this bothers me

Okay, so my appointment today with my new pdoc went well. She's very nice.

But, after explaining my episodes to her and my hospitalisations and explaining to her why I feel I don't have bipolar and just anxiety, she told me that, to her, it really sounded like I had bipolar.

And now I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of denial thing going on because she's the seventh doctor (actually eighth, upon reflection) who has told me they thought I have bipolar disorder.

Do you guys mind sharing with me what your manic, hypomanic, and/or psychotic episodes have been like?

I have a whole lot of confusion going on right now. I told the woman I have never spent my family into ruin or done risky things!

I HAVE TOLD NUMEROUS PEOPLE THAT!!!!! And they all say the same ****ing thing! And I know a diagnosis doesn't matter, but clearly something is not right with me, and I just want to know what it is.

What does your husband think? He sees your moods more than anyone I would think. Does he think you fit the criteria? I wouldn't worry so much about it. Just get yourself where you need to be and live a healthy life. Hope it all works out for you!

I get really beautiful euphoric hypomanias where i really like myself. This is in contrast to the self-hatred i feel regularly. I have boundless energy and optimism. I'm reckless with money and run-down my hard-won savings with wild abandon. I take on projects i can't possibly finish. Then i crash when i realize it was all just a dream and switch back to depression.

I've only had one psychosis and it was pleasant. Remember, psychosis simply means 'loss of contact with reality.' It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative or violent. During my psychosis i thought i had become sacred in a religious way and should not go out in public or people would see it and try and hurt me in the same way that famous people are sometimes assassinated. I just stayed inside for a month and enjoyed my sacred self in my home and dashed out to the corner store for food occasionally. I had a nice time.

Is there some reason you don't want to accept a bipolar diagnosis? I had a hard time accepting that i have traits of borderline in addition to bipolar because at the time it meant you were a manipulative woman and the prognosis was dim. Now that there's more understanding i don't mind so much.

I actually got a check in call from my pdoc today and I told him I was uneasy about my bipolar diagnosis because he asked me what was bothering me

He told me why he believes I'm bipolar, and spent 20 minutes convincing me. I guess it helped a little, even though he probably wanted to strangle me at the same time

Have you tried having a convo with your pdoc? Like, ask her why she thinks you're bipolar? It helped me to have this convo. It puts her on the spot and forces her to cough up her "evidence".

it is such a wide variety of bp ... not everyone looses there house or dances naked in the streets .... it is more an inhanced range of moods that seem beyond your control .... I have never felt I was "sick" enough to be bp ... but like you many dr's and several T's have said "I have all the symptoms" ... so I have accepted it and to be truthful it gave me peace over it ... I have stopped fighting with myself .... I hope you find peace too ....

I don't think he knows what to think in all honesty.

And he said he doesn't care, my meds seem to be working and I'm doing well.

And then he said maybe I have an entirely new disorder. lol!

I totally feel you.
I'm in constant corrosive denial.
It's not that I don't want to be bipolar(though I wish I was less of a screw up) or that I find something wrong with it... It's just that in my head it doesn't fit. I can't consolidate what I rationally really know about the disorder with my own disorganized(disablingly disordered) behavior. I long for a definitive diagnosis. Every time I get one I think I need more proof. I get it. Rinse repeat(repent)

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blue - She did explain it to me. She spent a long time explaining it to me in all honesty because I kept on arguing with her (I'm too old to have it, it was just anxiety, it was a one time thing, etc., in regards to my psychotic break last year). She said it was because I clearly have mood fluctuations. I was hospitalized once because of a bad reaction to sertraline and it made me manic (to which I argued was just a side effect!), one time for PPD, third time for my psychotic break episode that mimicked a manic episode, and the fourth time for a sui attempt.

She just kept on explaining this mood thing to me and how I've had periods of depression and then periods of an elevated mood and the psychosis and everything is just a part of my bipolar, and my anxiety is part of it too.

I don't know. Just blah blah blah.

I realize my psychiatric history is lousy.

She said not everyone experiences bipolar the same way. Not everyone does the same exact things during mania.

Idk, I'm pretty sure my bp started when I was 21 after I had my son. I think I went through a mini psychosis. So do the drs. I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 36. I went through a horrible psychosis. Completely lost touch with reality and it had some truth in it too. About this organization I was abused in.

But I loved my hypos. Helped get me through college and working while in college while raising my son alone. On the weekends when my mom would take my son I did some risky things. Had a lot of fun tho. Depressions were absolute hell before meds. Months and months of torture. I was on AD s. I was also on sleep meds. Had drs think I was bp but I just didn't see it. Even after being diagnosed at 36 I still didn't believe it. But I do now. Now that I'm stable and on mood stabilizers and don't go too high or too low anymore. I also haven't been in a mixed episode in over a yr. I had lots of mixed episodes. What a horrible way to live.

I really hope you come to some kind of conclusion. Maybe ask for the tests. When I went into the psychosis they gave me a ton of tests once I started sleeping. That eases my mind too into knowing I have bp.

Good luck.

Does having this diagnosis make you upset?

And yes, everybody has different experiences and I don't think any two experiences are alike. I tend to swing on the depressive side, but from descriptions I've heard on here I guess mixed episodes as well. To be honest, past hypomanic episodes I don't remember until the ones I've had recently now that I know what they are. But once I got the diagnosis to my face and was told why, I just read as much as I could about it and the pieces started to fit. I eventually accepted it and now I can focus on managing my symptoms. Good luck to you!

I guess what bothers me is that I don't see it. I mean, I look back, and I can't see any hypo episodes. Maybe during some of my writing projects? Or maybe if it happened now I would recognize it.

Reading this thread I had a thought....do normals experience normalness the same way or is it different for each of them....do they know?

You may not be. Imo they way over diagnose it. I would ask for those tests. You may have just had a psychotic episode nos. I would be skeptical too if you don't remember any hypo episodes. I remember mine. When I was younger it involved lots of sex and partying. Now it's about cooking, baking, redecorating my apt. Spending money that way. I was going to start making jewelry and open up a jewelry business a couple summers ago, lol. Never even got started. And bought a bunch of supplies too.

It's so hard not knowing for sure...

Nammu - Experience differently, they know.

But they probably don't really think about it either.

What do you think?

rose - Thanks. That's what I was trying to convince my pdoc of! That it was a one time thing.

My manic episodes start with total euphoria, inflated ego..basically being on top of the world. It's intoxicating. I'm sublimely happy, need very little sleep, I have huge bursts of creative ideas and activity and I act very impulsively, which isn't how I usually act. ...but the mania eventually devolves into paranoia, severe anxiety and panic. I get severe mood swings and bursts of horrible anger for no reason, and my irritability is off the charts. My mind races will a million different thoughts that get all tangled with each other and I find it hard to make sense of them. It feels like a war going on in my head. Sometimes my episodes last several weeks, sometimes several months.

I didn't get properly diagnosed until recently. I've suspected I was bipolar for a long time but avoided psychiatrists for a very long time. I also have a family history of bipolar. I was always afraid of the diagnosis. So I tended to self medicate with alcohol and other substances when I was manic. When I met my first psychologist here in Sweden she immediately was convinced I was bipolar without me ever mentioning it.

Alright, after a looooooooong sleepless night thinking about this and a 3AM cheesecake snack (oh my god I have a stomach ache right now!) I'm not going to worry about this anymore.

There is no diagnosis I can think of where I'd be like THAT'S TOTALLY ME! THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

I have raspberrytorte disorder. Lol.

But, I thought of another doctor last night who told me he thought I have bipolar tendencies, so that's nine.

Aren't psychologists really good at figuring this stuff out? Maybe I should make an appointment with one.

Treat the symptoms and not the diagnosis. Don't focus so hard, I think you will be fine. Have fun!

Thanks gina!

We love ya ... no matter what "they" call you ...

I can look back and see my episodes, but sometimes when I am in the middle of one I experience a type of amnesia and often convince myself I am not bipolar or that the whole medical system is flawed and I can control my behavior if I just do xyz. I have never done anything extreme.

I agree that the actual diagnosis shouldn't be the focus, just finding the best way to treat you and your symptoms.

I'd say that you probably need to accept that you have bipolar, considering the number of doctors who have told you so/diagosed you. Do you think it's bad being bipolar? It can be a gift, once you accept it and deal with it.

When I was manic, I always felt really close to God, as if I could hear Him if I just listened more closely (I never actually heard voices). I was also hypersexual, seeking a lot of physical contact (husband was cold and introverted, which did not help this!). I also was irritable as hell, but that was more the ADD - straightening that out really helped with the irritability.

Well, at my appointment when I was resisting what she was saying to me, she actually said that a lot of people think it's bad when they hear they have bipolar disorder, and told me we would just focus on treating my symptoms and making sure I remain stable so that an episode like my mania induced psychotic break doesn't happen again (and yes, I was manic. I read my journal from that time period. Holy ****!).

And it was overall horrible, but there was moments of intense euphoria where I felt one with the universe, and I thought I could save the world.

And she told me no, I wasn't too old for something like that to happen. And that different stressors could induce it, now that I'm older.

Sigh.