[xxblackrosesxx]

There are some days where I think that I don't really have bipolar and that I must be trivialising my mood swings. Do you ever get that thought? Sometimes I think my mental health team are very wrong but every time I somehow show doubt they say I really need to take my medication and if I stop them I'll get really ill. A lot of the time I really don't want to take my medication anymore. It feels really pointless and stupid. I feel fine. They think I am heading into mania but I am just doubting everything they say to me. It's not true. It is not the truth. It still embarrasses me to even mention to my new boss that I have been diagnosed with bipolar. I wish to have no label but I have the label for life now.

My mother thinks I am out of my mind and need to go into hospital. She said she will phone the mental health team as a threat. I told her she wouldn't and I was right. But I'll be seeing them on the 25th. Sometimes I wish I was never involved with this mental health team. I just wonder what my life would of been like without them. No medication no nothing.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks like this?

[Moogieotter]

Hey roses,

I am glad you are back at PC. Sorry you are struggling. Even after lots of clear evidence, I can still daydream and tinker with the idea that I am not really bipolar. I can look back at my clear manic episodes and try and rationalize them as just lack of sleep or high stress or something and not really caused by bipolar.

I usually catch myself pretty quickly and go back into acceptance mode. The stakes are high for me with my sons and family depending on me. I am stable and doing well, so I cannot risk entertaining these thoughts. I am also old and had my butt kicked by bipolar too many times to really believe that I don't have it.

Hang in there and keep posting.

moogs

[jacky8807]

All the time.
All the damn time lol

I just try not to obsess over the illness. It's something I have but I don't walk around like it's my identity. Try to focus on your other passions because there is so much more to life than living with bipolar
Good luck !

[DesigningWoman]

Sometimes I feel like a freak in bp community. I like taking my meds. I mean they can be a pain in the *** to remember 3 times a day at set intervals. I have alarms on my iPhone at all times. However I don't want to have the symptoms of bipolar, mania or depression. If meds can help those or even halt them, heck yeah I'll take them. I would take more and even more frequently, if my psych dr thought they would help.
Perhaps I am a fearful person. Stories I hear in the psych hospital scare me, arrests, exposure to danger with high risk activities, losing friends and family, etc.
yes, shopping was my self-medication. I loved it. But now I look at my credit card bill that I have to pay off and book myself another therapy appointment. I don't ever want to be so reckless again.
I have been on psych meds for 17 years. I freely acknowledge I will most likely take them the rest of my life. I am ok with that.
I want to be sane, safe, and stable. I don't want to have to deal with fall out of mania or the crush of the depression.
As I said, though, I seem to be an oddity in the bp.

[DesigningWoman]

I did wonder why you told your new boss your diagnosis. Legally in the USA, they can not ask for any of your medical info. You can not be compelled to reveal to provide information on any medical condition. For instance when I need time to go to the psych dr, I write my request as simply "physician". Even the speciality can not be required due to discrimination protection of employees. This really came in force during the AIDS crisis in the 1980's, but those labor laws cover you too. I debated telling my boss about my psych hospitalization in December. I could only see negatives to it. The stigma of BP is too great for me to risk a bad reaction. Basically she can't discriminate what she doesn't know about.
It's your decision. But please know that you can decided to reveal or not reveal and how much in any employment situation.

[LorrieTorrie]

I have thrown out my medication so many times because I thought I was fine. I'm feeling pretty good now on these new meds, but I'm hoping that if I start to feel like that again, I can remind myself of all the harm I've caused my friends and family and keep taking the meds.

[raspberrytorte]

Yeah. Mostly because I don't have euphoric manias. At least not in a long time. And I haven't had an actual episode of depression in three (four?) years. And for the other stuff who doesn't get paranoid or see weird **** once in awhile or have strange beliefs?

[jacky8807]

Originally Posted by DesigningWoman

Sometimes I feel like a freak in bp community. I like taking my meds. I mean they can be a pain in the *** to remember 3 times a day at set intervals. I have alarms on my iPhone at all times. However I don't want to have the symptoms of bipolar, mania or depression. If meds can help those or even halt them, heck yeah I'll take them. I would take more and even more frequently, if my psych dr thought they would help.
Perhaps I am a fearful person. Stories I hear in the psych hospital scare me, arrests, exposure to danger with high risk activities, losing friends and family, etc.
yes, shopping was my self-medication. I loved it. But now I look at my credit card bill that I have to pay off and book myself another therapy appointment. I don't ever want to be so reckless again.
I have been on psych meds for 17 years. I freely acknowledge I will most likely take them the rest of my life. I am ok with that.
I want to be sane, safe, and stable. I don't want to have to deal with fall out of mania or the crush of the depression.
As I said, though, I seem to be an oddity in the bp.

Well I think what happens is many times bp ppl feel better or start to go euphoric hypo and really think they are OK and don't need the meds. Has happened to me

[Slowbrains]

When I got meds that actually were working for me, the first thing i thought was that my diagnosis is wrong. That's maybe why so many BP people keep relapsing and quitting meds. Still i think sometimes that what if i'd just live healthy, sleep well and stay away from alcohol and be just fine without meds. Not gonna happen.

[cashart10]

Going back to my early 20's, I became very well (afer a long stretch of terrible, long sickness) and decided either I had never really had bipolar or God had healed me from it. Fast forward about 8 years (yes, I was stable minus some mild episodes that I reconized only in hindsight, for that long) to my psychotic break. For a couple of years after my psychotic break, I was too terrified (still am, actually, for the most part) to claim I did not have bipolar disorder. However, every time I start getting better, I start believing I don't really have it. That is bizarre considdering I have believed people could read my mind, believed and responded to the VOICE of God, and believed I was going to give birth to a prophet of sorts, to name a few things. But, especially when I'm manic, I can somehow convince myself that these things are true and that I am in fact chosen by God. When I have taken my medicine sporadically (which I have done rather than stopping entirely), the results have been detrimental.

[Pastel Kitten]

Honestly, now that I've been feeling stable, I do sometimes think that it was all a huge exaggeration and that I shouldn't even be on these meds. I often find it so ridiculous to take them. However..hypomania still shines through every now and then. It feels great (other than irritability), but then it wrecks my sleep even though I go to bed at regular times now, and I am reminded of how important it is to keep taking my meds or my hypomania would surely be followed by that all too familiar crippling depression.

[BipolaRNurse]

I haven't had a manic episode since October 2013, but have had several depressive episodes so I find myself questioning my diagnosis every so often. But there's no denying the experience of mania, I know exactly how it feels (to me anyway) and the things I do when I'm in that state are very strange. I'm not so much in denial anymore.

[wiretwister]

just depressed , or bp , or both , or neither , doesn't matter ... laying down all day crying , pacing all day , mad "pissed" off all day , screaming at the tv and the wife , aiming for trucks on the road , mind racing at 1000 miles a second .... lets see ... yes I need help ... am I bp , IDK ,... do the meds help ... YES ... thats my answer ...

I feel this way at the moment. UGH

[wildflowerchild25]

I used to. Until I had a psychotic break I thought I was just being dramatic. Now even with the absence of psychosis and mania I still have depression that comes and goes. Every time I think I might not have it I just remember being trapped in the bathroom at group because I thought the other members were reading my mind. Then I remember it's very real.

[~Christina]

No I don't have any denial ... I have Bipolar. It is what it is and it explained most of my life, ( Late diagnosis age 43)

Am I thrilled I have Bipolar? Ahhh Nope .. But there are many worse things I could have to deal with.

[jacky8807]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I used to. Until I had a psychotic break I thought I was just being dramatic. Now even with the absence of psychosis and mania I still have depression that comes and goes. Every time I think I might not have it I just remember being trapped in the bathroom at group because I thought the other members were reading my mind. Then I remember it's very real.

See I have even tried explaining my psychotic break away. It was a bad one but I have still told myself it was stress overload and my brain blew up lol
But I did find a journal thy gavve us at the hospital from about a year ago. My scrawling manic notes reminded me it wasn't a dream. Sometimes it just seems like when an episode is over and I don't feel that way anymore , its like it never happened

[DesigningWoman]

Christine

I was late diagnosed too, 36. I thought I had dodged the bipolar bullet. But no.

Still as awful as bipolar can be there are worse diagnoses to me. I am terrified of ALS, bone cancer, and Huntington's disease.

For some times in my life, I thought I might be going insane with no idea what might really be wrong with me.

Bipolar has a name and I can learn about it and fight.

Originally Posted by jacky8807

See I have even tried explaining my psychotic break away. It was a bad one but I have still told myself it was stress overload and my brain blew up lol
But I did find a journal thy gavve us at the hospital from about a year ago. My scrawling manic notes reminded me it wasn't a dream. Sometimes it just seems like when an episode is over and I don't feel that way anymore , its like it never happened

Like Jacky said, when the episode is over, and you are stable, it is easy to forget. It is weird that way.

[Nammu]

Denial is my roommate right now. I'm going round and round do I need to take meds, maybe it's just a lie...

[Imah]

Originally Posted by xxblackrosesxx

There are some days where I think that I don't really have bipolar and that I must be trivialising my mood swings. Do you ever get that thought? Sometimes I think my mental health team are very wrong but every time I somehow show doubt they say I really need to take my medication and if I stop them I'll get really ill. A lot of the time I really don't want to take my medication anymore. It feels really pointless and stupid. I feel fine. They think I am heading into mania but I am just doubting everything they say to me. It's not true. It is not the truth. It still embarrasses me to even mention to my new boss that I have been diagnosed with bipolar. I wish to have no label but I have the label for life now.

My mother thinks I am out of my mind and need to go into hospital. She said she will phone the mental health team as a threat. I told her she wouldn't and I was right. But I'll be seeing them on the 25th. Sometimes I wish I was never involved with this mental health team. I just wonder what my life would of been like without them. No medication no nothing.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks like this?

----------------------------
You are not me, and probably would have made better choices. But I denied my diagnosis as a teen in the late 70's early 80's.

Like 17 car fender benders, 11 moves in 4 years a total of 16 as an adult, over 20 jobs in the last 35 years, 3 husbands, 2 unfinished college attempts, 2 children that had to go thru a lot of crazy times, (skip out day, shakes at 2am on a school night, fury for no reason, hide in my room for a day) unstable parenting, psychic (I could write a book or my own religion on psychic shtuff) , run naked through the street, drive cars past 120mph, cross the country many times just cause, moving to entire new states on a whim, get in random situations for not thinking and nearly get killed two or three times, get raped, get fired for staying with a butterfly as it dies because its an equal, fired for calling in too much multiple times, fired for unprofessional behavior, stalked (friends with the wrong kind of people can meet some wackos) promiscuity, more pets then I can remember, taking too many days off at every job, (excuses include parents dying many times, parents stroke, brother dying car accident, glaucoma tests, cancer tests, grandparents dying, sister needs me for dangerous ex husband), - keep in mind these are all lies and don't include the thousand times I had every illness possible) drugs, alcohol, cigarette and food addictions, suicide attempt, bulimia, 5 different religions still couldn't pin me down, agoraphobia, repeatedly going back to get diagnosed with the same thing, then I would deny it again. Self Blame, Self expectation, Self Denial.

Fast forward to current. Well, after being fired 1 last time for screaming and crying and my Dr and the unemployment office telling me I must seek mental health assistance before I go looking for another job - got behind on everything, my car was repossessed, ended up on assistance, credit rating in the 300's.

Do I wish I had respected my illness decades ago - yes. Or should I say - YESSIRREEBOBJOYCEROCKAFELLER-! For me, it has been a waste of a life. Thank goodness my low point - and the years of struggle after it, brought me to where I am now. On SSI, fairly stable, loved by someone - actually loved for perhaps the first time ever. Respected and safe - still no car, I miss it. I finally regained being in charge of my own money just last month.

Now, life is good. I hope it stays this way. With bipolar, you never know. But because I am committed to my medication, to my mental health team, and to my mental health wellness, I can hope.

I took the time to share with you this glimpse - and yes, even with all this information I shared, this is merely a glimpse into how unguided mania and depression can effect your choices. Without even knowing they are affecting you.

Your lucky.

Edit addition: Maybe I was too up front. Maybe your just a bit bored (early mania for me) and feeling like "what could be so wrong with staying off meds". My honest answer is, "I don't know", maybe you will be just fine. Your not me. Maybe my experiences are unique - maybe they weren't because I am bipolar - I feel normal to me. Because bipolar (especially mania) is my normal. I just know people told me all my life I was unique, weird, different. I still catch myself doing random things, even with the meds. If not for my husband, I would still be doing **** like - trying to book an apartment in Puerto Rico (decided to move there last winter mania). But, he keeps me knowing where the white lines are on my imaginary road. And since I like him, I want this life to be stable. A stable life is a foreign dream to me. A younger me hated the idea of stability - where is the poetry in stability, the romance, the adventure? But the truth is, adventure doesn't have to be impulsive and dangerous. Discover what you really like, and build your life around choices. I like to say - Life was the river, and I was the leaf. With meds, maybe I can be more like the river - carving a path of my choice, rather then the leaf headed out of control.

Edit 2: Keep in mind, the choices I made seemed to make sense to me at the time.

[xxblackrosesxx]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

All the time.
All the damn time lol

I just try not to obsess over the illness. It's something I have but I don't walk around like it's my identity. Try to focus on your other passions because there is so much more to life than living with bipolar
Good luck !

yeah that is very true and i have a lot of passions such as being a carer and i enjoy my job. i love drawing and listening to music too.

[xxblackrosesxx]

Originally Posted by Slowbrains

When I got meds that actually were working for me, the first thing i thought was that my diagnosis is wrong. That's maybe why so many BP people keep relapsing and quitting meds. Still i think sometimes that what if i'd just live healthy, sleep well and stay away from alcohol and be just fine without meds. Not gonna happen.

yeah i've had a pretty clean month without alcohol. which is great. been exercising aswell and trying to eat healthly. but my intrusive thoughts wont stop telling me to quit my meds

[xxblackrosesxx]

Originally Posted by Imah

----------------------------
You are not me, and probably would have made better choices. But I denied my diagnosis as a teen in the late 70's early 80's.

Like 17 car fender benders, 11 moves in 4 years a total of 16 as an adult, over 20 jobs in the last 35 years, 3 husbands, 2 unfinished college attempts, 2 children that had to go thru a lot of crazy times, (skip out day, shakes at 2am on a school night, fury for no reason, hide in my room for a day) unstable parenting, psychic (I could write a book or my own religion on psychic shtuff) , run naked through the street, drive cars past 120mph, cross the country many times just cause, moving to entire new states on a whim, get in random situations for not thinking and nearly get killed two or three times, get raped, get fired for staying with a butterfly as it dies because its an equal, fired for calling in too much multiple times, fired for unprofessional behavior, stalked (friends with the wrong kind of people can meet some wackos) promiscuity, more pets then I can remember, taking too many days off at every job, (excuses include parents dying many times, parents stroke, brother dying car accident, glaucoma tests, cancer tests, grandparents dying, sister needs me for dangerous ex husband), - keep in mind these are all lies and don't include the thousand times I had every illness possible) drugs, alcohol, cigarette and food addictions, suicide attempt, bulimia, 5 different religions still couldn't pin me down, agoraphobia, repeatedly going back to get diagnosed with the same thing, then I would deny it again. Self Blame, Self expectation, Self Denial.

Fast forward to current. Well, after being fired 1 last time for screaming and crying and my Dr and the unemployment office telling me I must seek mental health assistance before I go looking for another job - got behind on everything, my car was repossessed, ended up on assistance, credit rating in the 300's.

Do I wish I had respected my illness decades ago - yes. Or should I say - YESSIRREEBOBJOYCEROCKAFELLER-! For me, it has been a waste of a life. Thank goodness my low point - and the years of struggle after it, brought me to where I am now. On SSI, fairly stable, loved by someone - actually loved for perhaps the first time ever. Respected and safe - still no car, I miss it. I finally regained being in charge of my own money just last month.

Now, life is good. I hope it stays this way. With bipolar, you never know. But because I am committed to my medication, to my mental health team, and to my mental health wellness, I can hope.

I took the time to share with you this glimpse - and yes, even with all this information I shared, this is merely a glimpse into how unguided mania and depression can effect your choices. Without even knowing they are affecting you.

Your lucky.

Edit addition: Maybe I was too up front. Maybe your just a bit bored (early mania for me) and feeling like "what could be so wrong with staying off meds". My honest answer is, "I don't know", maybe you will be just fine. Your not me. Maybe my experiences are unique - maybe they weren't because I am bipolar - I feel normal to me. Because bipolar (especially mania) is my normal. I just know people told me all my life I was unique, weird, different. I still catch myself doing random things, even with the meds. If not for my husband, I would still be doing **** like - trying to book an apartment in Puerto Rico (decided to move there last winter mania). But, he keeps me knowing where the white lines are on my imaginary road. And since I like him, I want this life to be stable. A stable life is a foreign dream to me. A younger me hated the idea of stability - where is the poetry in stability, the romance, the adventure? But the truth is, adventure doesn't have to be impulsive and dangerous. Discover what you really like, and build your life around choices. I like to say - Life was the river, and I was the leaf. With meds, maybe I can be more like the river - carving a path of my choice, rather then the leaf headed out of control.

Edit 2: Keep in mind, the choices I made seemed to make sense to me at the time.

I'm still very young which is another reason why I question the diagnose because when you are young ans going through puberty you are likely to be a bit moody.
But I am 22 now and my mood swings have worsen but I just keep denying. Denying denying. Even though I have done things in the past that has caused consenqunces such as last year I had a friend who had connections with a multi millionaire. So I met up with this 44 and I just begged for drugs. Had booze in me, had coke and weed at his massive aparement. The same here I got my nipples pierced and decided it would be a good idea to take a naked photo and send it to people who are on this site which includes a taken man. I almost all my money on clothes and in hospital I gave a lot of my clothes away.

Back in september I almost went into a coma from alcohol and I was so depressed for months. I would hit myself to try and feel something and hide into my room for days. I even ran away from home to be with a friend for a week.

Throughout my teenage years I self harmed and had outburts of anger. Almost been kicked out of college because I was so depressed I was late to classes in the morning. No one would talk to me or anything. I felt so alone for 3 years.

But these two are tiny glimspes of what I've done.

[xxblackrosesxx]

Originally Posted by DesigningWoman

I did wonder why you told your new boss your diagnosis. Legally in the USA, they can not ask for any of your medical info. You can not be compelled to reveal to provide information on any medical condition. For instance when I need time to go to the psych dr, I write my request as simply "physician". Even the speciality can not be required due to discrimination protection of employees. This really came in force during the AIDS crisis in the 1980's, but those labor laws cover you too. I debated telling my boss about my psych hospitalization in December. I could only see negatives to it. The stigma of BP is too great for me to risk a bad reaction. Basically she can't discriminate what she doesn't know about.
It's your decision. But please know that you can decided to reveal or not reveal and how much in any employment situation.

the reason why i told my boss is because i had to fill in a medical form and so i couldn't lie. my boss is completely fine with it. she took it better than my other boss many years ago. but i had a different diagnoses of depression back then and she said i could of harmed someone and ****. i was glad to be fired from that place anyway as i was depressed for like 6 months there. horrible horrible place. i am enjoying my new job now and everyone is understanding.