Mixed episodes... I want to understand

I was diagnosed with bipolar 18 months ago. I had a major issue with meds nearly a year ago and since then have been med free. It's been hard since then but I've managed despite highs and lows. Problems is for last few weeks I've get awful. I mean awful is an understatement. This thing is crippling me. Anxious, agitated, racing thoughts, depressed suicidual thoughts, talkative, desperate to drink to stop, lack of sleep, nightmares when I do sleep, absolute rage. I've never experienced such a mishmash if emotions. I hate it. I spoke to psych today and she believes I'm having a mixed episode. I've never heard of them and I don't understand them. I've tried searching online but there's so little actual information about them. I need to understand it, I have to understand it. I can't not understand it. Why am I feeling like this, how is it even possible to feel so much different stuff? I feel overwhelmed... Psych is starting me on meds again tomorrow but I know it's going to take time. What do I do in the mean time, I can't keep feeing like this. I can't. My mind is going so fast. I'm aware of everything, this isn't like when I'm manic, this is different. I don't get it. Help. Please

Its very difficult to know exactly what you are experiencing but it
does sound like mixed episodes.
I do experience them also and I know its no fun to go through it.
I wish I knew how to help. If it is really bad maybe you should
consider the hospital for your own safety.

This is the bad kind of mania, not fun anymore. I know the rage, my mind won't ****ing stop when like this. This is why I'm on depakote & seroquel now. Took 10 days for depakote to work, seroquel works faster. I'm ok with being on meds right now because it was beyond horrible like you're going through. I'm not always pro meds, but you're severely suffering. Hope you can feel better soon.

It was that which they called a mixed episode that caused me to seek help and go back on meds...mine is a latuda, lamictal combo.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope the meds help.

I felt very similar to what you're describing last january. It felt like my brain was being tortured. My thoughts were racing so fast I couldn't even watch tv.

I spent a lot of time writing in my journal. At night it helped me when I couldn't sleep to listen to relaxing music and kind of let my thoughts go with the music so eventually I was in a relaxed dreamlike state, but not really asleep.

Those two things helped me.

I really hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

this happens to me too - i'm sorry you're going thru it right now. for me, it's like the worst parts of mania and depression combined...it's more unpleasant than either. mixed states can lead to a lot of suicidal thoughts for me at least, so please be open with your doc/therapist/family, whoever. i hope medicine helps...therapy sometimes can't break through those incredibly fast racing thoughts.

How is it even possible to feel mixed? I don't understand. I need to. I have to. I feel like I'm crazy. I don't see how this is bipolar. It's not the bipolar I know. I don't want to believe I have bipolar. I can't do it. I can't manage this. I can't do it. Why do I feel this way? I don't want to be on meds. I'm scared. I can't stop my mind. I need help. I don't understand.

We call it black mania in my support group.
Understand that chemicals are fireing in your brain. Receptors for those chemicals aren't working. Your system keeps producing more, but they don't have a place to land.

It's kinda like a person who suffers Parkinson disease. The receptors for the dopamine aren't the right shape.

Understanding will help a little. But what you really need is care. Do you have any help?

I once got a nurse from my girlfriends church for $15 hr.

You need sleep. Lots of fresh food and vitamins. Maybe a light box. Vitamin D.

You could also try acupuncture or massage. Aromatherapy. Hot Epsom salt baths.

Not really got much support. Psych has prescribed meds again - Lamictal, but Lamictal takes so long to build up in system and get upto required dose I'm scared of what's going to happen in the mean time. She's prescribed diazapam as a solution to help short term while Lamictal kicks in but that's never really helped before.

I feel like I need more support but don't know where to turn. I have a therapist but she's told my psych she feels I'm too ill to engage with it at the moment... I wasn't really engaging. Have been too on edge/paranoid...

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared. Nothing seems to be helping. I want to lie and sleep because I'm so emotionally exhausted but my brain is in over drive and isn't letting me. Even when I do finally sleep I have horrific nightmares, keep seeing/hearing things. It's so awful. I feel so aware of what's happening, not like in mania. It's horrible. I just don't feel I can control it. I'm so scared

I experienced a very very similar episode not long ago. It continued to spiral out of control for me, I couldnt take it anymore, I checked myself into the hospital and it was the best decision I couldve made. I was terrified, I was delusional, I had hope and a great deal of relief by the time I left.

Is going into the hospital an option? I'm surprised the Pdoc doesn't have you on seraquel. Lots of us take it. It lets you wind down.
For some it promotes sleep.
Are you alone in your home? Any options there? You live in England right. Do they have out patient centers or visiting nurse plans to help you?

Remember most of us have experienced what you feel. And for some of us much worse. I'm in my late 50's. Been struggling all of my life. First major hospitalization at 19 yrs old.

So we understand. Ask us anything. We are here to help and support. And offer good karma and love.

She said yesterday that seroquel was the the first tablet she would have wanted me to be on, but I had some really nasty side effects on it 18 months ago and she, nor I am willing to risk it again... It's hard finding alternative medication as I've had side effects on so many, am really senesitive which is part of why I've been med free for nearly a year. I thought I was coping. I thought I'd beaten it but I haven't... It's beaten me. Again

Hospital not an option at the moment... Psych hasn't suggested it... It scares me so much too to be honest as I've never been that bad before. I live with my husband who is being amazing but it's just so hard. I was in a pretty stable place about 5 months ago so was discharged from seeing my CPN. They're going to put more support for me in place but it's not going to happen until next week and I don't know how to manage in the mean time. I haven't even got the prescription for meds yet.

I just feel so overwhelmed. I don't understand it. This is worse than any depression or mania I've ever experienced :-(

And thank you for your lovely messages. I just want to to talk to people who understand at the moment, as this is just so horrible

We do understand.
Some do nots I can think of. : don't isolate
Don't stay up all nite. I can't take tylonal pm but some can. Also some take Benadryl. I can't.

Melatonin. Can buy at health food store. Husband takes it.