Direction,

I have tried to be a good father, mentor for the family, my children. Did the deal of civic, recreation comm, for the town we lived in. Coached baseball for 17 yrs. Everyone new me you know, stand up guy.. Put three kids thru college, everything a dad was to do..
All the things I did, are caving in on me, I was a different man back then. I got hurt, June 23, 1988. That day, my life has I knew it was over. Ppl don't get it, I'm not that man anymore. They want me to conform to something I can't be. If I could, I would'nt be here with you asking your opinon.

Is walkin away from a from a family thats totaly sets of all your triggers the best thing to do? It takes a week to get ready for a family function, and days to get over it. And I hate myself for it. Parents getting old, you don't want to miss time spent with them, but they're killin me.......

Just Lost.....................

[Direction]

I don't think you necessarily need to write family off immediately...when they become toxic then it would probably be best...

What do I mean (my definition) by toxic...when you have had candid conversations with family members about your boundaries and after a learning curve process...continue to go beyond the boundaries you have set...then it is probably time to distance yourself...

What do I mean by conversations and boundaries...conversations-preferable in person, but can be done by phone, email, or mail. Boundaries depends a lot on your specific circumstances...but I can tell you when they are crossed you remind them of the conversation regarding if this happens this is how you will respond...Please know that there is a learning curve...it may take some time for them to getting use to your assertive style...they also may never get use to it...but for all of us at PC...we need assertive conversation...not passive...and certainly not aggressive.

I can only offer an example as I don't know the issues you may have with family...I'll grab a phone conversation to work through...

Phone rings and you know it is your mother (or insert other family member)...passive communication you don't answer it...aggressive communication might be "why do you always call me and nag on me about not ____"

Assertive communication you answer the phone...polite and cordial...when the person triggers you in some why...let's say that mom says, "We are going to have a family function and you will be happy!" (note this would be aggressive communication). This is where the pause comes in...and you gather all your strength and say..."Mom, I really enjoy talking with you and like to be with our family; however, when you demand something like this...I will have to end our conversation"...there may be some aggressive comments on her side...you just continue on "Mom, I'm sorry but I've got to go..." (polite and cordial)...Next time this happens and it probably will...you just need to remind her, "Mom, we talked about this already, so I'll have to end our converstation...talk to you later..."

This can be used in most situations...Most importantly parents (or other family members)who can not respect reasonable boundaries are not people who are worth honoring...based in the context of this response...

Final thought...these are not demands or rules placed on people...these our boundaries for yourself...it is their choice to say or do certain acts...It is your choice how to respond to them...passive, aggressive, or assertive...

P.S. You sound like you were a wonderful father...not sure what event happened; however, I'm sorry for the pain it caused...

Unloaded alott, did'nt sleep last night, trying to put in perspective everything you said. Thanks for the reply!!
Major problem in the family is who I was, the injury and rxed as BP. And who I am now. I'm not fun to be around most of the time because of the swings. So they don't know who will show up, me or the alter ego.They can't/won't except I'm sick, so I'm to carry on. No one in the family has BP, so they don't understand even after two trips to the hosiptal.

I do understand what you are saying about addressing the situations. I just get upset that I'm the one who is making all the consessions. They won't take a step........

Am I in the wrong for having these feelings?

[January]

Hi Tucker,

I don't think anyone can trigger us as much as our families. You're not wrong for having the feelings, however, as Direction so aptly put it, you need to state your boundaries and do the best you can.

I skipped my family reunion this year, but I make sure I go see my Mom every Sunday. I had to prioritize. Also, to get my Mom to understand my boundaries, I explained them several times and when she would cross the line in conversation I would say, "I've got to go Mom. I'm not going to talk about that." After so long, she got the hang of it.

Setting boundaries with family is sometimes difficult and sometimes takes time. If you can keep the conversations on a light note, great. If not, say, "Well, it's time to go now." or some such and get in your car and leave.

I hope this makes sense.

I wish you the very best,

January

[onyx69000]

TUCKER- NO ONE KNOWS YOUR FAMLY LIKE YOU DO. DO THEY LOVE YOU? YES DO THEY CARE ABOUT YOU? OF COURSE. ARE THEY FRUSTRATINF OF COURSE. THAT'S WHY THERE NOT FRIENDS THEY ARE FAMILY. MAN DON'T LEAVE THEM WOULD BREAK YOU R KIDS HEART. LOOK AT HOW AWSOME THEY TURNED OUT IT WASN'T ALL BASED ON YOUR BRAWN. IT WAS YOU YOUR STRONG PERSONALITY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. LOOK AT YOUR WIFE YOU MEAN SHE DID'T MARRY YOU THROUGH SICKNESS AND HEALTH. THROUGH RAINY AND SUNNY WEATHER. MY POINT IS YOU R IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL. YOU CAN'T QUIT FAMILY. NO MATTER WHAT. SET BOUNDIES AND LIMITS FOR YOUR SELF AND SHARE THEM WITH YOUR KIDS AND WIFE AND PARENTS. THEY'LL UNDERSTAND. YOU HAVE A VLID REASON NOT TO FEEL GOOD NOT TO WANT TO ALWAYS GO TO FAMLY FUNCTIONS. . I'L PM YOU MORE OK TO PERSONAL -ONYX

Thanks for all the replies......

me

[Meta]

hi tucker,

your post made me think a lot because I think I have gotten to the same place you seem to be in. i have just wanted to say "to heck with everyone I am killing myself here and there seems to be no end to what I am expected to do."

I have only recently realized that I put most of the pressure and demands on myself and also I put myself in the position of acceding to demands from others so that they began to develop excessive expectations. Meanwhile I was getting less and less of what I needed and wanted, and it seemed like no one was there when I needed THEM.

So I had to reassess relationships-including family relationships. Some people in my family I have had to back off completely from because it didn't seem like the relationship could withstand the new, more assertive, me who was setting boundaries. Other people were glad to see me start responding to more of my own needs and wants and I guess those are the people I want around me.

I don't intend to write off my less understanding family members, but for the time being until they understand and respect that I am no longer the "go-to gal" for everything they need and want, I have to keep a distance.
I forget who said it, but someone said we teach other people how to treat us. I was teaching people how to treat me like a doormat. Now I have to help them and myself unlearn that. I haven't been doing this for very long but so far I am pretty happy with the results. I can no longer feel guilty for not being everything to everybody. One thing in particular that helps me is that I realize some of the things I did kept others from developing their own self reliance and self sufficiency--so what I was doing for them, could be seen as harmful and preventing them from developing their own coping abilities.

Meta

((((((((((((((((((((((((Meta)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You said what I'm dealing with, you got it. I feel like such a terrible person about this all the time. You and Direction
talk about boundaries, at this point I don't know how to set them.
I came from a very Christian up bringing, the kind where there's no gray areas. It's black or white, right or wrong. So to this day I'm on that razor blade. Not knowning when to stop pleasing them/myself, I just don't know.
Your post was so profound, it touch me to the core.. Once again, thought I was the only one............

[Direction]

Tucker...maybe a good starting place is to start right down some things...if you have a journal...in that...

Write about your feelings, what you want to do that makes you happy, how you react to others requests/demands/other, how would you like to react to these, what would it mean to you "that they understand"

Just some quick thoughts...I think anything on paper would be a good start to figuring out boundaries.

P.S. Remember that honoring thy mother and father applies when they do things that honor God. In some cases many parents have ripped up their father/mother cards by not following what Jesus would do. Just added this final thought as you mentioned your upbringing.

[Meta]

((((((Tucker))))))

Like I said, I am pretty new at this boundary setting thing myself. But i guess ideally I have been balancing more my wants and needs against what others may want or need from me. Only my young daughter should have her needs before mine on a regular basis. Everybody else is an adult and I have to consider when I get a request or even when I am ready to volunteer without being asked : is this something I can do without sacrificing my own needs?
For a long while there I thought that if someone wanted something from me, I should do it, because if I asked someone for something, I really, really needed it. It took me a long time to figure out a lot of people will ask for things or impose on you without much thought of what your sacrifice might be. So now I don't assume that everyone really desperately needs whatever they ask of me. I try to step back and figure out what I can realistically do and whether I should do it, based on what on I said above in terms of keeping people from developing self reliance by rescuing them. Believe me, it takes a lot for me not to knee jerk agree to whatever I am asked to do. But I finally started to get better at it as a matter of self survival.

I try to remember that Bill Murray movie line in "what about Bob" Take baby steps. In time we'll be world champion boundary setters.

Take care,

Meta