. Maybe if I find energy to fight back this won't be as bad.

My mom is taking my son to my grandparents' house. I don't know if I should go. I don't know if it will be good to be by myself but I don't know if I can fake being ok for that long. I could stay home and go shopping for new shoes for Chris and maybe get my hair cut. Do something nice for myself. I don't know. That means I have to shower. Which I should do; a nice hot shower will probably help too.

I am sorry again.

*hugs* you don't need to apologize for your post last night. It's good to let it all out.

It might be good to go spent time with mom, or get out and get that haircut. Take that shower. Those sound like better options than sitting around by yourself feeling crummy all day.

I'm feeling completely jazzed yet entirely suicidal. I think I might be mixed today. I want to run around the block and then in front of a car. This is impossible. I haven't been mixed since I started Invega. No no no please no.

But it's not as bad as usual...I will be ok. I will. I just have to wait for this to pass. It will pass. It will.

I just wish my husband were here to take care of me. It's so hard doing it on my own. I have my mom and she's great but it's not the same.

Ok here's my game plan. I took a shower so that's good. To calm down I will watch a movie, pitch perfect 2, a comedy. When my mom takes my son I will go get my hair cut. The. I will go to the store to buy new shoes. By then my mom will probably be on her way home. Today sometime I will tell my mom what's going on so she can keep an eye on me. And I will breathe. And I will use my coloring book if I need to. I will not hurt myself. I will hold on till Tuesday when I see my pnurse. If she recommends taking time off...I dunno. I might. We'll see. Just the thought of going to work tomorrow is causing my heart to pound. But it should be ok. Maybe the kids won't be that bad. I have to think positive.

I'm going to pull out all my coping skills to get through this. I am strong. I can do this.

(Written before seeing latest, so refers to earlier stuff, but that's ok.)

No need to apologize! It is rough. There are better times and worse times. It's not a straight line. Detours, setbacks, various sized victories... It's all part of the journey.

Try not to be so hard on yourself,ok? This is hard enough without adding the extra burdens of shame and self-reproach onto yourself. Easier said than done, to be gentle with yourself, but worthwhile to remember. We tend to be our own harshest critics. If it were happening to someone else, you'd have empathy, not judgement, right? You deserve no less for yourself.

No judgement what.so.ever here. Truly. Even when you don't feel it --especially when you don't feel it-- remember that I think you are amazingly strong. Wobbles aren't weakness. They are human. It may seem strange to say, but they actually reassuring. They are real. If someone claimed to have only positive forward movement, I'd think they were full of it. It certainly wouldn't be relateable. Your honesty through the ups and downs of this make it real. Relateable in it's humanness.

Lots of

Please, please don't be ashamed. You have nothing to be sorry or embarrassed about in writing what is happening in your life. Your honesty is humbling.

If I made you feel worse in any way I am so sorry.

All my love.

I'm hoping things work out for you.

You know, if you don't like psychiatric care you're getting, there's nothing wrong with looking around for new doctors. I fired my last pdoc because he was an idiot. He got me addicted to Xanax without warning and when I complained about anxiety (which was really interdose withdrawal) he upped the Xanax dosage.

I like my new pdoc. He listens.
Just a thought. ((Hugs))

That sounds like a good plan. You can do this. You are strong! Do something nice for yourself. Maybe get some chocolates, lol. Or something else you enjoy. You CAN do this!

I did get my hair cut and I managed to make it to target to buy new shoes. So at least my son has shoes without holes.

I'm in a bad place because I cannot stop obsessing about how bad I feel. I felt better when I watched my movie but I also can't concentrate for very long. All I can think about is sing me to sleep and how awful I feel. I don't know how to stop it. This always happens before I get hospitalized. I just obsess over how bad everything is.

And then part of me always says how I must be just making it all up for attention and that if I really wanted to I could pull myself out of it. I need to break this pattern! I'm considering doing the IOP again if it will keep me out of the hospital. Maybe a couple of weeks off work in partial while I wait to start emsam (assuming my pnurse even lets me). I don't really want to do that because it seems like a waste of time but I've got to do something. I don't really want to die. Really. The bad part of my brain says shoot yourself but I look at my son and I think I HAVE to live to see him grow up. He needs his mommy. But mommy can't live like this, this half life, this cursed life.

I have to focus on getting through tomorrow. I made it through today alive. I even fed myself. Terrible food but still. I just have to drive carefully to work tomorrow. Somehow make it through all my classes.

I've considered quitting teaching at the end of the year and becoming a classroom aide instead. The best job I had was being a one to one aide to a developmentally disabled girl. She was so sweet. It was so nice to be helping yet not have to worry about lesson plans and paperwork and stuff. Of course this was before symptoms resurfaced. the company I worked for wasn't very good but there are school districts out there that pay for days off and stuff.

It's just a thought. Always a thought I get when I'm like this.

I'm going to bed soon. Maybe I'll watch some more comedy. Distract myself a little.

Thinking about you......

Received a call from my pnurse's office - apparently they did switch me to the other pnurse. Without telling me. Thankfully my original pnurse is going to still see me tomorrow because I'm having such a hard time but that's really annoying. At least let me know you're switching me. And now I'm worried she's not going to do anything because she's now not my pnurse. Wtf.

I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't help me. I might have to go inpatient. I can't handle this much longer. I really saw myself driving off the road today. Just wrenching my wheel to the left and flipping my car. But I thought it might flip into oncoming traffic and I'm not trying to hurt anyone else.

I just need to see an end in sight.

I'm sorry they changed your pnurse like that. It seems like they should have a policy against doing exactly what they did because the whole point is for you to feel comfortable with the person treating you. I hope that she listens, helps, and possibly even finds a way to maintain consistency for you for a while.

I'm glad you are considering IOP/IP. I know you don't want to but when you are saying you don't want to do anything that could hurt others, leaving would do that too. Getting things fixed up psychiatrically (my new word) would be the best thing you can do for yourself and your son. I know accepting that has been really hard and I hope that a good solution that you are comfortable with is offered.

Thinking about you

Finally talked to my mom and let her know how I'm feeling tonight. She was very supportive. The only thing she thinks though is that all the drugs are messing me up more. She's actually advocating ECT again because it worked so well before. But I really want to try medication first. I know it's a long shot but Like I said ECT is not a long term solution. It only worked for less than a year and I still had depressions in that year. Of course it's impossible to know how much is bipolar and how much is trauma.

I keep seeing my husband lying on the kitchen floor, and picturing the exact moment I knew he was gone - when I ran to my room to call 911 and saw it was 4:17am and knew he had probably been there for hours already. It's really awful. And when I am functioning I can process it in therapy but I can't process grief and fight depression too. It's too much.

I'm just rambling...I'm very lonely tonight. Even though my mother was supportive she was also very upset. She kind of did what she always does and ran upstairs to be alone, when I really needed her downstairs with me so I could have someone to talk to. But I left her alone. I know she can't process when I'm in pain. She's too empathetic. She takes on everyone's pain as her own. I used to be like that but I had to shut it off. It was too overwhelming.

I'm listening to asleep and bright eyes on repeat which may not be the best but whatever. I actually felt better this evening because I played jenga with my son and he had such a good time. I wish I felt better so I could play with him more. I love seeing that joy on his face. It makes life worth living.

I do have a good life. It would be better if my husband were here but it's still pretty good. That's why I'm so desperate to feel better. I do have a good life that I want to take part in. I don't want to waste it laying on the couch in pain.

Sigh...one day. One day this will change.

There isn't just grief and depression in that story, there is also trauma. How scary that must have been for you. Trauma is an evil thing that pops up whenever you least want it to. Combined with grief and bipolar that's a big load to bear.

I'm glad you talked to your mom. I think that if you want to try meds before ECT that is understandable and may not even delay ECT too long; if you try meds and they don't work and you decide you are ready for ECT it won't take long to get started unless your hospital is my hospital .

I hope the appointment goes well tomorrow and gives you something that you feel good about.

Sitting in my pnurse's office getting more anxious as the minutes tick by. I am her first client of the day and yet she's already made me wait twenty minutes. No one else is here so wtf is she doing??? Ugh I just want to get this over with. I need her to help me. I can't live like this. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I forced myself to eat a bagel. This is so annoying!! I'm already agitated though so that doesn't help.

Edit: OMG she wasn't even here! She just walked in. Why make an appt for 9am when you're not even going to be here until 9:30??? So aggravating!